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  1. #1
    Dust and Shadow Lia_kat's Avatar
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    Default How do I help a self-destructive INTJ?

    I'm at a loss. I've been talking to him for a few months and we're both interested in each other romantically, but he's been dealing with a lot of health issues, past trauma, heartbreak, anxiety/depression for years. He says he's very self-destructive. He has opened up a lot and I'm grateful that he trusts me because I know he's a very sweet, kind, sensitive person deep inside.

    I just don't know what else to do. He says I make him feel different like no one before & "he doesn't know what to do" and is scared. He also says if we get involved he'll "probably ruin everything." But then the next day he'll say "I'm sorry. I want you more than anything."

    How can I help him?
    "..But my dreaming self refuses to be consoled."- M.Atwood
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  2. #2
    Vulnera Sanentur Coriolis's Avatar
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    My first thought: it sounds like he would benefit from counseling. Has he the means and willingness to do this?
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  3. #3
    Dust and Shadow Lia_kat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    My first thought: it sounds like he would benefit from counseling. Has he the means and willingness to do this?
    He says he's poor and can't afford it.
    "..But my dreaming self refuses to be consoled."- M.Atwood
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  4. #4
    Now with less salt. Methylene's Avatar
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    You don't. As harsh as it may sound, he has issues he has to work through. On his own. You are supposed to be his (girl)friend, not his therapist.
    I'd just let him go. If he's spiraling, he'd just take you down with him.
    I'm speaking from experience, I've been on both sides. It's impossible to build a solid, healthy relationship given that foundation.
    I don't think that it's so personal
    Anymore
    I don't think that it's irreversible
    Anymore
    Sometimes I feel like I'm a sentimental trooper.

    6w5 - 3w4 - 9w8 so/sp
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    LII-Ne.
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  5. #5
    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lia_kat View Post
    I'm at a loss. I've been talking to him for a few months and we're both interested in each other romantically, but he's been dealing with a lot of health issues, past trauma, heartbreak, anxiety/depression for years. He says he's very self-destructive. He has opened up a lot and I'm grateful that he trusts me because I know he's a very sweet, kind, sensitive person deep inside.

    I just don't know what else to do. He says I make him feel different like no one before & "he doesn't know what to do" and is scared. He also says if we get involved he'll "probably ruin everything." But then the next day he'll say "I'm sorry. I want you more than anything."

    How can I help him?
    Reminds me a little bit of a period in my life.

    Be there for him, but also don't overindulge. Be his voice of reason when he's losing it. Don't overdo it. Don't enable him either.

    This is what you're signing up for. Whether you can do that or not is up to you.

    Otherwise, if it's not a task you are equipped to handle, professional therapy should do.
    الخَيلُ وَاللَيلُ وَالبَيداءُ تَعرِفُني *** وَالسَيفُ وَالرُمحُ وَالقِرطاسُ وَالقَلَمُ
    Swift steeds, dreary nights, and the desolate wasteland, all know me full well
    As do the sword, the spear, the paper and the pen.

  6. #6
    Forged In Flames Hexcoder's Avatar
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    Some people won't take you down...depends on the person / people involved. The dynamics are very...well, varied. Issues like this don't come in one flavor. It may have taken someone else down, but this person's issues / coping levels could be completely different. Likewise, you may be completely different.

    It's up to you if you want to be there. You know the dynamics more than us. What I will say is what everyone else has sad: he needs therapy. He needs to be willing to work toward being able to get therapy, too, not just saying "I'm too poor" and that's the end of the road.
    BE • LOVE • EVOLVE • FREE
    YOURSELF

    PHOENIX

    “But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself. ... You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

  7. #7
    Forged In Flames Hexcoder's Avatar
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    Also, just...be aware of when to set boundaries. Know your limits. Take care of yourself (get space if you need it, etc.) if you do decide to actually help.
    BE • LOVE • EVOLVE • FREE
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    PHOENIX

    “But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself. ... You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

  8. #8
    Forged In Flames Hexcoder's Avatar
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    Reminds me of where I was a bit in the past, too. I haven't taken my friends down, they've lifted me up. I wouldn't even be alive today without them helping. If you want to know how to move forward...go in it with the expectation that it is going to be a rough ride, and be a stable and persistent friend to them first and foremost.

    It's...really, really difficult to say much without knowing the specific dynamics.

    "Why do they think they'll ruin it?"
    Even the answer to this question alone can vary a lot, and then the best approach to that answer would depend on what it is.
    BE • LOVE • EVOLVE • FREE
    YOURSELF

    PHOENIX

    “But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself. ... You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
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  9. #9
    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Methylene View Post
    You don't. As harsh as it may sound, he has issues he has to work through. On his own. You are supposed to be his (girl)friend, not his therapist.
    I'd just let him go. If he's spiraling, he'd just take you down with him.
    I'm speaking from experience, I've been on both sides. It's impossible to build a solid, healthy relationship given that foundation.
    Maybe you're weak, maybe you can't handle things the way she does. I've seen people being shut off by me because I did not want to drag anyone down in my period of depression, but they kept on coming back with more compassion. Their presence actually made a difference.

    I wonder if all people were like us "Own your shit and be responsible for it". That's a monotonous boring fucking world.



    Quote Originally Posted by Hexcoder View Post
    Some people won't take you down...depends on the person / people involved. The dynamics are very...well, varied. Issues like this don't come in one flavor. It may have taken someone else down, but this person's issues / coping levels could be completely different. Likewise, you may be completely different.

    It's up to you if you want to be there. You know the dynamics more than us. What I will say is what everyone else has sad: he needs therapy. He needs to be willing to work toward being able to get therapy, too, not just saying "I'm too poor" and that's the end of the road.
    It is exactly like you said. The dynamics are different and it is narrow minded in this case to just drop a verdict.

    In my case, therapy did nothing, but one person did all the difference. Things just happened. It was a crazy time.

    Another thing is, even if you tell some people "please don't go the extra mile because you gotta take care of yourself", they would still do it. I'm laughing at that, but it's just the way things sometimes turn out to be.


    Before I go.

    *slaps Methylene*
    الخَيلُ وَاللَيلُ وَالبَيداءُ تَعرِفُني *** وَالسَيفُ وَالرُمحُ وَالقِرطاسُ وَالقَلَمُ
    Swift steeds, dreary nights, and the desolate wasteland, all know me full well
    As do the sword, the spear, the paper and the pen.
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  10. #10
    Now with less salt. Methylene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sacrophagus View Post
    Maybe you're weak, maybe you can't handle things the way she does. I've seen people being shut off by me because I did not want to drag anyone down in my period of depression, but they kept on coming back with more compassion. Their presence actually made a difference.

    I wonder if all people were like us "Own your shit and be responsible for it". That's a monotonous boring fucking world.





    It is exactly like you said. The dynamics are different and it is narrow minded in this case to just drop a verdict.

    In my case, therapy did nothing, but one person did all the difference. Things just happened. It was a crazy time.

    Another thing is, even if you tell some people "please don't go the extra mile because you gotta take care of yourself", they would still do it. I'm laughing at that, but it's just the way things sometimes turn out to be.


    Before I go.

    *slaps Methylene*
    HEY

    Jokes aside, I think you can be more helpful to someone who's in a dark place as a friend than a lover. It gets more complicated as it's so easy to lose themselves and be dragged down with them the closer the relationship, especially if they can't afford therapy.
    I also wanted to prevent some sort of Florence Nightingale/good samaritan syndrome, or whatever you may call it.
    It's true that I don't know their dynamics and people would still do what they want, though. But allow me to be edgy and a special snowflake sometime.
    I don't think that it's so personal
    Anymore
    I don't think that it's irreversible
    Anymore
    Sometimes I feel like I'm a sentimental trooper.

    6w5 - 3w4 - 9w8 so/sp
    RLUEI
    Chaotic neutral.
    LII-Ne.

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