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[NT] Female NT's: Are relationships a challenge?

F

figsfiggyfigs

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Hahaha, and I find that people tend to say we have problems getting close when really we just have problems being close to them. Especially with ENFPs where thisclose is still not close enough and I'm wondering what is left for me to give... my blood? My issue in dating, especially feelers, is that it feels like I am shoveling more and more into a bottomless pit and I take a step back and look at my life and realize that I can't possibly keep this up for ever. It's just too much sometimes. It just feels that it's never enough.
YES; anyone who is more emotional than I am is someone I need to stay away from. A lot of men seem to think that I don't care enough about them ( " I don't show it enough" ) or some prissy argument like that. I'm not comfortable with showing too much emotions, It's how I am wired; I have sentimental streaks. That should be enough for you to know I care for you. I don't need to constantly be showing some kind of grand gesture to reassure you that I like you. They do seem like bottomless pits, it's always not enough.

I cried once in front of someone I thought I was very close to (an ENFP actually). She just sat there stunned and now reminisces constantly (with glee, in front of people) about that really rough time in my life because she never imagined someone as strong as me would ever cry. And that she is so happy that she was the one that saw it because that means that I think of her as a close friend. Wtf? She seriously gets happy talking about it and she wonders why I've slowly been pulling away from her. Wtf? She thinks it's just me putting walls up again. And she's right.

Your friend sounds like an oblivious idiot. She seems very happy and overjoyed with the fact that you were comfortable and trusted her enough to make that choice, yet she doesn't realize the irony of her opening her mouth like that. one of my best friends, also an ENFP, behaves that way too; I usually threaten her when stuff like that happens, she knows ahead of time to keep her mouth shut.


I don't even ask for help anymore. And it pisses me off when people ask me to do stuff that I know they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.
I don't know what it is that I do that turns them into helpless incompetents. That shit is annoying!
yes I don't know why that is. I think people are attracted to dependency. When they know they can rely on someone and they wont fail them, they will usually attempt to take advantage of it.
Or they know the efficiency/quality of your work is better than theirs, because you are a harder worker.
Either way, they will try to benefit some how.

Sometimes it's not so bad, in that they acutally need help, and it's no problem, I'm willing to help.
But when it's requires the smallest amount of competence, and they still have the nerve to ask me to do it, thats when you know they're just lazy opportunists.
 

jenocyde

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Oh how I've missed you ladies...
 

lets eat pie

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I think part of the problem is that people don't realize that the notion of "having a good cry" is completely alien to the NT. It's not a bonding exercise. Being that vulnerable is no fun. If things get bad enough to warrant crying in front of someone else, it's probably some pretty devastatingly serious shit. Mockery is a REALLY bad move. Unless you want to find out how quickly sadness can turn into anger.


Dear lord I know what that's like.:doh:
It's like twice the trauma. First from what caused the whole episode in the first place, then having to deal with knowing someone witnessed your breakdown. In my case, it was in front of a crowd...twice. I never got over that.

Then to be mocked about it just makes me explode. It's like a betrayal.
 

hilo

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It's a challenge, but I think I'm getting better with age (doesn't mean there aren't surprises, though).

The 'NT' really narrows down the pool of acceptable mates, so I guess the primary problem is how few guys/girls there are I would even put in my "maybe" pile. They *must* be intellectually curious, and probably at least close to my intelligence level (much higher is fine, I don't have an inferiority complex). So anyone that is likely to say "why do you have to analyze everything??" is definitely out. They've got to be mindmates first and foremost or the relationship will never start.* However they don't need to be my clone in opinions (that would be boring) or think the way I do about everything.

The 'P' amplifies the issues because I hate the concept of anyone "owning" me, and any kind of dependence is a total turn-off. If you make me feel railroaded or shut off from decisions things will die quick. The need for independence can make for distance in the relationship. With other NTs this means we float apart. With other types in can mean they get frustrated and give up on me as they seek more and more "closeness". But I have had glimpses of something with an NF that was different, in terms of sharing myself. So there's a lot more for me to learn, clearly.



**excluding the rare, but sometimes sought sex-only short-term fling.
 

Amethyst

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It's a challenge, but I think I'm getting better with age (doesn't mean there aren't surprises, though).

The 'NT' really narrows down the pool of acceptable mates, so I guess the primary problem is how few guys/girls there are I would even put in my "maybe" pile. They *must* be intellectually curious, and probably at least close to my intelligence level (much higher is fine, I don't have an inferiority complex). So anyone that is likely to say "why do you have to analyze everything??" is definitely out. They've got to be mindmates first and foremost or the relationship will never start.* However they don't need to be my clone in opinions (that would be boring) or think the way I do about everything.

The 'P' amplifies the issues because I hate the concept of anyone "owning" me, and any kind of dependence is a total turn-off. If you make me feel railroaded or shut off from decisions things will die quick. The need for independence can make for distance in the relationship. With other NTs this means we float apart. With other types in can mean they get frustrated and give up on me as they seek more and more "closeness". But I have had glimpses of something with an NF that was different, in terms of sharing myself. So there's a lot more for me to learn, clearly.



**excluding the rare, but sometimes sought sex-only short-term fling.

This, especially the bolded. Any sort of chaining down my independence is 110% turnoff, and it's actually become unhealthy. I think the saying 'If you truly love someone, let them be free' is how many NT's see a relationship. Smothering doesn't work.
 
L

Lasting_Pain

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I am sure it is hard for an NT woman to have good and stable relationship since as a society we have some many preconceived notions about women.
 

Orangey

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I have come to the conclusion that I am emotionally incapable of maintaining a long term relationship. I simply cannot be vulnerable in the way that most people expect you to be vulnerable in a relationship. I don't know why the rules of interaction change just because you're screwing someone on an exclusive basis.
 

copperfish17

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I don't know why the rules of interaction change just because you're screwing someone on an exclusive basis.

:rofl1:

I don't actually mind people who are more emotional than I am. As long as they know how to control their temper and aren't inclined to judge me for being a T (as opposed to F)...

Personal space is huge though. I'm very uncomfortable with the notion of sharing everything in a relationship. Wouldn't that actually destroy relationships? :huh:
 

runvardh

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Have any of you thought someone too cold?
 

Tallulah

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Have any of you thought someone too cold?

Hmm. I guess since I'm so detached, I have to have someone who doesn't have a problem bridging that gap. But it really is a mutual chemistry thing. I don't know that I have consciously thought someone too cold, but I've thought that we wouldn't work because we're too similar.
 

Kasper

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Have any of you thought someone too cold?

Not cold per say but too, erm, black and white with facts I guess, as in no room for personal details and removed from the emotions of a situation. It could be viewed as cold but for me it was more about the rigid inflexibility and inability to consider factors that cannot be shown in raw data. Quite the turn off.
 

Amethyst

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Have any of you thought someone too cold?

Yeah, usually a lot of people I'm interested in are on this extreme on either being too robotic or too...unstable :shock:
 

jenocyde

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I have come to the conclusion that I am emotionally incapable of maintaining a long term relationship. I simply cannot be vulnerable in the way that most people expect you to be vulnerable in a relationship. I don't know why the rules of interaction change just because you're screwing someone on an exclusive basis.

Maybe you should just date people who are more like you. You might think it would get boring but it's really not. Because no two people are really that alike. We may have similar ways of dealing with issues, but that's the good part. To maintain a long relationship or a family, it helps if people are on the same wavelength and have the same goals. And a very good and easy rapport. I see couples that scream at each other or have other communication issues and I just shudder. I may have a million other problems but me and my guy can just talk to each other about anything. I can tell him anything without it getting heavy. No topic is taboo.

I am not emotionally vulnerable. Nor do I wish to ever be with anyone who requires that of me. Nor do I wish to be with a man who is vulnerable. We all have issues, but I don't want to spend my day talking about them. I want to talk about things that interest me, and if other shit comes up, then it's just another topic of conversation - not a "bonding" experience.

I planned my whole life to be alone. I never even thought twice about it. I instinctively knew from when I was a child, that I was not going to be paired up and that was such a relief. I never worried about boys asking me out or biological clocks. And the boys did ask me out, but I got the sneaking suspicion that it was more for morbid curiosity rather than lifetime bonding. And I was fine with that, I was also curious. They were playthings and research subjects to me.

I found a journal from when I was 10 and in it I wrote about what I wanted my future to be like. I said that I most certainly do not want to get married, but if that was not possible, I could maintain a good relationship with someone if we had separate residences - or at least separate bedrooms. I said that I can love someone only if I didn't have to see him every day.

I was shocked when I saw that because I haven't changed one bit.

My INTP and I, even though we are both quiet and live in a huge apartment, we are looking for an even bigger place. Currently, we share a bedroom but we also share the office and the living room. We both want our own offices and our own "play" rooms. It's frivolous, but we are on the same page about it. We want more space to be away from each other. No tears, no prodding, no hurt feelings. We didn't have to even have a justification conversation about it - we just think the same way. It's important for each of us to have the option, the feeling of independence. Does that mean that things are not interesting between us? Of course not. We have similar ways of thinking, but what he thinks always interests me.

The funny part is that the more space we give each other, the less of it we actually use.
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

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JEALOUSY

It drives me insane when guys try to make me jealous... It's really annoying.

Even if I feel the smallest amount of jealousy, It takes me a split second to rationalize, and remind myself that this is not something worth my time, if something was truly worth my time, I would talk about it with them.

I've had a hard time separating jealousy from my control issues. I don't have a fear of losing people, but I have an expectation of them behaving a certain way, that it annoys me when they don't.

This was how I USED to be, lashing out if I'm annoyed, but I've learned a lot over the years. I don't lash out and show jealousy/anger/fear anymore. No.

Sometimes, depending on my mood however, I will say something snarky and sarcastic, but this is one of the rarest occurrences for me.

I usually have trust in the person I'm dating, and they know that I have enough confidence in myself, that I'm not easily threatened. I'm pretty self aware, so if I see him glancing at another girl who is more attractive than I am, I wouldn't care at all, you can't expect to be the most attractive person around.

That said, If they choose to openly gawk/drool/and flirt with other females to make me jealous, or worse, for their own entertainment, I would take that negatively,this is something a single man would do. I wouldn't be jealous, but I would think it is disrespectful to me. Politely/quietly admiring someones features is perfectly normal.

You want to behave like a single guy, go for it, don't waste my time; I'm not going to sit here and sulk and make myself feel bad over your decisions, or lack-thereof.

I don't need to show you jealousy to show you how much I deeply care for you.

Apparently this is a problem with men.

EXAMPLE:

My last ex would get so frustrated and start begging me to act a little more jealous to show that I cared.

Just a few days ago, a guy(someone who has , himself, said that people who think jealousy means that someone cares is "absurd") I know tried to make me jealous to get some feelings out of me( his words), only to have me laugh at his attempt, which he later called me a "cold $^%@#" for...... seriously. -_-


Depending on who is doing this ( if it is someone I deeply care for)

It kind of affects my feelings(or what has remained of them) that they purposely try to make me feel unsafe/insecure about our relationship for their own emotional stamina.

Their need to hurt me, is what affects me, not what their means are.


/// END OF RANT... sorry.. I'm very frustrated.


I hope that made sense.
 

strawberries

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great thread.

either i'm in or out. i have high standards and i cannot stand it when a relationship denigrates into tedium/co-dependency.

when i'm into someone i put a lot of energy into the relationship. i will make the sun shine for them, but if i'm over it - baby, it's cold outside.
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

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great thread.

either i'm in or out. i have high standards and i cannot stand it when a relationship denigrates into tedium/co-dependency.

when i'm into someone i put a lot of energy into the relationship. i will make the sun shine for them, but if i'm over it - baby, it's cold outside.

*applauds* I really like that last line, it spoke to me... :laugh:
 
L

Lasting_Pain

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Hmm, I like this thread as well. Its like watching an episode of Dr.Phil on relationships, except without Dr.Phil. I am beginning to think the INTP brethren are the perfect solution to you lady's relationship problems.
 

Kasper

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I am beginning to think the INTP brethren are the perfect solution to you lady's relationship problems.

Me and Jeno have been researching that proposition for a while with positive outcomes. INTP menzfolk ftw.
 
L

Lasting_Pain

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Me and Jeno have been researching that proposition for a while with positive outcomes. INTP menzfolk ftw.

Yes! I am not destined to be alone after all. The Gods have bless me today.
 
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