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[MBTI General] Mindmates - how far will you go?

Chemgrl82

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Edit: I'm linking this page to a much larger discussion on mindmates here.
If you are unaware of this theory, it may be a better starting point than this OP.

As some of you may know, the concept of having a mindmate for an NT is very real. While NFs tend to lean toward soulmates, SPs lean toward playmates, SJs go for helpmates, NTs like their mindmates.

For those of you that have had a mindmate (in real life or long distance) how far have or would you be willing to go? Given that your attraction lies within the gender that they are (i.e. you're not a hetero female with another female mm), what have you thought about doing or have done to be with a mm?

If you or the other person has been in a serious relationship or marriage, would you end it?

Would you travel far distances or move?

Are there things you'd be willing to compromise on? If so, what are they?

Have you ever had a mindmate long distance only to find the connection diminish in person upon meeting?

And finally, if circumstances were hard to overcome, how long did you wait to see if it could be duplicated with someone else? Or do you just accept the way things are and let it go?

I'm just basically curious to what extremes such a connection has taken you, be it in thought or action.
 
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GargoylesLegacy

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Hm, interesting Question actually. =)
Personally I did already move for some Persons. And in General...I would go as far as my Behaviour and the other Person lets me, I guess. Whatever is "within my normal Nature" or within my Compromise-Limit.

As far as Disappointement with Meetings go...Normally I always had a right Impression of the Persons. So I wasn't really disappointed so far.

BTW, I am currently having a Thing like this. I will see how it turns out. *smile*

I'm pretty curious to read about others too.
 

Usehername

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I met a mindmate on my gap year program. Later in the year we learned about MBTI, and found out we were both INTJs.

He was a more distinctly introverted person than me, but we had fascinating talks and weird similarities. (Which of course could later be attributed to us both being INTJs and not having met someone so similar to ourselves.)

At first I was excited that I had found someone to help me understand myself more deeply; later I began to really crush on him. I found out he had a girlfriend of two years (they are still dating two years later, which, at my age, is really impressive and probably means marriage). Dealbreaker. Luckily, this was 3 or 4 weeks into the program so I gave myself perhaps 3 days of space from him (the gap year program involved extensive traveling with everyone, so 24/7 living with people who squish next to you in a 15-passenger van means 3 days of space from someone is a lot).

By then I had gotten over it. I set distinct boundaries in my mind, and I don't know that it ever occurred to him that I was crushing on him at the beginning. He was a committed BF to his GF, so it made things a lot easier. Just stuck to predefined boundaries in my head.
 

Usehername

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It really comes down to the, "do you believe all is fair in love and war?"

I don't believe that. I believe once rings go on (and probably earlier) you've established a commitment to be there for each other. No one wants to spend their marriage wondering if someone better will show up--how much would that simply fuck up your mindset? Is this really a healthy way for any monogamous LTR to be?

I think we have the responsibility to choose our partners wisely, and then it's in everyone's best interests to invest your heart and soul into that relationship and keep boundaries where they need to be kept.
 

ajblaise

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I believe once rings go on (and probably earlier) you've established a commitment to be there for each other.

Yeah, but if you fall out of love with someone, are continually unhappy in the relationship, or fall for someone else... I don't see why someone should stay with a person they just don't want to be with just because they are married, especially if no kids are involved yet.
 

Usehername

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Yeah, but if you fall out of love with someone, are continually unhappy in the relationship, or fall for someone else... I don't see why someone should stay with a person they just don't want to be with just because they are married, especially if no kids are involved yet.

Would you leave a decent relationship for something better though? i.e. the Mindmate that you didn't find earlier? I wouldn't.
 

Chemgrl82

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It really comes down to the, "do you believe all is fair in love and war?"

I don't believe that. I believe once rings go on (and probably earlier) you've established a commitment to be there for each other. No one wants to spend their marriage wondering if someone better will show up--how much would that simply fuck up your mindset? Is this really a healthy way for any monogamous LTR to be?

I think we have the responsibility to choose our partners wisely, and then it's in everyone's best interests to invest your heart and soul into that relationship and keep boundaries where they need to be kept.

Sound advice.

But what if your LTR is already in the crapper and a mm comes along, stomping through what's left of your little private reverie?
 

ajblaise

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Would you leave a decent relationship for something better though? i.e. the Mindmate that you didn't find earlier? I wouldn't.

Well surely the level of commitment would matter (a girlfriend compared to a wife) but if I was perfectly happy in the relationship, I probably wouldn't have fostered a deep Mindmate relationship with someone of the opposite sex that I was attracted to in the first place.

But this is why I want to choose who I get serious with or marry carefully, so I can avoid that potential situation all together.
 

ajblaise

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On a related note, I've noticed that there really isn't that much literature on mindmates. In fact, the #1 site that comes up for "mindmates" on google is just an INTPc thread.
 

Usehername

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Sound advice.

But what if your LTR is already in the crapper and a mm comes along, stomping through what's left of your little private reverie?

Note: This response comes from an idealistic "sex is reserved for marriage Christian" who is currently single. I pretty much have no ethos to respond to this but I will respond with my thoughts anyway since I have thoughts on everything.

IMO, the mindmate is separate and distinct from the quality of the LTR. The LTR either has the ability to regain some life with TLC from both parties, or it doesn't. Of course if one of the parties gives up, the LTR isn't going to work. But the LTR itself is separate and distinct from any 3rd party.

I can see that some LTRs just don't have it. THey were a bad idea from the get-go and then circumstances (kids/money/whatever) made it survive for longer than it would've without external pressure.

IMO when an enticing not-so-baggage-laden 3rd party enters the scene it only messes with one's ability to step back and examine the 2-party relationship.

I think involving a 3rd party to evaluate the quality of the LTR is a dangerous and win-lose situation at best, likely a lose-lose situation.

Any LTR needs to be evaluated in and of itself without the real fantasy of something different that's an option to walk away from (which most certainly would come with its own baggage in time just like anything else in this life).
 

Usehername

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Well surely the level of commitment would matter (a girlfriend compared to a wife) but if I was perfectly happy in the relationship, I probably wouldn't have fostered a deep Mindmate relationship with someone of the opposite sex that I was attracted to in the first place.

But this is why I want to choose who I get serious with or marry carefully, so I can avoid that potential situation all together.

Yeah, me too. Choose wisely, then boundaries.


Note to OP: I realize RL is not as clean and easy as theory. Above statement is theory coming from a single forum geek.
 

Tallulah

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I think involving a 3rd party to evaluate the quality of the LTR is a dangerous and win-lose situation at best, likely a lose-lose situation.

Any LTR needs to be evaluated in and of itself without the real fantasy of something different that's an option to walk away from (which most certainly would come with its own baggage in time just like anything else in this life).

I agree. You'd need to evaluate the crappiness of the relationship independently of a third party. The grass can look greener really easily if you're in an unfulfilling relationship to begin with.

I really desire sort of a mindmate/soulmate. It's not enough for me to just have a strong mental connection. I have that with lots of my friends. But if I met the right person and the connection was undeniable, then yes, I could see myself moving every obstacle that stood in our way.
 

Metamorphosis

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Just being a "mindmate" isn't enough, in my opinion. Although, I have seen before that NT females tend to support the idea more.
 

Chemgrl82

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On a related note, I've noticed that there really isn't that much literature on mindmates. In fact, the #1 site that comes up for "mindmates" on google is just an INTPc thread.

Yep. And it's a big thread, too. I posted there as well, since that thread is oh so familiar. Thought it would be neat to see the various responses here, as well.
 

Delilah

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On a related note, I've noticed that there really isn't that much literature on mindmates. In fact, the #1 site that comes up for "mindmates" on google is just an INTPc thread.

I think that is because it's a bunch of made up crap and voodoo. :dry:
 
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