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[NT] Assertiveness...

The Ü™

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What are some methods you have used to help yourself become more assertive? How do you train yourself effectively?
 

Anja

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Do you mean in making it easier to do with others or are you more interested in peoples ideas about clarity on what assertiveness is, Uber?
 

The Ü™

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I'm interested in how people deal with it. How people gain the confidence to stand up to people rather than constantly rehearsing it. How they change their thought processes to become more assertive.
 

disregard

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You try it, realise the benefits outweigh the cost, try it again, feel that it's not scary anymore, and then voila! it's second-nature.
 

Night

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Respect yourself -- assertiveness begins and ends with self-respect.

Speak your mind. Walk with your head up. Square your chest.

Life gets much easier. Much more playful.


Assertiveness isn't aggressiveness. Protecting your interests means that you still maintain a dual responsibility to respect the civilities of others.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Behavioral therapy is famous for its assertiveness training. You can read about it at other sites too.

Poisonally, I think it has to do with integrity. If you maintain honor and respect for yourself, asserting yourself becomes second nature (after you experiment with it a bit). Sometimes, though, you develop that integrity by asserting yourself. :doh: At first, it's something you have to try doing, even though it makes you uncomfortable. Finding a good person to model your behavior after, someone who's assertive yet smart and caring, is a good idea too.

Edit: seems like me, Night and Amargith are all on the same page.
 

The Ü™

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What are ways to gain self-respect?

I mean, I just feel trapped. I just rehearse the assertiveness in front of the air. I can't confront people because part of the problem is that I don't have power over anyone.
 

Totenkindly

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I think being assertive also comes down to not trying to control others. (That's aggression.)

Reasoning:
1. If you want something from someone else, it's hard to be assertive because there's a chance they won't give you what you desire.
2. Thus, you'll usually tend to play things safe, not risk offending, try to maneuver things so that they'll easily accommodate what you desire.
3. If you're assertive, you have realized that your self-respect and values/beliefs are more important to adhere to than necessarily getting something from the other person.
4. Thus you can stand your ground, regardless of how the other person might respond.
5. It also involves some self-confidence in knowing you can survive with or without the other person's accommodations. Survival is in your hands, not theirs.

I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's worked for me: I am assertive because I'm not expecting anything back, so I have nothing to lose by being assertive.
 

Xander

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What are ways to gain self-respect?

I mean, I just feel trapped. I just rehearse the assertiveness in front of the air. I can't confront people because part of the problem is that I don't have power over anyone.
No one has power over anyone, it's given by the person you supposedly hold power over. Power is an illusion.
 

Anja

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There's Edahn. (See? You tried to hide from me last night and I stiill found you! Heh.) Those are pretty good observations about assertiveness.

It's not an easy thing to do if you haven't learned or been encouraged at an early age.

And it is important to really understand what assertiveness is. Done well it's clean of insinuation, passive-aggressive undertones, name calling. There are lots of folks who think they're assertive who are simply being slyly aggressive.

I can do that quite well on occasion. And certainly there are situations when that may be the best method of dealing with something. But first a person has to get clear about the difference.

For me, Uber, self-respect came from defining my values system and disciplining myself to live by it.
 

Amargith

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What are ways to gain self-respect?

I mean, I just feel trapped. I just rehearse the assertiveness in front of the air. I can't confront people because part of the problem is that I don't have power over anyone.

You find out what you're good at and realize it, instead of taking it for granted. You're btw in a great place to discover that ;) And then you look at your weaknesses, check out people who are good at your weaknesses and take lessons from them. And most importantly: you learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect ;)


Edit: I agree with Anja. Decide what is important to you and adhere to that
 

Anja

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Yay Jen!

You said "It."

That's when one begins to feel true freedom. When one stops trying to control.

Odd paradox, but true.

Edit: I meant "Yay Jennifer!"

Another edit: But that's a ways down the road for someone who's starting to learn how to speak assertively. An important component to keep in mind, nonetheless.
 

Night

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What are ways to gain self-respect?

I mean, I just feel trapped. I just rehearse the assertiveness in front of the air. I can't confront people because part of the problem is that I don't have power over anyone.

You have to believe that your ideas are worthwhile, and that others would profit from hearing them.

Confidence is quiet. Insecurity is a bullhorn.
 

Anja

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Could a piece of self-respect come from practicing respecting others?
 

miss fortune

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A good part of it is like everyone else said- respect yourself. Also, have a sense of who and what you are, if you do that you won't need to fear other people and will be more willing to stand up to them.

I made this post several months ago giving practical tips to someone on how to be assertive, it may be of some use to you perhaps :)
 

Night

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Could a piece of self-respect come from practicing respecting others?

I think this is inextricable to self-respect.

Everyone deserves dignity.

Protecting others is key to promoting a general sense of self-worth (people need me to speak my mind, because they can't always do it themselves), which in turn coalesces into global self-respect.
 

The Ü™

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I really don't know myself. I just exist.

I feel as if I'm being watched, and that's what prevents me from going after what I want. It's been like this for so long, now I don't know what I want.
 

miss fortune

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Do something DIFFERENT, and outside of your normal comfort zone. That could prompt a change :)
 

Totenkindly

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Also, have a sense of who and what you are, if you do that you won't need to fear other people and will be more willing to stand up to them.

Yes, like I hinted at, I think a lot of lack of assertiveness is trying to be opportunistic and trying to maximize what you can get out of someone, rather than committing up front to a particular image of yourself and being willing to live with the ramifications of that, for good or bad..
 
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