• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[NT] "Why do you hate me?"

Haphazard

Don't Judge Me!
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
6,704
MBTI Type
ENFJ
How are you supposed to answer this question?

Particularly when you don't really like the person asking.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
"I don't hate you, I just don't get you"
 

scantilyclad

almost nekkid
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,106
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
Perhaps answer honestly?
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
Because I am allergic to your pheromones, and think you smell like rotten fruit.

Or, because I think you are the devil incarnate.

:)
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
you're supposed to tell them the truth. You don't like this part of their behavior because this and this affects you this way and therefore it makes you uncomfortable. Never use the word 'you', always say I, and keep the feedback to specific behavior and don't generalize it so it becomes a personal attack. Allow for a reaction. Find a solution together. (I'm not making this up, these are actually the feedback rules from the f**ing manual ;))
 

scantilyclad

almost nekkid
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,106
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
You know, normally I would, but this is a situation where answering honestly makes me risk, well, being fed, having a roof over my head, etc.

So..it's a family member? hm well then i can understand why it would be hard to answer honestly. My stepmother asked me the same question a few years ago. I'm pretty sure i said "it's not that i HATE you...you just aren't my favorite person"

it was a lie, i hate her.

still the truth may work, as long as you are..nice? about it.
 

ajblaise

Minister of Propagandhi
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
7,914
MBTI Type
INTP
I've been asked this a few times, but, it's never the people I hate that ask it.

Since it's someone you don't want to offend, I would say just reply with something like "why do you think that?" and then try to play down whatever reason(s) they give you.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
Oh, wow, just seeing this title made me cringe a LOT. No one should ever ask this question of you in the first place. It's annoying and whiny. Grrr.

That said, if it's a parent, I wouldn't acknowledge that you actually do hate them, if you do. They probably don't think you actually hate them; they're probably just being dramatic, and then getting an answer would crush them.

I'd probably try and turn it around a bit and say, "Why would you ask me something like that?"
 

Anja

New member
Joined
May 2, 2008
Messages
2,967
MBTI Type
INFP
I remember going through this with my kids. (Well, actually I remember going this this with my own parents also. But they would have never asked a non-question like that. The issue would have never been discussed at all.) From my perspective what that question is saying is, "I wish we could have an honest discussion about why you aren't more loving toward me?" I'd see it as a clumsy attempt to stay connected in a positive way.

Not sure if that's what's happening for you. It sounds manipulative as though it obligates you to "be good."

I'm trying to remember what feelings were under the thought that my children hated me. And they did, in times of anger, say that to me.

First one is that I had failed them. I had wanted to help my kids grow up to be contented and well-adjusted people and instead they seemed angry and rebellious. And ungrateful for all the sacrifices I had made to provide for them.

So I think there was some neediness on my part to be recognized as a loving and devoted parent at that time.

Maybe there's some inability to initiate the conversation about why you appear angry to them? Guessing here.

It's touchy stuff. And it's basic. You're supposed to be detaching physically from them and they're supposed to be learning how to let you go. Hard work. Especially hard when probably both sides want to keep a sense of appreciation of the other.

One of my children had borderline characteristics and the only way she knew how, at that stage of her life, to separate from people was to get angry with them and split in a huff. Ouch! For both parents and children.

Does any of that help?
 

Nocapszy

no clinkz 'til brooklyn
Joined
Jun 29, 2007
Messages
4,517
MBTI Type
ENTP
Ordinarily, my answer is an appropriate assessment of their detriments according to what I want.
Isn't that how you're sposta answer all questions?
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
didn't read all the responses but i think by distancing yourself from it on any deeply personal level...like i don't hate you...i just think we are very different people who don't have a lot of common ground and it can be quite frustrating trying to relate to you but there's nothing wrong with either of us...we're just not very compatible...it's no one's fault and it doesn't mean we can't be civil to one another.
 

Moiety

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I never had anyone ask me that, or equivalent, so I dunno.
 

Anja

New member
Joined
May 2, 2008
Messages
2,967
MBTI Type
INFP
I don't know what the OP's parents are like.

But recently someone here asked me that question and I perceived it as an attempt to put me on the defensive.

What should you do? Throw a defensive statement back as Llulah suggested? Protest and dump a few dozen compliments on them? Ignore it? Any are options considering that I consider it noncommunication.

Guess if I were invested in the questioner I'd try to ask questions which would expose the meaning behind the question.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
11,590
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
so/sx

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
didn't read all the responses but i think by distancing yourself from it on any deeply personal level...like i don't hate you...i just think we are very different people who don't have a lot of common ground and it can be quite frustrating trying to relate to you but there's nothing wrong with either of us...we're just not very compatible...it's no one's fault and it doesn't mean we can't be civil to one another.

no...you should really just listen to me...i'm good at this shit. :)



----------------
Now playing: The Kooks - Do You Wanna
via FoxyTunes
 

heart

heart on fire
Joined
May 19, 2007
Messages
8,456
Guess if I were invested in the questioner I'd try to ask questions which would expose the meaning behind the question.

This is what I would do too.

Tread gently. Tap into that Fi.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
You know, normally I would, but this is a situation where answering honestly makes me risk, well, being fed, having a roof over my head, etc.
Is there any option to start working in the direction of getting another roof over your head?

It's hard to know what to say in someone else's situation not knowing any details. I usually tell people as close to the truth as possible. It might be worth at least knowing the answer to the question for yourself if it isn't a feeling you have examined. If there is anything you appreciate about the person, I'd suggest starting with that, and if there are any conflicts you think could be resolved if brought up, then that could be a good idea. Increasing the negative tension with criticisms that cannot or will not make a difference wouldn't be constructive. Beyond that, I would start making a plan to change the circumstance even if it takes a while. Just knowing you are working towards a change can make a negative situation more bearable in the present.
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
20,589
Enneagram
827
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
my typical response to that goes as follows

*snobby look*

I don't hate you- hating takes too much effort.

:)
 
Top