[INFP] INFP Anger?

[lindsay5889]

I know there have been a lot of topics about this lately, but I wonder if other INFP's or NF's or any other types do this. Do you get in fights with people when you are just so mad where you're unreasonable, and furious, but you can't bring yourself to say the really mean stuff you may have been thinking for forever but never said? Or you do and later you feel so guilty and want to apologize/do apologize and realize that it really wasn't worth it for all the guilt?

Ok totally different scenario, do you find that some people you will NEVER get mad at or say mean things to, but like one person (like a family member) you will actually say really mean things to and get mad at all the time?

For me, it's so weird because I absolutely hate fighting with friends, and if I do get into a fight, never say the things I know will really hurt them, I just try and end it without backing down on my side.

 

[Oleander]

Umm in one word YES

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

What? no. I get mad at my friends all the time and I yell at them when they are being silly/stupid.

I do NOT yell or get mad at strangers or acquaintances though.. thats just rude.

 

[disregard]

I tend to enjoy disagreements. It feels good. It's gets the blood flowing in a relationship.

Nothing like the bad kind of tension. The vague, buzzing, anxious tension... Yech.

I like to say what needs to be said. I don't really keep things in the back of my mind. If I choose not to bring something up, it's because I've gotten over it, or am at least trying to.

 

[niki]

I tend to enjoy disagreements. It feels good. It's gets the blood flowing in a relationship.

Nothing like the bad kind of tension. The vague, buzzing, anxious tension... Yech.

I like to say what needs to be said. I don't really keep things in the back of my mind. If I choose not to bring something up, it's because I've gotten over it, or am at least trying to.

wow..i really wish i could be like you.
'cuz dragging & hiding the true feelings usually never lead me into a happy life.
but alas, after 5-6 years, i even still found it hard to change into more assertive & no "winding words", just straight to the point.

i do wonder, disregard,
were you always like this,
or you've gone through some 'hard' process , until you finally be able to be like you are now (ie: saying straight-forwardly, don't keep things constantly back in mind,..which IMO, really one MAJOR problems for INFP, & i would even say, most INFP, including me) ?

and for those of you who've changed from being passive (or aggressive, ie: "pointless, unfocused anger") into assertive person, can you tell or advise how or what made you finally changed into being that?

please share.

 

[blanclait]

^
as NT, i'm supposed to like arguments and discussions. But often i don't (with people, on paper, etc is different story). I rather keep things peaceful in terms of relationship and life.

Reason is simple, it got annoying.
there were just way too many people who are narrow minded, with the typical "sensor's argument," in theories, etc (which is is usually what i talk about)

 

[disregard]

niki, it did take time for me to be like that. I used to have a helpless, possibly passive aggressive approach to my relationships, but one day I threw all that out of the window and decided to grow up. The process consisted of giving my inner voice some, or lots, of "say" in what I choose to communicate to the people in my life, which I had previously avoided out of fear of being vulnerable to rejection, which I decided wouldn't rule my life anymore.

But, I should clarify, I do not identify with the OP in harboring "really mean stuff you may have been thinking for forever but never said".. It's not because I'm a "good" person, but I'm just pretty easy-going and don't really have a lot of opinions on people.

 

[BerberElla]

I know there have been a lot of topics about this lately, but I wonder if other INFP's or NF's or any other types do this. Do you get in fights with people when you are just so mad where you're unreasonable, and furious, but you can't bring yourself to say the really mean stuff you may have been thinking for forever but never said? Or you do and later you feel so guilty and want to apologize/do apologize and realize that it really wasn't worth it for all the guilt?

Ok totally different scenario, do you find that some people you will NEVER get mad at or say mean things to, but like one person (like a family member) you will actually say really mean things to and get mad at all the time?

For me, it's so weird because I absolutely hate fighting with friends, and if I do get into a fight, never say the things I know will really hurt them, I just try and end it without backing down on my side.

I do this all the time , I want to let loose and unsult them until they cry yet i don't, I just keep it bottled up and then one day go nuts and get into fights instead.

I feel angry alot of the time, and yes there are some people I never get angry with, but some people rub me up the wrong way. I had one friend who kept winding me up so badly I don't think I have had a friend I fought with physically so often.

Mind you that was back when I was 18, I'm alot older now and don'[t get into fights as often, only with strangers who rub me up the wrong way and they pretty much take the brunt of my anger that I can't direct at the people directly responsible for the rage.

It's been quite different since I read the INFP type description, especially about the bottling up and snapping, since I read that I have made more effort to talk to people I care about before it gets to that stage. So at least there's an awareness to work from now.

 

[Mondo]

My ISFP sister is like this.
She only gets mad at people who she knows will forgive her afterward, such as me and other family members.
I can't not forgive her and we never had any big disagreements- so if I'm the one she takes her anger out on- let it be.

I am someone who disagrees for the sake of disagreeing. So, that doesn't help.

If I get angry at someone, I'm usually responding to anger from them.
If I have a disagreement or problem with someone, I will calmly reason with them.

If I don't want a compromise, watch out, I get real :steam:.
The inferior Te takes over.

What I do..
If they listen to reason= I give them reason
If they don't listen to reason= Let the 'games' begin

 

[niki]

It's been quite different since I read the INFP type description, especially about the bottling up and snapping, since I read that I have made more effort to talk to people I care about before it gets to that stage. So at least there's an awareness to work from now.

does doing it make your life harder, or much easier now?
compared to the method that you're using in the past, which one would you choose/prefer? which one had a better result?
and how HARD was it to learn that (ie: "effort to talk to people you care before it gets to that uncontrollable-anger stage") ?
how did you do the 'inner-workings' inside yourself, until you've finally have the GUTS to just calmly tell the people for what it is, rather than waiting until you exploed (your method in the past?)

you know,
i really salute and admire for those INFPs who've managed to talk in assertive way, straight-to-the-point, and without fear, sustained anger, and most importantly, not to seek approval and pleasing everybody!
because....i'm still struggling....very hard with it! (it's already been 4 years, for god-sake! and indeed, i still haven't got enough GUTS to boldly be assertive. perhaps disregard is right, the key is to give my inner-voice more "say" , as it's supposed to be!)

 

[BerberElla]

does doing it make your life harder, or much easier now?
compared to the method that you're using in the past, which one would you choose/prefer? which one had a better result?
and how HARD was it to learn that (ie: "effort to talk to people you care before it gets to that uncontrollable-anger stage") ?
how did you do the 'inner-workings' inside yourself, until you've finally have the GUTS to just calmly tell the people for what it is, rather than waiting until you exploed (your method in the past?)

Honestly I am still way at the beginning of getting a grip on it, I don't always say what's bothering me still now, the only difference being is that before I feel the snap coming on I talk myself into saying something.

There are still some people in my life (like my ESFJ sister) who I see no point in talking to when I'm about to snap at her, because I know it would be a wasted conversation. She deserves every ounce of my rage once I'm at that level lol.

It's not easier of harder, all it is is an awareness to work upon, a knowing that if I talk now I can prevent losing it towards someone I care about. It doesn't always happen, but I have moments in which I manage it. The moments I do manage it has been prompted by remembering that this is something I want to work on, remembering that it's an INFP weakness, and mentally talking myself through it with the remembrance mantra.

 

[Synarch]

The only thing I've noticed like this with INFP's is that they are so sensitive that when they really care about something it must physically hurt them or something because they will have an outburst and get angry yet this anger is not really directed at anyone. They will complain about people when they're not around rather than confront someone directly.

I worked with an INFP designer who was very talented yet he cared so much about the integrity of his work that it really bothered him to do anything he felt violated that, like if the client wanted to add something stupid. Generally, the best approach was to try to explain your position while acknowledging his desire to want things "good".

 

[Dwigie]

The only thing I've noticed like this with INFP's is that they are so sensitive that when they really care about something it must physically hurt them or something because they will have an outburst and get angry yet this anger is not really directed at anyone. They will complain about people when they're not around rather than confront someone directly.

I worked with an INFP designer who was very talented yet he cared so much about the integrity of his work that it really bothered him to do anything he felt violated that, like if the client wanted to add something stupid. Generally, the best approach was to try to explain your position while acknowledging his desire to want things "good".

Not infp but...
right on target.(I get lenghty "panic pangs" in my chest, guilt, anger pangs as well. When I'm depressed it's as if I had been exhaling too deeply and opposite for "joyful?".But they last long so I monitor my relationships carefully or I'd get into pretty bad shape.

 

[kiddykat]

I get this way too. If I get really mad at someone, and i know what I'm thinking is ULTRA mean, I keep it to myself. Sometimes, even when people are mad, they do speak truth. In other words, they do spit out what they've really been feeling. Not that they were thinking irrationally, but it truly was what they felt inside.

If I don't like something about someone/they deliberately try to pick fights with me, I don't resort to saying things I know would really hurt them deep-down-inside, because it's true. In my eyes, those who do, mostly do it out of lack of worth/self-projection.

Sometimes, the most sensitive topics about a person are something I personally would not cross despite how angry I am. It's a matter of showing someone some kind of dignity even if they're acting like a foe.

 

[Dwigie]

I get this way too. If I get really mad at someone, and i know what I'm thinking is ULTRA mean, I keep it to myself. Sometimes, even when people are mad, they do speak truth. In other words, they do spit out what they've really been feeling. Not that they were thinking irrationally, but it truly was what they felt inside.

If I don't like something about someone/they deliberately try to pick fights with me, I don't resort to saying things I know would really hurt them deep-down-inside, because it's true. In my eyes, those who do, mostly do it out of lack of worth/self-projection.

Sometimes, the most sensitive topics about a person are something I personally would not cross despite how angry I am. It's a matter of showing someone some kind of dignity even if they're acting like a foe.

I won't lie, I've sometimes stepped out of line.
Keeping things inside results in the above...not good.Not good.
I just go away nowadays but when I was a kid I'd curse people out no matter who they were. But now I have a huge self-control I didn't know I had.

 

[Nonsensical]

YES and I'm kind of glad to hear that other INFPs feel the same way, because I always feel terrible when I get so mad at someone, it rives me to thinnking really mean things :\, and I don't mean any of them..

 

[lindsay5889]

[q]Sometimes, the most sensitive topics about a person are something I personally would not cross despite how angry I am. It's a matter of showing someone some kind of dignity even if they're acting like a foe.[/q]

This is what kills me. Because when I'm mad at people I can't say why I'm really mad, because it's usually something about their personality or something they do that makes me furious, and it's just crossing a line to tell them that. So I just get blow up and get mad at them for things I don't care about rather than tell them the truth and be cruel. So after I fight one time with someone, I keep fighting with them more and more because I get more and more frustrated with whatever they're doing and can't tell them.

 

[GZA]

I was an angry kid. Like I was fucking apeshit, people were afraid of me. If you asked my close friends and neighbors where they thought I'd be at 17 they'd say I'd be in a courthouse for beating someone senseless or soemthing . Or that I'd be missing everything in my life to go get high. I'm not even joking, that would be the logical sequence of events based on how I reacted to things.

At some point I changed though, just as I got older and started to truely become concious of actions and reactions and other people and everything. When I started playing guitar, that gave me a lot of peace, too. I went through a way-too-nice-guy phase for like a year or two, as well, which was bassically just way overcompensation, and I've since then basically cleaned up the mess from that. I'm not sure if this is even relevant to anger anymore, but fuck it, it needs to be said. All that -angry, too-nice, ect, is all from being dishonest or unfair to yourself. I didn't know what I wanted, and rather then acknowledging my weak point and making it stronger I just lashed out. Rather then going with the flow, I tried to disrupt it. When I over-changed into the too-nice guy, I was going with the flow without being involved in it. I may have begun to know what I wanted, but I wasn't honest with myself about it, I wasn't honest in my actions with my intentions and values, and it crumbled. All you have to do is look at your intentions and needs/wants and make your actions/words follow suit. This way nothing gets bottled up, either. You go with the flow, and help shape the flow, too, even if that means some real conflict with yourself and your surroundings.

I don't get angry at other people anymore, either. The way I see it, it all has to do with the flow. Those people will get whatever their attitude and actions will serve them -I don't even need to say or do a thing, or even think a thing, it will happen anyway. Their outcome is the sum of their habits, so who am I to condem them?

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Its a great thing when you find that balance. I spent alot of my life on extremes as well. I was either too confrontational or I was too much of a pushover. Both ways I never really got what I wanted and I've learned to live my life more in the middle.

What I keep learning from this whole personality deal is to be "balanced in all things." And it really does seem to work best that way for me.

 

[kiddykat]

I'm at fault for when I get mean/explode when I'm really mad, but not to the extent of vindictiveness, even though in my mind, my blunt & honest assessment about that person could really hurt. That's what I mean.

For instance, if someone who's cocky thinks they're ultra good looking, buff, drives a monster-truck talks like they're the shit sent from above. If I'm mad/get into a fight with them, I could not just flat out say, "I'm sorry. Small packages come in big cars, don't they??" I just for the life of me, cannot blurt out anything cruel like that. Boundaries are important- some lines we just really shouldn't cross, no matter how angry we are, especially when it comes to a person's physical or mental attributes. It could really hurt.

That's why if I know I don't get along with someone, I'd rather just avoid them in general so that the mean thoughts I have of them don't even have to cross my mind, which is also another reason why I'm not good at kissing butt/bureaucracy. Being personally vindictive and sucking up are two things I inherently cannot force myself to do. I just can't! =)