[NT] Loneliness while single

[ChocolateMoose123]

I've been single for four years. Do I get lonely? Once in a while. I have great friends. So not really. I mean, I want a meaningful relationship but whenever I think about it...I don't want company for company's sake. I won't settle to not be lonely. In fact, that just makes me feel lonelier. So, yeah. All or nothing for me.

 

[cascadeco]

For reasons already mentioned, the capitalist system has had a fragmenting effect on humanity. Adding to this is technology--especially the Internet--which has contributed to globalization and localization at the same time. Indeed, technology has shrunk time and space. For example, it is not uncommon for one to be closer to someone across the world with shared interests than their own next door neighbour.

In summary, I have established that humans are social, productive, and complex beings. As a result of the complexity and inherent contradictions in human nature (to have drives which under certain conditions lead to the opposition of the other) we've adopted a system (or had a system imposed on us depending on one's point of view) which has by and large reduced the individual to a mere cog-wheel turning in capitalist machinery. The upshot is that persons like the original poster experience a feeling of loneliness. Two points should be made. First, that this loneliness is nothing to be ashamed of. I know I am lonely sometimes (even though I'm somewhat of a loner, which for me has often amounted to abstaining from group participation). Still, I understand this as antithetical to the human drive toward sociability. Second, the structural factors that are built into the system are primarily responsible for this loneliness. As a result, it is important to be conscious of these factors and realize how the system alienates people and reduces people to human resources--mere units of production. What's needed isn't more capitalism, but stronger democratic institutions and more social capital which is the glue of civil society. More forums for participation, more mediums for expression, more corridors for people to participate in decisions that affect them, and so forth.

I do tend to agree that western society tends to exacerbate loneliness. Although as you point out we can 'connect' to people across the world instantaneously, our real-life connections, and ability to unite with others in real time, face to face, can become more limited - especially as more and more people buy into the system and continue to perpetuate it, and become more chronically busy, hopping around from one thing to the next, or merely replacing real-time connection with connections via technology (and other aspects of 'the system' that you mention). It's been set in motion.

I haven't read most of the responses, and I'm sure I'll just be repeating what others have already said, but loneliness is sadly just an aspect of being human. It comes and goes, it flares up now and then. Sometimes it's quite poignant and painful, and you really feel your utter aloneness (which can occur even when in the midst of many people -- so people around you isn't really the factor), other times you can take it more in stride and be more accepting of it. Most of these feelings flux throughout life - loneliness is a bad one. For myself, I've found over time that if I just roll with the emotions, rather than bat them away or judge them negatively, they ease up more quickly, of their own accord. To fight them can make them lodge deeper within.

(I've been technically single for...uh...my entire life? But the last time I was actually in a relationship was maybe 4 years ago. So it's been awhile. I guess I've simply gotten accustomed to the loneliness coming and going. It's just become kinda a 'given' - just an element of life.)

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

I can understand the feeling of wishing to find someone to share your heart with. However, if I remember correctly Disco, you are still fairly young - 23? You are very likely to find someone wonderful in the next few years and the important part is being ready when you do. What kind of a life could the two of you have together if you can hit the ground already running when you meet her?

You have already started to think about how you can show your more vulnerable side. This is your time to start practicing that in smaller ways with the people around you. Get all the training you can right now, so that when you do find her, you will have enough time for her and less stress about money. Become the kind of man that she doesn't want to do without - how are you at listening to other people? Helping people? Being patient? Have you spent any time around kids or older people? What is your connection with your family like? Have you found quality people to surround yourself with that are going to affect what kind of person you become? What practical skills do you have at fixing things, keeping up with paperwork, etc that make it easier to run a household? Do you have an orderly home? What are your biggest weaknesses and how are you addressing them?

Loneliness is a very common and valid feeling. It is amazing to feel understood by someone. It is what we do with those feeings of loneliness that determine what kind of a person we become - with or without somebody. As others have said, finding someone won't automatically erase those feelings and in some cases can even increase them. If you already know how to deal with those feelings proactively, your chances of success are much higher and the intervening time before you find that person is not wasted.

I'm great at listening to close friends and acquaintances (I Dr. Phil for my friends quite frequently.

I'm less talented at helping others unless the job is something that they physically can't perform. I have gotten much better as of late though.

Patience is probably where I nee the most work.

I like children, however I feel ill equiped with my super strong Te to deal with really young kids.

Very tight with the family.

I surround myself with pretty excellent people.

I'm ok at fixing things, great at paperwork, but a little behind the ball when it comes to keeping my place nice and neat. Its something that I have been working on.

My biggest weaknesses are my patience, my struggle to keep a more orderly home, and others that I don't have the mental clarity to write down at the moment. I've become fast friends with an old flame who has been instrumental in helping me to smooth my rough edges.

I've been going to a lot of friends weddings lately and I don't think wallowing in the delirious happiness of others has helped too much.

I've been trying to be more social and less "if you guys aren't doing what I want to do I don't want to hang out".

I'm actually going to a pirate party this evening that a buddy of mine from school is throwing

Thanks for all the excellent comments guys.

 

[The Decline]

I can't live without hugs

 

[Galusha]

I am required by law as a fellow ENTJ to tell you that you don't need anyone else and should just buck up because they're all incompetent anyway.

In reality, you should probably do nice things for people you don't know. A sincere "thank you" from a stranger does wonders for the rest of my day when I'm feeling lonely.

though it's great that you're feeling better. sometimes the reminders that there are people who care about you are a bit too far apart, and I'm glad you got past that empty patch okay

 

[kevrawlings]

Don't dwell on it. Get out and do something that you want to do.

YouTube - Dennis Miller's rant on single life

 

[sLiPpY]

I've been single for four years. Do I get lonely? Once in a while. I have great friends. So not really. I mean, I want a meaningful relationship but whenever I think about it...I don't want company for company's sake. I won't settle to not be lonely. In fact, that just makes me feel lonelier. So, yeah. All or nothing for me.

There's no worse moment in life; than one wasted in bad company.

It lingers like the stinch of a three day old poop stain.

 

[Amethyst]

Both are on sale.

 

[Lex Talionis]

I walk a solitary road, but I am not lonesome.

I would much rather spend time alone in my own head than to be in the company of those I consider foolish, boring, and irritating - which happens to be most people.

 

[eagleseven]

Fortunately, though single, I keep strong ties with my family and friends, so I don't feel lonely.

It is sad that Western culture de-emphasizes the family.

 

[Salt n' pepper]

I'm scared of loneliness, haven't been single for 7+ years. I love my alone-time, but it can't be fully enjoyed unless I've had my we-time. But I can probably get that from work and friends. Still, I might get a dog, or a parrot.

 

[Amethyst]

I'm scared of loneliness, haven't been single for 7+ years. I love my alone-time, but it can't be fully enjoyed unless I've had my we-time. But I can probably get that from work and friends. Still, I might get a dog, or a parrot.

Gray parrots are pretty awesome, I heard they're great company.

 

[Lady_X]

i think i just want a big dog.

wait...does that sound weird? sometimes i can't tell. :/

 

[Salt n' pepper]

My best strategy atm, to cope with future loneliness, is to not form habits with another person. That way, I won't lose any part of me if I lost him. Well, I would have lost some parts of course, but I won't be reminded of the fact that it used to be us and now it's just me, doing whatever, which could lead to me feeling like I didn't get the complete experience of something just because I'm single, and that would suck. So yeah.

I think dogs might be cuddlier, good source of oxytocin, and I want a pet I can teach things to and do things with. I like to see growth in my relationships! But I've never had a parrot, cause I'm scared of birds, but maybe if I feed it, it won't peck my face at night.

 

[Amethyst]

My best strategy atm, to cope with future loneliness, is to not form habits with another person. That way, I won't lose any part of me if I lost him. Well, I would have lost some parts of course, but I won't be reminded of the fact that it used to be us and now it's just me, doing whatever, which could lead to me feeling like I didn't get the complete experience of something just because I'm singe, and that would suck. So yeah.

I think dogs might be cuddlier, good source of oxytocin, and I want a pet I can teach things to and do things with. I like to see growth in my relationships! But I've never had a parrot, cause I'm scared of birds, but maybe if I feed it, it won't peck my face at night.

Meh, depends on the parrot, or the animal, even. My cat bites my ear and eats my hair when he's hungry, and I feed him 5 times a day

 

[Lady_X]

yeah it would suck to have your companion peck your face while you sleep.

and yeah...i had a weimaraner once and he was so big and cool and liked to sleep in my bed..i don't think i like sleeping by myself...ugh wtf is wrong with me. :/

 

[Salt n' pepper]

Cats, birds and fish are evil creatures from another planet disguised as cuddly, cool pets! Kind of like INTPs...

I would consider a turtle though. They are special. And I would forgive it for not being cuddly, if I can watch it eat mashed potatoes for a day. Also, when it would hit 200 years, we could have deep, meaningful monologues about life. And, I probably won't have to watch it die, as it would outlive me.

But that's kind of cute, what your cat does. I just want a pet who's more personable and who communicates in a languages I can try to interpret and pretend to understand.

 

[Amethyst]

Cats, birds and fish are evil creatures from another planet disguised as cuddly, cool pets! Kind of like INTPs...

I would consider a turtle though. They are special. And I would forgive it for not being cuddly, if I can watch it eat mashed potatoes for a day. Also, when it would hit 200 years, we could have deep, meaningful monologues about life. And, I probably won't have to watch it die, as it would outlive me.

But that's kind of cute, what your cat does. I just want a pet who's more personable and who communicates in a languages I can try to interpret and pretend to understand.

Haha my cat is pretty good at communicating, and he has a personality, not like one of those anti-social cats. He's actually a d-bag, he tries to eat my food when I'm eating it, likes to lay by my feet, meows a lot, he acts more like a dog actually. He's so cute

 

[fill]

I'm rarely lonely. I was dumped in my last relationship, which I'm now very, very glad happened as I realize how contempt I was to sit and do nothing for hours on end. Waste. Of. Fucking. Time. For this reason, relationships scare me– not their merits, but what they have the capability of doing to me.

I find Ben Franklin's escapades quite interesting as well because he thinks very similarly to how I do when it comes to being attracted to women. There are some girls I'd love to take out, but they're just not that smart, and we have no intellectual connection, so my interest level is very low, making matters even worse if they're mislead to think I'm interested, when it's simply my body craving... activity.

However, I might try this the next time I end up in a situation like the one above:
"Barney: So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted Mosby: Whoa, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"
[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Works-With-Carlos-Girl: What?!?"

 

[gromit]

yeah it would suck to have your companion peck your face while you sleep.

and yeah...i had a weimaraner once and he was so big and cool and liked to sleep in my bed..i don't think i like sleeping by myself...ugh wtf is wrong with me. :/

NOTHING.