Please help my mom, she's stupid :)

[ocean]

My mother has a problem. She can't do money. She was fed all her life by her family, then my dad, then after divorce my grandma took care of her. I fear that very soon she will have to sell her house which is the only thing she got from my dad aside from years of abuse. She's really frigging miserable.

I tried to help her out by:

1. introducing her to multilevel marketing which has a support structure ideal for someone with a weak character to at least fit in and learn a few things even if she does not succeed. She made friends but made no money. Initially these people were trying to help her in many ways but they all gave up on her because of her lack of self esteem or character/drive.

2. teaching her about money and the psychology she needs to have (spent a whole day trying to figure out what the problem was and to give her a plan)

Nothing works, short of just f***ing handing her cash which is what people did all her life, and what created the problem in the first place. She will spend that cash and then go on complaining that it's impossible to work because of unemployment blah blah blah.

Honestly I'm getting sick of it. Initiative, zero. Spirit of self preservation, zero. Zero of everything just the shadow of a woman too fearful to even go outside of the house. CRAP! I can't stand my mom is like this.

How do you build the first bit of confidence in someone who's got none and who's been beat up all their life and who sees nothing but scarcity?

 

[Rebe]

Professional help? Medication? Anti-depressants help the most severe depressions the most, or whatever she has. Anti-psychotics tone down anxiety. Other than that, I don't know.

 

[Halla74]

Professional help? Medication?

Yes, counseling and meds maybe too.

The most immediate thing to get ahold of is preventing her from losing her house. Once that happens she is in a very bad position.

What are the odds she would rent part of the house (a room + a bathroom + use of kitchen. etc.) to a suitable tenant? That way she would at least have some extra income, hopefully some help keeping the place in order, and some human company.

She needs to go to social services in your area and express her situation, and ask for any counseling, money management classes, life skills development training, anything to get her moving in the right direction.

Is she religious? It seems like a church might have a program for women getting back on their feet.

Get her away from credit cards. She needs a job. Even if it is a simple one, making very little money, she needs to stay busy, and earn some cash by herself. She will gain esteem by doing this, and hopefully meet some new folks to create a new support network for herself.

Years of abuse and dysfunctional behavior cannot be undone overnight, but it is possible if the person has the will to do so and chooses to.

FInally, don't beat yourself up over, you can help but only so much, as at some point helping becomes enabling, and you will lose quality in your life, and become resentful, and that does not help you or your Mom.

I hope she gets help soon.
Take care.

-Halla

 

[ocean]

She's not in immediate danger of losing the house but she has no plan nor hope of having an income so that's where this is going. She is not in debt (not a US citizen, fortunately not impacted by the credit card culture). She's not clinically depressed, just has very low self esteem, and nobody respects her. She drinks a bit too much (but she's not a alcoholic), that's in her family, she also smokes, and she exchanges affection with her dog because she's divorced, didn't get another guy, and doesn't have very good relationships with anyone. Her friends come over and brag about the money they stole from their ex husbands.

She needs to grow some balls. I don't know how to give people balls. They don't participate.

She just tested right in between ISFP (vaguely artistic and useless with money) and ISFJ (easy to get stepped on and have no self esteem).

Seems she's doomed!

 

[cafe]

Is she stupid or does she have a cultural expectation that children care for their parents in their later years?

 

[Orangey]

Is she stupid or does she have a cultural expectation that children care for their parents in their later years?

In this economy and, well, general culture, these two things are not mutually exclusive.

 

[cafe]

In this economy and, well, general culture, these two things are not mutually exclusive.

Very true. It's why my mother lives with me despite being in relatively good health and not yet old enough to retire. She isn't really stupid, she's just made some pretty crazy decisions that have put her in a bad financial situation.

Edit: The reason I mentioned it was that I thought I remembered that ocean's mother was not originally from the US. In many countries, children (especially sons) are the equivalent of Social Security, if I understand correctly.

 

[ocean]

Is she stupid or does she have a cultural expectation that children care for their parents in their later years?

She expects nothing of this sort.

 

[runvardh]

A line from Cowboy Bebop comes to mind: "The only cure for stupidity is death!"
*wubs Faye Faye*

On a serious note, some people need the risk of sink or swim to crash on them before they start to try swimming. Many consider it cruel, but many species on this planet take to this method and thrive.

Edit: I should probably state that many of the methods I think up should be used as end of the line, last ditch efforts...

 

[Thessaly]

My mom is a financial moron too. I'm quite mean to her about it. She needs to grow up and I feel verbal lashings are the only way to deal with a child. Sitting down with her to have a proper conversation is really beyond her capabilities.

 

[ocean]

A line from Cowboy Bebop comes to mind: "The only cure for stupidity is death!"

Probably true...

 

[ocean]

My mom is a financial moron too. I'm quite mean to her about it. She needs to grow up and I feel verbal lashings are the only way to deal with a child. Sitting down with her to have a proper conversation is really beyond her capabilities.

Verbal lashings are the only way to deal with a child?
What child psychology book did you read that says that?

I don't have the guts to lash out at her like before because I know she REALLY doesn't have any self esteem in this regard. My verbal lashing will not be the last drop that makes her grow balls. It will be just another confirmation that she's hopeless.

A child with self esteem problems needs to be nurtured and guided with discipline but lots of compassion. She's really like a child in this respect but, well, she's old and no one's got the time or motivation to spend time on her beyond a few hours or days like her friends have done.

At some level I believe it would be better for her situation to be worse, critical even, because then she would have to do whatever to stay alive and that would make her break free. But the worst situation is a safe local minimum of weakness. That's really easy to break free from.

 

[Moonstone3]

You're goning to have to let her hit bottom and fall, or at least get very close to be scared. I have dealt with many people like this through my life, and that's the only way. It's close to impossible to make another see your perspective...unfortunate, but true.

 

[Thessaly]

Verbal lashings are the only way to deal with a child?
What child psychology book did you read that says that?

I don't have the guts to lash out at her like before because I know she REALLY doesn't have any self esteem in this regard. My verbal lashing will not be the last drop that makes her grow balls. It will be just another confirmation that she's hopeless.

A child with self esteem problems needs to be nurtured and guided with discipline but lots of compassion. She's really like a child in this respect but, well, she's old and no one's got the time or motivation to spend time on her beyond a few hours or days like her friends have done.

At some level I believe it would be better for her situation to be worse, critical even, because then she would have to do whatever to stay alive and that would make her break free. But the worst situation is a safe local minimum of weakness. That's really easy to break free from.

A very abrasive and dogmatic child

I just believe honesty trumps sensitivity when it comes to deteriorating circumstances. If someone has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old and won't take responsibility for their financial well being I lose sympathy quickly.

Self destructive behaviors shouldn't be tolerated and sometimes you have break people to build them up again.

 

[Thessaly]

I should add that after I cut my mother to the core I do give her enormous amounts of support.


[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QjT3u_m3a0"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QjT3u_m3a0[/YOUTUBE]

 

[slowriot]

She just tested right in between ISFP (vaguely artistic and useless with money) and ISFJ (easy to get stepped on and have no self esteem).

I love your conclusion, hahahahaaha :hi:

 

[onceuponatime]

I love your conclusion, hahahahaaha :hi:

Are you being sarcastic or are you kissing his ass now?

 

[slowriot]

Are you being sarcastic or are you kissing his ass now?

Im being so sarcastic you wouldnt believe it.

My ISFJ mother is the strongest woman I know.

 

[Thalassa]

Verbal lashings are the only way to deal with a child?
What child psychology book did you read that says that?

I don't have the guts to lash out at her like before because I know she REALLY doesn't have any self esteem in this regard. My verbal lashing will not be the last drop that makes her grow balls. It will be just another confirmation that she's hopeless.

A child with self esteem problems needs to be nurtured and guided with discipline but lots of compassion. She's really like a child in this respect but, well, she's old and no one's got the time or motivation to spend time on her beyond a few hours or days like her friends have done.

At some level I believe it would be better for her situation to be worse, critical even, because then she would have to do whatever to stay alive and that would make her break free. But the worst situation is a safe local minimum of weakness. That's really easy to break free from.

Your mom is old and has been abused her entire life. I've got an idea - you be a good son and take care of her and quit your bitching.

 

[jcloudz]

"help my mom she is stupied?" sounds like you are helping with an abrasive manner, no message is going to get across if you are belittling. iif you care about her and what you are communicating actually is being recieved, then it might help the both of you, if you practice not blowing up or being condescending. IS YOUR HELP BECOMING ABUSIVE AND CRUEL?

Who in here wants to hear someone tell them they are stupied or insulted every thirty seconds in conversation? no "ooo ooo I do`s"?