[INFJ] INFP About to die of a broken heart; Need INFJ help to understand this girl Please

[Excitant]

Sorry but this is a duplicate post I first posted in the members only relationship sub forum.
It was not getting any traffic in the sub forum and I'm about to die of a broken heart... So please forgive me for double posting but I will gladly get into trouble to try and save my relationship..


Hey guys,

I'm in dire need of some help. Seriously before I lose her....

So I'm an INFP male and found this amazing INFJ female on a personality forum (not here).
She's 35, I'm 36. We live 4 states and 1800 miles apart from each other.

We started off messaging 2-3 pages at a time to each other progressing to endless text messages and phone calls lasting till 2 in the morning and then on to face time.

We have this insane amount of commonality and interest, from music, our faith, world views (and so much more) our wavelength seems identical to each other in this almost magical way. It's been the most amazing 51 days of my life. I'm not exaggerating this either!!!

It all happened kinda fast and was a little intense. She had flat stated that she liked me early on and me the same. We both also admitted that we found the longing each of us was searching for in one another.

She being the INFJ with those scary forecasting abilities understood every issue that might plague us in a relationship; the only major one she seemed to be concerned about was the distance. She asked me if I'd would be willing to move eventually and If I wasn't then it wouldn't be worth starting this relationship. I gave it serious thought and came to a decision that I would gladly move.

I know what you might think too, but our life circumstances would allow me to move but not her. She has 2 children that still see their dad (long since ex). She is also a established teacher. Me, Having nothing to keep me here other than some not so close family that I could come see once/twice a year for holidays. It's just more practical for me to move. I'd rather live in her town than my big mean city anyway.


So I know she was into me because she kept sending me articles about INFP/INFJ relationship compatibility and harmony as well as INFP only articles and asking questions about me very intensely. (It was so nice) She also kept touching on ideas about a future together; It all seemed so fairy tale like.

She was understanding and responsive to my emotions and I to hers.
Everything seemed great and on track.... Until one night


One night completely out of the blue with zero indication; she stated in a text that she thought everything moved too fast and she wanted to go back to just being friends..
She said she had this feeling like it's what she was supposed to do...
She further stated that she just didn't know how she felt about me all together and that she isn't sure that she wants to be anything more than just friends...

(!?!?!?!?!?!)

My heart literally broke into two pieces as fell and then shattered into a million pieces as it hit the floor. (I haven't stopped crying since it happened)

I told her that I was so so sorry for making her feel pressured or overwhelmed in any way. If it was time she needed or what ever that I would do anything she needed of me.
All I could get from her is that she didn;t have any answers and she didn't know what to say/tell me.

I told her that i would not be able to ever just be friends. Not after what we formed. She made me fall deeply and madly in love with her. A real love. I never said the words I love you to her though. I thought it was too soon for that. This is something I am willing to fight for and go to the ends of the earth for.

Knowing not to push an INFJ too hard, I backed off and haven't spoken to her for two days....

Am I screwed?

Does this mean that we are over? Does she just need time to think things over?

What do I need to do? I will do ANYTHING!!!!!


PLEASE Help!! I am going crazy in agony here


Thanks for listening

 

[Avocado]

Sorry but this is a duplicate post I first posted in the members only relationship sub forum.
It was not getting any traffic in the sub forum and I'm about to die of a broken heart... So please forgive me for double posting but I will gladly get into trouble to try and save my relationship..


Hey guys,

I'm in dire need of some help. Seriously before I lose her....

So I'm an INFP male and found this amazing INFJ female on a personality forum (not here).
She's 35, I'm 36. We live 4 states and 1800 miles apart from each other.

We started off messaging 2-3 pages at a time to each other progressing to endless text messages and phone calls lasting till 2 in the morning and then on to face time.

We have this insane amount of commonality and interest, from music, our faith, world views (and so much more) our wavelength seems identical to each other in this almost magical way. It's been the most amazing 51 days of my life. I'm not exaggerating this either!!!

It all happened kinda fast and was a little intense. She had flat stated that she liked me early on and me the same. We both also admitted that we found the longing each of us was searching for in one another.

She being the INFJ with those scary forecasting abilities understood every issue that might plague us in a relationship; the only major one she seemed to be concerned about was the distance. She asked me if I'd would be willing to move eventually and If I wasn't then it wouldn't be worth starting this relationship. I gave it serious thought and came to a decision that I would gladly move.

I know what you might think too, but our life circumstances would allow me to move but not her. She has 2 children that still see their dad (long since ex). She is also a established teacher. Me, Having nothing to keep me here other than some not so close family that I could come see once/twice a year for holidays. It's just more practical for me to move. I'd rather live in her town than my big mean city anyway.


So I know she was into me because she kept sending me articles about INFP/INFJ relationship compatibility and harmony as well as INFP only articles and asking questions about me very intensely. (It was so nice) She also kept touching on ideas about a future together; It all seemed so fairy tale like.

She was understanding and responsive to my emotions and I to hers.
Everything seemed great and on track.... Until one night


One night completely out of the blue with zero indication; she stated in a text that she thought everything moved too fast and she wanted to go back to just being friends..
She said she had this feeling like it's what she was supposed to do...
She further stated that she just didn't know how she felt about me all together and that she isn't sure that she wants to be anything more than just friends...

(!?!?!?!?!?!)

My heart literally broke into two pieces as fell and then shattered into a million pieces as it hit the floor. (I haven't stopped crying since it happened)

I told her that I was so so sorry for making her feel pressured or overwhelmed in any way. If it was time she needed or what ever that I would do anything she needed of me.
All I could get from her is that she didn;t have any answers and she didn't know what to say/tell me.

I told her that i would not be able to ever just be friends. Not after what we formed. She made me fall deeply and madly in love with her. A real love. I never said the words I love you to her though. I thought it was too soon for that. This is something I am willing to fight for and go to the ends of the earth for.

Knowing not to push an INFJ too hard, I backed off and haven't spoken to her for two days....

Am I screwed?

Does this mean that we are over? Does she just need time to think things over?

What do I need to do? I will do ANYTHING!!!!!


PLEASE Help!! I am going crazy in agony here


Thanks for listening

Just remember that in 1000 years, you and everything you have ever done will be forgotten. You are insignificant and common. Nothing you do matters, because nothing anybody does matters. There is no meaning to anything beyond what you make of it. Channel your angst into making money. Money may not buy happiness, but it can rent it. Stay busy and time will ease your pain. Its best not to dwell on emotional pain.

Low-impact, low-intensity exercise can help with mood, too. Exercise alters your brain chemistry and makes emitional recovery easier. [MENTION=20113]Tellenbach[/MENTION] can give you other helpful tips, too. He is an expert at this kind of thing.

 

[Luminous]

Stop being an asshole, Wailing Specter.

 

[Avocado]

Stop being an asshole, Wailing Specter.

it was friendly advice. If you want him to suffer, go ahead and make him wallow.

 

[Excitant]

it was friendly advice. If you want him to suffer, go ahead and make him wallow.

Friendly in a dark way... I'll admit. No hard feelings

 

[Avocado]

Friendly in a dark way... I'll admit. No hard feelings

Ultimately, it was a bandaid I had to rip off. I just try to help others as well.

 

[Excitant]

Ultimately, it was a bandaid I had to rip off. I just try to help others as well.

Yeah.. I think that's what she was doing too

 

[Luminous]

Ultimately, it was a bandaid I had to rip off. I just try to help others as well.

You have very little understanding of emotions if you think money can be a true substitute for love.

 

[Excitant]

You have very little understanding of emotions if you think money can be a true substitute for love.

You're right. Throwing money at it will not get you over the emotions... It only delays the healing IMHO. What needs to happen is to hit the emotions head on and even if it almost kills me.... at least then the healing can begin to happen and the long term hurt will fade much faster.

 

[Wunjo]

Just remember that in 1000 years, you and everything you have ever done will be forgotten. You are insignificant and common. Nothing you do matters, because nothing anybody does matters. There is no meaning to anything beyond what you make of it. Channel your angst into making money. Money may not buy happiness, but it can rent it. Stay busy and time will ease your pain. Its best not to dwell on emotional pain.

Low-impact, low-intensity exercise can help with mood, too. Exercise alters your brain chemistry and makes emitional recovery easier. [MENTION=20113]Tellenbach[/MENTION] can give you other helpful tips, too. He is an expert at this kind of thing.

Kid, faking it 'till you make it won't do you any good. It's in your forum title, it's in the gigantic amount of your signature and the message you try to convey... you yourself don't believe it. You act like you do believe it but I know, you don't.

 

[Avocado]

Kid, faking it 'till you make it won't do you any good. It's in your forum title, it's in the gigantic amount of your signature and the message you try to convey... you yourself don't believe it. You act like you do believe it but I know, you don't.

The past is past. You cannot change it. If you at least don’t think about it and don’t ruminate on it, you can minimize the pain it causes you.

There are two primary solutions to pain from the past—you can bury it with wealth, or you can turn over your wrists. The former might work, the later will kill you.

Life is shitty, but it ends at death. Don’t expect much—unless you have money, then you can do something interesting a few years before you are dragged into the earth. Money is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its not perfect, but its the best we have.

 

[prplchknz]

The past is past. You cannot change it. If you at least don’t think about it and don’t ruminate on it, you can minimize the pain it causes you.

There are two primary solutions to pain from the past—you can bury it with wealth, or you can turn over your wrists. The former might work, the later will kill you.

Life is shitty, but it ends at death. Don’t expect much—unless you have money, then you can do something interesting a few years before you are dragged into the earth. Money is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its not perfect, but its the best we have.

this is shit advice and you know it.

 

[Population: 1]

Sounds like she thrilled at the idea of a relationship and the closer it came to being realized with solid commitments and you uprooting your life (despite your willingness to do so it may feel like pressure to her to succeed because you’re sacrificing time and energy to be with her) she panicked and closed off. Like someone going skydiving for the first time and being excited but nervous and then when the planes at altitude and the door opens they freeze.

That’s what it sounds like to someone who has next to no information about her background and her relationship with relationships in general. It doesn’t sound like she’s toying with you, it’s sounds like she’s pausing to take stock. Seeing as she has kids from a prior relationship she’s obviously made commitments before and for whatever reason or more likely a multitude of them, it didn’t work. A whole lot of pain is attached to that experience most likely. The fear of something else turning out that way could be overwhelming for her.

Again pure speculation on my part not knowing her personally. 51 Days is a relatively short amount of time. I have no doubt two people can fall deeply for one another quickly and make a go of it but perhaps she began to feel like it was too fast for her.

The thing you’re going to have to do and the thing that will feel like an eternity for you is wait. Wait to see if she will explain in more detail why she hit the brakes. If she’s reeling herself from powerful emotions it will be near impossible for her to explain to you what she’s still trying to make sense of herself.

Idk I know that’s not much in the way of help but I figured it’s better than telling you to attempt to buy your way out of emotional turmoil.

 

[Stigmata]

The past is past. You cannot change it. If you at least don’t think about it and don’t ruminate on it, you can minimize the pain it causes you.

There are two primary solutions to pain from the past—you can bury it with wealth, or you can turn over your wrists. The former might work, the later will kill you.

Life is shitty, but it ends at death. Don’t expect much—unless you have money, then you can do something interesting a few years before you are dragged into the earth. Money is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its not perfect, but its the best we have.

 

[prplchknz]

she sounds scared tbh and perhaps for now you should respect her wishes if you can if you think it's too painful to just be friends then maybe as much as it hurts just break it off completely. I dunno I'm trying to counteract a certain someone telling you to bury yourself in money and the only two options are slitting your wrist or making tons of money which isn't true and honestly crap advice and don't listen to him. what i'm saying don't force anything or it will blow up in your face and neither one of you would be happy. Of course i don't know the full story.

 

[Avocado]

this is shit advice and you know it.

You can’t always get what you want in life. At best, you can rent the next best thing, assuming you have made wise financial choices.

True love is dead. “Love” these days is conditional. You have to put out or get out.

 

[prplchknz]

You can’t always get what you want in life. At best, you can rent the next best thing, assuming you have made wise financial choices.

True love is dead. “Love” these days is conditional. You have to put out or get out.

just stop. no one's saying you can always get what you want in life but suggesting the only two solutions is money or slitting one wrists is shit advice and you know it. I pray that you don't ever get a job in a helping profession because if you truly believe the bullshit you spew all over the forum you'll cause very vunerable people a ton of harm.

 

[Wunjo]

The past is past. You cannot change it. If you at least don’t think about it and don’t ruminate on it, you can minimize the pain it causes you.

There are two primary solutions to pain from the past—you can bury it with wealth, or you can turn over your wrists. The former might work, the later will kill you.

Life is shitty, but it ends at death. Don’t expect much—unless you have money, then you can do something interesting a few years before you are dragged into the earth. Money is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its not perfect, but its the best we have.

That discarded inferior Si is going to come to bite you back in the ass. When it does, I think you'll be able to face your situation more directly. You are either proposing an unhealthy defense mechanism, a form of repressing your pain with wealth, or you are legitimately saying people to kill themselves.

Are you aware how toxic of a behaviour this is? Are you aware since it's obvious that even you don't believe what you are saying, how weak you look? It's like you are screaming those words and closing your ears with your index fingers, as if in saying "la la la la, I can't hear you."

But you do. I know it, you know it, everybody from Texas to the Great Wall of China knows it.

My advice for you is to find a way to seek professional help. If you were someone who genuinely was embracing what they were preaching, I'd not give such an advice. Despite the fact that you are receiving such a backlash right now, I hope you can swallow that red pill for your own good in the future and actually try to help yourself instead of trying to obviously convince yourself to something that you don't believe in.

And mods, I think you should do something about this because I think suggesting people to kill themselves is against the forum rules.

 

[Avocado]

That discarded inferior Si is going to come to bite you back in the ass. When it does, I think you'll be able to face your situation more directly. You are either proposing an unhealthy defense mechanism, a form of repressing your pain with wealth, or you are legitimately saying people to kill themselves.

Are you aware how toxic of a behaviour this is? Are you aware since it's obvious that even you don't believe what you are saying, how weak you look? It's like you are screaming those words and closing your ears with your index fingers, as if in saying "la la la la, I can't hear you."

But you do. I know it, you know it, everybody from Texas to the Great Wall of China knows it.

My advice for you is to find a way to seek professional help. If you were someone who genuinely was embracing what they were preaching, I'd not give such an advice. Despite the fact that you are receiving such a backlash right now, I hope you can swallow that red pill for your own good in the future and actually try to help yourself instead of trying to obviously convince yourself to something that you don't believe in.

And mods, I think you should do something about this because I think suggesting people to kill themselves is against the forum rules.

To the contrary, I am suggesting he let go of the past, and do something productive to get his mind off things he cannot change. Also, I am already a mental health professional. I am the professional help. While my advice is nonbinding and unofficial, it would behoove you to not demonize wealth and productivity and to focus on fixing the problems you can and living with those cannot.

 

[Luminous]

That discarded inferior Si is going to come to bite you back in the ass. When it does, I think you'll be able to face your situation more directly. You are either proposing an unhealthy defense mechanism, a form of repressing your pain with wealth, or you are legitimately saying people to kill themselves.

Are you aware how toxic of a behaviour this is? Are you aware since it's obvious that even you don't believe what you are saying, how weak you look? It's like you are screaming those words and closing your ears with your index fingers, as if in saying "la la la la, I can't hear you."

But you do. I know it, you know it, everybody from Texas to the Great Wall of China knows it.

My advice for you is to find a way to seek professional help. If you were someone who genuinely was embracing what they were preaching, I'd not give such an advice. Despite the fact that you are receiving such a backlash right now, I hope you can swallow that red pill for your own good in the future and actually try to help yourself instead of trying to obviously convince yourself to something that you don't believe in.

And mods, I think you should do something about this because I think suggesting people to kill themselves is against the forum rules.

[MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION]