[INTP] INTP emotional maturity and cheating

[Bamboo]

Oh yeah, I'll point out I'm a similarly, dumb, inexperienced 21 year old.

Look around, this stuff is common to people our age. I'd guess it's been that way for generations.

 

[fusetah]

Yeah she is young and the world is her oyster. Why not?

This > MBTI application to failed attempts to stay faithful

 

[Edgar]

I just clicked this thread to see spamtar chiming in with commentary of sexual exploits.

Glad I was not disappointed.

 

[hilo]

+1

You're just a bit inexperienced. It's not possible for you to even have seen what the world has to offer in terms of other people and experiences. I hate being the old person saying this, but it is how it seems. You probably still feel like life is this long thing.

And, sorry you're having a hard time. You should discuss it with your boyfriend. He might understand more than you think.

Thanks. You know I wasn't quite prepared for what a think tank of NTs would come up with - I was expecting more abstractions and less judgements. In terms of experimenting with this forum (which I have visited often before) I have to say it's an interesting result.

 

[Spamtar]

I just clicked this thread to see spamtar chiming in with commentary of sexual exploits.

Glad I was not disappointed.

I did not. This is more about emotions and testing the waters. It comes down to allowing yourself to discover who is best for you. The worst (and I had it when I was 20) is not feeling to let go (the flip side). As long as its not some far extreme of a disassociation disorder (which it doesn't sound like) its more than healthy.

 

[cafe]

If I just had to guess, there is probably something that you didn't realize that you needed that is lacking in your current relationship. It stinks that this happened, but it does give you the opportunity to evaluate things and decide if the current direction is the way you want to go.

I think that it's not super-uncommon for INTPs to have some kind of relational wake-up call because they seem to enter relationships passively, if that makes sense.

 

[phthalocyanine]

yeah, usually to get an INTP in your sphere you need a club and a rather oversize sack

 

[Synarch]

I think that it's not super-uncommon for INTPs to have some kind of relational wake-up call because they seem to enter relationships passively, if that makes sense.

Yeah, they do!

 

[Little_Sticks]

LULZ.

First off, I didn't call anyone a slut and I certainly wasn't implying it. And I'm not going to debate about what you might have incorrectly thought I meant since that is rather boring.

Second, what's wrong with being a slut?

And third, my comment was meant as a complement (with implied jealousy); an acknowledgement of her being in a quite healthy, fulfilling, and sometimes exciting and fun predicament. Real love is a gift.

 

[Shimmy]

If you don't have a ring it don't mean a thing.

Don't worry, its just sex, all is forgiven...just don't tell your SO.

Edit: and don't tell your friends because they will just turn around and tell your SO. There is a saying that gos "silence is golden"

Friends of mine who cheated on their partners all got out with a better relationship after they told them. Sure, it will be a test of your relationship, and all of those friends had to go through the dust for weeks or months, but if you want to continue to stay together you should definitely talk things out with your partner rather then remain with the guilt.

 

[BlackCat]

Friends of mine who cheated on their partners all got out with a better relationship after they told them. Sure, it will be a test of your relationship, and all of those friends had to go through the dust for weeks or months, but if you want to continue to stay together you should definitely talk things out with your partner rather then remain with the guilt.

Yeah, this x1000. This is basically what I was going to say. It would probably be much worse to leave the relationship without having said anything or sorting out your emotions with your partner than to just deal with it and explain that you fucked up. If you were thinking that you could stay with him forever... then tell him that while you're talking it out. INTJs like long term planning sorts of things... that would help I'm sure.

 

[Salomé]

I have always been a bit self-congratulatory on my seemingly developed Fe (for an INTP) - I've always gotten what I wanted in relationships and have only rarely been lonely and/or disconnected or had issues saying what I felt or being appropriately demonstrative when needed. I've also rarely been unhappy in relationships, even those that ended, and have never, not ONCE, had the desire to cheat on a partner.

With that introduction, I just cheated (big-time emotional + physical over a few days on holiday) on my long-term INTJ partner with (I am fairly sure) another INTP.

This was so out of the blue and unanticipated, and so very very damaging to my own feelings about my current relationship that I'm now thinking that my supposed self-confidence in my emotional abilities was all overconfidence and basically crap. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I thought that INTPs were supposed to be good at analysis, but it seems in this case I had a LOT of repressed shit going on that I really had no conscious knowledge of. Or at least that seems to be the case assuming that hardcore falling for someone you hardly know doesn't come out of nowhere.

Right now I'm stuck in a bit of limbo about what to do but it's not a state that can last.

I recognize this. You thought you were one person based purely on your experiences to date and your values, but it turns out you're not that person at all. You've had to confront your own frailties. Frailties that you probably used to look down on others for, or at least be puzzled about. You say you have well-developed Fe, and perhaps you do, but you lack empathy and apparently, appropriate remorse. You come across as a bit narcissistic - all your measures of being successful in relationships revolve around your own happiness and contentment. You are distracting yourself here with irrelevant observations and intellectualization rather than really deal with the fact that you cheated on someone because you lacked the self-control to do otherwise. You don't want to absorb that into your self-concept. Tough. No matter how you or others try to justify it, it is unjustifiable. Learn from it, ask forgiveness and move on.

 

[Spamtar]

Friends of mine who cheated on their partners all got out with a better relationship after they told them. Sure, it will be a test of your relationship, and all of those friends had to go through the dust for weeks or months, but if you want to continue to stay together you should definitely talk things out with your partner rather then remain with the guilt.

Fuck that noize...it might fly in the Netherlands but in general 20 year old INTJ finding out their girlfriend cheated on them...if they didn't just make a clean break then immediately after hearing it it would be all hell hath no fury! with sweet life shattering revenge many times over.

 

[Shimmy]

Fuck that noize...it might fly in the Netherlands but in general 20 year old INTJ finding out their girlfriend cheated on them...if they didn't just make a clean break then immediately after hearing it it would be all hell hath no fury! with sweet life shattering revenge many times over.

If it was 'just a girl' I dated then it wouldn't really matter to me no. But a serious relationship is something completely different. And like I said, you'd likely have to crawl through the dust for a couple of months to regain the trust of your partner. But to me being honest is one of the biggest parts of being in a relationship, and I couldn't live with the thought of having to stick to a lie for the rest of my life with someone I deeply care about.

And, if it's a typical INTJ, you could always politely point out that if he breaks up he will not get a girlfriend and therefore sex any time soon!

 

[Uytuun]

Fuck that noize...it might fly in the Netherlands but in general 20 year old INTJ finding out their girlfriend cheated on them...if they didn't just make a clean break then immediately after hearing it it would be all hell hath no fury! with sweet life shattering revenge many times over.

INTJs deal better with the truth than you think they do. Better to tell them an unpleasant truth than drop them in the fog. They can work with unpleasant truths in understanding ways.

 

[hilo]

I recognize this. You thought you were one person based purely on your experiences to date and your values, but it turns out you're not that person at all. You've had to confront your own frailties. Frailties that you probably used to look down on others for, or at least be puzzled about. You say you have well-developed Fe, and perhaps you do, but you lack empathy and apparently, appropriate remorse. You come across as a bit narcissistic - all your measures of being successful in relationships revolve around your own happiness and contentment. You are distracting yourself here with irrelevant observations and intellectualization rather than really deal with the fact that you cheated on someone because you lacked the self-control to do otherwise. You don't want to absorb that into your self-concept. Tough. No matter how you or others try to justify it, it is unjustifiable. Learn from it, ask forgiveness and move on.

I don't think I lack empathy, I just excised from my post all comments of the form "and I feel like a complete piece of shit for what I've done" because woe-is-me statements aren't really to the point. But you're not wrong that my basic actions were self-centered, or self-serving. Certainly. That's sort of the basic idea behind finding happiness, unless you think you can find it (strictly) by making others happy - which I think was actually my original mistake. I'm not seeking justification, just understanding so I can make the right decision going forward -- and that includes the future happiness of my bf, whom I care very much about and don't want to burn just because I behaved selfishly or was too cowardly to figure this out and just turned my brain off again and floated through life.

 

[Salomé]

^I think you're smart enough to know what the right thing to do is, which doesn't involve compounding your infidelity with dishonesty. You've already burned him, at least have the courage to tell him so.
I don't believe that being self-serving ultimately makes anyone happy.

 

[milkyway2]

I have always been a bit self-congratulatory on my seemingly developed Fe (for an INTP) - I've always gotten what I wanted in relationships and have only rarely been lonely and/or disconnected or had issues saying what I felt or being appropriately demonstrative when needed. I've also rarely been unhappy in relationships, even those that ended, and have never, not ONCE, had the desire to cheat on a partner.

With that introduction, I just cheated (big-time emotional + physical over a few days on holiday) on my long-term INTJ partner with (I am fairly sure) another INTP.

This was so out of the blue and unanticipated, and so very very damaging to my own feelings about my current relationship that I'm now thinking that my supposed self-confidence in my emotional abilities was all overconfidence and basically crap. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I thought that INTPs were supposed to be good at analysis, but it seems in this case I had a LOT of repressed shit going on that I really had no conscious knowledge of. Or at least that seems to be the case assuming that hardcore falling for someone you hardly know doesn't come out of nowhere.

Right now I'm stuck in a bit of limbo about what to do but it's not a state that can last.

Yep. I cheated once. I underestimated the emotional repercussions. I thought I could just be like...whatever. Everything is just whatever.. if I cheat.. oh well. Nobody has to know. I can hide whatever I want from whoever. ETC.

either way, it ended up shitty. never gonna do it again.

 

[slowriot]

I dont think that I ever cheated on someone. But I think that what your problem seem to be is lack of control of impulses. The thing that happens when you dont think your actions through and just deal with them on a whim, but goes wrong doing that. It seems like a very normal human behavior so you dont do nothing that others havent tried before. So like your topic says emotional maturity - atleast for intps - is to say "this reaction Im getting is not congruent how my principles for living are, I feel remorse. What is there to do other than rectifying my actions?"

 

[JocktheMotie]

I understand that indulging in such a temptation has destabilized what you thought you knew about what you wanted, if you were happy, if you were on the right path, "how can I really feel about him if I did that," etc. So it seems pretty normal to be a bit confused, and lost as to where you stand and how you want to move forward. I would think it's important to analyze the essence your mistake: why you fell so hard, why you made the decision to break the trust with your bf, what attracted you away from him and to another, to see why you did what you did. Maybe there were some problems you were having, some needs that weren't being addressed and everything just snowballed. This kind of investigation is needed to see whether it was a slip up, or perhaps indicative of a greater problem.

Regardless, Synarch is right that in telling your BF, he may make the decision for you.

I think that it's not super-uncommon for INTPs to have some kind of relational wake-up call because they seem to enter relationships passively, if that makes sense.

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