[INFJ] INFP About to die of a broken heart; Need INFJ help to understand this girl Please

[Wunjo]

To the contrary, I am suggesting he let go of the past, and do something productive to get his mind off things he cannot change. Also, I am already a mental health professional. I am the professional help.

You are not, it's clear as day that you are in major denial of what you said.

Did you ever hear about the tale of the barber who was unable to shave himself? Being a mental health professional doesn't make you qualified when it comes to helping yourself, since even seasoned therapists are receiving counselling, even in cases of a secondary trauma.

 

[cascadeco]

To the contrary, I am suggesting he let go of the past, and do something productive to get his mind off things he cannot change. Also, I am already a mental health professional. I am the professional help. While my advice is nonbinding and unofficial, it would behoove you to not demonize wealth and productivity and to focus on fixing the problems you can and living with those cannot.

Yah, re you being a mental health professional, I am pretty sure everyone knows that's b.s.

Your posts recently are pretty troll-like; you come across like a broken record and showman.

 

[Frosty]

The past is past. You cannot change it. If you at least don’t think about it and don’t ruminate on it, you can minimize the pain it causes you.

There are two primary solutions to pain from the past—you can bury it with wealth, or you can turn over your wrists. The former might work, the later will kill you.

Life is shitty, but it ends at death. Don’t expect much—unless you have money, then you can do something interesting a few years before you are dragged into the earth. Money is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its not perfect, but its the best we have.

Wailing, I dont think you are trying to do this intentionally- but this is a very sensitive topic for the OP and I think you should back away. I cant make you do so of course, but I think you are making this more about you and your issues and thats really not fair to the original poster

 

[Firebird 8118]

[MENTION=36950]Excitant[/MENTION] I'd suggest you simply give her some time to sort out whatever she's going through right now. I know it's not easy (believe me, I once liked a guy who was still struggling to get over his past relationship), but it seems to me like the only thing you can do right now without pushing...

If she does come back to you, great but if not, you should instead take the time to heal yourself - and know that at the end of the day, you deserve to love and be loved. Take it from your virtual sister here who's had to learn this lesson the hard way...

 

[Wunjo]

Wailing, I dont think you are trying to do this intentionally- but this is a very sensitive topic for the OP and I think you should back away. I cant make you do so of course, but I think you are making this more about you and your issues and thats really not fair to the original poster

That's what he continuously did on Discord, I am not surprised it turned out to be like this. His histrionic behaviour is really hard to ignore, I wouldn't mind if this only disturbed himself, but for some time it has been a problem for the other members as well.

 

[Fidelia]

51 days, although eventful ones are not a lot for either of you to base a cross country move on. Infjs aren't generally throw all caution to the wind types, particularly when there are other considerations involved too.

It sounds to me even with you that you are still intensely in a pursuit and idealization stage of a relationship. The pain you're feeling has a lot to do with her proximity being withdrawn, rather than it being a tried and true love that is causing the pain. That's not to say that it's not real and intense, but this stage is not the one to make decisions in.

I expect she's realizing that she jumped into this with a lot of intensity and would like to get to know you in a slightly more measured way if this may really be happening. If you don't feel that's possible, then I'd tell her that you need some time with no contact before you can reengage in any other way. If you make her choose to proceed or else nothing, I think nothing is very likely, or if she does proceed, she'll resent you. As someone who has entered relationships before primary concerns were resolved, I will say that it will only end up in anger or heartbreak if you don't give her time to sort the issues out that need her attention. It would be okay I think to ask what her concerns are, but try to give her some space.

 

[Fidelia]

[MENTION=18694]The Wailing Specter[/MENTION] - you've had a chance to give your two cents. Continuing in the same vein comes off as a desperate need for attention, even if it's negative. Please discontinue.

 

[cascadeco]

I do agree that though feelings and intensity can be incredibly real and powerful and could most definitely be a foundation for something more, ultimately the amt of time you two have known each other is really short in the grand scheme.

Maybe she's panicking re that. Also, long distance is really really challenging, and you two not having met yet in person will really add challenges and question marks on top of that. Good luck, feel better, and I hope you get more clarity around where she's at!

 

[Fidelia]

I will also say that communicating with someone long distance, even over the phone is not the same as knowing them in person. I didn't understand this and have had two occasions where I met people I had felt very close to after a couple years of communication and it was like meeting someone totally different. In both cases it soured things between us for a long time.

I agree that getting to know someone long distance can serve as a good beginning to something bigger, but it will take time and exposure to one another before you really can determine what you've got.

 

[Dreamer]

The past is past. You cannot change it. If you at least don’t think about it and don’t ruminate on it, you can minimize the pain it causes you.

There are two primary solutions to pain from the past—you can bury it with wealth, or you can turn over your wrists. The former might work, the later will kill you.

Life is shitty, but it ends at death. Don’t expect much—unless you have money, then you can do something interesting a few years before you are dragged into the earth. Money is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its not perfect, but its the best we have.

To the contrary, I am suggesting he let go of the past, and do something productive to get his mind off things he cannot change. Also, I am already a mental health professional. I am the professional help. While my advice is nonbinding and unofficial, it would behoove you to not demonize wealth and productivity and to focus on fixing the problems you can and living with those cannot.

Though you might claim to be a mental health professional, that does not make it so. What credentials do you have? How many years of experience do you have under your belt? If you are going to claim to be a professional and offer your professional advice, you must back those claims to give others the security you know what you are advising. Further, what records do you have of the OP? How are you able to offer advice over a situation, towards a person, you know nothing about? What context are you working with here?

Regardless of the validity of your claims, this forum is not the place for conducting such business, as this is a forum for personality type discussion and related avenues. Additionally, it is against forum rules to offer advice and/or therapy on mental health issues as clearly stated in Section 8 within The Rules of Conduct. I advise you familiarize yourself with what is allowed and what isn’t before continuing within this thread.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Re: Wailing Spector
This is actually exactly what an Si grip looks like.

"Everything sucks, nothing is ever gonna get better, I'm just gonna fucking give up and do the bare minimum, and while I slowly rot away, I'll just continue to blame everyone and everything else and completely neglect to own the contributions/decisions I made which led to this position in my life."

ANYWAY.... back to the topic at hand... question for the OP: I get the feeling that there is some emotional pain that you haven't yet worked through. Sometimes when we have baggage, we think what we should do is up and leave toward some exotic location. But just because you set that baggage down in a new place doesn't mean it's not gonna be there every time you turn around. Maybe you slide it under the bed, but I bet eventually you'll stub your toe on it when you least expect it. Are you recently out of a relationship? Are you divorced? Did someone previously break your heart and abandon you? Perhaps I'm way off, but I just get the impression that you feel you need this woman, and I think if that's the case, then it's possible that she started having a hard time breathing, so to speak. Maybe I'm right, maybe not, but I know I've been in a similar place and that I did move too fast and felt I needed him and only ended up more damaged than before. Perhaps it's worth contemplating why you fear abandonment? (And I think you do, otherwise you probably wouldn't have panicked/broke to this level and would have instead thought of reasons and ways to slow things down for everyone's sake).

 

[Excitant]

Sounds like she thrilled at the idea of a relationship and the closer it came to being realized with solid commitments and you uprooting your life (despite your willingness to do so it may feel like pressure to her to succeed because you’re sacrificing time and energy to be with her) she panicked and closed off. Like someone going skydiving for the first time and being excited but nervous and then when the planes at altitude and the door opens they freeze.

That’s what it sounds like to someone who has next to no information about her background and her relationship with relationships in general. It doesn’t sound like she’s toying with you, it’s sounds like she’s pausing to take stock. Seeing as she has kids from a prior relationship she’s obviously made commitments before and for whatever reason or more likely a multitude of them, it didn’t work. A whole lot of pain is attached to that experience most likely. The fear of something else turning out that way could be overwhelming for her.

Again pure speculation on my part not knowing her personally. 51 Days is a relatively short amount of time. I have no doubt two people can fall deeply for one another quickly and make a go of it but perhaps she began to feel like it was too fast for her.

The thing you’re going to have to do and the thing that will feel like an eternity for you is wait. Wait to see if she will explain in more detail why she hit the brakes. If she’s reeling herself from powerful emotions it will be near impossible for her to explain to you what she’s still trying to make sense of herself.

Idk I know that’s not much in the way of help but I figured it’s better than telling you to attempt to buy your way out of emotional turmoil.

That's kinda what I've been thinking too... So you do have sound advise. Thank you!! I was really hoping an INFJ would post some opinion because it would be more along the lines of her thinking, But as she is like 55%J any INF advise would be helpful. I'd assume...

 

[Population: 1]

That's kinda what I've been thinking too... So you do have sound advise. Thank you!! I was really hoping an INFJ would post some opinion because it would be more along the lines of her thinking, But as she is like 55%J any INF advise would be helpful. I'd assume...

[MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] is an INFJ and one of the wisest people on this forum. No bs. I’d definitely seek her counsel on a wide variety of subjects. She has already posted in this thread.

 

[Excitant]

she sounds scared tbh and perhaps for now you should respect her wishes if you can if you think it's too painful to just be friends then maybe as much as it hurts just break it off completely. I dunno I'm trying to counteract a certain someone telling you to bury yourself in money and the only two options are slitting your wrist or making tons of money which isn't true and honestly crap advice and don't listen to him. what i'm saying don't force anything or it will blow up in your face and neither one of you would be happy. Of course i don't know the full story.

Oh you don't have to try and counteract that obviously bad advise from *cough cough* Lol But yes I am really starting to think she just got scared and froze... If it is just being scared then I am more than willing to wait for her but if she is dead set on just friends... As an INFP with the intensity of feelings I can produce, There is no earthly way to stay just friends with someone I've fallen this hard for. Thanks!! I really appreciate the advise.

 

[Excitant]

[MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] is an INFJ and one of the wisest people on this forum. No bs. I’d definitely seek her counsel on a wide variety of subjects. She has already posted in this thread.

I'm just catching up with my own thread.. lol I'll find fidelia's post. Thanks!

 

[Excitant]

[MENTION=36950]Excitant[/MENTION] I'd suggest you simply give her some time to sort out whatever she's going through right now. I know it's not easy (believe me, I once liked a guy who was still struggling to get over his past relationship), but it seems to me like the only thing you can do right now without pushing...

If she does come back to you, great but if not, you should instead take the time to heal yourself - and know that at the end of the day, you deserve to love and be loved. Take it from your virtual sister here who's had to learn this lesson the hard way...

Thank you!! Very sound and depressing advise Lol But it's all I can do for us. For her. Not to ruin things like I usually do. Sorry you had to go through the same thing

 

[asliva1]

Have ya'll met in person? I think if you both meet up, it would make things so much more easier. That seems to be jumping the gun if you move to her town without meeting her in person first--but that's just my opinion.

I, myself, could never form a relationship with just talking online or through a screen. Maybe she's like that (If you haven't met in person), too, and is just realizing it. Give her time. Keep talking to her, but don't force anything onto her just yet. When she's ready, she'll give you a signal.

 

[Excitant]

51 days, although eventful ones are not a lot for either of you to base a cross country move on. Infjs aren't generally throw all caution to the wind types, particularly when there are other considerations involved too.

It sounds to me even with you that you are still intensely in a pursuit and idealization stage of a relationship. The pain you're feeling has a lot to do with her proximity being withdrawn, rather than it being a tried and true love that is causing the pain. That's not to say that it's not real and intense, but this stage is not the one to make decisions in.

I expect she's realizing that she jumped into this with a lot of intensity and would like to get to know you in a slightly more measured way if this may really be happening. If you don't feel that's possible, then I'd tell her that you need some time with no contact before you can reengage in any other way. If you make her choose to proceed or else nothing, I think nothing is very likely, or if she does proceed, she'll resent you. As someone who has entered relationships before primary concerns were resolved, I will say that it will only end up in anger or heartbreak if you don't give her time to sort the issues out that need her attention. It would be okay I think to ask what her concerns are, but try to give her some space.

I've been reading up as much as I can on INFJs to help me understand her, Even since the beginning. I think she just brought up the moving because she is an INFJ and wanted to know front before investing time and emotion into a relationship(forecaster) I don't blame her. But at the same time I being INFP picked up on that and kinda ran with it??

True, we still are in that initial idealization phase and this would most likely be the cause of the majority of pain I feel. Still I've never met anyone so close to my wavelength, Even in MBTI circles.

I do get this feeling that she is recoiling from the initial intensity of it all. And in no way will I make decisions for her or push her. I know where that leads. I am more than willing to to whatever she needs of me to keep us together. Be it, just friends until we feel the time is right, or until we get real life interaction and understanding each other. As long as there is hope and talk of a future relationship... If she is already dead set on just friends though, I can't and wont do that. It just hurts too bad knowing there is no hope.

I've been in a relationship like the one you mentioned and it was ultimately doomed from the start. Very messy and painful. I don't want to ever do that again, if I'm able to help it.

You are very wise. Thank you so much for responding and for the advise!!

 

[Excitant]

Have ya'll met in person? I think if you both meet up, it would make things so much more easier. That seems to be jumping the gun if you move to her town without meeting her in person first--but that's just my opinion.

I, myself, could never form a relationship with just talking online or through a screen. Maybe she's like that (If you haven't met in person), too, and is just realizing it. Give her time. Keep talking to her, but don't force anything onto her just yet. When she's ready, she'll give you a signal.

No we have not met in person. I was on the cusp of asking If I could come see her to figure out if this was for real or not... Then this happened.

I wouldn't ask her to marry me without meeting in real life, she was just being the typical INFJ forecaster and thinking into the future when she asked about marriage and willingness to move.

I did like that we fell for each others minds first and not just superficial looks though. I think It helped speed up the getting to know you thing a bit. 2 introverts in real life would have taken months to accomplish what we did in just weeks.

I will keep talking with her and go at her pace. Thank you!!

 

[Fidelia]

I also would say that infjs tend to not like super intense feelings. Or maybe I should say they don't trust them. They usually wait until they level out a bit and often if they don't, then they regret not doing so later. I'm not sure if that's the case with her, but giving her some time to process information and come back with new considerations helps. I think we are very susceptible to being swept up in other peoples' convictions of feeling or their enthusiasm, despite not always being able to see how things will work. One-piece of advice I'd have is making her own the decision she makes instead of remaining in limbo forever or postponing facing the difficult things to reconcile. I think we're bad about being proactive about letting things go when they're not working, particularly if the other person is invested or we've really grown to care. Also, I've been most vulnerable to getting swept up by other peoples' enthusiasm when I've been most lonely or without support. Just some things to throw into the mix.