[MBTI General] relationships xNTJ's with xNTP

[Virtual ghost]

Scary isn't the issue its appropriateness. Jen's date yelled at her....

As for my prospect he doens't get angry... which I don't believe but we will see.

Can you define what angry actually means in this context?



The thing is that I am one of those INTJs that "don't become angry".
(So I am asking)

 

[tinkerbell]

Can you define what angry actually means in this context?



The thing is that I am one of those INTJs that "don't become angry".
(So I am asking)

sorry I can't really help... Jen's experience was with an ENTJ - who in my experience are rather angry at times and scary...

My INTJ guy prospect and I were IMing and we were talkign about being angry, and he said he doesn't get angry... which I liked... he does seem calm and I'm thinking he will take most things in his stride... but I also think he get a wee bit passive agressive at times...

So I couldn't/wouldn't go over to see him during the summer.... he had decided to make prohibative choices and he snipped at me a few times and basically tried to make it my fault when his life decisions were getting in the way. He wasn't angry though, which caused me to wonder if his snipping was a way of expressing himself rather than getting anrgy.

So what do you do instead of being angry (and sorry I can't be more specific about what that is)

 

[Virtual ghost]

sorry I can't really help... Jen's experience was with an ENTJ - who in my experience are rather angry at times and scary...

My INTJ guy prospect and I were IMing and we were talkign about being angry, and he said he doesn't get angry... which I liked... he does seem calm and I'm thinking he will take most things in his stride... but I also think he get a wee bit passive agressive at times...

So I couldn't/wouldn't go over to see him during the summer.... he had decided to make prohibative choices and he snipped at me a few times and basically tried to make it my fault when his life decisions were getting in the way. He wasn't angry though, which caused me to wonder if his snipping was a way of expressing himself rather than getting anrgy.

So what do you do instead of being angry (and sorry I can't be more specific about what that is)

It seems like I am quite similar to your guy.
Instead of getting angry I will analyse and make plans.
This is automatic reaction about which I can't do something about. However if I see that I will have to make a pressure to assure that things go as planned then I can become passive argressive in some cases.
I do this simply because I want that the other person realizes what I want.
However my Te can come as anger to many people. Especially since they don't expect so much Te from so introverted person.

 

[tinkerbell]

It seems like I am quite similar to your guy.
Instead of getting angry I will analyse and make plans.
This is automatic reaction about which I can't do something about. However if I see that I will have to make a pressure to assure that things go as planned then I can become passive argressive in some cases.
I do this simply because I want that the other person realizes what I want.
However my Te can come as anger to many people. Especially since they don't expect so much Te from so introverted person.

In fairness hes my wannabe guy....

So you plan your way out....now tell me how does my P-ness get this guy to break camp and come and have a life... I have a horrible feeling his fixing his house up could take many weeks, which is begining to make me feel like he is not really interested/or sees it as a priority.

LOL so the passive agressive thing is simply to get people to conform to the PLAN... GOSH this is what the thread is all about... J-ness running rampant on my P-ness. Rationaly speaking I saw him getting snippey because I wasn't conforming to his plan - a plan which I had no involvement in making and was simply not in any possition to conform to it.......

So does this mean the INTJ basically get their own way all the time because of thier plan...?

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

I don't think I could ever make it work with a P.

 

[Virtual ghost]

In fairness hes my wannabe guy....

So you plan your way out....now tell me how does my P-ness get this guy to break camp and come and have a life... I have a horrible feeling his fixing his house up could take many weeks, which is begining to make me feel like he is not really interested/or sees it as a priority.

LOL so the passive agressive thing is simply to get people to conform to the PLAN... GOSH this is what the thread is all about... J-ness running rampant on my P-ness. Rationaly speaking I saw him getting snippey because I wasn't conforming to his plan - a plan which I had no involvement in making and was simply not in any possition to conform to it.......

So does this mean the INTJ basically get their own way all the time because of thier plan...?

I don't know how things are going exactly in your case so I will not give you concrete advice. (especially since I don't have any expriance with relationships)

However I will say that you should talk to him about what he wants (aka his plans). If he is interested in you he will tell you alot of things. (in my opinion this is a good indicator about how much he is actually interested)

In general INTJs are willing to compromise if they don't have to change plans too much. Especially if it is possible to achive multiple goals while not losing too much "efficiency".

 

[tinkerbell]

I

In general INTJs are willing to compromise if they don't have to change plans too much. Especially if it is possible to achive multiple goals while not losing too much "efficiency".

Hes been really open about plans to day, about a lot of things, and actually indicated that they were open to change etc..... So I do think he is being ligitimate.

I just have things I want out my life in the next few years, so his ability to compromise and or take on other peoples agendas will be paramout. We do seem to get on very well, and are drifting towards being quite close and comfortable...

LOL @ the efficiency... such an NTJ thing, my former boss ENTJ couldn't go anywhere without trying to organise the efficency..... god help minimum wage guy in a hotels when the team went away... they were always told how to change their operating processes, we all ganged up on him with paper bags on our heads at one point...

 

[Virtual ghost]

These are all great responces, I was recently hit on by an INTJ - which is a type I'd not considered, I was a bit intimidated by his J-ness - or perhaps I was ashamed of my P-ness

Would you care to explain this statement in more detail ?
I ask since people usually get scared when I show the full strenght of my J/Te.

 

[tinkerbell]

Would you care to explain this statement in more detail ?
I ask since people usually get scared when I show the full strenght of my J/Te.

Oh thats easy... I'm not a planner, and I'm a typical ENTP - which means I am bad at managing my own money, have no problems managing other peoples money give me a walloping budget and I will give you change (and not over run) and close the budget on time, however I don't manage my own money very well.

He on the other hand is Oooober planned and very good at managing money.

I don't plan in life I am spontaneous, and tend to be opportunistic, which I like, but it also leaves me vulnerable in many ways. He has a very firm plan of next steps...which if not over done would really be useful to balance him. I think he likes my spontenatey which would lighten him up... but it's when ts over done... my Pness may drive him nuts (although I've never had my phone cut off because I forgot to pay it), I know if I feel overly controlled I will go for the thorat and incite a power struggle.

I want to encourage him to express his desires without making it about my lack of compromise... I'm actualyl fairly easy going but I don't like being told I'm not compromising when he is requesting something outragious

 

[MiasmaResonance]

No worries. We more than likely hate you, too.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Oh thats easy... I'm not a planner, and I'm a typical ENTP - which means I am bad at managing my own money, have no problems managing other peoples money give me a walloping budget and I will give you change (and not over run) and close the budget on time, however I don't manage my own money very well.

He on the other hand is Oooober planned and very good at managing money.

I don't plan in life I am spontaneous, and tend to be opportunistic, which I like, but it also leaves me vulnerable in many ways. He has a very firm plan of next steps...which if not over done would really be useful to balance him. I think he likes my spontenatey which would lighten him up... but it's when ts over done... my Pness may drive him nuts (although I've never had my phone cut off because I forgot to pay it), I know if I feel overly controlled I will go for the thorat and incite a power struggle.

I want to encourage him to express his desires without making it about my lack of compromise... I'm actualyl fairly easy going but I don't like being told I'm not compromising when he is requesting something outragious

I can't say I am suprised with your answer. Actually I was just checking if this is the case.

Also I am prettly sure that he likes you because of your E and P. It is not imposible that he actually plans to "soften" himself by having you around. This probably sounds funnly to you but I really would not be suprised that he actually thinks on that way.


For example I am hardcore J and I have alot of problems in life because of this. Especially since my environment clearly favores P way of doing things. My NT side can soften this a little bit but I still have problems because of this.

 

[tinkerbell]

I can't say I am suprised with your answer. Actually I was just checking if this is the case.

Also I am prettly sure that he likes you because of your E and P. It is not imposible that he actually plans to "soften" himself by having you around. This probably sounds funnly to you but I really would not be suprised that he actually thinks on that way.


For example I am hardcore J and I have alot of problems in life because of this. Especially since my environment clearly favores P way of doing things. My NT side can soften this a little bit but I still have problems because of this.

It wouldn't surprise me given I'd do the exact thing, I would look for F types to soften me, but to be honest I soften greatly in love anyways... So it may all work out. I think he gets me, and likes my flakey randomness, or at very least thinks it's funny.

I guess I just need to wait and watch this space... we do have a big crunch point in terms of longevity, I want kids he is less sure - either we will get by that one or we wont.

 

[tinkerbell]

antisocial...

You can give me an insight, he says he is really interested, and actually I do beleive him. He also says he is not chatting to other women, but I can also see he is checking the dating site most days.... This may be to give himself something to do or it may be because he is being duplicitous or scoutting for something different... what do you think?

 

[Virtual ghost]

antisocial...

You can give me an insight, he says he is really interested, and actually I do beleive him. He also says he is not chatting to other women, but I can also see he is checking the dating site most days.... This may be to give himself something to do or it may be because he is being duplicitous or scoutting for something different... what do you think?

I could be wrong but I would place my bet on the idea that he wants to have a contigency plan. Especially since he knows that you are EP person and that you could change your mind about entire thing just like that. But this doesn't mean that he is not quite interested in you.


Also it is possible that he just want to talk to people.
Maybe he is even trying to find a way to have a better communication with you.

 

[jenocyde]

I think that this:

However if I see that I will have to make a pressure to assure that things go as planned then I can become passive argressive in some cases.
I do this simply because I want that the other person realizes what I want.

can be worse than this:

..., you may end up exploding on some poor sap who was just the tip of the iceberg and surprising yourself on the level of intensity.

I think I would much rather have someone scream at me than attempt to control me, especially in a passive aggressive manner. Ick.

In general INTJs are willing to compromise if they don't have to change plans too much. Especially if it is possible to achive multiple goals while not losing too much "efficiency".

Isn't compromise exactly the opposite of that? Do INTJs expect everyone to conform to their ways, or would they truly try and compromise if they cared about another person and respected their point of view? Of course this is a general question and not all INTJs are the same, so I guess I am directing this question more at you in particular...

Also I am prettly sure that he likes you because of your E and P. It is not imposible that he actually plans to "soften" himself by having you around. This probably sounds funnly to you but I really would not be suprised that he actually thinks on that way.

I can totally see this too, Tink. And maybe he's still checking the site because he is curious about people's response to him. It could just be pure vanity and no intention...

 

[tinkerbell]

I could be wrong but I would place my bet on the idea that he wants to have a contigency plan. Especially since he knows that you are EP person and that you could change your mind about entire thing just like that. But this doesn't mean that he is not quite interested in you.


Also it is possible that he just want to talk to people.
Maybe he is even trying to find a way to have a better communication with you.

ewe - not sure I'd buy that...

Personally I'm not in a possition to say stop, but I will be sure to nail it down... if he is interested he needs to be just that, in the short term I'll let it by because I do realise that this is all a bit high risk. I have a good feeling about him so patience required in the short term.

 

[tinkerbell]

I can totally see this too, Tink. And maybe he's still checking the site because he is curious about people's response to him. It could just be pure vanity and no intention...

I will play it by ear - it does bug me, but then I'm a person when I am interested I'm very single minded.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Isn't compromise exactly the opposite of that? Do INTJs expect everyone to conform to their ways, or would they truly try and compromise if they cared about another person and respected their point of view? Of course this is a general question and not all INTJs are the same, so I guess I am directing this question more at you in particular...

This totally depends on about what we are compromising about.
Actually what saves me in this cases is actually the fact that I have underdeveloped Fi for an INTJ. What means that in many cases I will not have a opinion. What makes things quite simple in most cases actually.


But when it comes to romance I simply don't have the expriance needed to answer your question. I mean everything I say as an answer it will stand on nothing.

 

[jenocyde]

I will play it by ear - it does bug me, but then I'm a person when I am interested I'm very single minded.

I hear ya, sister. I can be quite focused on winning achieving my goal, as well. As long as it can feasibly happen within a certain time frame. After too long, I lose patience and interest.

This totally depends on about what we are compromising about.

Good point, fair enough. I take that as a positive sign that you are willing to take the back seat or compromise on most things, as long as it's not important to you. I'm the same way. And most things aren't important to me.

 

[Virtual ghost]

ewe - not sure I'd buy that...
Personally I'm not in a possition to say stop, but I will be sure to nail it down... if he is interested he needs to be just that, in the short term I'll let it by because I do realise that this is all a bit high risk. I have a good feeling about him so patience required in the short term.

That scenario is not likely but it is not completly impossibe.
(sorry I don't know the details).