Totenkindly
@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2007
- Messages
- 50,192
- MBTI Type
- BELF
- Enneagram
- 594
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
But I usually feel like telling them would be too hurtful, or maybe I just don't have the balls. I don't know, saying out of nowhere "look, I don't care about you" when I literally gave no sign of emotional involvement is harder to me than just ghosting them. I'm not proud of this, of course.
They've never been revengeful for not reciprocating, just more clingy, I guess. When it happens, it's usually too late because I'd feel like my freedom was at risk.
I can't fall in the trap of emotional manipulation if I don't feel anything.
I see it as something you just develop over time when self-confidence builds and also self-assurance.
Nowadays I would just say, "Sorry, really, but I'm not interested." In fact, I have actually done that. It's not a fun thing but i don't see the point in beating around the bush and now I have the confidence to stick with my decision and handle any fallout.
But the "withdraw" approach is just a typical starting strategy for INTP (tied to enneagram 5 -- there's a ton of INTP 549's out there, and 5 and 4 and 9 are all "withdrawing" types... IOW, the most withdraw-focused type out there).
How I see it -- INTP has great faith in the impersonal case but has a hard time discerning one's own internal needs and desires, due to Ti. Fi doesn't have much problem with that, they seem typically tied into what they need. Typically INTP tries to make relationship decision early on in life based on the impersonal factors and then crunching out an answer -- regardless of the personal feelings, which are suspect by nature. Also, if information changes, the answer will changes -- but basically there is this guy whose feelings you will hurt and who is forcing you to make an emphatic final answer on whether you're interested. Ne is like "Well, what if I'm wrong?" Ti is like, "Well, maybe if I try it, I could change my mind... but he's making me give an answer NOW and generate closure." Meanwhile, if you're not feeling anything, the whole thing just ends up feeling like a trap that needs to be escaped.
And too like you said, it probably won't be clean -- the guy will want you to justify why you're saying no in a reasonable fashion, or he might be clingy rather than just going away to take care of himself independently, and it just feels like one of those things where you just need to get out ASAP in hopes that distance will send him off to deal with things on his own.
I just found it easier as i got older to draw more lines and stand my ground, partly in knowing what I actually need/want in a relationship and just also having more confidence that I can stand my ground without being sucked into something I don't want. I was always good at knowing what "made sense" to do based on data and impersonal understanding, but it took me a really long time to understand my own personal needs instead of just dismissing that part.