My father's an ESTJ. First off, without focusing on functions, let's keep-it-simple-stupid method means, we had 2 letters in common. E & T. Didn't help.
I always focused on his 'negatives' - and these were what I thought about him: imaginationless-logic, cannot bow down to another if they justify their position (esp. one in an 'inferior' position such as their child), always finding 'fault', linear, rigid/stubborn, detail-oriented, too organized (and projecting that on others), abrasive/aggressive as his modus operandi, fatalistic/cynical ..etc..etc.
A lot of it had to do with my protective side coming out in regards to my mother (INFP). Where she couldn't challenge him with logic (and he countered by pointing out her irrationality), I would see it as my personal challenge to point out *his* flawed logic (I'm also a T - a pretty high scoring one). And, him going for her F also pissed me off, playing to her feelings. And there was tension. His SJ with my NP. The biggest issue was, unlike my mom, he couldn't play to my F, and, we would end up having all-out screw-feelings fight. Ugly, ugly, ugly. With my mom the only one in tears, begging us to stop.
And, then, I grew up, and found that it was equally as irrational to challenge him at every turn, just to show him how it felt to be on the receiving end. To DEMAND to be heard. Because...
I myself have never done well with being *told*/*demanded to do something. The last time I asked for permission for ANYTHING was when I was 16. I used to have this hair-trigger to being told what to do. Even, 'take out the garbage' had me seeing red. If told, simply because I was
told, I would not do so. My motto was: ask, request, but, do not EVER, EVER, *tell* *me* what to do.
And.....it has come now to the point where he doesn't even rise to the challenge, where I see that he consciously backs down if he says something, he's not 'afraid' of me per se, but, he's now afraid of confrontation with me. And, it saddens me greatly. Because, he isn't the mean dictator that I've always thought him to be.
I have learned to see what I previously thought as flaws, to *also* have their benefits.
imaginationless-logic = real-world practicality
cannot bow down = taught me what its like to challenge 'the best', cuz I had to bring my A game (and hone my logic)
linear = always can account for all the steps, A to Z
always finding fault/cynical/fatalistic = while I am very optimistic, it gave me a more rounded outlook - 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'
rigid/stubborn = only when he felt threatened, he is suprisingly more open about a lot of issues than my mom because he can be more objective
too organized = important documents can be easily found, things that are broken are fixed as soon as it is found out to be broken, reliable, committed
abrasive/aggressive = meh, I am the same
Looking now from the outside in (it has been quite a few years that I've lived away from home), I now have the greatest respect from him. He's one of the most honourable man I know.
Yes, he challenges my INFP mom, but, she's not without fault (she instigates by holding on to irrational "I am the victim, and he's mean" - and there's a bit of manipulation there), but, now I realize the number of times he has done things for her (not grand romantic gestures, but, practical-minded) without even wanting recognition. My car is always fixed and running (no mechanic fairy), and we don't even know because he's up at the break of dawn, *needing* to be useful, so always doing *something*, and we don't see as we're still in the land of nod. He has had the same calculator for over 30 years (old as fuck, but it still works), and same with his clothes. I couldn't believe the simple, fumbling joy on his face when I forcefully bought him a new jacket this winter.
Him before shopping [an activity he loathes]: this is ridiculous, I already have a jacket, it keeps me warm, so it works just fine, I don't understand why you waste money like this, grumble, grumble.
Me: la la la, you're getting the jacket! [BOUGHT!]
Dad comes home from work next day: Takes off jacket, makes sure everything is out of pockets, carefully zips up pockets, assesses jacket, finds a speck (goes immediately to clean off speck), rummages around house to find a "sturdy" hanger befitting of his *precious* *new* jacket. Hangs it up, then finally sits to rest for the day.
2 days later, my next door neighbour: say, where is the store you got your dad's jacket from? I want to get one too as he said it was a great deal and he's never had a warmer jacket.
I could go on with personal anecdotes, but, the real message is: take a deep breath, acknowledge that there's vast differences between the two of you, acknowledge that as every strength is a weakness on its flip side, so is every 'weakness'/fault you see in him a strength, find examples of what you admire about him, give yourself time and space apart to appreciate not only him, but the relationship you two have, and, don't forget that time doesn't stop for anyone. Learn to fight the dark instinctual nature he seems to inadvertantly rise within you, and you will see, that it is not about changing you (nor changing him), but, changing the dynamics of the relationship. Every word he says is not a shrouded challenge. Don't focus on you, or him. But, the relationship. Because you may not always get that time back. And, finally, allow the relationship to grow. It will come.
