[ENTP] ENTPs and debating with SOs

[Ivy]

I'm neither an ENTP nor am I in a relationship with one, but I'd enjoy my marriage a lot less without debate. I don't enjoy arguing about ourselves but I do enjoy arguing about some topic or another, and even if it gets a little heated. IME this kind of verbal sparring is a good way to remind each other that you're safe together, and you will always pull back before actual harm is done.

(On the back end, were I dating, it could also be a way to identify jackasses for dumping--those with whom I don't feel safe or assured that he'd pull back before he did harm go in the seconds pile.)

 

[CJ99]

I don't think i cold have an SO and not debate with them or atleast discuss cause if they refuse to get in to a debate then i get bored and just fuck off.

 

[Synarch]

I'm neither an ENTP nor am I in a relationship with one, but I'd enjoy my marriage a lot less without debate. I don't enjoy arguing about ourselves but I do enjoy arguing about some topic or another, and even if it gets a little heated. IME this kind of verbal sparring is a good way to remind each other that you're safe together, and you will always pull back before actual harm is done.

(On the back end, were I dating, it could also be a way to identify jackasses for dumping--those with whom I don't feel safe or assured that he'd pull back before he did harm go in the seconds pile.)

It is also a good way to build ardor.

 

[Ivy]

It is also a good way to build ardor.

Yes, I meant to mention that.

 

[Synarch]

Yes, I meant to mention that.

So, the real question here is why does comfortable conflict encourage desire?

 

[jenocyde]

dramatic tension.

 

[Ivy]

Maybe because a lot of the physiological responses that come up during a conflict are similar to the ones that come up during arousal. Or maybe because it's called intercourse and that's a naughty word.

 

[Synarch]

dramatic tension.

Develop that further please.

 

[jenocyde]

Develop that further please.

Maybe because a lot of the physiological responses that come up during a conflict are similar to the ones that come up during arousal.

^^I think this has a lot to do with it. When you have an SO, you know that you have guaranteed sex.

Challenges make the prize that much sweeter and much less routine. It keeps you on top of your game.

 

[Synarch]

Maybe because a lot of the physiological responses that come up during a conflict are similar to the ones that come up during arousal. Or maybe because it's called intercourse and that's a naughty word.

Ah, interesting. Well, when we are stirred to anger, we are indeed aroused in some fashion. Anger is the emotion closest to sexual arousal in similarity, perhaps. What other emotions are so invigorating and bodily?

 

[marmandahalf]

Emotion= psychological arousal + attribution.

It's like the study where they had men walk across bridges, then talk to a female "researcher." The majority of the men who walked across a scary, rickety bridge took her number, while few of the men who walked across a solid bridge did.

So the arousal of conflict can easily be attributed to the person with whom you're arguing, since you already presumably are crazy about them.

 

[CzeCze]

Hmm...I'm not sure if you consider ENFPs a type that "ENTPs tend to get along with" or similar enough with ENTP to answer the OP directly. I am not necessarily conflict-avoidant and I actually love to debate.

However, I don't feel one-upmanship has a place in a healthy, stable, long lasting romantic relationship. Unless your ideal is Vinny + Mona Lisa (yes, that was Marisa Tomei's name in the movie) from "My Cousin Vinny" where they were on the same page, arguing was almost an aphrodisiac, and they 'got' the loving connection underneath and intertwined with their arguing.

Some people look at debate as non-personal and a healthy and fun intellectual excercise. Others will take it personally. Period.

Doesn't work out.

Also, total personal observation here, I think a lot of men can't handle the idea of their female partner being smarter or even as smart as them. So "debate" is only fun as long as they are on top. I know this isn't the scenario you were asking about, but it's one I see a lot. Personally, if I get any hint of someone I am in an interpersonal relationship with (friendship, whatevs) trying to one-up me in debate I step up my game. And especially if a dude IRL starts trying to prove me wrong and start arguing with me I get into "oh hell no" mode and it's on. LOL. And, no it is not flirtatious or sexually tension tinged, at least on my end. Just this one ENXP female's POV, men who purposely try to goad me into debate by getting a rise out of me irritate the besheesus out of me and there is no way I would want to date someone like that - I'm not kidding, you get moved to my s-list.

Overall, I'm a pretty "conversationally extraverted" person (just ask people from previous meet-ups! lol) and I don't like people tring to prove me wrong (when I'm right!). If I don't engage with you in a debate that you are trying to start, it's probably because I don't care enough about the topic or feel safe doing so (inappopriate venue, etc.). If you try a couple times to engage me in debate and I can't muster it up to reciprocate, something's wrong.

So in summation - debating can be fun with friends, acquaintances, strangers, but not something I'd want to venture down with a potential SO.

Some people, you reallllllly don't want to try to create that kinda dynamic with, because it will just be bad for both of you, but mostly you if you actually want to be with them.

 

[Cady]

Ah, interesting. Well, when we are stirred to anger, we are indeed aroused in some fashion. Anger is the emotion closest to sexual arousal in similarity, perhaps. What other emotions are so invigorating and bodily?

Ambition? It's similar to desire, at the very least a yearning for something.

 

[marmandahalf]

Hmm...I'm not sure if you consider ENFPs a type that "ENTPs tend to get along with" or similar enough with ENTP to answer the OP directly. I am not necessarily conflict-avoidant and I actually love to debate.

ENFPs are on my strictly friendship-only list. Y'all are fun to debate on a certain level, but you get personally attached to your arguments, and are hurt when I rip them to shreds. I find.

 

[ergophobe]

I can't imagine being in a relationship where discussions didn't happen and even debates quite a bit of the time. My family dynamic involves argument as a way of showing affection (I respect you enough to be real with you and tell you what I think) so we all argue but we all enjoy it and see the value in it. This is one of the reasons I've been having a hard time resolving the T/F debate. I don't avoid conflict. I see it as a necessary tool for building lasting relationships.

My brother and I argue all the time (on abstract ideas, how things work mostly) and my INFP sister-in-law gets upset sometimes by what she perceives as conflict without reason but I can't imagine not doing that. I want to know what he thinks about things and learn from him as he does from me.

Part of picking an SO would be choosing someone I admire. I can't admire someone who won't hold their own with me. Holding their own would require frequent bouts to demonstrate just this, followed, as Q said by much flirtation and other *ahem* demonstrations of affection. It's only right.

If the goal is to learn, I would apply the same rules regardless of the opponent --
listen carefully, let the other person express their view, concede a point when they have one, don't make it personal and if they think it's personal, stop.

 

[CzeCze]

ENFPs are on my strictly friendship-only list. Y'all are fun to debate on a certain level, but you get personally attached to your arguments, and are hurt when I rip them to shreds. I find.

See??? See what I mean???

Annnnd,

NO.

:harumph:

 

[jenocyde]

ENFPs are on my strictly friendship-only list.

+1

 

[Moiety]

ENTPs have friends?

 

[jenocyde]

ENTPs have friends?

obviously not, since we rip their tender ENFP hearts to shreds.

 

[ergophobe]

ENFPs are on my strictly friendship-only list. Y'all are fun to debate on a certain level, but you get personally attached to your arguments, and are hurt when I rip them to shreds. I find.

Quite often, I find ENTPs think they have ripped an argument to shreds when in reality they are just putting their argument across louder than their opponent.
Often, it's when we're still in the middle of the debate.

Just like winning a debate does not make you right, it just makes you a good debater, saying you've ripped an argument apart doesn't necessarily mean you did.

Also, ENTPs don't shy away from using tactics that may be perceived as a personal attack by NFs, hence the misconception on both sides?

I think I may have digressed too much when the question really was about being able to debate with an SO. Perhaps we would make good SOs. Let's kiss and make up. Maybe just kiss?