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Thread: NTs and love

  1. #1
    Senior Member Koocoomoo's Avatar
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    Mar 2009

    Default NTs and love

    So all the thinker friends i have say that the phrase "how do you feel" usually doesn't apply to them.
    But love is a Feeling, an Emotion.
    And thinkers feel love for people (as far as I know..)

    I am desperate to understand the thinkers' approach on love and how it differs from the feelers'.
    Every PERSON seems to have fallen in love, most have been hurt at one point. And I've met many thinkers that say absolutely wonderful and romantic things about their loved one.
    So how does it differ (T vs. F)?

    Painfully Bipolar

  2. #2
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Jun 2009


    "How do you feel" always applies to me. Just like any person I always have a mental and physical state that this question can apply to. The difference, I think, is that I don't really let my emotions decide what I do or how I do it.

  3. #3
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Jun 2009
    8w7 sx/sp


    For me? Like Shimmy said: I feel, but I don't let it govern me.

    Then again, sometimes, I really don't know how I feel. It doesn't always apply. But I can say that when I can not put into words how I feel, I get very frustrated or confused trying to make a plan of action.
    Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

    Always reserve the right to become smarter at a future point in time, for only a fool limits themselves to all they knew in the past. -Alex

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Nov 2009


    NFs can't help but act on how they feel because nothing matters more than feelings, plus emotional values, principals on humanity, etc.

    NTs feel too, but they don't always act on it depending on the logistics, probability of it working out, etc. They just have a different layer. But if the moment is right, sweet sweet things can be said that would make even a NF feel nauseous, in a good way.

  5. #5
    Senior Member ObeyBunny's Avatar
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    Mar 2010


    I donít think Iíve ever been in love. There have been people in my life who I greatly respect and enjoy being around, but Iíve never felt interested in them as "bed-buddies."

    I actually don't know what love (or at least its emotional ups and downs) feels like.

  6. #6
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Apr 2009


    Feelings? They are there. They are just waaay down, there.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    "How do you feel" always applies to me. Just like any person I always have a mental and physical state that this question can apply to. The difference, I think, is that I don't really let my emotions decide what I do or how I do it.
    Same here.

    I don't think a NT's feelings of love differ from a feeler's, just that a NT will likely over-analyze their feelings before acting on them. Usually, that means doubting their feelings more than a feeler would. This is why an NT may say "how do you feel" doesn't really apply to them because they may be comparing themselves to the feelers around them, as well. A NT's feelings do not guide a decision as often as it would for a feeler.

    Rebe is right. A NT will think about all the possible factors (for success/failure, etc.) before acting on the feelings. In my experience, it translates into a lot of inaction because I've dissected the feelings to the point of utter-detachment. Doesn't matter how much I initially "loved" the person, I will argue myself out of a budding relationship (or, even a relationship that's already in place) if given enough reasons to do so.

  8. #8
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koocoomoo View Post
    And thinkers feel love for people (as far as I know..)
    Not so much.

    I don't see love strictly as an emotion, though I acknowledge that there are emotions associated with it. I see it as a set of behaviours or a way of being. How one acts is more important than how one feels.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  9. #9
    Priestess Of Syrinx Katsuni's Avatar
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    Aug 2009


    NT's have feelings, and often much stronger, more primal emotions than feelers.

    The issue is that feelers tend to place higher priority and value upon their feelings, while NT's are less likely by far to understand them or try to use them, leaving them either pretending they aren't there, or unrefined.

    In my own terms, the question "how do yeu feel" is not quite irrelevant, but it usually leaves me a bit stumped, I may have strong feelings on the matter, but not be sure how to express them, or explain them, which can just lead to trying to say "I don't know" or "Let me think about that", both of which are usually interpreted as not having any, when it's moreso just not being sure how to express such, or not caring that they exist.

    In terms of love, I've found it's actually much less intense of an emotion than people give it credit for. They're always like zomg love is teh strongestestest emotion evah!

    ...Not really, that's lust.

    Love, in my experience, is something that would actually make me do alot more for the person I care for than I would normally even consider; act in ways I wouldn't dream of normally. The one I care about currently, I would be totally content to just rest my head on his lap and nuzzle against him, which's a bizzare concept to me.

    I suppose it's more like a more significant, and deeper attraction than just a friendship, but it's still truly based on friendship. Most of the same things yeu'd do with a best friend, I'd do with my SO. Play games, talk, be silly, etc etc. The idea is just that, once it goes into love, it's more than 'just friends', and sex isn't a requirement there either. Moreso it can lead to actual affection, and at times, a sense of paranoia at times. If they break their standard habits, like say... if I'm used to them always logging on AIM while they're at work, and they don't do that one day... I tend to panic, for fear they're injured or something.

    I dunno though, they cover everything from being my emotional support, to someone to toss my weird theories or ideas at, to someone to play with and have fun, but essentially, the one person who does everything I would need to be content and happy, all rolled into one, who I could just cling to forever. Until I saw something shiny.

    In any case, the feeling of love, that I've felt, is one that's very deep but it's more like a calm serenity (or wildly silly at times of course XD ) rather than intensity. I've found the intensity to just turn out to be lust every time. True love, I just can't imagine myself without them anymore, and get that rush of thrill just seeing them is like a sudden burst of YAY!

    However... there's also the matter that, unlike most peoples... I have no lasting loyalty either. Yeu see the average person, even if their parents or siblings or SO or whotever does horrible things to them, they endure it because they're "family", as if it has some special connection. It means I'll tollerate them slightly longer but... respect and loyalty are short term goods; they expire quickly for me. Yeu continuously earn such, and maintain such. As long as yeu provide reason to provide these things, they are maintained; if yeu regularly show a lack of value to be respected or cared for, I will just drop yeu eventually, regardless of our relation.

    I'm not likely to stay in an abusive relationship, nor likely to tollerate someone consistently being suck. Hence, love probably isn't forever for me, but never know, that depends on my values changing at the same rate theirs do and in the same direction.

  10. #10


    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    I don't see love strictly as an emotion, though I acknowledge that there are emotions associated with it. I see it as a set of behaviours or a way of being. How one acts is more important than how one feels.
    I so fully agree with this. Thank you for articulating it.

    I think there are two sides to this: When I am content, emotionally stable, my relationships are good, I 'feel' very little. When things aren't good, that's when I 'feel', and it freaks me the hell out. I become... extremely... uncontained, primarily because I don't know how to deal with it. I often feel as if I have the emotional aptitude of a small child in these moments.

    However, if I am capable of detaching myself from those feelings and able to figure out why they are occurring, what I can do to remedy the situation, I improve. If there is nothing I can do and it is in the hands of others... well... not pretty. I can become very obsessed with how to fix it and I don't know how.

    High emotional love is not something I can sustain all that well. Healthy love is me taking out the trash and making a point of writing nice things in a Valentine's card for my husband, because I know it really matters to him. Curling up behind him in bed. Little things to show I care.

    Don't get me wrong, I love him ridiculous amounts- same with my children- and I tell them all that I love them all of the time- although I have to say my ESFP husband is the one who got me into the habit. But I also know the love feeling I feel is substantially different than that of my husband or my NF friends, not that that makes it any less valuable.

    I view my husband more as my best friend than as my lover or soulmate; he views me more as his soulmate and lover.

    EDIT: Oh yeah, that 'how do you feel' question has always thrown me off. I just always assumed everyone says 'fine' because it's a formality or something, and if you answer it differently than fine, you're just being a drama queen or looking for attention. If anything, that question just irritates me, because... I don't know... it's not something with a clear answer.

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