[MBTI General] Stalky ENFP

[Thalassa]

Yeah, I don't like that judgemental tone, you know?

You're confusing human compassion and manners for immaturity... that's quite telling

There is nothing compassionate or well-mannered about ignoring another person. It is passive-aggressive behavior on your part.

I'm not suggesting you actually say "fuck off," I'm just implying that you should levelly inform her that you sincerely do not want her in your life, thank you very much.

Women need CLOSURE. Don't you know anything?

 

[proximo]

There is nothing compassionate or well-mannered about ignoring another person. It is passive-aggressive behavior on your part.

I'm not suggesting you actually say "fuck off," I'm just implying that you should levelly inform her that you sincerely do not want her in your life, thank you very much.

Women need CLOSURE. Don't you know anything?

Telling her "point blank" does not work. I've tried it before. She's got to have the last word, she's got to be the one doing the dismissing. Then she likes to come back when she feels like it and expect you'll take her back like nothing happened because she's got the moral high ground because she approached with her "olive branch".

She only wants closure when SHE'S the one doing the closing. Anything you say, she considers an opening.

Passive aggression is in intention, not in action. The same action in different contexts and with different intentions can mean different things. Will you quit judging me, ffs?

That's why I was thinking of BLOCKING as opposed to ignoring - because it does send her a clear message, without giving her WORDS that she can then use to get her foot back in the door.

 

[Thalassa]

Telling her "point blank" does not work. I've tried it before. She's got to have the last word, she's got to be the one doing the dismissing. Then she likes to come back when she feels like it and expect you'll take her back like nothing happened because she's got the moral high ground because she approached with her "olive branch".

She only wants closure when SHE'S the one doing the closing. Anything you say, she considers an opening.

Passive aggression is in intention, not in action. The same action in different contexts and with different intentions can mean different things. Will you quit judging me, ffs?

That's why I was thinking of BLOCKING as opposed to ignoring - because it does send her a clear message, without giving her WORDS that she can then use to get her foot back in the door.

You asked for advice and different perspectives. So don't get snippy when I try to show you what your behavior might look like from a different point of view. I just think ignoring other people who played a significant role in your life is cowardly and childish, unless it's a public situation where confrontation would be embarrassing or dangerous.

Block her then. Good for you. At least that isn't a passive-aggressive motion to "drive her crazy" as you did mention in one post.

 

[nomadic]

after hearing more about the situation, yeah, if i were u, i'd probably just say "Yeah, its me. I agree though, we shouldn't talk anymore. Don't worry i didn't get rid of my profile because of you. It was for family reasons. Take care"

And with that, its over. Don't even have to block or ignore. If she replies, (dont read what she writes back) just say sorry, and say u guys shouldn't talk anymore. and then ignore/block her.

 

[nomadic]

But yeah, if she is the type to always have the last word, by all means, as a MAN, its your right to have the last word AT LEAST ONCE.

I think blocking is good too, if she is the type to always have to do the dismissing. Save your own feelings for once goodness gracious.

 

[proximo]

You asked for advice and different perspectives. So don't get snippy when I try to show you what your behavior might look like from a different point of view. I just think ignoring other people who played a significant role in your life is cowardly and childish, unless it's a public situation where confrontation would be embarrassing or dangerous.

Block her then. Good for you. At least that isn't a passive-aggressive motion to "drive her crazy" as you did mention in one post.

I'll get snippy if I like, dammit! :steam:

When you say "significant role", does that include ten weeks of making my life absolute hell on earth? Which I only tolerated through patience born from prayer and a genuine desire to befriend and support somebody I saw as being vulnerable and isolated, unwittingly biting off more than I could chew without professional training and support!

It is potentially dangerous. Her children were friends with my children, and those friendships were at the mercy for ten weeks (which is a long time to a child), of this woman's mood swings. When she was happy with me, the kids could play. When she wasn't, she hated me and her kids weren't allowed to play with my kids. When my Christian patience ran out, I tried to soldier on for the sake of the kids' friendships, until she told me to FOAD as I described above. I had to explain to my kids that their friendships were over - though they'd done nothing wrong and their friends still liked them and wanted to play with them.

She did this three times - cutting off all ties for me (don't care about that) and the kids (problem). Then coming back with her holier than thou "olive branch" - hooray kids, you can play again! Oh no wait, she hates me again - no you can't. And again, and again. No, she really means it this time, I checked thoroughly. And I'm not willing to run the gauntlet again, or let you run it, kiddos.

LOLZ by the way at the rep comments I'm getting - be good if some of them went public!!!

 

[Thalassa]

LOLZ by the way at the rep comments I'm getting - be good if some of them went public!!

Cool. Post them here. I'm sure they're entertaining.:rolli:

Now that you've finally explained the details it makes a lot more sense. If you'd just told us what a stark raving evil bitch she was and how it had affected your children in the beginning, then it would have changed my entire perspective of the situation.

I am not psychic. I was not able to discern the true ugliness of this situation from your OP.

So block her already.

 

[proximo]

I would have thought that from this post onwards,

If she "feels bad", then she knows my email address, my home address and cellphone and home phone numbers have not changed and she has them all. Why wait 'til someone who's "possibly me" turns up on Facebook and send such a message as that? Why not simply email or text me directly?

It was getting rather obvious that we weren't dealing with a reasonable person here! Did that behaviour not strike anyone else as odd??!

No I won't publish the rep comments, I don't do that. They were intended to be private, so I'll keep them that way. Gentleman's prerogative Not getting paranoid are you?

 

[Thalassa]

I would have thought that from this post onwards,



It was getting rather obvious that we weren't dealing with a reasonable person here! Did that behaviour not strike anyone else as odd??!

No I won't publish the rep comments, I don't do that. They were intended to be private, so I'll keep them that way. Gentleman's prerogative Not getting paranoid are you?

Um, no, paranoid about what? I wanted to laugh.

Well, you see, I've noticed that there's this aspect of human nature when people have romantic relationships that they have a tendency (male or female) to exaggerate the horribleness of the other person, but they do it very vague terms in order to garner sympathy. It's nothing personal toward you - EVERYBODY does it to some extent. It's the "he said she said" psychodrama.

I've seen some extraordinarily fucked up things in my life and known of people to do some really "odd" things. I know a woman who woke up with her husband sharpening a knife next to her head, for example. Nothing that you posted until your next to last reply was all that shocking to me. Now that you've given details, I see now why you're so upset.

Do you need a hug?

 

[proximo]

Um... when did anyone mention a romantic relationship???

One ENFP I knew who was incredibly needy, and who ditched me very unequivocally as a friend

 

[Thalassa]

Um... when did anyone mention a romantic relationship???

I simply do not see the point of posting all of this on a public forum if the woman really wasn't that important to you. Modern Nomad assumed that you had feelings for her as well.

 

[proximo]

She might not be important to me in the sense that I'm not personally attached to her, but I'm not an F - I'm able to care about things that I'm not personally attached to Plus, why does there not having been a romantic relationship automatically mean a person's "not important" to me?

I care about all human beings in the sense of wanting to do right and minimal hurt by them. And also this woman's gaslit me for ages, it's one of her special skills. So I wanted to run it by some other people to get an objective perspective. That's the point.

 

[Thalassa]

She might not be important to me in the sense that I'm not personally attached to her, but I'm not an F - I'm able to care about things that I'm not personally attached to

Actually, I think Fs would be more likely to do this since we're supposedly more relationship focused, so I don't understand what you mean.

Plus, why does there not having been a romantic relationship automatically mean a person's "not important" to me?

You only knew her for what? Six weeks? Ten weeks? So she was important to you in a non-romantic sense that quickly? Ok. Cool. Whatever.

I care about all human beings in the sense of wanting to do right and minimal hurt by them. And also this woman's gaslit me for ages, it's one of her special skills. So I wanted to run it by some other people to get an objective perspective. That's the point.

You just accused me of "maligning your character" in a PM. Something tells me you're a bit sensitive to criticism, even when that criticism isn't personal. I was never personally attacking you. I was responding to the given information in a theoretical manner, laying judgement on completely hypothetical behavior not character.

Have a nice day, man. Good luck with your drama! Sorry I tried to help.

 

[proximo]

Yeah I said "things"... hard to explain I guess. Caring about a concept, a principle, being committed to living up to it, which involves behaviour towards others. That kind of caring without emotional attachment to the actual person or relationship per se, but more what it means, what it's part of, part of something I do care immensely about. That is important to me all the time, and a person that walks in on that basis is instantly important to me from that perspective. And as a human being, period. As I said, I care about all human beings - genuinely care, as opposed to just as a concept. Because they're human beings... more for that, than the individual in question at that early juncture. Meh.

Anyway, it just seemed to me like you were assuming the best of this other person despite evidence in the OP which, on its own, already signifies odd behaviour that I'm surely legitimate in feeling confused by? And making like I was the one who was screwy for being confused and then for even asking for advice on it. And the rep comment was meant as a light-hearted poke, btw, that's why I used a silly smiley with it - no need to get snippy

You've gotta admit that if someone said to you when you asked for advice on a situation, "just be a grown-up and do XYZ", you would probably have to work hard at not reading that the person was suggesting you weren't behaving like a grown-up already.

 

[Thalassa]

Yeah I said "things"... hard to explain I guess. Caring about a concept, a principle, being committed to living up to it, which involves behaviour towards others. That kind of caring without emotional attachment to the actual person or relationship per se, but more what it means, what it's part of, part of something I do care immensely about. That is important to me all the time, and a person that walks in on that basis is instantly important to me from that perspective. And as a human being, period. As I said, I care about all human beings - genuinely care, as opposed to just as a concept. Because they're human beings... more for that, than the individual in question at that early juncture. Meh.

Anyway, it just seemed to me like you were assuming the best of this other person despite evidence in the OP which, on its own, already signifies odd behaviour that I'm surely legitimate in feeling confused by?

I never assumed the best of the other person. In fact, my first response was to tell her point blank that you didn't want to talk to her to discourage further stalking, and to block her if she continued to contact you.

On what planet is that assuming the best of her?

And making like I was the one who was screwy for being confused and then for even asking for advice on it.

But I wasn't taking sides. I never said you were screwy for asking for advice on it. I did, however, express the opinion that just ignoring the person wasn't the thing to do for two reasons:

1) It would highly likely cause the person in question to bother you more.

2) Dealing with things directly has always struck me as the effective, adult way to handle things. Is this Te? Perhaps.

And the rep comment was meant as a light-hearted poke, btw

Cool...then I hope you get lots and lots and lots more of ENFP apolgies

You've gotta admit that if someone said to you when you asked for advice on a situation, "just be a grown-up and do XYZ", you would probably have to work hard at not reading that the person was suggesting you weren't behaving like a grown-up already.

Yeah, I can be a bit curt in my replies sometimes. Nothing personal.

 

[proximo]

Okay. Misunderstandings all round then, apparently!

Anyway, all that aside, I'll probably block her. That's what I was leaning towards anyway, but this woman screwed with my head so badly, my usual second-guessing myself issues are multiplied tenfold where people like her are concerned. You know, people who made you feel (even if for a relatively short time, it can seem like a long time and have a longterm effect as though it were when it's very intense) like you were constantly doing wrong and being punished but couldn't understand why - they do that to you.

I'll sleep on it first though, just to make sure.

 

[proximo]

Hang on - what about sending her a reply and then blocking her afterwards, explaining in a polite but firm way that I'm doing that, and why?

Something like: Yes it is me, I deleted my other account for family reasons. I still agree that we shouldn't talk, I'll block you after sending this message to help avoid temptation in future (if you can be tempted to send a polite enquiry when you see someone that "might be" me, what might you do now that you know it is and you see me on your friend's wall?). I think this is the best way; it'd only end in tears again otherwise. Take care

Something like that? Or not? Or with different wording?

edit - nah, I'll just block her.

 

[jenocyde]

Holy shit, this thread is so over the top. Can anyone actually read what has been written, or am I finally correct in my assumption that ENFPs only hear (and believe!!!) what they assume the situation to be?

He said quite clearly that he had a strange friendship with an overbearing woman. The woman then ended the friendship. This woman has made no attempt to contact him however has sent a message to a random stranger (for all she knows) asking about him, which suggests that he is still on the forefront of her mind. Proximo is asking for help in understanding the inner workings of a mind like this. There was no reference to romance.

Now that we have the facts straight, maybe it would be nice to actually offer him some advice...


Proximo - I have been in this situation multiple times. I kid you not. This is a common occurrence with my ENFP friends that are less evolved (in the maturity sense). One became so obsessed that I was in a new and happy relationship that she google-stalked my new bf to learn everything she could about him, after harassing me to death with questions. She ended up google stalking him because she had asked me for his picture and I told her no because I felt weird about how involved she was making herself in my relationship, and not to worry because she would meet him soon. Well, she went and found all this information about him and even a picture and forwarded it to me, as if she had won some prize. Needless to say, I reacted very badly.

Her whole excuse was that she was excited for me - so of course, that trumps everything I feel about her intrusion, and not to mention how he felt about it. Then she used her Ne-Fi (pulling crap out of thin air to justify her whims) to explain that if she found it on google, then it wasn't private information, which means that she couldn't have possibly invaded my privacy, so I had no right to be upset at her. wtf?

All I am saying is that untamed Ne-Fi can lead people to do some crazy shit. I have this problem more with ENFPs than any other type. And the more I pull away, the more they clasp on for dear life.

My suggestion is this: write her back and tell her point blank that you are, in fact, the person in question and that you didn't friend her because, quite simply, your friendship is over. Then go on to say that while you have no intention of friending her now, you wish her all the best for a happy and successful life. And then block her.

Or just block her.

 

[proximo]

Ah, right... well, I did just block her. I knew she wouldn't like it, but I figured, what can she do?

I got my answer when I got back from a long drive home from London at just before 4am. On my blog post, where I alluded to her recent intrusion into my life in these exact words:

"...I decided to use my middle name (less well known amongst my family) to avoid detection, but I think I ought to have used a completely fictitious name, now. There's somebody else that I forgot about, not in my family, that I decidedly do not want to have to deal with again! But in a Stacey from Wayne's World style gesture, they remembered themselves to me yesterday... ugh!"

Note how I mentioned no names, and was deliberately vague and humorously dismissive about it.

Now, I use StatCounter, and she hasn't visited my blog for several weeks (though she did continue to visit it VERY regularly for quite a while after she ended the friendship). So when I found that she'd commented in these exact words:

"Grow up (my name). If you can't take a joke then I feel sorry for you. I thought it was pretty funny, shame you decided to see it through 'chip on your shoulder' eyes. Anyone would think I had destroyed your life the way you slag me off here there and everywhere. One wonders if you have portrayed me as some kind of monster to all the home ed folk. If you have I think that is very unfair of you as all we had was a clash of personalities. I surely deserve a fair hearing as far as anyone else is concerned.
Still, some people are beyond reasoning with and as I decidedly do not want to have to deal with YOU again I shall leave you be with your fantasy about 'big bad Bex' and the poor mistreatment of (my name). Thank goodness I got told you'd responded to my message on here or I'd never have known, lol. Oh and there really was no need to block me on FB. I had no intention of ever contacting you again you know!"

I put two and two together and figured this was the probable sequence of events: found I'd blocked her, was furious, wanted a way to "get back" at me for it in a public way, looked for and found my blog (must've taken some doing - I moved its URL a couple of weeks ago), read the most recent post, was even more furious at it, so indulged in a deranged vent and quaintly absurd character assassination. Bear in mind that the "home ed folk" are people in a webgroup that I left months ago. Several of them became my close friends, whilst to her none of them were more than internet names or at very most, casual acquaintances (she'd met them once or twice, exchanged names and handshakes, tried to get them to visit her - unsuccessful long before I even knew they'd met her - they simply perceived her psycho aura for themselves and backed away!).

 

[jenocyde]

This is beyond words. Yikes.

I keep remembering (and identifying strongly with) that line you said before about not giving closure because she would take any word as an opening. Well, you've confirmed it. And you weren't even directing that word towards her.