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[NT] INTJ and ENTJ

Kambro

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Aug 12, 2008
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205
MBTI Type
INTX
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5w6?
I met a ENTJ female aged late 30's who had been at school with me 20 years ago. We ended up by semi-accident and hit it off on basis of MBTI etc. We ended up in contact via Facebook, sms, e-mail and telephone conversations as we live in cities a 2 hour flight apart.

After a month a friend mentioned he knew her and when I asked him he just laughed. I intuited something fishy.

When I hooked up with him for coffee ( I had been using my trips to the city, she is in, to catch up with okld friends in fact that's how come she a ENTJ and I a INTJ/P hooked as she was trying to hook me up with a mutual friend). My friend mentioned that he knew her via a friend and implied that something went on between her and this guy. He then proceeded to mention some personal issues about her life at which stage I stopped him and said I am tempted to ask more but felt as she was a good friend it was not appropriate for me to know such things. Reason being is that as he we was talking I thought shit what if u knew some of my issues - what would he say about me?

To be honest I was curious about the guy mentioned who was in close contact with her and then she suddenly stopped talking to him according to my friend because it sounded like they had a good relationship like she had with me. In fact at some stage I had asked her why she spoke so much to me. She explained she liked talking to interesting strong males.

I then asked her about the guy because she previously told me about why she is single etc and thought this guy sounded like one of the relationships she told me about. She told me no she never had a relationship with the guy. During the conversation I mentioned the negative personal issues my friend had to say about her (as he was telling me I thought of my own issues and also felt I did not need to know her issues).

In any case she was upset and spoke to the previous guy to straighten out issues about whether they had had a relationship or not. which she had not andf got him to confirm. Then she went to find out about my friend. She actually called me later to give me a "progress/feedback". I said to her I do not need to know. She was very concerned about whether my opinion of her had changed.

About 3 hours later she sent me an e-mail saying she wished I had never told her and I must ask myself why I told her and she considered the matter closed.

Quite frankly I was pissed off and told her the entire issue "is closed". She posted back "are u a parrot" to which I did not respond. Two days later she posted on her FB that "Curiosity killed the cat :)" As it was not on my FB I ignored it.

Now more than 3 weeks later I actually called her because 1. I miss chatting to her and 2. she went quite on FB and I actually wondered to myself if she felt embarrassed about issue.

She was nice and we chatted and then somehow the conversation went back to issue and she went on a tirade about how bad this friend of mine was. The more I told her that his sexuality and own personal issues (which she was informed of on inquiry from other people and which I am aware of but did not share with her) were irrelevant, the more she kept on and said how would I feel if someone spoke about my life.

Is this normal for an ENTJ? Why react so emotionally? I have some issues (which I told her of at teh time so she could understand and not feel she is alone) and she said she could make judgements about my issues as well - implying I made negatrive judgements about her which I did not? In any case conversation ended at that stalemate - that she kept badmouthing the friend of mine and me saying these issues are irrelevant.

I was totally puzzled by her emotional response. Btw she is a low E but as an INTJ/P I still cannot identify with her reactions if one were to say she is closer to an INTJ.

Do please advise how I repair this relationship or do I simply walk away as she is the first person, never mind female I could identify with in all these years - so would really miss her although life will continue :) - cold INTJ :)
 

WoodsWoman

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778
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If my ENTJ was anything to go by personal integrity was at the top of his value chart - question that and the end of the world WOULD arrive (I only witnessed this a couple of times - ever). I think it was one of the things that would truly make him angry. This sounds like it's along that line. ENTJs?? Does this make sense to you??
 

Kambro

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If my ENTJ was anything to go by personal integrity was at the top of his value chart - question that and the end of the world WOULD arrive (

She is an ENTJ and how was her integrity questioned. In fact by her asking me what was my intention I felt like telling to F off as it was my INTJ integrity that was questioned but due my liking for her I simply said matter closed with intention not to speak to her again until she apologised. I thus ignored her but missed her too much.
 
Last edited:

Kambro

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How do move this post to the NT forum as I mistakenly posted in welcomes - LOL
 

WoodsWoman

New member
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Dec 24, 2007
Messages
778
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INFP
I then asked her about the guy because she previously told me about why she is single etc and thought this guy sounded like one of the relationships she told me about. She told me no she never had a relationship with the guy. During the conversation I mentioned the negative personal issues my friend had to say about her (as he was telling me I thought of my own issues and also felt I did not need to know her issues).

In any case she was upset and spoke to the previous guy to straighten out issues about whether they had had a relationship or not. which she had not and got him to confirm.

This was what gave me the idea that she thought her integrity had been infringed upon. If someone was claiming something that wasn't true about her - or in the case of my husband, it wouldn't have been pretty. ---Am I reading it wrong?
 

Kambro

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This was what gave me the idea that she thought her integrity had been infringed upon. If someone was claiming something that wasn't true about her - or in the case of my husband, it wouldn't have been pretty. ---Am I reading it wrong?

:yes:U right but that she sorted out with the guy.

What she is upset about is my friend revealing personal information about her family (parents) life. As she said to me last time and now - her parents issues have nothing to do with her yet she is so emotional about the issue. There are family/parent skeletons in my life as well which I shared with her.

I just don't understand why she is so worried about others' opinion although she says she doesn 't care. So strange for an ENTJ? Surely should deal like me with issue and say :steam: to anyone who wants to make an issue.:)
 

Kambro

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Where's the ENTJ's or even INTJ's to help me with this one :)
 

Ivy

Strongly Ambivalent
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Moved from Welcomes.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
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A similar thing happened to my ENTJ sis. I think it's more that she likes to be in control of her own image and it really bothers her when people doubt her integrity (as was said).

But to add to that further, the fact that a friend of hers (you) took part in the discussion that was going on about her really pissed her off. She assumed the friend would have stopped the gossiper in his/her tracks and bitchslapped him/her with the truth.

You did nothing to set this person straight nor did you say anything in her defense. You just merely stated that you didn't want to hear more, which means you acted for your own benefit and not hers. And the fact that you remain friends with someone who has proven to be a dishonest gossiper, in her mind, speaks volumes about your own character.

It's not that she acted emotionally to what was actually said, but to the fact that she felt betrayed by a disloyal friend (you).
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
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Do please advise how I repair this relationship or do I simply walk away as she is the first person, never mind female I could identify with in all these years - so would really miss her although life will continue :) - cold INTJ :)

Just tell her you are sorry that you didn't take a bigger stand against the person who said that stuff about her. Tell her that you really care (or respect or whatever) her. Then just try to get back to normal. Next time she brings it up, just try and change the subject. Eventually she'll forget it and move on, but not if she is allowed to keep talking about it.
 

tcda

psicobolche
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wow this sounds a lot like my experience with an ENTJ woman. I'm still ignoring her.

I'm no expert but I would speculate that "forgiveness" is not so much what you need from an ENTJ who cuts you out, as to regain respect. Maybe what she percieved was weakness on your part more than that you wronged her...
 

jenocyde

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Betrayal: Swing the axe.

Absolutely!

Maybe what she percieved was weakness on your part more than that you wronged her...

I think it's one and the same for an ENTJ. All those things that I mentioned, if she perceives it to be that way, shows a weakness of character that she probably doesn't find appealing.
 

tcda

psicobolche
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^^^hah, yeh.

This thread actually helped a lot at explaining my own experience, it's kind of similair. In my case, some guy kept interrupting us and clowning around, her friend apparently, and anyway I guess he was being rude to her (though I couldn't make it all out as it was a club and I was kind of leaving them too it as they're firends, plus I may have laughed nervously at some point). But then I argued with him saying that he should talk to all 3 of us and not just in her ear and that he was being rude, which was the final straw, and she left.

To be honest though I'm not going to apologise for that, I think if someone is that unforgiving they have their own problem, which I can't resolve. Best way to stop being the weak guy that chases after an ENTJ woman and only gets her contempt, is I guess to stop putting her on a pedestal in the first place. I've made sure every time she sees me, that she sees how well I'm doing, **** her.

I don't know if that works on ENTJ women or not though. It started off as a strategy to "change my image" or some shit, but now it's just a case of me ignoring her on principle for being such a bitch, come what may. Though of course if there ever was another chance between us, I wouldn't think twice. :p

Sorry to derail but I found our experiences similair enough that this may be of relveance here rather than starting my own thread (which'd have been kind fo a crap one).
 

jenocyde

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Ahhh, you INTPs... :doh:

If she got that upset with you that she actually left, she must have really liked/respected you. Most people are barely on the radar for an ENTJ. I don't know why you put her on a pedestal, but it seems like she also put you on one, too. Then it seemed as if you were laughing at her while she was being teased by an asshole... how did you expect her to behave?

Oh well, the drama between men and women has been there since the dawn of time - you think someone would have gotten it right by now. *sigh*
 

Kambro

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Just tell her you are sorry that you didn't take a bigger stand against the person who said that stuff about her. Tell her that you really care (or respect or whatever) her. Then just try to get back to normal. Next time she brings it up, just try and change the subject. Eventually she'll forget it and move on, but not if she is allowed to keep talking about it.

I in fact asked her on how to block the person from FB so he would not even see our posts and that we were friends. For me the fact that I chose to tell her instead of keeping quiet is a reflection of my "loyalty" or rather preference for her. The male friend of mine is someone I knew far longer and the fact that I chose to tell her was because I felt he would probably gossip about me as I have my own family skeletons which I in fact shared with her in my explanation as to why I decided to tell her a few days later.

If something like this happened to me I would have just told the person to F off. Instead she is not doing this and feels she would have preferred not to know about it. What's worse is she keeps badmouthing the person's sexuality etc. which is in my opinion irrelevant. For me I am not defending his behaviour but I cannot agree with her badmouthing of him as its illogical and emotional and irrelevant for me? Maybe she sees this as me defending him but that would be irrational?
 

Kambro

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Ahhh, you INTPs... :doh:

If she got that upset with you that she actually left, she must have really liked/respected you. Most people are barely on the radar for an ENTJ. I don't know why you put her on a pedestal, but it seems like she also put you on one, too. Then it seemed as if you were laughing at her while she was being teased by an asshole... how did you expect her to behave?

Oh well, the drama between men and women has been there since the dawn of time - you think someone would have gotten it right by now. *sigh*

That's the crazy part for me. She clearly liked me and enjoyed chatting to me, always commenting on FB posts and calling me back if I called, even though I always say if I don't leave a message she needn't call back. So I guess I was on her radar. She had a great need to check whether I approved, now I think although she doesn't say it that I am to blame somehow. True in the sense that I picked up something fishy and specifically asked the guy about it.

I honestly would prefer to know if someone was gossiping about me and yes she was concerned that mutual friends of his and hers would know.

The issue is that her father had another wife and two kids who happen to be my "male friend's" cousins. This issue seems to embarrass her - as if its her issue. Now she says she doesn't care but fact she reacts to him the way she does is emotional.
 

Kambro

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^^^hah, yeh.


To be honest though I'm not going to apologise for that, I think if someone is that unforgiving they have their own problem, which I can't resolve. Best way to stop being the weak guy that chases after an ENTJ woman and only gets her contempt, is I guess to stop putting her on a pedestal in the first place. I've made sure every time she sees me, that she sees how well I'm doing, **** her.

I don't know if that works on ENTJ women or not though. It started off as a strategy to "change my image" or some shit, but now it's just a case of me ignoring her on principle for being such a bitch, come what may. Though of course if there ever was another chance between us, I wouldn't think twice. :p

.

Know what u mean. I feel she owes me an apology for being such an emotional #%%. Ah well at least she sounded nice when I called after a whole (3 weeks) but could be the ENTJ "be nice" behaviour. Its just her emotional issues are irritating and actually left me totally bemused. I am an INTJ/P and I am not that emotional. :)
 

Risen

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He then proceeded to mention some personal issues about her life at which stage I stopped him and said I am tempted to ask more but felt as she was a good friend it was not appropriate for me to know such things. Reason being is that as he we was talking I thought shit what if u knew some of my issues - what would he say about me?

Hello INTJ ;) . Definitely a J.

As for the girl, ENTJs do seem to have a strong emotional side. All the traits of Fi that seem to pop up with their Te to make judgments with.
 

Kambro

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Hello INTJ ;) . Definitely a J.

As for the girl, ENTJs do seem to have a strong emotional side. All the traits of Fi that seem to pop up with their Te to make judgments with.

:) Funny because yes she acts very emotionally although she believes that she doesn't have a temper. In fact when I told her and she went all emo I told her she is being emotional.

Oh well - one would think ENTJs are like INTJ's = able to be objective and avoid unnecessary emotion.

Thought I was doing good when in fact it seems she either thinks
a) I was selfish (true in sense I wanted to know more just not what he had to say) OR
b) is embarrassed that I know this personal stuff which is embarrassing to her as suddenly she is not all powerful perfect person :).

I mean really she's not active on FB anymore and when I asked her she said oh she's busy. Please I am busy as well as I report directly on a lot of issues to the CEO and he's a tough guy.
 
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