[NT] So.. if life's a bitch, then am I wrong for trying to enjoy the ride?

[mysavior]

I might just change it.. seems a bit too corny. La la la.

 

[Totenkindly]

Corn is tasty.

(especially popped.)

 

[mysavior]

Let me start a collection..

 

[mysavior]

5-12-2006:

I'm so worried now. Life is creeping up on me. Soon, I'll be out of college, and into the workplace. I'm at a loss for motivation. Everything thing I see, hear, touch, feel within myself, and think tells me that this world, Corporate America, is not the place for me. I mean, just going to a popular website like forbes.com, or making an attempt to bring myself up-to-date with technology, and the trends in the world just exhausts me. I'm not exhausted in the sense that the act of going around and gathering information is tiring, but in the sense that seeing what is going on out there, in the real world, and seeing what I'm in for is like a silent inner death. I don't have the strength to move forward, I don't have the ambition, I don't have any drive, and I really would prefer not to. I am oh so overtly kicking myself in the ass for putting on my shoulder as much debt as I have. How stupid I've been. I have a brain, but I have not been using it. I had a brain when I started college, but at that point I was so much worse than I am now, that I set it to run on auto-pilot. Talk about the choices you make in life coming back to eat you away.

I'm sullen about people. Just looking around, they get me so down. WTF? Like, I'm talking about women. Beautiful women. I watch them walk around, and on their faces are such plastic smiles. They are reaching out, and one of their pings for help get to me everytime I look at them. I see so much sadness, so much loneliness, so much of a disgust for the world they live in. And yet they carry-on, wasting away with each additional step they take through life. I don't know what I feel, but I want to say its pity. I don't know what to do. I want to go over and comfort them, but surely I'll just add to the hell of their life. I want to make a motion to yell at them, to tell them to stop killing themselves, but as I have no solution for myself, my yelling will surely disconnect them more from something meaningful, and sink them further into that seemingly inescapable duldrum of an existance. I don't know what to do. I don't have reason to show that I care. I'm in such a shitty state right now. God.

I worry. I worry about alot. I'm screwing up. I've screwed up alot. I'm worried about being introverted. I'm worried SO VERY MUCH about being introverted. I wish it would go away. I wish I could develop better social skills. I wish I could have a more maintainable energy level, and an interest in dealing with people. I wish I could be around a lot of people without collapsing into myself. I wish three IM windows on AIM while doing homework didn't PHYSICALLY exhaust me. I envy extroverts. I hate extraverts. They annoy me, but I wish so eagerly to have their base. All these people I keep offending by being me makes me hate myself. I shoot down insecures, those with weak hearts, those who really want to know me, those who need everyone to be polite, those who want attention, those who love me, those who envy me, those who want to learn from me, those who want to be around me, those who care, those who want to care, those who want to be with me, those who admire me, those who'd ALWAYS look out for me, and now, I'm at arms with the world. They all hate me, because of my attitude. What is wrong with me? I can't even go outside now, without being a nuisance.. why? Because my face exudes the "vibe" of someone who's stuck-up, or someone who's a prick, or someone who will willingly make you uneasy. So clear to me that I don't know what to do. And shit, no one knows how to help me, I've gotten here by running away from pity, I'm staying here because I'm afraid to go back to reality, and here, where I am, is as lost as I see it clear that I'm meant to be.

I think I'm no different from those beautiful women I see, who walk around with their lives having no meaning. I carry deep in my heart a burden, and what's weighting me down, though I can talk about it, is completely unclear to me. I'm hoping for a better life, I'm hoping for better days, I'm hoping for an awakening, a revitalizing stroke from the heavens.. maybe I need religion. No, maybe I need religion more. I've never been afraid to talk about my belief in God. I've never been afraid to say that I believe in God, but will all my silence, I think I have forgotten that I do think he's out there, somewhere, watching. In all this redundant, trivial bullshit, I think I've lost the look of a righteous man. I need to find wholeness again.

My emotions are NOT non-existant, though they don't drive me, or maintain a dominant role in my "psyche," but there are there. We are all humans, aren't we? But now, I feel like a fool, because I don't know how to deal with all this shit. I never bothered to pay my feelings any attention. Throughout these years they have gone unparented, unchecked, unguided, unorganized, and unneeded. I neglected them just like I did everything else. And now all I can do is mentally shake, like I'm having a seizure, or gasp for air, manically, like I'm going into shock, from drowning. I want to kick my ass.

I've never had much to write about, and as I'm writing now, its just to write.. in my head its unclear what I'm saying, or what I'm thinking, or what I'm realizing, but I figure writing is the medium at my fingertips, at this point.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I don't go to class.
I'm failing school.
I don't go to church.
I don't maintain relationships with my family.
I don't even fucking shower, unless I'm going outside.. which now is rare.
I don't think.
I don't program.
I don't do ANYTHING, but somehow I'm ALWAYS tired.
I don't eat well.
I don't act politely around people.
I don't meet any deadlines.

I'm so disgusted. Everything I've judged and rebuked in other people.. every thing that has repulsed me about other people.. EVERYTHING... is coming together, and targetting itself at me, in one small instant.

I should be so stupid.

 

[mysavior]

10-08-2007:

Alright,

I've been thinking about this for a little while, and what I'm starting to realize is that I don't really trust alot of women. Now, I'm still trying to figure out if this me being fucked up, or if its that the women around me are just incisive and should be dealt with using a 100ft pole, but that doesnt matter right now..

My question is, how do you work on developing trust in a relationship? Also, do you actually try to develop trust in a relationship, or is it a prerequisite (you wouldn't go into a relationship without trusting someone)? If you don't force trust, do you know how you've generally come to trust someone?

Another question: do you have control issues? If so, then how have you dealt with them to keep them under control. I never thought I gave a crap about being in control or not being controlled, or whatever, but I'm realizing that alot of my "issues" may be stemming from being pushed around, or I guess dominated in relationships. I don't enjoy being dominated, I don't enjoy being controlled, I don't enjoy being told what to do, and I have problems seeing myself in a situation where the person I'm with needs to be constantly argued against or bitched at to fuck off and not be overbearing.

Any ideas for how to figure out if I'm actually being pushed around, or if I'm just not someone with enough energy to deal with the typical levels of BS? I mean, maybe this pushiness is normal, and I'm supposed to be "man enough" to push back harder? I don't know, but this seems like a waste of time to me.

Heh, and finally, I've always found myself repulsed by more extraverted women. I'm not saying they were bossy and controlling, but they have been really freaking invasive/nosy, and don't really understand the meaning of privacy. I've never gotten into a relationship with a loudmouth, so I'm talking about this from a purely "who the fuck are you? why don't you buzz off?" perspective.

Pretty much, I need to be checked. I don't know if I'm right for thinking/being this way, or if I'm partially right and need to address certain aspects of myself (which and how?) to better deal with life, or if I'm just flat out wrong (why am I wrong?).

 

[Economica]

I don't do ANYTHING, but somehow I'm ALWAYS tired.

You're probably tired because you don't do anything. Start exercising and you'll get more energy.

 

[mysavior]

10-10-2007:

Alright,

Here's what happened. I had to stay at college an extra semester due to what happened to me during my junior year: I failed a mandatory lab. Now, I failed the lab primarily because I was bad-mouthed to the professor by the students in the class. That is, I would usually end up being the one that would do the entire lab by myself, but yet somehow I would get marked down for not making an equal contribution. In one lab it was because I didn't do my fair share. In the next lab it was because I dominated the group and didn't give them a chance to work on anything. In another lab it was because I wasn't present during the demo time (I had a school-sponsored activity that EVERYONE knew about-- its the success of this activity that has me being envied by this whole place). This freaked me out like you wouldn't believe. At the end of the semester I get this message from the professor saying I failed the Junior lab due to lack of contribution. This slapped me so hard that I fell into a major depressive episode.

Anyway, I retake junior lab, and almost fail AGAIN for the same reasons. This has me twigging out. I'm pulling my hair out of my head: how could these people be getting away with this garbage?

Now, I'm finally in senior lab, and just about ready to be done with this place. Everything seemed to have been going well, but I have been hit by the bug again. The group got a bad grade on the last milestone report, and now everyone in the group is pointing their finger at me, saying I'm at fault for doing A, for doing B, and for doing C. I can't believe that this is actually happening again. Anyway, the main reason for the grade drop in the milestone was that a section was done completely incorrectly. The section was comprised of elements that the other team members were responsible for. Now, the group must be in denial or something, because they are blaming every other section (all the stuff I was responsible for) for causing the grade drop, but the grade sheet clearly indicated the section that was responsible. Anyway, there are these peer reviews in the senior lab, and the numbers on the review determine your percentage of the grade. Guess what I got? Wait, I should say.. wanna guess what I got? I got voted down by the group on these bullshit categories that left me screwed and the other group members getting a bump in their grade (the grade is multiplied by the number of people in the group, then distributed by workload... so its possible to get a 100% yourself, even if the group grade was an 80%.. getting a 100%, though, means that someone got a 60%).

Anyway, I KNOW that this is BS, and I can NOT believe that it was happening again, so I, of course, go to the professor's office to complain about the peer review. When I get there the professor throws in my face the various complaints that he has received from members of my group, and the fact that I'm missing classes (I am-- he specifically cited his lectures as optional, since we can view the slides online. I do not miss labs), and things of that nature. I hand him the documentation for the section of the lab I did, show him undeniable proof that I had in fact communicated all this to the group members (obviously I had), and he decides to take their side. He says that things like these should be discussed in the presence of the group, and my coming to his office is indicative of my general attitude towards the group, and that without team work and team spirit a team will not succeed, and that I should talk to the group and figure out how I can better be of assistance. I couldn't BELIEVE this.. now, the group had been complaining about me all this time, and he didn't have a problem with that? He uses the complaints as ammunition against me, and then comes at me for coming to him protesting my grade!? It was made clear to me that this professor is not only not on my side, but he is also specifically trying to screw me. He and the junior lab professor are friends, so no doubt he has been filled with garbage from that junior lab professor.

Anyway, I need help! I don't know what to do. If things keep up like this, I'm going to fail this lab again, and I'll be here for ANOTHER YEAR, because the lab senior lab is only offered in the fall. What do I do? The students in the class don't like me, and thus they constantly try to get at me. They continually succeed because the professors ALSO don't like me. So, I can complain all I want, the professors are just looking for a reason to dock my grades.

...And all this because my extra-curricular activity was the laughing stock of my college before I came, but then two years after I got here it went out and won so many damn awards that no one could say shit to me, the team, or about the team. The awards were basically slaps that stung the ego of pretty much everyone on campus (professors, students on other teams, etc), and it has everyone seething.

WHAT DO I DO!?

Like, seriously, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm screwed. Im freaking out because this happened just about TWICE before and I couldn't do ANYTHING about my situation in those cases. And if I get stuck with this again, I'm ROYALLY SCREWED.

Jesus!

 

[mysavior]

10-10-2007:

Once I dreamt about being chased around by colossus (X-Men) at my (then) home in St. Mary, Jamaica. This dream was weird, because I could feel myself being afraid, as though it were really happening. Now, I said chased around, but I'm not really sure if he was actually chasing me. For the most part, it was me fearing that he would kill me. The interesting thing is, in this dreamworld, I was at my home in the country (St. Mary), but sometimes I would run, or blink, or twitch, and I'd be at the first church I ever attended (it was in Kingston). Soon, the dreamworld wasn't just home in St. Mary, or church in Kingston, but a mashup of both environments.

Anyway, I was afraid of colossus, and to try to stay alive I would kiss up to him, and subordinate myself.. you know, be his little bitch.. this happens for a while, I'm still alive, and then all of a sudden I'm at the church location in a car (or maybe behind the car) again running, fearing that I'm about to get caught (or run over, I'm not sure). I remember thinking that if I died in this dream, then I'd die in real life, and that was my motivation to keep running.

I was probably around 10'ish when I had this dream, and at that time in my life I could easily control every aspect of my dreams. You know, I could make stuff appear, I could fly on demand if I wanted to, etc.. part of the reason for this was the fact that I could realize that I was dreaming, and put some force of will into effect to make things change. In the dream I talked about above, I was aware that I was dreaming, but things moved along in such a way that I couldn't control anything. It was weird, and very unnerving.

I can't control my dreams anymore, and I also can't remember most of what I dream about anymore. I don't know why.

 

[mysavior]

YouTube - Blind Date From Hell - What would you do?

I'm still thinking about this video...

Who won (seriously)?

Was it the guy, for not doing shit-- you know, acting like the "grown up?"

Was it the woman, for "sticking it to the man?"

Did they both end up like a couple of losers?

She left all rash, high, and mighty... would someone (in general now) think they had "won" after doing a series of things like that?

How many people would think that she came out "on top?"

I kid you not when I say that this is bothering me.. simply because I know a bunch of ENFPs (maybe ESFJs, but they are way too fucking P), and this is EXACTLY like the bullshit I've been through.. I mean, and watching this video, it looks like the lady made a fool out of that "nerd," ie, these ENFPs are making a fool out of me.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?

 

[mysavior]

08-04-2007:

I can't stand emotions, I can't stand overly emotional people.

I hate being babied, I hate being ignored,

I hate being taken for granted, I hate not being the center of attention,

I hate it when I say something and no one bothers to take action,

I hate standing around and looking like a jackass, because no one is talking to me,

I hate that because I'm standing around and minding my own business, someone sees me as weird, or unusual,

I hate it when people talk to me like I'm an idiot,

I hate it when people are rude to me, without a good reason,

i hate it when people get all worked up when I shut them the fuck up,

i hate it when I don't have anything to say at an important time, I hate it that everything good that I want to do takes a big struggle,

i hate it when idiots are empowered and start speaking up, i hate it when I have to take orders from a fool,

i hate it when people try to get a rise out of me, i hate it when people try to use me,

i hate it when people take advantage of my flashes of niceness, i hate it that stupid little things have the largest of implications,

i hate it when an idiot thinks that because they are popular they are less stupid,

i hate it when someone fucks up, and ruins many peoples lives, and then all of a sudden couldn't care less because a fun night on the town made them feel better,

I hate it that the good guys are usually the ones that get punished or ostracized, because the bads guys aren't stupid enough to take the fall,

i hate that anytime something goes wrong its not the person who smiles and is cheerful that's at fault, but the grimp in the corner,

i wish i could just accept the fact that people don't like me,

i wish i could just begin to operate under the assumption that i'll fuck shit up soon enough, so I should just prepare for the retaliation now,

i wish i could just accept the fact that anyone who smiles at me thinks they are doing me a favor, and want to be acknowledged for some "out-of-this-world good deed," i wish this shit would end,

i hate it that people are that fucking stupid, i hate it that flakey mother fuckers coast through life on the hard work of honest people,

i hate it that it takes an underhanded jackass mentality to really get through, i hate it when i see girls being attracted to the shittiest of details,

i hate it when i'm wrong, i hate it when things don't go my way,

i hate it when I don't know how to respond, i hate it when people come to the wrong conclusions about me,

i hate it that people aren't threatened by me, i hate it that people don't like me for a very stupid reason,

i hate it that a boss would pay a significant percentage of his employees to do nothing, and because someone points out his fuckup, they get fired, and the no-goods get a promotion, i hate it that someone would rather fail than admit they were wrong,

i hate it when someone tries to bullshit me, i hate it when someone puts together a piece of shit product and has the balls to talk it off,

i hate it when i get tired and frustrated and become unable to expose the bullshit for the shit that it really is, i hate it when i stop trying,

i hate it when i lose interest, i hate it that I'm scared of getting into a relationship,

i hate it that I'm scared of being used,

i hate the fact that i'm always surrounded by bitches, or belittling little shits,

i hate it when i get a taste of my own medicine, when i didn't do shit,

i hate it that i don't retaliate in a wild and uncontrolled emotional manner like these mother fuckers,

i hate it that I just accept all the shit that happens to me, i hate it that this piece of shit notepad window is so fucking slow,

i hate this shitty computer, i hate living in this room with no AC in fucking 100 degree weather,

i hate it that I can work my ass off for years, and in one bad fucking hour, lose all that i hate worked for,

i hate it that I can't follow through, and fucking succeed.

i wish I had the method, i wish i could just say fuck you to who needs to get fucked over, smile to the people that are good, and for fuckers, make sure they have no recourse, and will be able to do nothing other than sit and realize how fucking stupid they are,

I just want to fuck these idiots, and fuck them good,

revenge, for fuck's sake,

I want to be the man.

 

[miss fortune]

Holy shit man- you need to quit worrying about everything! Take some time off- evaluate whether or not you're even studying the right thing and if that will make you happy for the rest of your working life. Go study abroad or get a job for a semester or so! Talk to a therapist, or two, or a career councilor and get your priorities straight!

sorry- I tend to be a bit practical

 

[miss fortune]

and the correct response is this

if life is a bitch pimp slap her ass!

 

[mysavior]

Holy shit man- you need to quit worrying about everything! Take some time off- evaluate whether or not you're even studying the right thing and if that will make you happy for the rest of your working life. Go study abroad or get a job for a semester or so! Talk to a therapist, or two, or a career councilor and get your priorities straight!

sorry- I tend to be a bit practical

I hate it when someone says I need to "get my priorities straight." As for why, I have no idea.

As for the rest of what you said, you might be right. Tops words I've heard in response to these posts: "counseling," "depression," "therapy," "relax," and "idiot."

 

[miss fortune]

for goodness sake- I didn't call you an idiot- I know idiots! If you were an idiot you would have taken up drinking to cope with your problems like I did! I just think it sounds like you might need to listen to other people about this- you can never evaluate your own problems right from the inside and sometimes outside help is really useful. I'm not trying to criticize!

 

[mysavior]

for goodness sake- I didn't call you an idiot- I know idiots! If you were an idiot you would have taken up drinking to cope with your problems like I did! I just think it sounds like you might need to listen to other people about this- you can never evaluate your own problems right from the inside and sometimes outside help is really useful. I'm not trying to criticize!

And I didn't say you called me an idiot.

 

[mysavior]

Alright,

I got my big break over the summer. I landed one helluva internship, and it went so well that they extended the length of the term from 3 months to six! Awesome. Well, they extended it 2 months ago, and right now I have only a month left to finish up the project that I was assigned to do, and I haven't started yet! I can't believe myself. Here I am with a chance to make a killer impression at a great company, but since I don't physically go into work everyday, I just blow off the work like its not there. I hope I get my act together before the time runs out. The last thing I need now is to mess this up.

Anyway, preparing for the worst (and since they haven't said anything to me about full time employment) I have been applying and interviewing at other companies. A few interviews went well enough that they wanted a second round, and I'm pretty stoked about that. Actually, right now I'm sitting in an airport waiting to catch a flight for an in-person interview. Hopefully one of these companies makes me an offer, so I don't have to sit and bite my nails about my summer internship becoming fulltime.

I don't know.

I'm still kinda worried about the fact that I'm handling this (current) opportunity so badly. I wish there was a way to not be soo "INTP" in certain areas. I like the "smart" thing, but I don't like lacking the willingness/drive to use any ability I have. I've been wondering for quite a while now what its going to be like for me when it all hits the fan, and I end up in the real world, and right now, its looking like I have alot of freaking work to do.

I'm considering hypnotherapy. I don't care how weird, or "shrink'ish" it sounds, I'm just hoping it works, and isn't just blowing smoke. Actually, I don't even care if its just blowing smoke, I just want to see improvement in certain areas of my personality and outlook on life.

Whatever.

I'm bored at this terminal. The flight doesn't come for another 2-3 hours, and what ever better to do at this time than to write a boring blog entry?

 

[Oberon]

Stay out of corporate America. I'm there, and I'm learning to hate it. Don't go there.

Apprentice as a luthier and make guitars and violins for living. It's very concrete...you produce an object of art...and yet impossible for the stupid. The feel of the wood under your hands can become like shaking hands with an old friend.

You can get an associate's degree in woodworking and run your own cabinet shop. It's good money if you do good work. You could design and build your own furniture.

Being a top artisan combines the best of being an artist and a craftsman. You get your work photographed for magazines. People seek you out.

 

[mysavior]

So, its been a few years, and reading back on this now is amazing to me. I've been killing life due to silent support from a few people, and I was about to descend into a negative spiral again, but I was brought back to this forum by external forces.

Its amazing how life can change, and how you can read about someone's experience, totally relate, then realize that it WAS YOU.

What a trip.

 

[Totenkindly]

Welcome back.

Its amazing how life can change, and how you can read about someone's experience, totally relate, then realize that it WAS YOU. What a trip.

I've been there, done it. I journaled/blogged a lot over the years, so I have a paper trail... and it just blows my mind when I read some of it. It's me, but not me; and sometimes I do not remember writing it. Pretty amazing trip, huh?

Glad things are still moving forward. Get used to that momentum.

 

[Shimmy]

So, its been a few years, and reading back on this now is amazing to me. I've been killing life due to silent support from a few people, and I was about to descend into a negative spiral again, but I was brought back to this forum by external forces.

Its amazing how life can change, and how you can read about someone's experience, totally relate, then realize that it WAS YOU.

What a trip.

That's awesome. I only read a bit of your previous posts, but I did notice the negativity pouring out. Despite not knowing you or even seeing you here before I'm glad that you feel better than that now.