[INFJ] INFP About to die of a broken heart; Need INFJ help to understand this girl Please

[Excitant]

Re: Wailing Spector
This is actually exactly what an Si grip looks like.

"Everything sucks, nothing is ever gonna get better, I'm just gonna fucking give up and do the bare minimum, and while I slowly rot away, I'll just continue to blame everyone and everything else and completely neglect to own the contributions/decisions I made which led to this position in my life."

ANYWAY.... back to the topic at hand... question for the OP: I get the feeling that there is some emotional pain that you haven't yet worked through. Sometimes when we have baggage, we think what we should do is up and leave toward some exotic location. But just because you set that baggage down in a new place doesn't mean it's not gonna be there every time you turn around. Maybe you slide it under the bed, but I bet eventually you'll stub your toe on it when you least expect it. Are you recently out of a relationship? Are you divorced? Did someone previously break your heart and abandon you? Perhaps I'm way off, but I just get the impression that you feel you need this woman, and I think if that's the case, then it's possible that she started having a hard time breathing, so to speak. Maybe I'm right, maybe not, but I know I've been in a similar place and that I did move too fast and felt I needed him and only ended up more damaged than before. Perhaps it's worth contemplating why you fear abandonment? (And I think you do, otherwise you probably wouldn't have panicked/broke to this level and would have instead thought of reasons and ways to slow things down for everyone's sake).

Hmmm... You picked up on something that no one else has yet. Smart!!

You are half right though.

First I know I don't need her but have found something in her that I've look/longed for all my life. We are just too much alike and clicked too well is why you get that feeling. I'm a real romantic so when I fall I fall hard and fast.

But!! at the same time, yes, I was in an emotional abusive relationship for five and a half years and was only out five months with a bad break up before I met this young lady.

So there sure could be left over feelings lingering.

Something to seriously look in the mirror over. Thank you for seeing that and bringing it to the table.

 

[Excitant]

I also would say that infjs tend to not like super intense feelings. Or maybe I should say they don't trust them. They usually wait until they level out a bit and often if they don't, then they regret not doing so later. I'm not sure if that's the case with her, but giving her some time to process information and come back with new considerations helps. I think we are very susceptible to being swept up in other peoples' convictions of feeling or their enthusiasm, despite not always being able to see how things will work. One-piece of advice I'd have is making her own the decision she makes instead of remaining in limbo forever or postponing facing the difficult things to reconcile. I think we're bad about being proactive about letting things go when they're not working, particularly if the other person is invested or we've really grown to care. Also, I've been most vulnerable to getting swept up by other peoples' enthusiasm when I've been most lonely or without support. Just some things to throw into the mix.

Some things to think over for sure. I get the feeling that she doesn't like intense emotions and they kinda rattle her. She may just have a hard time processing them and needs more time to even out. Hmm.. I know I can totally get swept up in others emotions. And her seeming so upfront about even the idea of marriage probably wasn't the best for me since I totally ran with it and she in turn ran with me.. Lol Now she's probably thinking What Have I Gotten Myself Into!!

 

[asliva1]

I also would say that infjs tend to not like super intense feelings. Or maybe I should say they don't trust them. They usually wait until they level out a bit and often if they don't, then they regret not doing so later. I'm not sure if that's the case with her, but giving her some time to process information and come back with new considerations helps. I think we are very susceptible to being swept up in other peoples' convictions of feeling or their enthusiasm, despite not always being able to see how things will work. One-piece of advice I'd have is making her own the decision she makes instead of remaining in limbo forever or postponing facing the difficult things to reconcile. I think we're bad about being proactive about letting things go when they're not working, particularly if the other person is invested or we've really grown to care. Also, I've been most vulnerable to getting swept up by other peoples' enthusiasm when I've been most lonely or without support. Just some things to throw into the mix.

Yes! If someone comes at me really strongly, 9 out 10 times I'll deny them straight up. I prefer someone to match my own enthusiasm.

 

[Excitant]

Thanks every one for the advise. I've taken a lot of it to heart.

I've asked her to talk with me tonight, so I guess I'd better get off now and quit procrastinating. Lol

Wish me luck everyone.

 

[Redbone]

Much luck to you. I hope both of you get a happy ending and what you need most!

 

[highlander]

51 days, although eventful ones are not a lot for either of you to base a cross country move on. Infjs aren't generally throw all caution to the wind types, particularly when there are other considerations involved too.

It sounds to me even with you that you are still intensely in a pursuit and idealization stage of a relationship. The pain you're feeling has a lot to do with her proximity being withdrawn, rather than it being a tried and true love that is causing the pain. That's not to say that it's not real and intense, but this stage is not the one to make decisions in.

I expect she's realizing that she jumped into this with a lot of intensity and would like to get to know you in a slightly more measured way if this may really be happening. If you don't feel that's possible, then I'd tell her that you need some time with no contact before you can reengage in any other way. If you make her choose to proceed or else nothing, I think nothing is very likely, or if she does proceed, she'll resent you. As someone who has entered relationships before primary concerns were resolved, I will say that it will only end up in anger or heartbreak if you don't give her time to sort the issues out that need her attention. It would be okay I think to ask what her concerns are, but try to give her some space.

I also would say that infjs tend to not like super intense feelings. Or maybe I should say they don't trust them. They usually wait until they level out a bit and often if they don't, then they regret not doing so later. I'm not sure if that's the case with her, but giving her some time to process information and come back with new considerations helps. I think we are very susceptible to being swept up in other peoples' convictions of feeling or their enthusiasm, despite not always being able to see how things will work. One-piece of advice I'd have is making her own the decision she makes instead of remaining in limbo forever or postponing facing the difficult things to reconcile. I think we're bad about being proactive about letting things go when they're not working, particularly if the other person is invested or we've really grown to care. Also, I've been most vulnerable to getting swept up by other peoples' enthusiasm when I've been most lonely or without support. Just some things to throw into the mix.

What do you think the odds are there is someone else? That's the way the behavior strikes me.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Hmmm... You picked up on something that no one else has yet. Smart!!

You are half right though.

First I know I don't need her but have found something in her that I've look/longed for all my life. We are just too much alike and clicked too well is why you get that feeling. I'm a real romantic so when I fall I fall hard and fast.

But!! at the same time, yes, I was in an emotional abusive relationship for five and a half years and was only out five months with a bad break up before I met this young lady.

So there sure could be left over feelings lingering.

Something to seriously look in the mirror over. Thank you for seeing that and bringing it to the table.

This is very similar to myself. I was married to a narcissistic abuser and I entered a relationship with a man about 5 months after kicking my husband out. And yes, I did truly love him, deeply. I also said to myself that I didn't need him, and in hindsight, I know that I was wrong. I did need him, and that's exactly why I shouldn't have been with him. Only after a rocky year-and-a-half and a severely broken heart was I able to stand alone and do the work I needed to do, and it was unbearably painful, to be frank with you.

Love does not need a timetable, but if you push it as if it does, you might end up so hurt after its repeated failure that you push love away entirely, which is what I went on to do after those heartaches and only caused pain to a good man who took care of my heart and soul (I had to learn to accept love that didn't come with drama and fire). That man forgave me time and time again and fought gently for us, but had he not, I would have just ended up hurting myself again and dragging others through my wreckage (which I did anyway but we've since forgiven and healed).

Just be careful with your heart because it actually only belongs to you.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

What do you think the odds are there is someone else? That's the way the behavior strikes me.

Possible but I don't think necessarily likely. She's a mom... I think it's natural to suddenly pull back out of fear and the instinct to protect. She probably has her own emotional baggage as well.

 

[Fidelia]

Yeah, not saying it can't happen, but it's not usually an infj MO, especially at that stage of the relationship. I think it's more likely that she wanted to ask questions about the future viability of the relationship in theory without expecting it would come to pass immediately.

I think Peter Deadpan's advice is dead on. Five months is a very short time to recover from a long-term emotionally abusive relationship (or any relationship at all really). Often those relationship issues also stretch back even further to familial patterns that you may be unconscious of. Skipping over the emotions that come with rebuilding your life alone just pushes that work forward and is much harder to do with someone else in the picture, especially when they have children as well. It takes time to even figure out what got you into that type of relationship in the first place, and what changes you need to make before embarking on something new. No doubt she also has some baggage that needs time to work through as well. Give the whole thing some time. If it's the once in a lifetime connection you believe it to be, I think it will be waiting for you. If it isn't, then you can chaulk it upto being a product of the emotional circumstances of you both at that point in time.

 

[Yuurei]

You get what you give. If you resign yourself to a pitiful existence that is what you will get.

As for the actual topic, I have no advice. I think that LDR's (especially over the internet) are a very poor idea. But that isn't helpful at all.

 

[Kas]

Hope you managed to talk to her. Talking from INFP point of view- I imagine it would be difficult to forgive yourself if you didn't make things clear and because of that it wouldn't work out.
Just take under consideration that sometimes we tend to idealize people or even the situation especially at the beginning or before of relationship and I think it's even easier at distance.

Best luck!

 

[Fluffywolf]

Long distance is just hard. It requires a massive leap of faith for both and personally I have tried and failed at this exercise.

It is not a bad idea to step back, allow for some room. The main issue with long distance is the lack of direct contact and it leaves a lot in a relationship to be desired.

I would step back. Continue being a friend and keep the amount of contact enough to keep things healthy and organise a few get togethers without expectations, just feeling each other out.

Also dont expect to become intimate when meeting irl, in fact I would try to avoid it. Going ham on intimacy and then seperating again isnt going to be helpful. I personally did this in a long distance relationship, had a couple of great days, sure. But after that it all came crashing down pretty hard. Have to say I was a lot younger then you are now though.

 

[AI_INTJ]

I've had this happen before, and it is extremely painful. Sometimes people do things that seem really unfair, and there's just no way to know what is the "right" or "wrong" thing to do. A little space has probably been good, but the sad reality is it's easy to let go of someone you've never met — even if you felt like you were falling in love. I personally don't quite understand the sharp edges of that, but it has happened to me, and I don't think it's uncommon.

 

[Excitant]

So... No luck Monday night She wouldn't talk on the phone (but seemed like she wanted too) and texting was about non existent at 10-30 minute intervals. I could tell she was anxious but did kinda wanted to talk. SHe just kept saying "I dunno... I dunno what I want" so I just said good night and let her go to bed.

Tuesday she did text some throughout the day.... Sent a song she had just found and liked so I thought things were going Ok... I had a little hope.
Last night I couldn't take it anymore and spammed her with how I felt then apologized for causing her unease and then let her be.
I just wanted her to know exactly how I felt. I laid it all out on the table and told her she didn't need to respond but just to please think about what I said.
I could tell she started to climb back into her shell... I knew It would do that to her but I don't think I pushed her away too much.

I'm going to back off almost completely and let her process all this information. Hopefully after she thinks things through, she'll start to miss me and want to re-engage.

Only time will tell now.

Thanks again everyone for all the advise and support!!

 

[Excitant]

Hope you managed to talk to her. Talking from INFP point of view- I imagine it would be difficult to forgive yourself if you didn't make things clear and because of that it wouldn't work out.
Just take under consideration that sometimes we tend to idealize people or even the situation especially at the beginning or before of relationship and I think it's even easier at distance.

Best luck!

I did. I laid it all out on the table even thought I knew it pushed her a little.... But I had to tell her how I felt and make things clear. So now I've backed off and will let her process all of this.
Thanks!

Long distance is just hard. It requires a massive leap of faith for both and personally I have tried and failed at this exercise.

It is not a bad idea to step back, allow for some room. The main issue with long distance is the lack of direct contact and it leaves a lot in a relationship to be desired.

I would step back. Continue being a friend and keep the amount of contact enough to keep things healthy and organise a few get togethers without expectations, just feeling each other out.

Also dont expect to become intimate when meeting irl, in fact I would try to avoid it. Going ham on intimacy and then seperating again isnt going to be helpful. I personally did this in a long distance relationship, had a couple of great days, sure. But after that it all came crashing down pretty hard. Have to say I was a lot younger then you are now though.

I'm stepping back for now, but I did give her the option to meet in real life. I told her straight how I felt and that I'd fly out to see her as friends for like one day... one afternoon but at her timing and when she was ready. Now I have the hard road of waiting for her to process and make a decision with all of this.

I've had this happen before, and it is extremely painful. Sometimes people do things that seem really unfair, and there's just no way to know what is the "right" or "wrong" thing to do. A little space has probably been good, but the sad reality is it's easy to let go of someone you've never met — even if you felt like you were falling in love. I personally don't quite understand the sharp edges of that, but it has happened to me, and I don't think it's uncommon.

It's seemingly unfair but for her it's self protection and I can understand that... Doesn't make it any easier on me though. I'm just feeling it out as I go. I'll back almost all the way off but still keep in contact so she doesn't feel so uncomfortable "IF" she wants to reconnect

Thanks!

 

[Excitant]

What do you think the odds are there is someone else? That's the way the behavior strikes me.

I thought this too but that's unsolicited fear on my part. I really don't think that's the case and for some of the reason Deadpan mentioned.

This is very similar to myself. I was married to a narcissistic abuser and I entered a relationship with a man about 5 months after kicking my husband out. And yes, I did truly love him, deeply. I also said to myself that I didn't need him, and in hindsight, I know that I was wrong. I did need him, and that's exactly why I shouldn't have been with him. Only after a rocky year-and-a-half and a severely broken heart was I able to stand alone and do the work I needed to do, and it was unbearably painful, to be frank with you.

Love does not need a timetable, but if you push it as if it does, you might end up so hurt after its repeated failure that you push love away entirely, which is what I went on to do after those heartaches and only caused pain to a good man who took care of my heart and soul (I had to learn to accept love that didn't come with drama and fire). That man forgave me time and time again and fought gently for us, but had he not, I would have just ended up hurting myself again and dragging others through my wreckage (which I did anyway but we've since forgiven and healed).

Just be careful with your heart because it actually only belongs to you.

So sorry to hear that. Must have been horribly painful.. I'm glad that you've reconciled and grown out of it instead of letting it destroy you.

THe last thing I want to do to this girl is expose her to my past and any baggage that's still left over that I may still be unloading.
I've tried really hard to think about everything I've said and done so I'm not falling back into those old patterns that only time can erase.

I'm tying not to push her away but needed to lay out exactly how I felt and make things clear. I can see how easy it would be to ruin everything by overwhelming her begging for her love. So now I wait

Yeah, not saying it can't happen, but it's not usually an infj MO, especially at that stage of the relationship. I think it's more likely that she wanted to ask questions about the future viability of the relationship in theory without expecting it would come to pass immediately.

I think Peter Deadpan's advice is dead on. Five months is a very short time to recover from a long-term emotionally abusive relationship (or any relationship at all really). Often those relationship issues also stretch back even further to familial patterns that you may be unconscious of. Skipping over the emotions that come with rebuilding your life alone just pushes that work forward and is much harder to do with someone else in the picture, especially when they have children as well. It takes time to even figure out what got you into that type of relationship in the first place, and what changes you need to make before embarking on something new. No doubt she also has some baggage that needs time to work through as well. Give the whole thing some time. If it's the once in a lifetime connection you believe it to be, I think it will be waiting for you. If it isn't, then you can chaulk it upto being a product of the emotional circumstances of you both at that point in time.

Yeah, I think you're right about INFJ MO... I guess being an INFP and mirroring emotions and the speed and intensity that I thought I felt from her just ramped things up so much it made her head spin and start to question how she really felt to begin with... Insert Big Foot in Big Mouth

And I'm sure that it didn't help only having 5 short months to heal and move on... The only thing that I think made it even possible was that I had given almost a full year before I ended the last relationship. So I started to close myself off and not let so much hurt me. It was stupid to stay as long as I did but can't change that now.

 

[brainheart]

[MENTION=36950]Excitant[/MENTION], oh how much I feel what you're going through. I wish you the best and want you to know you are not alone, going through something like this.

Sometimes it feels impossible, feeling things so intensely, and having to wait. By all means try to do something that is valuable to you, that makes you feel better, that validates who you are as a unique individual outside of this relationship. Pull yourself away from it and make sure she is the one to make the next move- don't rationalize texting her or calling her or sending her something that reminds you of her, because it will likely have the opposite effect you want it to. You have to wait for her to act. You have to step away and do your own thing (that has nothing to do with her) to the best of your ability.

 

[Fidelia]

I can imagine if you feel like you lost valuable years of your life in the last relationship that you'd want to almost make up for lost time, particularly with someone who had the qualities you're looking for in a partner.

I also understand how painful it is to really care about someone and have no answers for what exactly is going on or what you can expect to happen in the future. I have a very strong need for closure and would by far prefer bad news than no news at all.

Hopefully she'll catch up with how she's feeling and be able to better explain to you what is going on. I'm not saying every infj is bad at really determining what they feel right away and to what degree and then communicating it, but it can be a tendancy. For me personally, I've found that dealing with a backlog of emotional residue and also being more forthright about my own preferences, needs, or things that bothered me made it much easier to assess how I was really feeling sooner and tell other people. Before that, I would try not to bother other people with my emotional state till I had it figured out and had done everything humanly possible to adjust it myself and only once I'd seen an ongoing pattern or something was especially grievous would I tell someone that something wasn't working for me. This resulted in a pile of things hanging around that were not big enough on their own but which affected me more than I knew till I finally was surprised by the intensity of what I was feeling (and certainly unsuspecting others were). Infjs generally I think tend too much to need safety and invitation to talk along the way, particularly about things that bother them that require other people to make adjustments or see that adjustments need making. They are a bit pessimistic that others will see it if they haven't already, and if the relationship is important, they tend to bury those things much longer than they should which doesn't turn out well for anyone. I can't speak for all infjs, but from what I've read I think it might be a tendancy we have if we are not aware of how it affects us and others negatively.

 

[Excitant]

Well she told me today that she thinks I'm never going to accept her as just a friend and that we should stop talking

I can't do this waiting thing trying to hold onto hope. Not with those(and her other) words bouncing around my head.
I give up.. It's like living my middle school high school career all over again where the girls lead the nice guy on and when the nice guy advances they just want to be friends. No one wants the warm, kind heated "nice guy" Not even at 36 yo...

If you want to know how well I'm taking this just ball your hand up into a fist up and squeeze as hard as you can for 10-15 seconds until you can't stand the pain any more and then let go just ever so slightly.... That's is literally how my heart feels in my chest right now. I physically can't breath or take a full breath.
If I didn't know that it was my broken heart I'd be going to the emergency room right now thinking I'm having a heart attack. It amazes me how a broken heart can physically hurt your body with pain.

It's kinda cruel how she has this ability to just stop feeling things and emotions all the sudden while they linger for eternity with me.

So I told her that she was right and I couldn't be just friends but I really wanted to... Just isn't possible right now.
I told her to hold onto my number and that I would be here for her if she really needed me.
I told her that she stole my heart, whether she wanted it or not and that she would always have a piece of it. A small piece that is gone from me forever. I asked her to promise me that she would guard it for me as that's all I ever had to give anyone.

And no matter who I ever meet in the future no matter how special awesome and spectacular it will be... There will always be this small piece missing that they won't get.

I just want to crawl into my head right now and die.

 

[Frosty]

Well she told me today that she thinks I'm never going to accept her as just a friend and that we should stop talking

I can't do this waiting thing trying to hold onto hope. Not with those(and her other) words bouncing around my head.
I give up.. It's like living my middle school high school career all over again where the girls lead the nice guy on and when the nice guy advances they just want to be friends. No one wants the warm, kind heated "nice guy" Not even at 36 yo...

If you want to know how well I'm taking this just ball your hand up into a fist up and squeeze as hard as you can for 10-15 seconds until you can't stand the pain any more and then let go just ever so slightly.... That's is literally how my heart feels in my chest right now. I physically can't breath or take a full breath.
If I didn't know that it was my broken heart I'd be going to the emergency room right now thinking I'm having a heart attack. It amazes me how a broken heart can physically hurt your body with pain.

It's kinda cruel how she has this ability to just stop feeling things and emotions all the sudden while they linger for eternity with me.

So I told her that she was right and I couldn't be just friends but I really wanted to... Just isn't possible right now.
I told her to hold onto my number and that I would be here for her if she really needed me.
I told her that she stole my heart, whether she wanted it or not and that she would always have a piece of it. A small piece that is gone from me forever. I asked her to promise me that she would guard it for me as that's all I ever had to give anyone.

And no matter who I ever meet in the future no matter how special awesome and spectacular it will be... There will always be this small piece missing that they won't get.

I just want to crawl into my head right now and die.

Im really sorry to hear of this situation. I dont think she is necessarily intentionally being cruel though, she is just uncertain. Sometimes when a new relationship begins I think there can be a bit of a honeymoon period- nothing is nailed down and both sides are just seeing where things are going without having to commit. The fact that shes pulling away right now probably means that she IS taking this relationship seriously now and is considering how far she would like things to go. I understand that it might be painful to continue to still be her friend during this time, but if you DO want a chance to work things out with her... I would give her a little bit of time to get her head wrapped around the commitment.

Right now though... Im really sorry to hear you are hurt. Im not trying to take anything away from that. Take care of yourself and your feelings right now- because they ARE important. Then you can decide what you might further like to do.