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[INTP] How to seduce an INTP...

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
1,210
MBTI Type
ENFP
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7w6
*sigh*

Yup. Crash and burn...

Turns out she started sleeping with an ex b/c she "thought I wasn't interested." Pretty much killed it for me.

I did not do anything with anyone I dated and I had made that CLEAR to her the entire time so to me that's a weak excuse as to why she started sleeping with the ex.

She says she's not into the ex, she's into ME, but come on if she really liked me she wouldn't be sleeping with the ex.

Game over for Seeker.:sorry:

I am sorry - I'm sure it's hard to hear that.

Why dismiss someone you really like so quickly though? You weren't seeing each other at the time so I don't think it's fair to judge her for her decision. People do all sorts of things to make themselves feel better. If she says she's into you, isn't that what's important? I would accept that and explore it.

Sorry - it hurts regardless.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
Ummm... Yeah... Ouch... Ugh... It stings to say the least. Big time. BIG TIME.

We have an amazing connection... Makes me sad to let it go.

She keeps telling me I'M (emphasis hers) the one she's into but now I just don't buy it.

If I was into someone I would NOT be having sex with others.

She keeps saying our chemistry is overwhelming to her (not in a bad way she says) but that she's not used to feeling so strongly for someone, and it scares her. Almost like she can't handle it, but yet craves it at the same time.

Where is the congruence? If you're so strongly into someone why go sleep with someone else????

Argh... I told her I just can't do it anymore. Yeah I'm torn up.

And good point about people doing all sorts of things to make themselves feel better... I don't know if her decision was an anesthetic or if she just can't handle our connection because it overwhelms her. The ex, by the way, is a mute who hardly speaks and worships her. It's "easy" if you know what I mean. She says he does not even come CLOSE to intellectually stimulating/satisfying her and that their connection is VERY different emotionally as well. I think she is out of her comfort zone with me because what we have/had is so intense.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

failure to thrive
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,585
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INfj
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451
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sx/so
Ummm... Yeah... Ouch... Ugh... It stings to say the least. Big time. BIG TIME.

We have an amazing connection... Makes me sad to let it go.

She keeps telling me I'M (emphasis hers) the one she's into but now I just don't buy it.

If I was into someone I would NOT be having sex with others.

She keeps saying our chemistry is overwhelming to her (not in a bad way she says) but that she's not used to feeling so strongly for someone, and it scares her. Almost like she can't handle it, but yet craves it at the same time.

Where is the congruence? If you're so strongly into someone why go sleep with someone else????

Argh... I told her I just can't do it anymore. Yeah I'm torn up.

Thanks guys I really do appreciate it. Truly. Your support means a lot to me. Thanks again.

uggh. i'm sorry. i know how it feels. no matter how much you roll it around in your head, it just doesn't make sense. plus you have it really hard cuz she's saying one thing and doing another. :hug:
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
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sx/sp
Yeah. I don't understand your reaction. This was an open relationship, you weren't even dating as such. You both agreed to see other people. It's not a huge stretch to imagine that one of you might sleep with someone else. I can totally understand why she might have done it. Almost to reassure herself that she could. Perhaps you've just lost interest now that the chase is over.
 

Shimmy

New member
Joined
Jun 9, 2009
Messages
1,867
MBTI Type
SEXY
I'm very sorry to hear that seeker. Just remember everything can break. However I'm feeling particularly happy tonight. This thread seems like a good place to tell why.

I just had the most wonderful evening. I've been down town for 14 hours straight now, it's late in the morning and I didn't get a second of sleep last night.. First off I went to an office party, which was decent, but a bit quiet. Then later I went to a Drum & Bass party with two friend, and two friends of one of my friends. I was really liking this party. I started conversations with sooo much people, I even started talking to two girls who I thought might be nice to pick up. With mediocre success. Communication with them went good, but not as smooth and natural for me to actually be able to successfully hit on them. Then when I went to get a beer there was this girl commenting me on my shirt. I took an interest and talked back to her. Talking was easy and we had so much in common. She's totally into goa parties and asked MY phone number so she could take me to such a party sometime. Later, when the Drum & Bass party was almost over we went to a underground club down town where I learned a lot about her, including that a friend of hers, who went with us to the D&B party is a total INTP. She was amazed I could so accurately describe him when we were only introduced just hours earlier and I only talked to him for a minute. :D. Even later we tried to go to a goa party that was supposed to be going on, but it was already finished, so instead we went chatting and pooling in a 24/7 bar in the city. I later put her on the train home and went homewards myself as well.

There's two things I'm particularly proud of about myself. First, I never made such a long lasting communication streak after first meeting someone. One of us would always find new conversation topics to keep going on.

The second thing is a bit more manipulative, and I'm a slight bit embarrassed by it as well. I asked her when her birthday was and she said it was December. I then preceded to tell her that I already thought she was a winter girl, and that she gave this vibe *insert random story here*. It was a bit of a cold reading thing I didn't really expect anything of, but later she admitted to be quite impressed by me knowing she was born in the winter.

Also I got extra points for guessing her weight exactly right. I'm not going to tell it here, but let me say she's rather skinny.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

failure to thrive
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,585
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INfj
Enneagram
451
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm very sorry to hear that seeker. Just remember everything can break. However I'm feeling particularly happy tonight. This thread seems like a good place to tell why.

I just had the most wonderful evening. I've been down town for 14 hours straight now, it's late in the morning and I didn't get a second of sleep last night.. First off I went to an office party, which was decent, but a bit quiet. Then later I went to a Drum & Bass party with two friend, and two friends of one of my friends. I was really liking this party. I started conversations with sooo much people, I even started talking to two girls who I thought might be nice to pick up. With mediocre success. Communication with them went good, but not as smooth and natural for me to actually be able to successfully hit on them. Then when I went to get a beer there was this girl commenting me on my shirt. I took an interest and talked back to her. Talking was easy and we had so much in common. She's totally into goa parties and asked MY phone number so she could take me to such a party sometime. Later, when the Drum & Bass party was almost over we went to a underground club down town where I learned a lot about her, including that a friend of hers, who went with us to the D&B party is a total INTP. She was amazed I could so accurately describe him when we were only introduced just hours earlier and I only talked to him for a minute. :D. Even later we tried to go to a goa party that was supposed to be going on, but it was already finished, so instead we went chatting and pooling in a 24/7 bar in the city. I later put her on the train home and went homewards myself as well.

There's two things I'm particularly proud of about myself. First, I never made such a long lasting communication streak after first meeting someone. One of us would always find new conversation topics to keep going on.

The second thing is a bit more manipulative, and I'm a slight bit embarrassed by it as well. I asked her when her birthday was and she said it was December. I then preceded to tell her that I already thought she was a winter girl, and that she gave this vibe *insert random story here*. It was a bit of a cold reading thing I didn't really expect anything of, but later she admitted to be quite impressed by me knowing she was born in the winter.

Also I got extra points for guessing her weight exactly right. I'm not going to tell it here, but let me say she's rather skinny.

europeans make americans look sooo boring. you guys never let sleep interfere with a good time.

i'm assuming you're european. it seems like all other countries (besides canada) make americans look boring.

what's a goa? Winter Girl? and she fell for that? haha. sounds like a good gullible mix for an intp..........seeing her again?
 

Verfremdungseffekt

videodrones; questions
Joined
Apr 23, 2009
Messages
866
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INTp
Enneagram
5w4
I'm sorry, Seeker, but you're being a bit of a doofus here.

It's pretty obvious the only reason she slept with that guy was because she was frustrated and distraught with your dating other girls, and telling her all about it. It was an attempt on her part to deal with the situation. Clearly she couldn't have you, so she did what she could to cope, make herself feel like less of a reject, and maybe get you out of her system. (Also see the thread where someone was asking why her INTP husband "cut her off" sexually, after she told him she couldn't respond to all his advances. Similar mental process.)

That said, this whirlwind of miscommunication doesn't bode well. So maybe it's for the best.
 

Shimmy

New member
Joined
Jun 9, 2009
Messages
1,867
MBTI Type
SEXY
europeans make americans look sooo boring. you guys never let sleep interfere with a good time.

i'm assuming you're european. it seems like all other countries (besides canada) make americans look boring.

what's a goa? Winter Girl? and she fell for that? haha. sounds like a good gullible mix for an intp..........seeing her again?

I don't think Americans are that bad. A wee bit conservative sometimes, but it all depends on the individual.

Goa Trance

And well. I've got her phone number, just texted her, I hope I'll be seeing her again. It's weird how, despite us being completely different people, a lot of details about us are the same. She likes the rolling stones, just like me, used to swim a lot, just like me, likes psychedelic trance music, just like me, even down to breakfast preference, muesli with yoghurt.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
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ENTP
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7w8
She keeps saying our chemistry is overwhelming to her (not in a bad way she says) but that she's not used to feeling so strongly for someone, and it scares her. Almost like she can't handle it, but yet craves it at the same time.

Where is the congruence? If you're so strongly into someone why go sleep with someone else????

Argh... I told her I just can't do it anymore. Yeah I'm torn up.

Thanks guys I really do appreciate it. Truly. Your support means a lot to me. Thanks again.

And good point about people doing all sorts of things to make themselves feel better... I don't know if her decision was an anesthetic or if she just can't handle our connection because it overwhelms her. The ex, by the way, is a mute who hardly speaks and worships her. It's "easy" if you know what I mean. I think she is out of her comfort zone with me because what we have/had is so intense.

I know it sucks, but I've done stupid crap like this before.
Did this all happen before or after you had that big conversation?

Yeah. I don't understand your reaction. This was an open relationship, you weren't even dating as such. You both agreed to see other people. It's not a huge stretch to imagine that one of you might sleep with someone else. I can totally understand why she might have done it. Almost to reassure herself that she could. Perhaps you've just lost interest now that the chase is over.

Yeah, I'm sure she felt a stabbing pain every time he came home from another date and proceeded to tell her about it.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
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I'm sorry, Seeker, but you're being a bit of a doofus here.

It's pretty obvious the only reason she slept with that guy was because she was frustrated and distraught with your dating other girls, and telling her all about it. It was an attempt on her part to deal with the situation. Clearly she couldn't have you, so she did what she could to cope, make herself feel like less of a reject, and maybe get you out of her system. (Also see the thread where someone was asking why her INTP husband "cut her off" sexually, after she told him she couldn't respond to all his advances. Similar mental process.)

That said, this whirlwind of miscommunication doesn't bode well. So maybe it's for the best.

This.

europeans make americans look sooo boring. you guys never let sleep interfere with a good time.

i'm assuming you're european. it seems like all other countries (besides canada) make americans look boring.

What?!!?! speak for yourself, sis...!
 

Spartacuss

wholly charmed
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
677
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She keeps telling me I'M (emphasis hers) the one she's into but now I just don't buy it.

If I was into someone I would NOT be having sex with others.

She keeps saying our chemistry is overwhelming to her (not in a bad way she says) but that she's not used to feeling so strongly for someone, and it scares her. Almost like she can't handle it, but yet craves it at the same time.

Where is the congruence? If you're so strongly into someone why go sleep with someone else????

Easy. "love" is not the right word here, but something akin to it. She sees them ("love" and sex) as two separate things. You mix them together.

Yeah. I don't understand your reaction. This was an open relationship, you weren't even dating as such. You both agreed to see other people. It's not a huge stretch to imagine that one of you might sleep with someone else. I can totally understand why she might have done it. Almost to reassure herself that she could. Perhaps you've just lost interest now that the chase is over.
QFT. Maybe she was right and you weren't that into her, seeker. She was a curiosity you wanted to test out.
 

ring the bell

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2008
Messages
332
.

Where is the congruence? If you're so strongly into someone why go sleep with someone else????

People do strange things when they are in the throws of getting over someone who doesn't want them back.. Rebound sex is what it is. Been there, done that.. It can be a big "fuck you" in your head towards the person, because obviously you are still desireable to someone.

I'm assuming she slept with the ex after you started dating other girls. Obviously, you going out with other girls was a bigger deal to her than you really understand. Sure, you didn't know. And it sucks that this is where it is, but not everyone is meant to be... Also, if you are done with it, really be done with it... Going back and forth can be a bit mentally cruel for her at this point.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

failure to thrive
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Messages
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451
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sx/so
What?!!?! speak for yourself, sis...!

well, i need to go where you are then! cuz all i see are people that have to get home and get to bed by midnight, no matter what kinda good time we may be having! is that not how it is in your neck o' the woods?

actually, i wish i had known you when i went to manhattan cuz even though it was a weekend, we couldn't find hardly any good dance clubs/bars open that seemed fun. we asked around and people mumbled things about new jersey.......then i was hungry and it was, like, 10 pm, and we couldn't even ON BROADWAY and surrounding areas, find anyone's kitchen open. we ended up eating at the applebees on time's square. and that is the last place i wanted to eat. (maybe it was sunday by then, i dunno). i just remember thinking to myself that i thought new york never slept, but it wasn't my experience, unfortunately.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
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Also, if you are done with it, really be done with it... Going back and forth can be a bit mentally cruel for her at this point.

Why do I get the feeling he'd do this just for that reason...

Eh, don't mind me; apparently I'm in pessimist mode at the moment. :doh:
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
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well, i need to go where you are then! cuz all i see are people that have to get home and get to bed by midnight, no matter what kinda good time we may be having! is that not how it is in your neck o' the woods?

actually, i wish i had known you when i went to manhattan cuz even though it was a weekend, we couldn't find hardly any good dance clubs/bars open that seemed fun. we asked around and people mumbled things about new jersey.......then i was hungry and it was, like, 10 pm, and we couldn't even ON BROADWAY and surrounding areas, find anyone's kitchen open. we ended up eating at the applebees on time's square. and that is the last place i wanted to eat. (maybe it was sunday by then, i dunno). i just remember thinking to myself that i thought new york never slept, but it wasn't my experience, unfortunately.

:rofl1: That made me laugh... sorry for your experience but to think Broadway/Midtown would be teeming with nightlife is beyond adorable. I'm glad most out of towners think this way. Either way, let me know if you plan on visiting again...
 

Shimmy

New member
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Jun 9, 2009
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Now now, don't be so harsh on seeker. If they truly have feelings for each other they should be able to work things out somehow if they really want to. Giving up is an advice that no one should ever take.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
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XNTJ
Why do I get the feeling he'd do this just for that reason...

Oh my goodness why on EARTH would I purposely go back and forth to be mentally cruel to her on purpose?! No way.

I think Ruffled is correct - I guess me dating other girls was a bigger deal to her than I realized. The sad fact is I didn't want to date other girls and told her that. She said "no - you need to go date other people, and I would like to date other people too, etc" and was very insistent on it. She didn't say it one time casually. It was all the time.

So... I finally thought wow she really wants me to do this. I started dating them and never did one thing with any of them other than talk. She knew this. Then she would pressure me to "hook up with them" and say things like "she's hot you need to hit it" and "I really hope you're not holding back on these girls because of me you really should hook up with them." Literally pressuring me all of the time about it.

And yes she went back to the ex (sexually) before our big talk the other day, and only just now told me about it. She keeps telling me they are not together.

And yes I think it's a good point between sex and love. She can have sex without love being involved I guess. I can't.

At any rate our communication impairment is what has lead to this. I was up front and honest from the get go. I told her I liked her and wanted to date her and her alone. That's when she started in on that whole "no go date others and don't hold back" thing. I wish she could have just been direct with me, instead of setting up these little testing games... I didn't even know I was being tested. I thought she WAS being direct in what she was saying - turns out she wasn't.

I don't WANT to lose her but I'm just tired of being given the run around. The other girls I date are consistent and linear in their behavior. INTP girl isn't.

I just don't think she likes me or she wouldn't be playing what feels like these games.

And to answer another poster - no I am not in it for the chase. I TRULY LIKE HER.
 

Fluffywolf

Nips away your dignity
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Mar 31, 2009
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sp/sx
For some people it's not as simple as liking/not liking.

I think I speak for most INTP's when I say that it usually takes time for us to get a solid sense of direction in any relationship, before we are willing to commit fully to it.
 

runvardh

にゃん
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Oh my goodness why on EARTH would I purposely go back and forth to be mentally cruel to her on purpose?!

Because I'm feeling a little dickish and I needed to get my shiv in somewhere.
 
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