gandalf-white
New member
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2018
- Messages
- 6
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9
I had a 2.5 year friendship with this woman (I’m 41, she’s 36 and an ENTP). It had been strictly platonic, at her behest. However, see would call me her “partner in crime†and “best friend.†Over the course of our friendship I did develop feelings for her, wanted more, and expressed that several times. She always responded “I only ever want friendship,†which was fine and I put my desires aside because we had really good times together… traveled together, lived together, etc. Even slept in the same bed together when necessary.
Anyway, while in separate countries, she started “seeing†this guy (I’d seen her “date†guys before and they never seemed to last very long). I moved back to the country she was in about two weeks after this started. Our reunion was great and our mutual appreciation for each other seemed to increase.
I then went traveling on my own (extend travel, 3 months in Italy). After a couple of months, she surprised me by announcing she was coming to stay with me for a week. Upon arriving it was like old times… she told me, as she has many times in the past, “You feel like home to me.†During the catchup, she expressed things were in a rocky place with her and this guy. I should have asked more about it, but to me it seemed like they had broken up.
The second night she was there, our relationship became more… she initiated sex. We fell asleep naked and cuddling. By all accounts it was great. She said it was “hot†and “why haven’t we fucked before?†She even said she loved me while having sex.
The next day, things went sideways (partly due to AirBnB canceling on us and the stress of trying to find another place to stay on NYE). She became hyper critical of me, said she was on longer attracted to me, and that sex would never happen again. Being the stupidly insightful INFJ that I am, I asked her if she was feeling guilty (about cheating on this guy). She said she was.
Things were really tense the rest of the week. With her continuing to be rather nasty toward me and being hyper critical of just about everything I did or didn’t do.
A couple weeks later, she demands that I apologize to this other guy because he was deeply hurt by my actions (she told him about it). In my mind I was being a comfort to her, and while I’m sorry he was hurt, it’s not my responsibility. And therefore, told her I was not willing to do that. She then said she couldn’t spend any more time with me and basically cut me out of her life for 4 months.
She got back in touch with me recently (two weeks ago). Apparently, when things with this other guy were in another rough place (she caught him stringing other women along and basically beat him up). She still questioned my ethics of not apologizing to this guy. I stood my ground… perhaps too stubborn?
Questions:
Should I have apologized to this guy? Was I wrong to sleep with her? Should I simply cut her out of my life (I find this really difficult as I love her dearly)? Or is the healthy thing to remain friends, but keep her at arms length for my own well being?
Anyway, while in separate countries, she started “seeing†this guy (I’d seen her “date†guys before and they never seemed to last very long). I moved back to the country she was in about two weeks after this started. Our reunion was great and our mutual appreciation for each other seemed to increase.
I then went traveling on my own (extend travel, 3 months in Italy). After a couple of months, she surprised me by announcing she was coming to stay with me for a week. Upon arriving it was like old times… she told me, as she has many times in the past, “You feel like home to me.†During the catchup, she expressed things were in a rocky place with her and this guy. I should have asked more about it, but to me it seemed like they had broken up.
The second night she was there, our relationship became more… she initiated sex. We fell asleep naked and cuddling. By all accounts it was great. She said it was “hot†and “why haven’t we fucked before?†She even said she loved me while having sex.
The next day, things went sideways (partly due to AirBnB canceling on us and the stress of trying to find another place to stay on NYE). She became hyper critical of me, said she was on longer attracted to me, and that sex would never happen again. Being the stupidly insightful INFJ that I am, I asked her if she was feeling guilty (about cheating on this guy). She said she was.
Things were really tense the rest of the week. With her continuing to be rather nasty toward me and being hyper critical of just about everything I did or didn’t do.
A couple weeks later, she demands that I apologize to this other guy because he was deeply hurt by my actions (she told him about it). In my mind I was being a comfort to her, and while I’m sorry he was hurt, it’s not my responsibility. And therefore, told her I was not willing to do that. She then said she couldn’t spend any more time with me and basically cut me out of her life for 4 months.
She got back in touch with me recently (two weeks ago). Apparently, when things with this other guy were in another rough place (she caught him stringing other women along and basically beat him up). She still questioned my ethics of not apologizing to this guy. I stood my ground… perhaps too stubborn?
Questions:
Should I have apologized to this guy? Was I wrong to sleep with her? Should I simply cut her out of my life (I find this really difficult as I love her dearly)? Or is the healthy thing to remain friends, but keep her at arms length for my own well being?