[ENTP] ENTPs and "sharing emotions"

[Gamine]

Gross.

Alright, now that the truth is out, some ENTPs might possibly occasionally experience emotions. Shocking, but possible. Like time travel. I digress.

How do you deal with people who try to pump you for explanations of your feelings, emotions... people who want to hear something "deep" and "meaningful" when they are really just being damn nosey?

There are very very very few people I would trust to hypothetically show real emotions to, the rest of the time I'm "switched on" where I'm not living in my thoughts or my heart, but flowing with the feedback from my intellectual/social/physical environment.

I know at least one person who is convinced that we will grow closer at friends if I trust them with my feelings, but I'd much rather they stop pushing the issue. It's annoying, and does not seem genuine. When people ask for feelings, what are they hoping to gain? An advantage in something by seeing that I'm respecting them enough to be vulnerable?

I dunno. What's a good way to tell someone to screw off, but in a nice way that they will understand?

 

[onemoretime]

I dunno. What's a good way to tell someone to screw off, but in a nice way that they will understand?

Frame it in their language. "I'd feel bad if I saddled you with all of that. Thanks for the concern, though."

 

[entropie]

Gross.

Alright, now that the truth is out, some ENTPs might possibly occasionally experience emotions. Shocking, but possible. Like time travel. I digress.

You have no idea what migthy weapon drugs and volksmusik can be:

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-c0F9BVQK4&feature=related"].[/YOUTUBE]

 

[themarlins]

i find it best not to share emotions irl.

 

[entropie]

wrong choice long term, drama queen

 

[Qre:us]

When people ask for feelings, what are they hoping to gain?

Asking you to give something that you are not comfortable giving may make it seem like they [the other side] is trying to "gain" something.

Maybe they are: access [you can let your "guard" down with me, allowing me to "know" you], or perhaps it's more sinister like chips to use against you, if needed in future....emotional ammunition

Or...perhaps they have a completely different concept of how their reality processes and values emotions as emotional expressions, than you do.

For example:

Gross.

<- being an ENTP girlie...note the pink

I can relate.

For me, I truly think it's a very different way I process emotions than how others expect out of me [any average girl(?)] - and that is to know easily and quickly what one wants/is feeling emotionally.

And seriously that has always stumped me - hard!

The general question: What do you want?


It's like...uh...well, it depends.....

[and the other person doesn't realize that for me, it truly does depend...that's the most honest answer!]

The situation [once it happens] will predict what kind of an emotional {"feeling journey"} I go through. It's not my default "ON" switch - tuning into my own emotions/wants....

...and for a lot of situations, I react more like an "audience", a 3rd perspective as I look into the situation/moment/event - an emotion on behalf of the MOMENT. No real "I"/"Me". Weird to explain.

Then, there are those other moments, as rare as it may be, where it is *personal*, and such a situation(s) then evokes those "yucky, deep" emotions ....

...and it takes me a while to really ruminate on that kind of a situation, after the fact, so that I can look at it from a few angles, and not let it be tainted by "outside views", until I get a handle on whatever jumble is inside me....and THEN...to a very select few I turn to [trusted to untangle the left-over jumble cuz they know me enough and how I operate and view life].

...exceptions: feelings of happiness, contentment, playfulness, competitiveness, concentrated engagement, EXCITEMENT!!, meh-ness and AW!FUCK! [<-reaction to: last minute grand-master plan failing]....

These I express freely, openly and quickly....you know....
...my most common range of emotions....

So, firstly, it doesn't come to me naturally, "being tuned into my OWN depth of emotions" [Fi?], and secondly if, in the rarer instances, it IS evoked, it takes me a while to sort it out on my own and I like and always need to do that first. Debate it on my own. And, then turn to a trusted few.

If it's the same for you, you may want to try to explain that to this person...sit down, have an honest talk about how differently you see "emotions" as a bonding experience [and plug in ways, where for you, does signify bonding...shared fun, curiosity, exchange of ideas, etc]...but that "emotional sharing" is not something on your radar easily or naturally, nor do you feel comfortable that way, cuz you operate a different way. They're free to be as emotionally open as they like from their end, but from yours, your way works for you/your life.

So...

I dunno. What's a good way to tell someone to screw off, but in a nice way that they will understand?

...to please let you be you, if they respect you enough.

***

Honestly lay it on the table.

Kinda like OMT said, "see" from their angle/language, but also explain where you perceive yourself to be coming from; explaining the difference b/w you and what their expectations/ideas re: emotions [sharing them] seem to be.

 

[Ginkgo]

From my experience, ENTPs can be emotional, but only in the context of getting a project started or innovating (So it's not really sharing emotions, it's more like "Let's get this partay started!). It's used as an encouraging tool and nothing more. I've tried several times to dissect their emotions, but it's always deflected by either talking about me, or just dampening the content of the discussion by rationalizing it.

While we can toss ideas back and forth ad nauseum, there's no emotive connect. The Latin phrase "emote" is actually associated with "disturbance" because our emotions well up and distort our more rational minds. I'm just going to assume that's why ENTPs don't want to connect that way.

Occasionally I'll see that they manipulate the emotional atmosphere, which can either be pleasant or unpleasant depending; but I've learned how they do this so I either become rigid or become deeply honest to shut them down. Either way, they're going to make an intuitive judgement about the situation. Brilliant, they are (mostly).

ps- I also notice a parallel with INFJs, though with maturation they tend to expose their Fe side more, rather than being in the Ni Ti think-tank

I know at least one person who is convinced that we will grow closer at friends if I trust them with my feelings, but I'd much rather they stop pushing the issue. It's annoying, and does not seem genuine. When people ask for feelings, what are they hoping to gain? An advantage in something by seeing that I'm respecting them enough to be vulnerable?

Yeah, be careful with that.

 

[Words of Ivory]

ENTPs are as perfectly capable of feeling emotions as the rest of you. You just don't tend to get the whole picture up front unless they think there's some sort of personal benefit to them doing so.

Which seems to be what you're doing in this case. And in the case of this specific individual that you're talking about, I think you're possibly missing the point of why they're doing this.

To you it may not seem important, but to me and individuals like them its the whole deal. In my own case, feelings to me are like a magnet. I'm drawn towards people who express them, and I'm compelled to understand them. Being open with them is also a huge sign of trust to me.

Your idea of "switched on" is not concentrating on yours or other people's feelings. Our idea of "switched on" is like drowning is a sea of feelings and hypothetical emotional situations that we gladly want to swim our way through.

Asking this individual to stop wanting this is probably a bit like asking you to stop soaking up the attention of your peers, and the input you derive from your interaction with them towards your own personal goals. It ain't gonna happen.

I think you're also completely misunderstanding their intentions. It has nothing to do with "having an advantage", not for a type such as my own. It is no different from the type of feedback you get from others in your own way... it's just how they're wired. They just want to connect.

But if what this person is asking from you is really not what you want to give, the only thing you can do is tell them. "I don't like talking about my feelings all that much. Please respect that." If they can't respect what you ask for, the only other option really is to cut your loses and go.

It depends entirely on how big a deal it is to you, and how willing you both are to compromise.

...wow, huh, this post ended up longer than I expected. I hope it helps though.

 

[Ginkgo]

ENTPs are as perfectly capable of feeling emotions as the rest of you. You just don't tend to get the whole picture up front unless they think there's some sort of personal benefit to them doing so.

Which seems to be what you're doing in this case. And in the case of this specific individual that you're talking about, I think you're possibly missing the point of why they're doing this.

To you it may not seem important, but to me and individuals like them its the whole deal. In my own case, feelings to me are like a magnet. I'm drawn towards people who express them, and I'm compelled to understand them. Being open with them is also a huge sign of trust to me.

Your idea of "switched on" is not concentrating on yours or other people's feelings. Our idea of "switched on" is like drowning is a sea of feelings and hypothetical emotional situations that we gladly want to swim our way through.

Asking this individual to stop wanting this is probably a bit like asking you to stop soaking up the attention of your peers, and the input you derive from your interaction with them towards your own personal goals. It ain't gonna happen.

I think you're also completely misunderstanding their intentions. It has nothing to do with "having an advantage", not for a type such as my own. It is no different from the type of feedback you get from others in your own way... it's just how they're wired. They just want to connect.

But if what this person is asking from you is really not what you want to give, the only thing you can do is tell them. "I don't like talking about my feelings all that much. Please respect that." If they can't respect what you ask for, the only other option really is to cut your loses and go.

It depends entirely on how big a deal it is to you, and how willing you both are to compromise.

...wow, huh, this post ended up longer than I expected. I hope it helps though.

Are you talking to me?

 

[Words of Ivory]

No, that was directed at the original thread creator.

 

[Ginkgo]

No, that was directed at the original thread creator.

She's an ENTP, so I think she's probably just analyzing herself. She might be thinking that the universal is found in the particular, which might be why she is projecting herself on a typological format. So is Q.

So maybe she is misunderstanding herself? ACTUALLY everyone who posted here except for me and you is ENTP LOL.

ps- I really enjoy watching an INFJ go on a crusade and then showing them that they've totally misconstrued the situation. Doesn't happen often, but how sweet it is. Oh, how sweet it is.

 

[Kasper]

...and for a lot of situations, I react more like an "audience", a 3rd perspective as I look into the situation/moment/event - an emotion on behalf of the MOMENT. No real "I"/"Me". Weird to explain.

Everything Q said, but particularly that!

There are very very very few people I would trust to hypothetically show real emotions to, the rest of the time I'm "switched on" where I'm not living in my thoughts or my heart, but flowing with the feedback from my intellectual/social/physical environment.

Amen.

I know at least one person who is convinced that we will grow closer at friends if I trust them with my feelings, but I'd much rather they stop pushing the issue. It's annoying, and does not seem genuine. When people ask for feelings, what are they hoping to gain? An advantage in something by seeing that I'm respecting them enough to be vulnerable?

I wouldn't expect they have an angle beyond exactly what they said, they think it'll bring you two closer as it's what they need for that to happen. To a degree I'm the same, just exceptionally picky with who I would show real feelings to.

I dunno. What's a good way to tell someone to screw off, but in a nice way that they will understand?

Explain that their need for revealing feelings for a closer friendship is the opposite of what you need/desire. They may need something you are unable to give them and your friendship may be doomed to remain somewhat surface.

 

[LucrativeSid]

Gross.

Alright, now that the truth is out, some ENTPs might possibly occasionally experience emotions. Shocking, but possible. Like time travel. I digress.

How do you deal with people who try to pump you for explanations of your feelings, emotions... people who want to hear something "deep" and "meaningful" when they are really just being damn nosey?

There are very very very few people I would trust to hypothetically show real emotions to, the rest of the time I'm "switched on" where I'm not living in my thoughts or my heart, but flowing with the feedback from my intellectual/social/physical environment.

I know at least one person who is convinced that we will grow closer at friends if I trust them with my feelings, but I'd much rather they stop pushing the issue. It's annoying, and does not seem genuine. When people ask for feelings, what are they hoping to gain? An advantage in something by seeing that I'm respecting them enough to be vulnerable?

I dunno. What's a good way to tell someone to screw off, but in a nice way that they will understand?

What context are your feelings being asked for in? This could make a lot of difference in how I'm understanding your situation.

"How do you feel right now? How do you feel about me? How do you feel about what I just said? What have your most prominent feelings been lately? How do you feel about X,Y, and Z? How do you feel about your life?"

In general, I find talking about my feelings to be easy. Emotions come and go. They are not my identity. They are not anything to be ashamed of. I have no fear or general disliking of expressing my feelings. However, this could change based on circumstance, so let me imagine some scenarios...

If someone wants to know my feelings in order to analyze them and what they mean, I'd rather not share them because I enjoy analyzing them myself. I don't want someone else to steal the glory of my next possible insight! It would be as annoying as having someone else walk up behind me and make a move for me during a game of chess. (This is different if I've actually asked for the person's help.)

Another thing is that other people might tend to make a big deal out of a feeling that you've shared because they don't have access to the big picture. The feeling is mixed with other feelings and topped off with a barrage of thoughts, but that may not factor into their reaction as much as their initial interpretation. If I said I was feeling some kind of negative feeling, they might immediately want to comfort me. This would just be annoying. I didn't ask for comfort. I don't need comfort. I can't believe you assumed that I needed comfort. And now you're no longer relating to me as an adult, but as a wounded child. It's slightly insulting to me, but beyond that, you've now entered some kind of a trance and ceased to be someone I can enjoy being around. Stop! I'm know you mean no harm, so I'm not truly upset with you, but so what if I have a negative feeling? I'm OKAY. It's not the end of the world. I'm already in the process of figuring out why I feel this way, and if I already know why I feel this way, I'm already in the process of thinking about what I should do about it. Let's just do something more interesting for now - don't worry, my mental progress up until this point won't be lost, as I do have a save button.

Those are pretty much the only cases I could even make up. I don't think there's anything to lose by having a person KNOW me. It's not like I'm telling my archenemy what my greatest fear is so that he can use it to destroy me later on. Go ahead and come into my inner world. I'd be honored if you claimed a seat of your own. I enjoy company, but feel free to leave any time you want. I've always figured the benefits of sharing myself outweighed the negatives. (Have I ever experienced a negative?)

I'd like to understand your reluctance to share your feelings in general.

I don't disregard my feelings, but I usually consider them irrelevant to everyone else. But again, I have to consider what kinds of feelings I'm talking about. Day to day feelings, like 10 minutes of anger or 6 minutes of frustration are pretty irrelevant to everyone else, and in most ways, to myself. Bigger and longer lasting feelings about life in general, like being unfulfilled, depressed, or resentful, can be extremely significant to the people I interact with on a regular basis and to myself.

 

[the state i am in]

what do you get emotional about? what contexts trigger a more emotional reaction? what meaning is at stake? what possibilities? how does Fe cloud your awareness and why is it threatening? does at times drown out Ti? what are the negative consequences of Ne-Fe, hyper-reactivity and crazy manipulation to get it out of you and assert control in a kind of hysterical, thrashing about way?

i'd assume it's different for an e3 type than an e7 type. e7s seem more seratonin-y.

 

[fill]

what do you get emotional about? what contexts trigger a more emotional reaction? what meaning is at stake? what possibilities? how does Fe cloud your awareness and why is it threatening? does at times drown out Ti?

When I'm emotional, it has less to do with overpowering Fe and more with deteriorating Ti. It's like a weak moment, to put it simply. These have so far only occurred in times of great stress when I begin to attempt to take in too many things at once to solve a problem frantically.

In these instances I need to stop thinking before my head explodes, but what's peculiar about these situations is that after I begin "feeling," I almost immediately begin thinking, "Wait, what am I doing?" and start thinking through the problem patiently, inevitably reaching a viable solution. I see emotions as an emergency cool down of sorts for my head to catch up to itself.


If someone requests you share your feelings about something, give them your most blunt logical analysis of what they're asking. I think in a lot of situations, when someone asks me, "how do you feel about that?" they're really asking for an honest opinion.

EDIT: Just read through more of this thread, and I definitely relate to what others have said.

 

[Gamine]

...and for a lot of situations, I react more like an "audience", a 3rd perspective as I look into the situation/moment/event - an emotion on behalf of the MOMENT. No real "I"/"Me". Weird to explain.

Then, there are those other moments, as rare as it may be, where it is *personal*, and such a situation(s) then evokes those "yucky, deep" emotions ....

...and it takes me a while to really ruminate on that kind of a situation, after the fact, so that I can look at it from a few angles, and not let it be tainted by "outside views", until I get a handle on whatever jumble is inside me....and THEN...to a very select few I turn to [trusted to untangle the left-over jumble cuz they know me enough and how I operate and view life].

I'm "feeling" this

Which seems to be what you're doing in this case. And in the case of this specific individual that you're talking about, I think you're possibly missing the point of why they're doing this.

To you it may not seem important, but to me and individuals like them its the whole deal. In my own case, feelings to me are like a magnet. I'm drawn towards people who express them, and I'm compelled to understand them. Being open with them is also a huge sign of trust to me.

I be the ENTP in question. My FRSH type is extremely misleading, plus my ovaries trick people into thinking I must be F... but I put the T in party. The idea of swimming through emotions and deeper, personal meanings can happen, but I don't want to live in emotions. I want to live in ideas, motion, passion (without slowdown), growth.... Sharing them with anyone, and being emotionally honest with any person who asked would make it seem as though I were bartering for friendship. My emotions are not for sale, or in this case free-taste-testing.

Another thing is that other people might tend to make a big deal out of a feeling that you've shared because they don't have access to the big picture. The feeling is mixed with other feelings and topped off with a barrage of thoughts, but that may not factor into their reaction as much as their initial interpretation. If I said I was feeling some kind of negative feeling, they might immediately want to comfort me. This would just be annoying. I didn't ask for comfort. I don't need comfort. I can't believe you assumed that I needed comfort. And now you're no longer relating to me as an adult, but as a wounded child. It's slightly insulting to me, but beyond that, you've now entered some kind of a trance and ceased to be someone I can enjoy being around. Stop! I'm know you mean no harm, so I'm not truly upset with you, but so what if I have a negative feeling? I'm OKAY. It's not the end of the world. I'm already in the process of figuring out why I feel this way, and if I already know why I feel this way, I'm already in the process of thinking about what I should do about it. Let's just do something more interesting for now - don't worry, my mental progress up until this point won't be lost, as I do have a save button.


I'd like to understand your reluctance to share your feelings in general.

Your explanation in the para above is accurate. For why I don't want to share feelings... it's just the way I've always been, not sure if I could define why or how. Which is a pretty empty answer, sorry Sid. Comparing myself to friends, my feelings don't work in the same way.

My personal world is dismal at the moment, I'm fine, not happy about it, but I will live and move on. A few (not so close) friends who heard about my situation keep expecting me to call them and fall apart, or run to them for support. Not because we are close enough that I would trust them, or that it's something that has happened before, but because they are insulted that I would not disclose everything. That I am denial about my feelings because I won't pander to their demands. I'm not sure if it's out of the kindness of their hearts because of how pushy they are being, as well as turning my privacy about my life into a personal insult.

I'm flabbergasted.

what do you get emotional about? what contexts trigger a more emotional reaction? what meaning is at stake? what possibilities? how does Fe cloud your awareness and why is it threatening? does at times drown out Ti? what are the negative consequences of Ne-Fe, hyper-reactivity and crazy manipulation to get it out of you and assert control in a kind of hysterical, thrashing about way?

i'd assume it's different for an e3 type than an e7 type. e7s seem more seratonin-y.

OMG so many questions haha. In order.... 1) I get emotional when things are happening to the people I care about, when I am useless and cannot help. 2) I might be a flake, but I'm terribly loyal at the same time. 3) Meaning at stake?.... not sure what you mean. 4) I think my Fe is more of a tool I can use to keep emotional control, to keep my cool. 5) My Ti can get into a nonstop cycle of doubt and negativity when it's free to go on its own. 6) I'm not sure what you are asking.... but I liked the words you used.

For E3 vs E7, I'm always pretty happy/optimistic, and very hard on myself when I'm anything but.

 

[proximo]

Apart from agreeing with pretty much everything Sid said, in the line of practical advice, I'd say:

The best way I've found is just to say "I don't want to talk about it, actually." Then just go quiet and monosyllabic. The temptation is to say something else, but don't, just stay quiet, wait a few minutes until JUST past the awkward stage, then change the subject.

Or if you're really in the mood for being less forbidding, just say "I don't feel ready to talk about that yet". The key is to remain silent until they feel awkward. I think it's important for them to know that THEY caused the awkwardness, you know? That THEY are prying, they're the one being rude, not you for just choosing not to share, which is your prerogative.

 

[Tiltyred]

Be snotty. Sneer and ask if they're a "hugger." Mock them -- ask them with dopey hyper sincerity "How ARE you? How are YOU?" Sing "Feelings" in a big bombastic voice. Tell them confidentially that you don't really have feelings, you just pretend to.

Trust me, they'll stop it.

Ask me how I know.

 

[runvardh]

I don't get carried away asking, I figure I'll find out when I need to and not a moment sooner. It's probably better that I'm there to talk to when the need is there and that I'm there when the fun is about to hit even more.

 

[JocktheMotie]

Hey Sassy FRSH-pants.

Usually, if someone's grilling me about my feewings and wants to know about them with the kind of desire that the person you describe is displaying, it seems to me that they're getting a little too much enjoyment out of being "that person." Also, it shows me that they don't really know me that well if they think these feelings really factor into my decision making at all. It's almost as though my feelings are more important to them than they are to me! Which I suppose may be the case, but it's still weird to think about and doesn't help me at all.

I like what Sid said about the person not really knowing the whole picture. In a way you can't blame them if that's the case. But for those unwanted pests the most diplomatic thing is to just sort of say what OMT said.