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[INTJ] INTJ's and Grief

chasingAJ

New member
Joined
Jul 20, 2009
Messages
161
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
FIVE
I haven't been around in awhile but my cousin and her 4 year old daughter were recently murdered. I have a family full of feelers and S's. They want to be touchy-feely and cry but I can't get in touch with my feelings like that. I know that I have to grieve to move on, so it is something on my list. :)

Any suggestions? Is there any way to speed this up or at least make it more predictable? I don't enjoy crying and sitting around doing nothing is driving me crazier. My immediate family needs me to be pulled together but I fear that if I do nothing I will crack when it is most inconvenient. This person was my best friend growing up, we lived together so it was more like losing my sister and niece. To put it in perspective, I actually cried... in front of people... with cameras... who happen to be working for the AP. It's serious but I don't know what to do.
 
F

FigerPuppet

Guest
Damn. That sucks.

Have you tried watching a sad movie or listening to melancholic music? I don't know if it works.

Try to listen to this while remembering the good times with her and remind yourself of the fact that you'll never have any more with her.
 

WoodsWoman

New member
Joined
Dec 24, 2007
Messages
778
MBTI Type
INFP
Plan time to grieve. It may not always work but if you make a place for it - schedule specific times for it - it becomes easier to hold it in knowing that it will be OK later. Just DON'T miss the later...

I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
I'm very sorry to hear that.

I agree with WoodsWoman. Give yourself time and space to grieve. Good luck.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
I haven't been around in awhile but my cousin and her 4 year old daughter were recently murdered. I have a family full of feelers and S's. They want to be touchy-feely and cry but I can't get in touch with my feelings like that. I know that I have to grieve to move on, so it is something on my list. :)

Any suggestions? Is there any way to speed this up or at least make it more predictable? I don't enjoy crying and sitting around doing nothing is driving me crazier. My immediate family needs me to be pulled together but I fear that if I do nothing I will crack when it is most inconvenient. This person was my best friend growing up, we lived together so it was more like losing my sister and niece. To put it in perspective, I actually cried... in front of people... with cameras... who happen to be working for the AP. It's serious but I don't know what to do.

Remember her and her family. Say who she was. Find someone who can listen to you name her. It may take several sittings, and it's better to avoid summarising too quickly. That's what makes sense to me.
 

Mad Hatter

Head Pigeon
Joined
Nov 3, 2009
Messages
1,087
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
-1w
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I haven't been around in awhile but my cousin and her 4 year old daughter were recently murdered. I have a family full of feelers and S's. They want to be touchy-feely and cry but I can't get in touch with my feelings like that. I know that I have to grieve to move on, so it is something on my list. :)

Any suggestions? Is there any way to speed this up or at least make it more predictable?

I don't enjoy crying and sitting around doing nothing is driving me crazier. My immediate family needs me to be pulled together but I fear that if I do nothing I will crack when it is most inconvenient. This person was my best friend growing up, we lived together so it was more like losing my sister and niece. To put it in perspective, I actually cried... in front of people... with cameras... who happen to be working for the AP. It's serious but I don't know what to do.

It's a different kind of pain, but pain nontheless. Not very likely you can make it shorter, but maybe a bit easier for you to bear.
I guess that you have to convince your relatives that you need to have some time on your own. At least that's what I need whenever I'm in great emotional trouble.
After my grandmother's funeral, the first thing I wanted to do is to get away from the mourners. I didn't want to be impious; it was rather because I simply couldn't tolerate my own grief and so many people around me at the same time (I'm just not comfortable with crowds). And I resented my sister's comment on my crying. Not that I am or was ashamed of it, but really no need in pointing it out.

Hope that helps. Very sorry to hear that, and all the best to you.
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
:( I'm sorry. :(

I've lost a close cousin to cancer, and another (but not close) cousin to murder... both times I wept. A lot. There is no bypassing the emotions, IMO.

I recommend clearing your schedule and spending time in a place where you feel safe enough to not need to put up emotional filters. I am not comfortable crying in front of people, so whenever I was getting teary in front of others I'd waste so much energy finding my stoicism that I think I took longer to process my feelings.

Processing death is physically and mentally exhausting. A few trusted friends to email (I did this immediately) or maybe even talk IRL (I never did this until months after the deaths) help.

Sidenote: I'm grateful for the way that sharing myself in a time of vulnerability strengthened some of my important relationships. I recommend taking a few risks by sharing more than what is safe (with people you trust and care about, of course).
 

chasingAJ

New member
Joined
Jul 20, 2009
Messages
161
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
FIVE
Thanks

Sorry it took me so long to come back and say thank you, I went through this odd phase of really raw/needy/emotional moments that switched to cold and isolating and then flipped again for no apparent reason. I still miss them and when I think about it I can feel the pain (which is a great leap forward as before the pain sort of took me for a ride). I have been in isolation with only my school work as much as possible (got a 4.0 out of it at least).

I'm re-joining society now and I kinda missed being a voyeur here... it's like intellectual porn. :newwink:
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
Have you read "A Grief observed" by C.S Lewis (INTJ)? I am reading it right now. It's about this totally rational man Lewis who grieves the death of his wife, and struggles with the emotions so badly and struggles with his faith as well. Very interesting.
 

chasingAJ

New member
Joined
Jul 20, 2009
Messages
161
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
FIVE
I'd never heard of that title but I put it into the online catalog at my public library and they have 2 copies, tomorrow it's mine. Thank you!
 

WoodsWoman

New member
Joined
Dec 24, 2007
Messages
778
MBTI Type
INFP
May I suggest Recovery From Loss It is written by an INTP and an INFP and MBTI differences are noted - I found it to be quite useful - though C.S. Lewis is right up there with it. (I love all of C.S. Lewis's non-fiction, I like his fiction too, but...)
 
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