[NT] attention NT women especially INTPs

[Domino]

Is it a heritage tomato? Or a store-bought hybrid?

*dismissively sips American grown tea*

 

[BlahBlahNounBlah]

and you read her private conversations? sorry but IMO you deserved to get your feelings hurt for doing that. it's just a different version of the saying "don't ask a question if you're not ready to know the answer": don't snoop around in people's private stuff to find dirt unless you're willing to get dirty. i've had ex's (mind you i'm not with any of those douchebags now) who've snooped on me and i've never dignified their rantings with an explanation because the very fact that they were snooping means that they would have continued to do so until they found something as proof for whatever their issues are. it's a no win situation for the person being snooped on and needless drama.

If a significant other, or anyone else, ever snooped through my things, the confrontation would be immediate and ugly.


If they just asked, I'd probably let them read anything they want to. But going behind my back is something I can't stand for.

 

[_Violence_]

Your post reminds me of why I hate ENFJ males with a passion.

Nothing personal. It's just "how we're wired if you get my drift."

(I don't actually know WTF that means but hopefully you understand being a primary Fe function)

 

[Totenkindly]

...Yeaaah. My way of greeting my S.O is telling how I had her mum the other night. But it's okay - she does the same. It's kind of our greeting ritual. I think IXTPs need to have a partner with the emotional sensitivity of a rhino's hide.

Or at least know you enough to know that you're joking and not to take the humor seriously. Boundaryless joking seems to be an INTP forte, whether they are socially skilled or not; the boundaries set up by the socially aware are more of "Who do I joke with that way and in what context?" rather than not joking at all, and a significant other will be expected to be able to deal with the inevitable "poke fun at everything that doesn't seem to make sense or has inconsistencies."

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

My impression is that the OP doesn't give enough information to fully understand this dynamic, so personal experience of each poster is inserted in the blanks. There are a number of different things that could be happening. In my reading, the OP sounded as though the girlfriend is seen as having more in common in the ex, and that she has some sort of continued attachment to him, but there is also ambivalence. It is as though it is uncertain where she actually stands. The "best date" with the current boyfriend, and "second best date" with the friend/ex could be a simple listing of experiences. It could also be a resentful reaction to not having the "best date" comment taken as special and left at that. I can see how it could also feel as though she is saying that she is still attached to the ex, but currently prefers her present situation, depending on the vibe given off.

It isn't possible to have a relationship without trust because there is always opportunity to betray trust. It might be worth examining if the OP reaction to this instance is unique, or if the jealousy is a more typical feeling in a relationship. It sounds like there needs to be some time or distance or something to allow a chance to gain perspective. There are a lot of people in the world, so if the underlying issue is a feeling of incompatibility, there is for certain someone else with whom there would be a feeling of compatibility.

 

[TopherRed]

Hey Violence, I've got some wire clippers if you want to get that problem fixed.

To everybody attacking the OP, without giving him any helpful advice; shut up. Is it possible that you are channelling the hurt from past relationships where your exes looked through your things, rather then analyzing his situation at face value? Afterall, I doubt your exes asked for help, Did they? That makes him a step above them. Let's see if we can advise him unbiasedly.

As far as looking through her IM, how many of you have done that? Have you ever been stuck in a relationship where you didn't feel you could trust your partner? Have you ever checked their voicemail? Read their mail-mail? Glanced at an open e-mail, or Facebook inbox? Let he or she who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.

I will say though, that I don't think it's right to do any of those things. To the OP: you should talk this out with her. Furthermore, if you're a Christian, and she's not, then you are "unequally yoked", and at least Biblically speaking, you shouldn't be together anyway.

Yeah, I know. Those INTPs are rare, and when you meet them, they're tempting. Just the same, at least hearing it from your perspective; this relationship is unhealthy, she talking with her ex about your relationship, and you need to get out.

Nobody I know is okay with their SO talking with their ex (even moreso about their current relationship), IF they actually see the current relationship going deeper than a sexual partnership.

 

[_Violence_]

Was gonna say something but decided not too.

Aww look, I said something completely useless.

*continues to observe*

 

[TopherRed]

Was gonna say something but decided not too.

Aww look, I said something completely useless.

*continues to observe*

The high road, wow, I'm proud of you. Good job ISTP. Good job.

*evil laugh*

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

this relationship is unhealthy, she talking with her ex about your relationship, and you need to get out.

Nobody I know is okay with their SO talking with their ex (even moreso about their current relationship), IF they actually see the current relationship going deeper than a sexual partnership.

If the ex is now a friend I can see her confiding about her current relationship. Now if he has never met this guy, I could see where the jealousy plays in. In that case, I would want to meet the person. If she says no to that - then I'd worry.

 

[Domino]

Let me ask something just for the sake of discussion.

I know a LOT of my male friends have given me a patronizing head pat when I say that girls and guys can be just friends. I argued forever that they could. My male friends told me, "No, you're either sister material or a potential."

So. Having said that. Someone that you used to date = a potential, once. Does that ever completely go away? Even if you don't act on it, does it really take a hike if you're on good enough terms to remain close friends?

 

[_Violence_]

I think even they can rationalize a romantic relationship never happening, there is still that HYPOTHETICAL.

If you can sleep with them, hypothetically, you would.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Let me ask something just for the sake of discussion.

I know a LOT of my male friends have given me a patronizing head pat when I say that girls and guys can be just friends. I argued forever that they could. My male friends told me, "No, you're either sister material or a potential."

So. Having said that. Someone that you used to date = a potential, once. Does that ever completely go away? Even if you don't act on it, does it really take a hike if you're on good enough terms to remain close friends?

Maybe in a man's mind there is always the potential. I would not doubt that. I know it's possible because one of my exes is a great friend to me. I would never think of entertaining him on any other level. Period. So, it is possible but I will grant you that it is a rare thing.

 

[TopherRed]

^ I agree with this, and Violence above MDP. Hypothetically speaking, it's a possibility. Even if the odds are slim to none now, at one time, they weren't. Since there was a "one time", this drastically increases the odds of it happening again, even if you hate the guts of your ex. In other words, there was something that attracted you to your ex in the first place, you had intimacy, and even if the original thing that attracted you was false, or is gone now, you've been initimate, and that is more than enough to spark it again, whether you realize that or not.

Domino, I think you are failing to take into account the male brain. Though I won't "nuggie" your head, bottom line is tha you are either a potential mate, or you're sister material. It is possible to cross that boundary at some point, going either way, but it usually takes a lot. An ex, even if they have crossed into the "brother" territory for you, probably doesn't see you the same way by virtue of the fact that he is male, and men think in the terms above. If he's ever been intimate with you, it's 20 times more likely he won't be able to help consider you matefodder.

All that to say, some of the guys who have a thing for you, can't help it. So be nice, but uninviting whenever you sense they might be drifting in that direction.

--Fuzzy

 

[SubjectA]

Hi everyone I have returned. I have found myself in a vulnerable state and I need help not smart remarks or insults, please.

So I have question. I've been dating an INTP female recently and things have been going well. I am a very protective Alpha male and I have no clue why but I am very jealous that she talks to this one guy she used to sleep with over a year ago. Recently I took her to the ballet and she said it was the number 1 date she's ever been on and I asked what number two was and it was a date this guy took her out on. Idk why but it drives me NUTS and I wanna smash this kids head with a brick. Also they both supported obama together and both don't believe in God and she had sex with him on a rooftop (I'm a conservative republican christian, a religious enfj shocker i know). Idk this shit all makes me so FURIOUS. I haven't spoke to her about it also he made fun of me recently via IM. I read it she asked him a question and he said "ask your bf he hears from God directly " yes i am aware that my behaviors aren't very christian but I am just a man and this is how I feel. I am confident enough to want to solve this problem. I am a psychology major so I am trying to have closure on this subject because it's literally eating me up inside. But yeah basically I want to smash this kid's head with a brick and I dont wanna feel like that. So someone help please? also please feel free to ask questions if you feel they would lead to answers

I agree that her comparing you to her ex is really tacky. INTP's don't really get the whole feeling thing. It's their inferior function. She could be hurting you and not even realize it.

But to be honest there's no reason to throw a fit over it. Just cool down and talk to her calmly. DON'T shout at her or threaten her ex. That will just piss her off and push her away, as NT's hate big emotional scenes. Just be truthful with her. Just tell her that you don't appreciate this other guy making fun of your beliefs. If she can't respect your beliefs and you can't respect hers, then this relationship is doomed from the start.

You also need to be sure that you're not being too possessive. NT's need a lot of freedom and space. If you can't give us that, then we either sulk about it until we approach you or just leave. I know you don't like this other guy but if they're still friends, there's not much you can do about that. You're not her father. You don't get to tell her who she can or cannot hang out with. Granted you don't have to like him or even agree to let him into your house, but you cannot think you can control her.

Good luck.

 

[Totenkindly]

All that to say, some of the guys who have a thing for you, can't help it. So be nice, but uninviting whenever you sense they might be drifting in that direction.

That's it? I can't use all those rubber-tipped bullets and the tear gas and tasers I'm carrying in my purse?

 

[TopherRed]

That's it? I can't use all those rubber-tipped bullets and the tear gas and tasers I'm carrying in my purse?

Well, that would be the next step, but you want to try to be nice first to avoid unnecessarily scaring them for life.

And hey, whatever happened to rubber tip bullets!? I haven't heard a thing about cops using them in years, and here I thought it was the perfect way to maim a suspect without killing them...at least long enough to put the cuffs on and shove them into the back seat.

*my dad's voice* Son, they don't work on crackheads who can't feel pain. If a crackhead's got a gun and he's ready to shoot some people, we need to put him down.

Ah. But wouldn't it be awesome if cops had the option?

Yeah, my dad's a cop. I just remembered his answer midpost, so I figured I'd put it in.

 

[Totenkindly]

Well, that would be the next step, but you want to try to be nice first to avoid unnecessarily scaring them for life.

No scaring -- got it!
(What about scarring?)

The guy thing is sort of funny, how it is either "sis" or "love interest." It seems to me that women have far more various roles for men in their lives and can have great affection for guys without dropping into the romance category.

I have one guy friend who, after he got married, doesn't want to spend time with me primarily because of that. I entirely respect his decision to stay away (not just to avoid temptation on his part but to openly telegraph to his wife how much he loves her)... but at the same time it bums me out because we were good friends, and I have *no* interest in him as anything more than that; he's such a wonderful guy, but no chemistry at all, nothing would ever happen from my end, that's for sure. And it also hurts; I mean, after all, he got a relationship out of the deal, but I sort of lost a friendship in the process. (The only plus is that now I talk to her a lot more than I talk to him. )

...that "sex" thang always seems to rear its ugly head with guys.

 

[TopherRed]

We can't help it.

That's not a cop out. It's a fact.

Even when I'm in the room with my shadow, if she's hot, my logical barriers break down, and I start to imagine what life might be like, idealized, with her. I've trained my Department of Physical Will, or SeIA, to run buckwild in the opposite direction whenever my mind starts to do that, ESPECIALLY in the bowels of ministry.

 

[_Violence_]

We can't help it.

That's not a cop out. It's a fact.

Even when I'm in the room with my shadow, if she's hot, my logical barriers break down, and I start to imagine what life might be like, idealized, with her. I've trained my Department of Physical Will, or SeIA, to run buckwild in the opposite direction whenever my mind starts to do that, ESPECIALLY in the bowels of ministry.

It is especially annoying for people like myself who have rationalized sexual intimacy to be mutually exclusive from emotional intimacy. And the fact that most people don't feel this way.

Why can't people have sex without the emotional baggage.

There is a far deeper emotional connection with my friends, than girls I have slept with or only want to sleep with (but feel repulsed by otherwise, intellectually or emotionally).

 

[Ulaes]

dear OP: get a stress ball

Let me ask something just for the sake of discussion.

I know a LOT of my male friends have given me a patronizing head pat when I say that girls and guys can be just friends. I argued forever that they could. My male friends told me, "No, you're either sister material or a potential."

So. Having said that. Someone that you used to date = a potential, once. Does that ever completely go away? Even if you don't act on it, does it really take a hike if you're on good enough terms to remain close friends?

isn't that "sister material" and "just friends" the same thing? or do they mean they can only be just friends, if you're ugly?

Maybe in a man's mind there is always the potential. I would not doubt that. I know it's possible because one of my exes is a great friend to me. I would never think of entertaining him on any other level. Period. So, it is possible but I will grant you that it is a rare thing.

hmm, in a males persepctive, a sexual attractive friend = potential?