[NT] NTs and love

[Ulaes]

It looks like that this doesn't work for ENTJ.
But it would be interesting to hear opinions of introverts on this..

what you said in your op is very true for me

 

[Venom]

It looks like that this doesn't work for ENTJ.
But it would be interesting to hear opinions of introverts on this..

Nah, I can let someone in completely. Just done it once, and when it ended I was crushed for a couple of years. It helped me develop, though. Would do it again.

i think the inferior Fi nature of the ENTJ probably screws up the "NT's cant feel". i think even "personality pages" mentions the ENTJ sentimental streak....

 

[entropie]

And thats a good thing, this way I get a raise

 

[Mondo]

I'm actually afraid that I might come across as too strong and too romantic for someone I really care about.
I would just be so excited to be around that person,
I think I am in love now and it is an exciting feeling.

 

[FDG]

Nah, no problem with that. If I feel distant, that's because I am not really in love.

 

[ZiL]

Yes, yes. I understand you. I am also not cold, I feel very close to many people. But my level of closeness is not what others describe theirs to be. I always think they are making it up, to be honest.

Whew, this makes me feel better.

I'm in my first real relationship right now and it is definitely making me rethink some propositions about myself. I'm noticing that I have some sort of emotional delay - I guess I can't express myself until I feel secure. I was highly attracted to this guy a few weeks ago when we were in the midst of the chasing game, but as soon as things became official, the intensity of my feelings have dropped. This is really bothering me because this guy is an amazing person with whom I really feel there's a lot of potential. I think this change in my feelings is connected to a larger tendency of mine - a fear of letting someone in too close, a fear of a commitment from which I can't easily get away if I so choose. I'm the same way with part-time jobs...I chase after it, achieve it, and then get skittish. But I need to try to break this pattern now and see what I can learn. Any of you relate?

 

[Zoom]

Whew, this makes me feel better.

I'm in my first real relationship right now and it is definitely making me rethink some propositions about myself. I'm noticing that I have some sort of emotional delay - I guess I can't express myself until I feel secure. I was highly attracted to this guy a few weeks ago when we were in the midst of the chasing game, but as soon as things became official, the intensity of my feelings have dropped. This is really bothering me because this guy is an amazing person with whom I really feel there's a lot of potential. I think this change in my feelings is connected to a larger tendency of mine - a fear of letting someone in too close, a fear of a commitment from which I can't easily get away if I so choose. I'm the same way with part-time jobs...I chase after it, achieve it, and then get skittish. But I need to try to break this pattern now and see what I can learn. Any of you relate?

Yes, quite a bit. I am with someone now and because of certain things (specific negative traits they are now showing, among other things), feelings of doubt have arisen, and I have withdrawn a bit to figure out whether or not I want this or if I am simply afraid of something that is unfamiliar and coming very close to my self.

Also, oftentimes when something emotional comes up I need what seems to be too much time to... react in a genuine way. In the moment I don't know what I 'feel', and others seem to expect an ability to react and give answers on the spot, which I don't tend to be capable of... (This paragraph may not apply to ye, obviously.)

Also, in regards to being skittish: ...si. Once the initial pouncing stage is over and negative things occur and work is really required, looking at other options seems natural, especially with the "just in case" mindset. I always want to be able to leave if necessary - cleanly, safely and with minimal damage - and have something to fall back on. It reminds of when I look for jobs when I already have one.

However, I am currently pushing past the initial stage of a relationship with someone, and don't know what is to come. It is a lot harder, feels frustrating at times (reconciling my expectations with the actual reality), and I sincerely hope it is worth it. The point, though, is that I need to do it to see what is truly possible. I refuse to have 'what ifs' floating around in my past.

Also: needing to feel secure before you express yourself emotionally is perfectly natural in terms of wanting to avoid being hurt and wanting to be sure, but I do hope you don't let it cripple your ability to be with someone. Open communication is one of those obstacles that looks so frightening in your mind, when you think about it and build up the anticipatory fear, until you do it and realise how freeing it can be.

 

[INA]

Whew, this makes me feel better.

I'm in my first real relationship right now and it is definitely making me rethink some propositions about myself. I'm noticing that I have some sort of emotional delay - I guess I can't express myself until I feel secure. I was highly attracted to this guy a few weeks ago when we were in the midst of the chasing game, but as soon as things became official, the intensity of my feelings have dropped. This is really bothering me because this guy is an amazing person with whom I really feel there's a lot of potential. I think this change in my feelings is connected to a larger tendency of mine - a fear of letting someone in too close, a fear of a commitment from which I can't easily get away if I so choose. I'm the same way with part-time jobs...I chase after it, achieve it, and then get skittish. But I need to try to break this pattern now and see what I can learn. Any of you relate?

Yes, quite a bit. I am with someone now and because of certain things (specific negative traits they are now showing, among other things), feelings of doubt have arisen, and I have withdrawn a bit to figure out whether or not I want this or if I am simply afraid of something that is unfamiliar and coming very close to my self.

Also, oftentimes when something emotional comes up I need what seems to be too much time to... react in a genuine way. In the moment I don't know what I 'feel', and others seem to expect an ability to react and give answers on the spot, which I don't tend to be capable of... (This paragraph may not apply to ye, obviously.)

Also, in regards to being skittish: ...si. Once the initial pouncing stage is over and negative things occur and work is really required, looking at other options seems natural, especially with the "just in case" mindset. I always want to be able to leave if necessary - cleanly, safely and with minimal damage - and have something to fall back on. It reminds of when I look for jobs when I already have one.

However, I am currently pushing past the initial stage of a relationship with someone, and don't know what is to come. It is a lot harder, feels frustrating at times (reconciling my expectations with the actual reality), and I sincerely hope it is worth it. The point, though, is that I need to do it to see what is truly possible. I refuse to have 'what ifs' floating around in my past.

I can relate to both of these. The variation is I'm not usually that worried about myself (I'll recover, I figure), but more about avoiding hurting somebody by being too fickle. I prefer to avoid jerks for anything beyond just friends, but I don't want to over-promise and then be the very type of jerk I hate by bailing later on because it's not what I want. It's the "minimal damage" part that you mention that's the sticking point. I am aware other people do it, but I like to think better of myself.

--
responsibility-phobia, is one way of looking at it.

 

[Zoom]

I'd actually almost classify it as responsibility-philia, as when you take into account someone else's well being as much as your own that is quite a bit of responsibility ye're taking on there. If I think on it for a long time and conclude that I am fairly sure that a relationship is not working and is bringing on pain or chronic low-level frustration with no end in sight for both/either of us, I take whatever steps I can to fix it and if that is impossible I cut off all ties.

I can relate to both of these. The variation is I'm not usually that worried about myself (I'll recover, I figure), but more about avoiding hurting somebody by being too fickle.

Just wish to clarify that this is the reason I do it - because I want to be sure, and good to the other person. I refuse to hurt if at all possible to avoid in a healthy manner, and am more careful with others than I am myself. (Especially since I know I can move on and know how to heal {time is the only way, for me}.)

*Minimal damage to the other person.

I know that I may be hurt and that lancing a wound (i.e., leaving) is sometimes the only way to be well.

 

[INA]

I'd actually almost classify it as responsibility-philia, as when you take into account someone else's well being as much as your own that is quite a bit of responsibility ye're taking on there. If I think on it for a long time and conclude that I am fairly sure that a relationship is not working and is bringing on pain or chronic low-level frustration with no end in sight for both/either of us, I take whatever steps I can to fix it and if that is impossible I cut off all ties.

Ah. That's another way to look at it. I don't want the responsibility unless I'm pretty sure, though I suppose the thing to do, when I'm phobic, is to ask is why the phobia. If I'm reasonably sure, then responsibility is fine.

Just wish to clarify that this is the reason I do it - because I want to be sure, and good to the other person. I refuse to hurt if at all possible to avoid in a healthy manner, and am more careful with others than I am myself. (Especially since I know I can move on and know how to heal {time is the only way, for me}.)

*Minimal damage to the other person.

 

[redacted]

I agree.

Perception is going to play a key role in how someone interprets their individual experience. NTs like to say mind-mate. NFs, soul-mate. People may call it whatever they like. The feeling being described, is most likely the same.

Yes, the feeling is most likely the same.

I want a mind mate and a soul mate in one. Although, I guess soul mate kind of implies mind mate...

I couldn't imagine NTs being any different. Just mind is unfulfilling. Just emotions is boring. Gotta be both or it's a huge waste of time/emotional resources.

So, I wonder if NTs and NFs can connect on a basic level then? I know that supposedly they tend to attract each other, but I'd think that NTs would want their partner to be mentally connected to them and NFs would want their partner to experience them on a more emotional level. As an NF, I know that the latter is true of me.

Of course they can connect. Especially if they're both N doms. This talk of "NTs like people of like minds and don't care much about an emotional connection" is ridiculous. Some might think that's how they are, but they're wrong.

Even the T dominants I know have very strong feelings, and sometimes are much more needy than the F partners I see them with. Not being consciously aware of their emotions as often really has nothing to do with their needs/desires.

(Didn't mean that to be an attack; it was just a jumping point to go on a little tirade )

 

[jenocyde]

Even the T dominants I know have very strong feelings, and sometimes are much more needy than the F partners I see them with. Not being consciously aware of their emotions as often really has nothing to do with their needs/desires.

(Didn't mean that to be an attack; it was just a jumping point to go on a little tirade )

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. I am almost all T. I have feelings, but I don't realize it until much later. Or I realize it, but I can't identify what the feelings are, or something. It usually takes me a while (like, no joke, 3 months) to genuinely feel an emotion. Even sadness. I just go about my business, then 3 months later, it always hits me. Usually, when it's too late to do anything about it.

With all my N, I still can't connect the dots...

 

[Ardea]

I just go about my business, then 3 months later, it always hits me. Usually, when it's too late to do anything about it.

With all my N, I still can't connect the dots...

It's funny because (sh)it happens. XD

 

[Valhallahereicome]

Yes, the feeling is most likely the same.

I want a mind mate and a soul mate in one. Although, I guess soul mate kind of implies mind mate...

I couldn't imagine NTs being any different. Just mind is unfulfilling. Just emotions is boring. Gotta be both or it's a huge waste of time/emotional resources.



Of course they can connect. Especially if they're both N doms. This talk of "NTs like people of like minds and don't care much about an emotional connection" is ridiculous. Some might think that's how they are, but they're wrong.

Even the T dominants I know have very strong feelings, and sometimes are much more needy than the F partners I see them with. Not being consciously aware of their emotions as often really has nothing to do with their needs/desires.

(Didn't mean that to be an attack; it was just a jumping point to go on a little tirade )

No worries! Yes, both the mental and the emotional connection are necessary. As an NF, I fell once for a guy with whom the emotional connection was incredibly strong; the mental component wasn't as deep as it needed to be, though. But I didn't see that until later and while it would have affected things eventually, the feelings just overwhelmed me at the time. I wonder if the opposite is true for NTs - that they can get into a relationship based on a great mental connection and then later realize that the feelings aren't present? Just a thought.

 

[antigone girl]

As an ENTP, I find it hard to find mental AND emotional connection with most people I meet. I am very picky but when I decide that I love someone, I am three times my size ; )

 

[Chaolioe]

I have created this thread since I am intereested in how other NTs do this.
The thing is that I never had romantic feeling toward someone.
What is somewhat unusuall for mid 20s.

Wrong. Love can take years and years to develop or be found. Don't rush it. It will come.

 

[StoryToTell]

Whew, this makes me feel better.

I'm in my first real relationship right now and it is definitely making me rethink some propositions about myself. I'm noticing that I have some sort of emotional delay - I guess I can't express myself until I feel secure. I was highly attracted to this guy a few weeks ago when we were in the midst of the chasing game, but as soon as things became official, the intensity of my feelings have dropped. This is really bothering me because this guy is an amazing person with whom I really feel there's a lot of potential. I think this change in my feelings is connected to a larger tendency of mine - a fear of letting someone in too close, a fear of a commitment from which I can't easily get away if I so choose. I'm the same way with part-time jobs...I chase after it, achieve it, and then get skittish. But I need to try to break this pattern now and see what I can learn. Any of you relate?

YES. I'm also in my first relationship right now. He was all I could think about for a couple months. Now it's official and finally my mind is at free range again. I've always pushed away others because I'd panic at the thought of getting close to them. This guy was one of my best friends for 8 months when out of NOWHERE I suddenly had feelings for him.
But yeah, I definitely want to learn from this relationship and see where it goes and not follow my usual patterns.

 

[StrawMan]

No worries! Yes, both the mental and the emotional connection are necessary. ...

I wonder if the opposite is true for NTs - that they can get into a relationship based on a great mental connection and then later realize that the feelings aren't present? Just a thought.

For me, some sort of mental connection is practically always necessary for emotional connection to develop. It is another issue then what various people mean by mental connection. I think of it as being some kind of mindmates.

 

[Cerridwen]

Never been in love... but I'm extremely attracted to intelligence, especially if it's in something I'm interested in.

Iunno about the love thing, though. I suspect it would just happen and I'll be randomly blindsided by it and go "Oh... crap... when did this happen?"

Go go wonderful naivety!

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

This isn't me at all. It might have something to do with the fact that I don't date people I'm not *very* interested in (I am talking about casual dating) so it's possible I've just avoided ever being with someone who doesn't do it for me in a big enough way.

That said, once I am sure about someone, I throw myself 100% body and soul into a relationship. Emotional intensity is not something I have difficulty reaching highs of. Just ask my poor beleaguered INFP.

What she said.


I have a hard time committing, yes, completely.

But When I do find the person I can see myself with 20 years from now. I am fully committed. Exactly what KANGIRL described.