[INTJ] How can I help an INTJ grieve?

[Sniffles]

I'd suggest a hands off approach and give them silent support and appreciation.

 

[Amargith]

You could tell him that there's so many logical errors in his line of thinking you don't know where to begin, but that he is definitely wrong. It helps that this is your area of expertise, so you could out-jargon him for a sentence or two. He's probably so lost that it wouldn't be hard to relinquish perceived power over logic capacities.

Then cuddling, probably.



Extra prayers for your household tonight. Everything will be okay.

woman, you know your stuff. Eowyn, I know this is hard for you, this sucks for all of you, but give it time, and listen to this person right here.

 

[Athenian200]

I predicted that he would feel guilty earlier, remember?

I just wish I knew what to tell you. All I can suggest is that you insist it's illogical and appeal to your advanced knowledge in this area, like Usehername said.

An INTJ isn't likely to just let you absolve them of their guilt directly by saying it wasn't their fault and you don't blame them, so the best thing to do is to approach their feelings indirectly by saying it's illogical to believe that.

I do know that INTJs have a heightened sense of accountablity, though, and are very likely to blame themselves for the failure of something and try to figure out what they did wrong, even if they should know logically that there was nothing they could have done. This is the exact point where the INTJs idealism and need for competence enter the realm of irrationality.

They may know where their technical skills and abilities start and end, but they do not have a sense of where their control and personal accountability start and end. So you have to illustrate the latter in terms of the former such that the possibility is excluded from consideration.

 

[Kalach]

To some degree, I'm not going along with the don't talk about it suggestions.

Yes, it's easier to leave an INTJ alone with their feelings. For one thing, talking about their feelings can cause trouble because rather than actually talk about the feelings, they will use the discussion to seek expression and achievement for their current feeling. In other words, they may lash out. In doing so, they'll jump a few logic steps and whatever they say--while definitely true in some sense--is for pragmatic effect. And so, actual discovery of the true core and direction of the feeling gets lost. They end up a bit directionless, having lost the chance to re-prioritise.

But there is something to be said for talking feeling with an INTJ. (If one knows what one is doing.) For one, it'll be a short talk. For two, it gets the feeling out there, probably (I guess) as some kind of statement of missed goals. For three, if those first things come together well, the INTJ has a clearer picture of what he should do next--promote this feeling or that, follow this plan or the other, or give up, and otherwise begin the restructuring of everything.


You've been trying to get pregnant for some time, yeah? So it's high stress, high stakes. And feeling isn't supposed to fail. I wonder--totally just guessing--I wonder if he's not struggling with conflicting decisions: one, give up because the technology doesn't support the hope; two, hope, hope and keep working for hope.


Really just guessing. Sorry if it gets in the way of working out what you need to work out.

 

[Eowyn]

But there is something to be said for talking feeling with an INTJ. (If one knows what one is doing.) For one, it'll be a short talk. For two, it gets the feeling out there, probably (I guess) as some kind of statement of missed goals. For three, if those first things come together well, the INTJ has a clearer picture of what he should do next--promote this feeling or that, follow this plan or the other, or give up, and otherwise begin the restructuring of everything.


You've been trying to get pregnant for some time, yeah? So it's high stress, high stakes. And feeling isn't supposed to fail. I wonder--totally just guessing--I wonder if he's not struggling with conflicting decisions: one, give up because the technology doesn't support the hope; two, hope, hope and keep working for hope.

A tiny update--he's opting for hope. He had a breakdown and we actually cried together after it was confirmed in a way that he couldn't deny it.

When one of us gets suckerpunched by a reminder out of the blue (like the bill for the whole thing that arrived today--dammit, dead babies should be free :steam, we are actually in sync for the first time in nearly 11 years, and basically just hold each other and don't talk. It helps. We'll heal. Eventually.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I'd say some words, but there's nothing brilliant enough, really.