[INTJ] INTJ or run for the hills....

[tinkerbell]

Hey

I've been online dating (or should I say online filtering - as I've not been on many date)

Anyways, I met a guy who I beleive it probaly and INTJ... and it's pretty early days.... He was a bit off with me about 3 or 4 conversations in, and my intuition flagged that even though he was off with me, at no point in the 3 or 4 conversation did he talk about me, ask questions or generally make any connecting type conversation, wich freaked me out a bit.

I met up with him since then and I picked up that he doens't really have many relationships, that he has never been in love excpet after the realtionships had finished, and that he tended to be more inclined to date etc. I kind of got the impression he was not the most empathetic/emotional person.

The lack of empathy worries me... Is it always a really bad thing, or is he just an INTJ at the begining of getting to know someone?

I may be other thinking but to me NPD has roots in lack of empathy but also aspergers (which I thought about because he doens't seem to be trying to leaverage supply from me... he makes good eye contact etc so I didn't think so). He is super bright and can tell you evry tiny detail of the conversation you had with him...

Thoughts, should I run for the hills or treat as an INTJ and see if he can break his lack of empathy???

 

[Fluffywolf]

Anyways, I met a guy who I beleive it probaly and INTJ... and it's pretty early days.... He was a bit off with me about 3 or 4 conversations in, and my intuition flagged that even though he was off with me, at no point in the 3 or 4 conversation did he talk about me, ask questions or generally make any connecting type conversation, wich freaked me out a bit.

Could be that he's just interested and afraid of screwing up by asking the wrong questions. He might not be very well equipped to talk socially to someone, but still having the best intentions. Ice that just needs to break first.

I met up with him since then and I picked up that he doens't really have many relationships, that he has never been in love excpet after the realtionships had finished, and that he tended to be more inclined to date etc. I kind of got the impression he was not the most empathetic/emotional person.

Makes sense that he isn't very well equipped socially when he doesn't have much experience.

The lack of empathy worries me... Is it always a really bad thing, or is he just an INTJ at the begining of getting to know someone?

Lack of empathy might also be another aspect of him trying to keep his composure around you. Just superficial.

I may be other thinking but to me NPD has roots in lack of empathy but also aspergers (which I thought about because he doens't seem to be trying to leaverage supply from me... he makes good eye contact etc so I didn't think so). He is super bright and can tell you evry tiny detail of the conversation you had with him...

Thoughts, should I run for the hills or treat as an INTJ and see if he can break his lack of empathy???

I think he is ISTJ.

Just my two cents. But really, I wasn't around when you had your dates with him, so I don't really know. xD

 

[tinkerbell]

Thanks Fluffy really apperciates it

Why do you think he is an ISTJ? Because of the level of detail? I do that too, but only with random wierd facts... like my mates dad liking a type of soup.... weird trivia that I know for sure.

He is a pretty high flying professional and comes over very chatty etc...

I may be being too harsh on him, but I get the real vibe he doens't feel for people at all he also self decries that he never falls in love and really doens't seem to do the suportive thing.

It is also possibly I'm inidng faults with him for soem reason

 

[Fluffywolf]

Thanks Fluffy really apperciates it

Why do you think he is an ISTJ? Because of the level of detail? I do that too, but only with random wierd facts... like my mates dad liking a type of soup.... weird trivia that I know for sure.

He is a pretty high flying professional and comes over very chatty etc...

I may be being too harsh on him, but I get the real vibe he doens't feel for people at all he also self decries that he never falls in love and really doens't seem to do the suportive thing.

It is also possibly I'm inidng faults with him for soem reason

Remembering whole conversations in detail seems a bit Se to me yes. N would rather pick out all the interesting stuff, connections and other interesting vibes. And since Se is an ISTJ's most present shadow function which emerges under stress. And seeing as dating and meeting another person for someone like him would definatly be a change. I think it would make more sense that he is an ISTJ than him being INTJ.

Those are just my impressions though.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Can I help ?

Yes, you are possibly dealing with an ISTJ.

 

[tinkerbell]

Can I help ?

Yes, you are possibly dealing with a ISTJ.

yes please!

 

[tinkerbell]

thanks Both

I work with a lot of ISTJ, and I can usually pick them out fairly well. I cna always get him to do the test.

Why I think he is an N - he is seriously seriously bright, and able to chat about most things abstract or concrete. He also seems to be able to deal with my flakier topics of conversation and rolles wiht the migration betweeen - thinking type, talk about childhood obesity, beingable to measure thought, anthopology in africa etc etc (a usual 20 min chat to me)

Type is less of the biggie issue at this stage, I'm more concerned with the lack of empathy/emotional lacking/lack of having been in love - he is mid 30's

 

[Laurie]

I don't think remembering details is more istj than intj.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I don't think remembering details is more istj than intj.

It is under stress.

 

[tinkerbell]

It is under stress.

hmmm are you saying I'm a shit date???? LOL dig yourself out...

Thanks Elaur

Fluff in seriousness, he didn't seem too stressed out, but his life is goign through a critical phase

 

[Fluffywolf]

hmmm are you saying I'm a shit date???? LOL dig yourself out...

Thanks Elaur

Fluff in seriousness, he didn't seem too stressed out, but his life is goign through a critical phase

No, I'm saying he's interested in you and doesn't really know how to deal with that. Stress isn't always visible, especially not in introverted people.

Why're people misunderstanding me today so much. *waves fist*

 

[Virtual ghost]

Well we can only presume that he is similar to me. (just to be clear)


I am really bad at projecting/showing my sense of empathy. Even when my feelings are turned on. In most cases you can't see anything unusual but my Fi will be working.


Also alot of it depends how we define define "suppoting" here. Since if you are looking for strong emotional support IxTJs are probably the worst choice. However we are not likely to crack under pressure. So it is up to you to decide what you want from a relationship.


What exactly do you mean by lack of empathy ?

 

[tinkerbell]

Awe fluff, it's just me teasing me to tease you... Not taking offense I assure.

Antisocial... em, he hasn't been with many women, but it all seems a bit blaze etc... why no empathy, well he says he dones't get the whole suportiveness. I didn't know his type for sure, I'm kind of guessing. He says he is emotional but not supprotive etc. He never once asked me how I was... I was pretty sick last week, had spiked a temperature etc, and he never asked me once after the conversation how I was. Now he is stressed out with life right now, so maybe I'm being harsh, but I have dated someone with NPD before I knew what NPD was, hence my freaking out a bit now... Empathy isn't really something one evolved into- he either has it or not

 

[Virtual ghost]

Awe fluff, it's just me teasing me to tease you... Not taking offense I assure.

Antisocial... em, he hasn't been with many women, but it all seems a bit blaze etc... why no empathy, well he says he dones't get the whole suportiveness. I didn't know his type for sure, I'm kind of guessing. He says he is emotional but not supprotive etc. He never once asked me how I was... I was pretty sick last week, had spiked a temperature etc, and he never asked me once after the conversation how I was. Now he is stressed out with life right now, so maybe I'm being harsh, but I have dated someone with NPD before I knew what NPD was, hence my freaking out a bit now... Empathy isn't really something one evolved into- he either has it or not

This made me smile.


Actually this is one of the main reason why I can come as a sociopath to people. Basicly the entire thing comes down to underdeveloped feeling side (especially Fe). I almost never ask people this kinds of questions and even if I do mostly to it because I have figured out that the moment really needs it.



Seriously, if this scares you don't date him.

 

[tinkerbell]

The scary bit is if he is a sociopath/NPD, they really leave their scars because they don't get or care about the pain they cause.

if he is in a stressful place but is more supportive when he isn't then its worth hanging on and letting his life settle, however if this is it, which it may be - given tha tmost men are fawnign all ovr themselves when they first start seeing you (can do enough for you)... and I'm like... well if this is as good as it gets it SULKS!

We talked about what women want, to be nurtured and cherished... which went way over his head.

practical issues he seems to treat as no brainers.

What is keeping me there is he is bright, really bright, can probabyl run rings around me (but possibily in an annoying way - like picking up when contractdict myself, as an abstract I'm prone to possitioning things in multiple ways in order to be undrstood). Maybe he is an ISTJ which may realted to needing to possitioning the idea in multiple ways....

I just don't want to end up with someone who can't give me the emotional support I need.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I just don't want to end up with someone who can't give me the emotional support I need.

I guess it depends on how much emotional support you want. Because whilest INTJ's and ISTJ's can give emotional support. It's not like they'll ever be abundant in that department and shower you in it, no matter how balanced they are.

 

[tinkerbell]

I guess it depends on how much emotional support you want. Because whilest INTJ's and ISTJ's can give emotional support. It's not like they'll ever be abundant in that department and shower you in it, no matter how balanced they are.

Good thought, actualy I don't need that much support, but I do need someone not to stamp on me and damage me emotionally.... emo devoids do damge because they don't know or care.... that I can live without. only limited about of emo support is OK, but none and it's like why bother.... maybe he is more introverted and less socially able, maybe his life crisis is not helping but it's the possible damage I'd be war off.

I do apprecaite you guys chiming in it is helpful at unpicking my N.... which seems to have packed up and closed shop under protest but hasn't told my left brain what's thats all about...

 

[Virtual ghost]

I just don't want to end up with someone who can't give me the emotional support I need.

If you want emotional support there are much better candidates for you boyfriend than him. Problem solved.

 

[tinkerbell]

If you want emotional support there are much better candidates for you boyfriend than him. Problem solved.

Indeed, but as I said in my last post, it's not so much support as lack of emo destruction - ie that he doens't use his lack of empathy in order to do damage... intentional or otherwise... its easy done

 

[Virtual ghost]

Indeed, but as I said in my last post, it's not so much support as lack of emo destruction - ie that he doens't use his lack of empathy in order to do damage... intentional or otherwise... its easy done

What are you actually saying ?