[INTJ] social INTJ

[Kra]

These little social rituals that Poppy was talking about work but here's a thing I sometimes struggle with: I cannot start any 'smalltalk'. I hate sitting at dinnertables with people that aren't that very familiar to me and no interesting conversation going on. I will have nothing to say. When a silence comes up, don't look to me for a new opening of conversation....

This.

If I have to break the ice, it will most assuredly not be with small talk, but rather some Ni-inspired idea/comment that will surely make the other person feel uncomfortable (purely unintentionally). Which is why I'm usually just quiet in those situations (which also tends to make some people feel uncomfortable for some reason). I guess it's a "Damned if I do, Damned if I don't" situation.

 

[Spamtar]

Sure, I have some candy in my van. It's just around the corner.

 

[Usehername]

These little social rituals that Poppy was talking about work but here's a thing I sometimes struggle with: I cannot start any 'smalltalk'. I hate sitting at dinnertables with people that aren't that very familiar to me and no interesting conversation going on. I will have nothing to say. When a silence comes up, don't look to me for a new opening of conversation....

You just need to be okay with being bored for a few minutes until you find common ground. It's like filling out an annoying form to get money later. The reward comes after you put in your time.

Weather or other equally banal comment => reflect aloud about something true without any value judgment "so, we have a meeting today at 11am?" ; this gets the other person talking => engage in reflective listening and prompt the other person to talk about themselves => continue until you find common ground with the other person. If you take longer than 5 minutes to find common ground you've put in your time and acknowledged the other person's presence to a degree that's more than socially acceptable, and you can walk away.

 

[Luet]

You just need to be okay with being bored for a few minutes until you find common ground. It's like filling out an annoying form to get money later. The reward comes after you put in your time.

Weather or other equally banal comment => reflect aloud about something true without any value judgment "so, we have a meeting today at 11am?" ; this gets the other person talking => engage in reflective listening and prompt the other person to talk about themselves => continue until you find common ground with the other person. If you take longer than 5 minutes to find common ground you've put in your time and acknowledged the other person's presence to a degree that's more than socially acceptable, and you can walk away.

Somehow that never works for me. When I try something like that peolpe look at me with empty eyes and say 'yeah...' Maybe am just often sharing dinnertables with other INTJ's without knowing it....

 

[Litvyak]

So. Does anyone know of any (relatively) social INTJ out there? To you fellow INTJs out there, how do you balance being sociable & still being authentic (being yourself)?

I consider myself one of those INTJs. You have to try going out more without forcing yourself to do shit. I've dealt with socializing as a necessary but unpleasant task, like "monday: statistics project, tuesday: socializing", which was a stupid thing to do. To find balance between letting the moment slip away and desperately chasing after something I can not reach: that was one of the hardest lessons ever.
Now I'm on a level where I go out only when I want to, but every time I want to. Not sure if I made myself clear enough.

 

[Oaky]

Socialising is unpleasant. Especially the small talk. I see socialising as a danger zone to try and avoid as much as possible. When I meet new people I get stiff and reply with, "yes", "no" or "I don't know" giving them the impression that I'm not interested in them (according to a friend) in which I'm usually not anyways.

When I'm walking through a hallway with stairs in between, and an acquaintance is on the other end walking my direction I start to walk very quickly to reach the stairs in order to avoid the small talk I'd have to endure when he says hi to me. I would do this even if where I have to go is at the end of the hallway and not up or down the stairs.

If I can't avoid walking past an acquaintance, I'd just pretend I didn't see him and if I get the idea that they'll talk to me I'd get my mobile out and pretend I'm calling someone on the phone while I walk past him.

 

[Spamtar]

These little social rituals that Poppy was talking about work but here's a thing I sometimes struggle with: I cannot start any 'smalltalk'. I hate sitting at dinnertables with people that aren't that very familiar to me and no interesting conversation going on. I will have nothing to say. When a silence comes up, don't look to me for a new opening of conversation....

Remember back when used to have a hard time with small talk. I used to ask and never get satisfactory answers.

NLP was helpful because it used strategies that I was comfortable with, helped me learn about the 'dinner guest', and made them comfortable and happy. Also learned other strategies entertainers use who small talk to an audience on stage.

In general being an INT it is easier to turn a problem like small talk into a game, pattern or strategy that you can do over and over again to the point of doing it without even thinking. Here is one strategy that I think you can relate to:

1. Think of small talk at dinner similar to posting habits and starting a thread here or other message board.

2. The topics can be as varied as here; attempt to incorporate things in your environment, of mutual interest, or to lead to a state of mind you want your 'dinner guest' to feel/think. Try and get 5 metaphoric "threads" going on at the same time (no big rush but this is the goal to avoid stagnation you can use the fingers of your hand to remind you which thread you are on).

3. The "posts" need not be linear (i.e. hop around post from one thread to the other). Be confident in hopping back and forth to other thread or even 'cutting threads' (ending conversation) if it brings on a
A. negative reaction (i.e. 'dinner guest' talking about her (ex)boyfriend.)
and/or
B. Stagnation in conversation on topic of thread

and then starting a new thread.