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[NT] INTP Fear of Intimacy

Rachelinpa

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Is this a common trend for INTPs?

Yesterday, my roommate (INTP) told me that he thinks he has intimacy issues, but he does not know why. It seemed almost ESFP of him -- in that, he said he always wants it to be "fun." He has never been in a long term relationship and does not really seem to want one. I kept thinking of how that is sort of not even "real," (that is, the jumping from date to date -- fun experience to fun experience) but I couldn't put what I was thinking into words. I can somewhat relate because I am frequently bored also, but when it comes down to it, I know that I really would prefer the security of a consistent relationship than a thousand brief flings.

Do other INTPs experience this also? Is it a fear of intimacy or is it something else? Please teach me your ways.
 

Salomé

meh
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Fear of intimacy? meh.
Reserving intimacy for the few considered deserving? :yes:.
Fear of losing autonomy - big time.
It's not the same as ExxP flightiness.

Have you read this thread?
 

Nighthawk

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Fear of intimacy? meh.
Reserving intimacy for the few considered deserving? :yes:.
Fear of losing autonomy - big time.

That sums it up nicely for me too. I enjoy intimate relationships with a few people whom I choose. I will withdraw when my autonomy is restricted however. I do like the newness of a fresh relationship, but I also will stick with more established relationships that are intimate.
 

Rachelinpa

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Yeah, maybe it's the fear of losing autonomy...

Thing is, he seemed somewhat disgruntled about it. As if, while he knows it is the path he has chosen, he is not 100% sure it is the best way or if he likes it about himself. He did say, "Maybe you can help me figure out why this is..." with an explanation of how he never had a bad childhood and there should be no reason for him fleeing from these relationships so quickly.
 

Rachelinpa

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I do like the newness of a fresh relationship, but I also will stick with more established relationships that are intimate.

What is the value you see in an intimate relationship that does not come with a fresh relationship? Because in a sense, I can understand why it would be easier to go from NEW to NEW... and if I did not CARE so deeply (as ENFP do) and have to extricate myself from a tangled web of emotions, I would probably tend to be that way too...
 

ajblaise

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Yeah, Bluemonday is right, fear of losing autonomy is the real issue here. *shivers*
 

Airius

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Maybe he's just not ready to settle. There's nothing wrong with that.
 

Salomé

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Yeah, maybe it's the fear of losing autonomy...

Thing is, he seemed somewhat disgruntled about it. As if, while he knows it is the path he has chosen, he is not 100% sure it is the best way or if he likes it about himself. He did say, "Maybe you can help me figure out why this is..." with an explanation of how he never had a bad childhood and there should be no reason for him fleeing from these relationships so quickly.

Disgruntled = default state for INTxs.
Not being 100% sure = default state for xxxPs.

Send him here. We'll teach him to love disgruntled uncertainty.
 

Nighthawk

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...there should be no reason for him fleeing from these relationships so quickly.

I jumped through a lot of relationships in my teens and 20's. For me, it was more experimentation. I tried on different people to see how they fit. If they didn't fit right, then I moved on. Years later, I finally discovered that I was trying on personality types that did not mesh well with me. It also didn't help that I had no knowledge of MBTI or the different types.

There is also the high that exists in a new relationship. I sought to maintain that through variety. It wasn't until years later that I learned this was a somewhat destructive path for me. I know I hurt people during that time, and have re-evaluated my actions since then.
 

Nighthawk

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What is the value you see in an intimate relationship that does not come with a fresh relationship?

The depth of understanding that you can gain from having a partner or friend for a long period of time. Trust builds over time as well, and you know that you will be there for each other, even when things get rough. Shared experiences are nice too, especially as you grow older. Loyalty is something I learned from my SJ partner ... and it is not something that comes easy to me. I admire it greatly however.
 

Totenkindly

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... I enjoy intimate relationships with a few people whom I choose. I will withdraw when my autonomy is restricted however. I do like the newness of a fresh relationship, but I also will stick with more established relationships that are intimate.

That sounds about right.

The "autonomy" thing is big. You share a bit at a time, testing to see whether people will try to snare you with what you've revealed. If someone betrays you by trying to control you or leverage the information against you, you stop.

Some other types plunge in more quickly and are not nearly as sensitive to "control issues."

It can be argued that the INTP is mistaking healthy connection for relational enslavement, but the inverse can also be argued for other types.

I know that personally I love intimate relationships... with people I can trust to not abuse the information I've given them by trying to gain power over me. If they are willing to go that deep, I am willing to go that deep. In fact, I *want* to go that deep and become bored when someone won't.

Note that "intimate" for me tends to be more about "shared information" -- I will tell you EVERYTHING -- rather than what some other types might consider intimate. IOW, I desire total disclosure, with the promise I will never use the information against you; and I am willing to tell you anything about me.
 

Kaizer

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Rachelinpa

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I jumped through a lot of relationships in my teens and 20's. For me, it was more experimentation. I tried on different people to see how they fit. If they didn't fit right, then I moved on. Years later, I finally discovered that I was trying on personality types that did not mesh well with me. It also didn't help that I had no knowledge of MBTI or the different types.

There is also the high that exists in a new relationship. I sought to maintain that through variety. It wasn't until years later that I learned this was a somewhat destructive path for me. I know I hurt people during that time, and have re-evaluated my actions since then.

Yes! This sounds like him. Was it the recognition of destruction that stopped this relational route or was it meeting the right person? We both mulled over that yesterday... that is, if he would change if he met the right girl.
 

Rachelinpa

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The "autonomy" thing is big. You share a bit at a time, testing to see whether people will try to snare you with what you've revealed. If someone betrays you by trying to control you or leverage the information against you, you stop.

Oh my gosh! Yes! The snare! He totally does this. And, yeah, it does seem like he WANTS to share, but it has to be like in increments. I don't understand what sort of betrayal you are avoiding though... can you explain that?
 

Kaizer

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Note that "intimate" for me tends to be more about "shared information" -- I will tell you EVERYTHING -- rather than what some other types might consider intimate. IOW, I desire total disclosure, with the promise I will never use the information against you; and I am willing to tell you anything about me.

true, and this seems extreme-ish to others and theres that 'inviting-others-in' default way of going about it. Also, till that depth is reached nothing much happens and by those who automatically 'know' (sensors and/or feelers) it appears to be a game, but once that depth is reached it all unfolds really fast where it comes across as deluge.
 

Totenkindly

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...Thing is, he seemed somewhat disgruntled about it. As if, while he knows it is the path he has chosen, he is not 100% sure it is the best way or if he likes it about himself.

As others have said, this is right on the money.

You never know anything 100% of the time. Information is always being updated.

That's why it's hard to have an opinion on something... or make a commitment that does not allow for flex.

Ne (or Se for ISTP) is always gathering new information and incorporating it in real-time, to update the model and responses. The inner is NOT stable like Si (where external information is rejected if it does not conform to the inner); it is constantly shifting.
 

Rachelinpa

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No, I guess I get it, actually. When you sense the control... of your time... or the vibe that we want you to be someone you are not... you just put up that wall....
 

Rachelinpa

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Ne (or Se for ISTP) is always gathering new information and incorporating it in real-time, to update the model and responses. The inner is NOT stable like Si (where external information is rejected if it does not conform to the inner); it is constantly shifting.

Yeah, that is so interesting! I love how open to possibilities you NTs are...

It's like... THIS IS HOW IT IS... but... maybe not. Such a contrast to my ISTJ and ESFP friends who are like THIS IS HOW IT IS... period.
 

Totenkindly

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Oh my gosh! Yes! The snare! He totally does this. And, yeah, it does seem like he WANTS to share, but it has to be like in increments. I don't understand what sort of betrayal you are avoiding though... can you explain that?

Betrayal: Others using information you have shared with them (whether it's just an opinion, or your feelings, or something you liked/dislike, or something you appreciated, or a political stance, or personal belief) in order to hurt you (if they are mad at you) or to otherwise try to make you do something against your will.

Stuff like that.

Note that this is one reason why many INTPs despise Fe early on. Immature Fe easily abuses the sort of disclosures an INTP might make.
 

Nighthawk

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Was it the recognition of destruction that stopped this relational route or was it meeting the right person? We both mulled over that yesterday... that is, if he would change if he met the right girl.

It was a little of both. The realization that I was hurting people was an eye-opener after I was hurt myself several times in the same way. Selfish realization, I suppose. Meeting a person who was willing to fight ... really fight ... to keep me was an eye-opener as well. It was amazing to find a person who, after I screwed up, didn't just throw me away ... but rather fought to straighten me out and was there for me. Mind you, she doesn't tolerate indescretions on my part, but she is willing to work though my past with me. Having somebody who really cares about me that much, makes me think twice before I act nowsdays.
 
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