[INTJ] INTJs & Affection

[Insidious 3]

I struggle to show affection in public, either because i don't get strong emotions, or it just dosn't come naturally.
Maybe its to do with being a T

 

[ed111]

I have an enfp friend who was studying a degree course. His notes were in a complete mess (e.g. one single large pile) and he was getting stressed about it. I spent approximately 15 minutes sorting it for him. I first seperated everything into separate piles for each unit. Then looked through each unit and separated assignments from notes etc. Once this was done we found some folders, labelled them and put the notes away in their own folders. He seemed very relieved.

I've also helped him with assignments (although I knew nothing about the subject area of nursing and medicine). He hadn't done any work and the assignment was due in the next week (urgh). What I knew was how to write and structure reports and how to research and write references. Suffice to say he passed.

 

[pockets]

mm. I want me an INTJ already.
I may be hijacking this thread (would this be bad form?), but how does one:
1. respond to such overtures of affection from an INTJ?
2. care for an INTJ in the long term?

I mean, there are many very useful posts on how INTJs show affection, but I'm really interested in looking for ways to reciprocate best.

 

[squibbles]

mm. I want me an INTJ already.
I may be hijacking this thread (would this be bad form?), but how does one:
1. respond to such overtures of affection from an INTJ?
2. care for an INTJ in the long term?

I mean, there are many very useful posts on how INTJs show affection, but I'm really interested in looking for ways to reciprocate best.

Don't know if this is what you're looking for but in terms of the second....

I feel most comfortable around people when I can say something odd I'd been thinking about and they'll entertain a discussion/debate about it. If they think I'm weird for being "random" or if they think I'm trying to start a fight (instead of an intellectual and spirited discussion), it's really hard for me to feel relaxed. So, being open to those types of discussion would make me feel welcomed and safe enough to let my guard down.

This is kind of a little thing....I'm in college right now, so I spend a lot of late nights at the library...I don't like it when people come to hang around because that distracts me, but I would really, really appreciate something thoughtful like someone dropping off a meal....or a backrub

I'm a girl, if that matters.

 

[sonata]

1. respond to such overtures of affection from an INTJ?
2. care for an INTJ in the long term?

I mean, there are many very useful posts on how INTJs show affection, but I'm really interested in looking for ways to reciprocate best.

Well.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by care for. We like to think we don't need a lot of caring for. The moment I start to feel dependent... blah.

What was said about encouraging us & our ideas is right. But extravagant displays of F in my direction (I think this is Fe especially) usually come off to me as fake. I'm working on this, but that's still the gut response to profuse affection.

I appreciate cute little thoughtful gestures, more than people would probably realize. A lot of us have a surprisingly potent Fi and if you can appeal to that, we love you.

If you have a problem, tell us, we can be pretty awful mind-readers.

 

[Uytuun]

In a way, I think that the INTJ assumes that the friendship is going on beautifully when nothing changes in what normally happens. Thank them by giving them lots of time to get completely comfortable...be like an old warm sweater with just enough spark(ly embroidery). Maybe return the favour by buying milk for them when you notice they've run out or save them from an annoying social situation. Or show them a cool sciency/abstract/whatever his field of expertise is article you've stumbled upon. Show us your own strengths and gain our curiosity/respect/awe. Appeal to the Fi in a roundabout way also throwing in Ni and Te - watch a film together and ask him to analyse (masking it as entirely NT proof ) meaningful scenes. Don't do this all at once. Mostly, just let it flow and enjoy the silences, sitting in the same room in silence while each doing your own thing, handing the other person some crisps when you get some and feeling at ease is awesome bonding in itself. Make us feel that it's ok not to say hello and goodbye every time you come into/leave the room.

INFP INTJ communicates easily in my experience. Tap into the Fi undercurrent - not that much needs actually be said.

 

[pockets]

hey, all this is really useful. yeah, thank you.
well, i meant 'care' in a loose way, the way labels on sweaters (with sparkly embroidery even) have instructions for 'care'.
mm. i'm not terribly doting as a person, not inherently at least, though i experience strong feelings, i don't like being smothered, and so keep all smothering on my part to a minimum.
i'd try the being useful and buying milk (or an equivalent in my situation) tack, though the P in me protests a bit. but milk is useful. everyone needs milk.

 

[sonata]

If I'm a sweater, then hell yes, I have sparkly embroidery.

 

[pockets]

well, what use would a sweater have without sparkly embroidery?

(that was an Ne leap to Uytuun's post about warm sparkly sweaters rather than an aspersion of any kind on your sparkliness, or lack thereof, or anything, sonata. )

 

[pockets]

In a way, I think that the INTJ assumes that the friendship is going on beautifully when nothing changes in what normally happens.

Thank them by giving them lots of time to get completely comfortable...be like an old warm sweater with just enough spark(ly embroidery). Maybe return the favour by buying milk for them when you notice they've run out or save them from an annoying social situation. Or show them a cool sciency/abstract/whatever his field of expertise is article you've stumbled upon. Show us your own strengths and gain our curiosity/respect/awe. Appeal to the Fi in a roundabout way also throwing in Ni and Te - watch a film together and ask him to analyse (masking it as entirely NT proof ) meaningful scenes. Don't do this all at once. Mostly, just let it flow and enjoy the silences, sitting in the same room in silence while each doing your own thing, handing the other person some crisps when you get some and feeling at ease is awesome bonding in itself. Make us feel that it's ok not to say hello and goodbye every time you come into/leave the room.

I do most of that already. Now just to get comfortable with the silences instead of trying to get my Ne feelers out and overreact to the tiniest of changes. INTJs are rather consistent and not too prone to being mercurial, which I tend to be, so that would be stressful to an INTJ, especially if they're not too into interpreting expressions.

I feel most comfortable around people when I can say something odd I'd been thinking about and they'll entertain a discussion/debate about it. If they think I'm weird for being "random" or if they think I'm trying to start a fight (instead of an intellectual and spirited discussion), it's really hard for me to feel relaxed. So, being open to those types of discussion would make me feel welcomed and safe enough to let my guard down.

 

[Maabus1999]

Okay, a question for the INTJ's ... how do you show affection to someone you are really interested in romantically? Gestures? Do you do the opposite of what you feel?

Can wall it off and become almost colder until I feel there is a possible return. In some ways it may be a subconscious fear of rejection at some point or being hurt/hurting them emotionally if things don't fall into place. If a person sticks with me and tries to get under the wall, it becomes quiet the opposite but in control...usually. Problems is when an INTJ does show any emotion they can sometimes have trouble expressing it correctly as it is an inferior trait. Of course I may be a bad example as my T is pretty low and once in awhile I test as an INFJ. That is the problem with MBTI, the 50% threshold and explaining it correctly.

 

[Uytuun]

hey, all this is really useful. yeah, thank you.
well, i meant 'care' in a loose way, the way labels on sweaters (with sparkly embroidery even) have instructions for 'care'.
mm. i'm not terribly doting as a person, not inherently at least, though i experience strong feelings, i don't like being smothered, and so keep all smothering on my part to a minimum.
i'd try the being useful and buying milk (or an equivalent in my situation) tack, though the P in me protests a bit. but milk is useful. everyone needs milk.

Yeah, I like the crisps scenario better than the milk scenario myself - it may be a little too forceful. Just little thoughtful no pressure touches that come naturally.

i'm not terribly doting as a person, not inherently at least, though i experience strong feelings, i don't like being smothered, and so keep all smothering on my part to a minimum.

Pretty compatible. In the end the connection and the mind-to-mind action is more important than any food you can get us.

 

[Kalach]

I feel most comfortable around people when I can say something odd I'd been thinking about and they'll entertain a discussion/debate about it.

I second this.

And typically it's much, much better if that discussion/debate literally needs the other person to be involved--it's not a debate I could have in my own head.

I get most of my thrills from taking up new information and... um, how to explain?--adding in structure? Coming to conclusions?

And it's much better if it's "real" too. Debate for it's own sake gets dull fast. Discussion with something real at stake is a genuine buzz.

And you know how Ps are supposed to lighten up a Js rigidity? Yeah, well, that works best if the J is allowed to agree to be lightened up. (Which sounds like a contradiction, but it isn't.)

And I think INTJs tend to quite readily agree to lighten up if (and probably only if) some of that real work has been done, or is being done. Some of the silliest, most entertaining things an INTJ might come out with will probably happen at those times when the real work of coming to truthful, useful and meaningful conclusions has been going on (if at least some part of it has been going on well).

 

[DigitalMethod]

I mean, there are many very useful posts on how INTJs show affection, but I'm really interested in looking for ways to reciprocate best.

Talk about feelings.
In the right way.*

*Not sure what the right way is. Yet.

 

[squibbles]

And it's much better if it's "real" too. Debate for it's own sake gets dull fast. Discussion with something real at stake is a genuine buzz.

Yeah, I have the best discussions when they're about something that just comes up. Sometimes, I have had thoughts, and then had to save them for a while to talk to a certain person who I knew would entertain them (fellow INTJ, but considerably different), and it just wasn't the same.

However, I do actively participate on my university's debate team, and I really do enjoy the rush of a good debate round, "fake" though it may be.

---------------

Talk about feelings.
In the right way.*

*Not sure what the right way is. Yet.

Hmm.....For me, not vomiting your feelings all over me and expecting me to deal with it is a good start.

I have no problem with feelings so long as whoever is sharing them with me can be honest and upfront and is willing to sort through them, taking ownership for them. Even venting is fine, as long as I know that's what it is. But what I can't deal with is the explosions of emotion that some people let out and then just walk away like nothing happened and expect you to be the same.



....does anyone get what I mean?



But yeah, I enjoy it when people talk about their feelings with me, because I feel trusted by them. I especially like to be able to help someone though something (provided they're willing to deal with it) because I'm good at looking at other people's feelings objectively. Which I guess is another thing...a way to make me happy is to let me help you with things I'm good at!

 

[Hendo Barbarosa]

Hmm.....For me, not vomiting your feelings all over me and expecting me to deal with it is a good start.

I think I would add this as the main barrier you have to (initially) work past. You have to basically earn an INTJ who will listen to matters of emotional importance on the intra-personal plane. When I first meet someone, esp. an ENFP, I have to be captivated by their deep side before the shallows can be interesting to me in any way. Conversely if all I get initially is the "small talk" or even if it's really deep, but it regards only the details of people and their lives rather than a broader theory, then I might make an erroneous assumption about their capability as a conversationalist altogether, which admittedly really sucks and can seem cold and cruel, but I definitely echo the idea of INTJs (or INTJ dudes) doing the insta-write off. When my ex said she wanted to break up it was like, I was done with her almost completely before she'd finished saying the word "up". Allegiance lines are drawn pretty quickly, but by the same token, if a person's ability to converse proves their worth on an intrinsic level (and I've never met an ENFP where this didn't instantly and almost naturally happen to me) then that allegiance is almost unbreakable. THEN, and only then, do you explore the feeling side.

 

[DigitalMethod]

Well she was asking basically how to reward INTJs. How to reciprocate.

There are probably many ways. I just thought of feelings as the first thing.

I just find talking to someone about my feelings, and them being a good listener, providing input, and just giving me the general comfort to talk about my feelings with someone who understands is something I really cherish, I feel refreshed afterwards.

I think you were thinking about talking about each others feelings, but I was generally just talking about expressing my feelings.

It's true though, if I can sit there and listen to the other person talk about their feelings and feel comfortable while doing it than that's a pretty big achievement in whatever relationship it might be. I might not feel personally rewarded by talking to the other person about their feelings (other than the thought of "that's nice - they are comfortable expressing themselves to me").

And yes I would have a hard time if the person was inconsistent with their feelings, overplayed them, lied, or manipulated me.

In the field of "talking about feelings" in a relationship, for me, lying about your feelings (depends on motive) would make me take a step back. Manipulating me with your feelings, would make me either leave the relationship, or seriously considering leaving it. It's not a light subject at all. Most likely because it can influence me more than it should (with people I'm close to).

 

[sonata]

(that was an Ne leap to Uytuun's post about warm sparkly sweaters rather than an aspersion of any kind on your sparkliness, or lack thereof, or anything, sonata. )

Oh, don't worry. My sparkliness does not feel like it has had an aspersion cast on it. There was nothing at all serious about my previous post.

 

[WithoutaFace]

How to affectionately reward an INTJ? Hmmm, well from my point of view:

Just treat him like a normal person. You don't have to go out of your way to treat an INTJ specially. Subjectively speaking though, I would say respect your time commitments. Don't be flaky, and show genuine interest. Never exude an air of ingratiation; I personally get offended and quite frankly, really pissed off when I detect that someone is trying to beguile me. It makes me suspicious as hell. So that would be my only warning if you are trying to "reward" an INTJ affectionately. But of course, this is me, and we are not all created from a cookie cutter. But you already knew this.

 

[Hendo Barbarosa]

mm. I want me an INTJ already.
I may be hijacking this thread (would this be bad form?), but how does one:
1. respond to such overtures of affection from an INTJ?
2. care for an INTJ in the long term?

I mean, there are many very useful posts on how INTJs show affection, but I'm really interested in looking for ways to reciprocate best.

Hmmm...the best way to approach this I suppose is to say what I like most about the INFPs that I know. The responses that I like most from my INFP mindmate tend to be the insights that happen regarding my emotions, and like, she often can make guesses about the motivations behind some of my artwork, that are SO right on that it frightens me to think that I didn't see that perspective before. It's never really an assessment of the art itself, rather it's an assessment of ME as seen through the lens of my art. In addition to that, the thing that definitely captivates my listening skill is when she will tell a story about like, a subway ride, but it's like, narrated from her perspective and with her opinions, and is always really detailed in it's descriptions. These descriptions are basically what I live for in my conversations with her, and when she's not as verbose about them it seems like the conversation has less purpose, honestly. Also I think a key factor in why I've always been able to connect with her well is that with my ideas, she doesn't do what most people, even my parents, would do about an idea, which is to cut straight to "wow that's a good idea". With an INTJ, that's really not worth much, just to say it's good or not. The WHY of it's goodness or badness is a practical element that can actually help us in our understanding, and therefore in compliments it's like, the utmost of importance. I really like the fact that my infp friend will totally absorb one of my ideas, take it to heart, and give me that practical compliment, as opposed to just a truncated one.

TL;DR'd