[INTJ] INTJ who can't seem to control Fi

[WordGeek]

I know how you feel. When I get hurt by a really good friend or someone I like very much, I feel exactly the same (like a completely crazy person). I just have to go through it, even though it may take a long time. Always had extreme anxiety which might be part of it. As for medication, maybe you can try to find the lowest possible level of medication, that helps to take the edge off?

 

[Glass Forest]

A very similar thing has happened to me. Rejection by my best friend made me get massively depressed for weeks, then on and off for months. I seem to be getting a bit better at "rolling with the punches" when something happens to make me upset, but im still extremely vulnerable to anything related to them. It is the worst feeling ever to be out of control of your own emotions.

I've also had anxiety issues my whole life, maybe i should have got medication a long time ago...

 

[thescientist]

I know how you feel. When I get hurt by a really good friend or someone I like very much, I feel exactly the same (like a completely crazy person). I just have to go through it, even though it may take a long time. Always had extreme anxiety which might be part of it. As for medication, maybe you can try to find the lowest possible level of medication, that helps to take the edge off?

I can so relate. I actually AM on medication for chronic depression. I weaned myself off for a few weeks and it was disastrous. Depression/paranoia/anxiety to the max! So i'm slowly getting back on them. I got off them because I felt like they made me not care about things I use to care about. I was just so nonchalant about everything. In my case, the medication is a double-edged sword, but right now, I rather not suffer the high depression/anxiety levels and be overly-relaxed and carefree.

A very similar thing has happened to me. Rejection by my best friend made me get massively depressed for weeks, then on and off for months. I seem to be getting a bit better at "rolling with the punches" when something happens to make me upset, but im still extremely vulnerable to anything related to them. It is the worst feeling ever to be out of control of your own emotions.

I've also had anxiety issues my whole life, maybe i should have got medication a long time ago...

I'm thinking of seeing a therapist about this. I still cant seem to manage my feelings. They rule me all the time. I am so consumed with anger and sadness and it's all over everything that happened. I feel like I cant accept the past. That things need to be further clarified and there was so much more I could have said and done. It's an awful feeling and I cant seem to escape it.

I usually NEVER hold on to the past, but in this scenario, I just feel very misunderstood by the other party, and have not felt closure because of that. Maybe it's an INTJ thing, but my goal is always for the other person to fully understand where I'm coming from. If they dont, I feel like I didnt successfully communicate my feelings (which is pretty much ALWAYS the case!). At this point, confronting again would be a VERY bad idea. He will just think I'm a nut.

I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now...some days it's worse than others....

 

[Kalach]

I'm thinking of seeing a therapist about this. I still cant seem to manage my feelings. They rule me all the time. I am so consumed with anger and sadness and it's all over everything that happened. I feel like I cant accept the past. That things need to be further clarified and there was so much more I could have said and done. It's an awful feeling and I cant seem to escape it.

I usually NEVER hold on to the past, but in this scenario, I just feel very misunderstood by the other party, and have not felt closure because of that. Maybe it's an INTJ thing, but my goal is always for the other person to fully understand where I'm coming from. If they dont, I feel like I didnt successfully communicate my feelings (which is pretty much ALWAYS the case!). At this point, confronting again would be a VERY bad idea. He will just think I'm a nut.

I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now...some days it's worse than others....

I like that you're able to say so. Just reading over the last few messages in this thread I'm remembering ye olde days, my 20s, and the roller coaster that they were sometimes. That idea of not being able to control the feelings, and having them throw you about--yeah, I relate. It made for some awful times. I don't think I ever spoke about it to anyone.

 

[entropie]

You thought about writting your feelings down ?

Helped me alot in times of trouble

 

[Heart&Brain]

I am so consumed with anger and sadness and it's all over everything that happened.

It sucks, I feel with you. But FWIW this is also part of a legitimate and kind of linear process of dealing with a frustrated need. We go through it when we want something but can't have it, from when kids don't get the candy they want, to the process adults go through when they loose a dear one.
1. First we'll be fighting the fact. Not accepting the outcome, refusing to have 'lost', still trying to get one's way, if only in a minor matter. (i.e. "He / she HAS to understand me even when I don't understand myself, HAS to think the way I think about this, HAS to validate my point of view!)
2. At a point we give up fighting, forced to see it's futile. Then we feel anger about the frustrated need, in realisation that it will not be fulfilled. Blame-game. Analysing the causes and effects, pinning injustice and hurt.
3. But eventually we'll have to let this outward focus shift from the injustice of the causes to coming to terms with the abscence of the desired object. There were reasons we desired it and its absence leaves a wound in us. Now we're mourning the actual loss, and the nature of external or internal events that caused it become relatively unimportant, since no matter what they were, it's you that have to come to terms with the outcome. We feel grief and sadness. Possibly isolate ourselves, roll into a featus position or cry by an understanding shoulder. We say goodbye to the desired piece of candy or the loved one or the dream of being understood etc.
4. When the magnitude of the loss has been incorporated and dealt with in you, you can begin to look outwards again. And see new things.

I feel like I cant accept the past. That things need to be further clarified and there was so much more I could have said and done. It's an awful feeling and I cant seem to escape it.

I usually NEVER hold on to the past, but in this scenario, I just feel very misunderstood by the other party, and have not felt closure because of that. Maybe it's an INTJ thing, but my goal is always for the other person to fully understand where I'm coming from. If they dont, I feel like I didnt successfully communicate my feelings (which is pretty much ALWAYS the case!).

In this case you'll probably have to let go of the desire to control his internal experience of the events and just focus on your own. It doesn't necessarily mean you didn't communicate well. He may have his own reasons to protect his version of what happened. That's outside your influence and control now. You'll have to validate yourself, not be dependent on controlling his understanding. It's good to try once or twice to merge the two private storylines, but it's an "extra" and it's not objectively vital to your future life and handling of emotions. So, at some point you'll have to stop banging your head against the wall of outer causes. Accept the loss of control over others and over your own feelings, and grieve.

And though it may initially feel like a defeat to give up control, you'll learn to differentiate yourself from the other and you'll grow emotionally doing this.

Aw, and I KNOW it's easier said than done! But you'll get there..

 

[thescientist]

It sucks, I feel with you. But FWIW this is also part of a legitimate and kind of linear process of dealing with a frustrated need. We go through it when we want something but can't have it, from when kids don't get the candy they want, to the process adults go through when they loose a dear one.
1. First we'll be fighting the fact. Not accepting the outcome, refusing to have 'lost', still trying to get one's way, if only in a minor matter. (i.e. "He / she HAS to understand me even when I don't understand myself, HAS to think the way I think about this, HAS to validate my point of view!)
2. At a point we give up fighting, forced to see it's futile. Then we feel anger about the frustrated need, in realisation that it will not be fulfilled. Blame-game. Analysing the causes and effects, pinning injustice and hurt.
3. But eventually we'll have to let this outward focus shift from the injustice of the causes to coming to terms with the abscence of the desired object. There were reasons we desired it and its absence leaves a wound in us. Now we're mourning the actual loss, and the nature of external or internal events that caused it become relatively unimportant, since no matter what they were, it's you that have to come to terms with the outcome. We feel grief and sadness. Possibly isolate ourselves, roll into a featus position or cry by an understanding shoulder. We say goodbye to the desired piece of candy or the loved one or the dream of being understood etc.
4. When the magnitude of the loss has been incorporated and dealt with in you, you can begin to look outwards again. And see new things.


In this case you'll probably have to let go of the desire to control his internal experience of the events and just focus on your own. It doesn't necessarily mean you didn't communicate well. He may have his own reasons to protect his version of what happened. That's outside your influence and control now. You'll have to validate yourself, not be dependent on controlling his understanding. It's good to try once or twice to merge the two private storylines, but it's an "extra" and it's not objectively vital to your future life and handling of emotions. So, at some point you'll have to stop banging your head against the wall of outer causes. Accept the loss of control over others and over your own feelings, and grieve.

And though it may initially feel like a defeat to give up control, you'll learn to differentiate yourself from the other and you'll grow emotionally doing this.

Aw, and I KNOW it's easier said than done! But you'll get there..

Thank you for this. It was very insightful. I especially have trouble with the acceptance part. I just dont want to feel like I failed you know? Like there's still a way to fix things.

I think injustice is something that I have trouble seeing past. It's up there with dishonesty. And both were messed with in my case. Anytime you touch any of those 2 with me, I go berserk inside, if I dont lash out at you in fury first.

The lack of closure just kills me too.

I will keep what has been said in mind and attempt to accept.

You thought about writting your feelings down ?

Helped me alot in times of trouble

I've been recommended this a few times. I just have to sit down and make the time. I think it could help. I like to organize my thoughts in writing. I'm just afraid of all of the feelings that will resurge once I finally do.

 

[lorkan]

This topic brings me alot of insight.

 

[lorkan]

I got a question for you.

Have it ever so happend that you've mistaken people for being liars, yet they tell you the truth but you've been incapable of handling it?

(Sincere curiousity)

 

[thescientist]

I got a question for you.

Have it ever so happend that you've mistaken people for being liars, yet they tell you the truth but you've been incapable of handling it?

(Sincere curiousity)

I usually have to somehow confirm that it's actually a lie before calling them out on it. Otherwise I'd look pretty stupid if they weren't lying.