[NF] How to fix conflicts between Fe and Fi in NFs

[Riverfairy]

Hi everyone!


I've been having conflicts with a friend for years. Aaand I recently realised it may be because I have Fe as primary function and he has Fi.


Any thoughts on how to make things better between us?


Have you had any conflicts involving Fe and Fi? How did you resolve them?


Thanks a bunch

 

[Earl Grey]

Speaking as Fe.

I relate, The best way really, is to accept that they have their own methods of doing and seeing things, and their own pace. Whatever they are doing, even if it might not make sense to you, does to them. Your acceptance would mean a lot.
A weakness of us Fe I see in general is that we can be rather intrusive, feeling like we know what is best for the other, which is something not everyone appreciates.

Try ask them how they would like you to treat them, and what they would like from you. 'Acceptance' is a request I often hear from Fi doms, especially ISFP.

 

[Earl Grey]

Adding a bit: No two conflicts are the same (of course)
Why don't you also detail the kinds of problems you face, so that people who want to help have an idea what's wrong?

 

[Riverfairy]

Hiya,

it seems that we communicate emotionally on different universes:

When I try and get emotional support he gives it in a way that makes me angry - he creates resistance with what 'society' is expecting on me etc - and all I want is a hug.

Aand when I've told him projects of mine he'll come up with a problem in the equation almost automatically. And I'm wanting is an 'awesome, I hope it works out for you'.

So it seems I know exactly what I might tell him. But I fear his reactions now. They affect my sense of inner calm.

-

I'm sure he has another way of seeing things -----

 

[Tilt]

I would lower the expectations...just think of it as another perspective to learn from and then rely on others to get the emotional support. Is he a good friend in other ways?

 

[Earl Grey]

When I try and get emotional support he gives it in a way that makes me angry - he creates resistance with what 'society' is expecting on me etc - and all I want is a hug.

Can you elaborate further?

And I'm wanting is an 'awesome, I hope it works out for you'.

Have you tried telling him this?

 

[Riverfairy]

I would lower the expectations...just think of it as another perspective to learn from and then rely on others to get the emotional support. Is he a good friend in other ways?

I see your point. Yes, but it all goes to hell when these things happen

I think the expectations are high on both sides of the equation ..

 

[Riverfairy]

Can you elaborate further?



Have you tried telling him this?

1. Yes, I was telling him about how my uncle who is disabled was doing and how living with him was affecting me and he said "you're uncle shouldn't expect so much from you". I wasn't thinking about it in that cold calculating way - I was just trying to express how I feel. I couldn't help but get angry.
It sounds so petty now saying it - but it wasn't - he was sorta alienating me from my uncle when I needed warmth.


really it's true I shouldn't count on his support when it's obvious he can't just chill and listen or give me a hug - or just connect with me as I feel, rather than point out the 'social' constraints or the logical problems in things.

2.Yes, it sorta went down well ish . by that point we were on the verge of arguing ..

--

Thank you for listening. It's really helping to see it with MBTI eyes.

 

[The Cat]

1. Yes, I was telling him about how my uncle who is disabled was doing and how living with him was affecting me and he said "you're uncle shouldn't expect so much from you". I wasn't thinking about it in that cold calculating way - I was just trying to express how I feel. I couldn't help but get angry.
It sounds so petty now saying it - but it wasn't - he was sorta alienating me from my uncle when I needed warmth.


really it's true I shouldn't count on his support when it's obvious he can't just chill and listen or give me a hug - or just connect with me as I feel, rather than point out the 'social' constraints or the logical problems in things.

2.Yes, it sorta went down well ish . by that point we were on the verge of arguing ..

--

Thank you for listening. It's really helping to see it with MBTI eyes.

What makes what he said cold and calculating out of curiosity?

 

[Riverfairy]

What makes what he said cold and calculating out of curiosity?

It's just the way of approaching it. Logical and removed from the emotional situation.

I don't think he is cold and calculating but that approach when I'm feeling, well, baaad just doesn't work for me. My uncle is in a really bad way and it was making me feel pretty terrible. I didn't want to think that my uncle was 'doing something unfair', which he wasn't at all!

Do you see what I mean?

 

[The Cat]

It's just the way of approaching it. Logical and removed from the emotional situation.

I don't think he is cold and calculating but that approach when I'm feeling, well, baaad just doesn't work for me. My uncle is in a really bad way and it was making me feel pretty terrible. I didn't want to think that my uncle was 'doing something unfair', which he wasn't at all!

Do you see what I mean?

I can see it from both sides tbh. The whole thing strikes me as this:

So you're both right...from a certain point of view.
I mean obviously y'all get something good from the friendship, or you wouldn't be friends?

 

[Tilt]

Hiya,

it seems that we communicate emotionally on different universes:

When I try and get emotional support he gives it in a way that makes me angry - he creates resistance with what 'society' is expecting on me etc - and all I want is a hug.

Aand when I've told him projects of mine he'll come up with a problem in the equation almost automatically. And I'm wanting is an 'awesome, I hope it works out for you'.

So it seems I know exactly what I might tell him. But I fear his reactions now. They affect my sense of inner calm.

-

I'm sure he has another way of seeing things -----

I wouldn't fear it. He's just giving you another perspective. Without differing perspectives to challenge our paradigms, we stagnate. Saying that, he's just not the right person for you to go to for emotional affirmation when you are feeling vulnerable. It's totally understandable that you felt dismissed though.... Sometimes it just feels good to have someone else acknowledge that a certain situation is difficult.

 

[Forever]

I can see it from both sides tbh. The whole thing strikes me as this:

So you're both right...from a certain point of view.
I mean obviously y'all get something good from the friendship, or you wouldn't be friends?

That was really cute

 

[Riverfairy]

I can see it from both sides tbh. The whole thing strikes me as this:

So you're both right...from a certain point of view.
I mean obviously y'all get something good from the friendship, or you wouldn't be friends?

Hahahha - brilliant!

yep good old female - male stereotypical conflict.

I think there's some good stuff about out friendship I hope we can do more of the stuff that's good and much less of the conflict part!

 

[Riverfairy]

I wouldn't fear it. He's just giving you another perspective. Without differing perspectives to challenge our paradigms, we stagnate. Saying that, he's just not the right person for you to go to for emotional affirmation when you are feeling vulnerable. It's totally understandable that you felt dismissed though.... Sometimes it just feels good to have someone else acknowledge that a certain situation is difficult.

That's a warm way to put it

Yeah - it's good to know your limits and make decisions according to them but also allow for other ways of seeing a situation, and of interacting with what could be called 'emotionality'

 

[notmyapples]

It's just the way of approaching it. Logical and removed from the emotional situation.

I don't think he is cold and calculating but that approach when I'm feeling, well, baaad just doesn't work for me. My uncle is in a really bad way and it was making me feel pretty terrible. I didn't want to think that my uncle was 'doing something unfair', which he wasn't at all!

Do you see what I mean?

Because Fi is an introverted judging function, it prefers to analyse feelings and beliefs rather than directly experience them. Fi can appear to approach situations coldly because of this and seldom offers emotional comfort as it doesn't see comfort in the same way an Fe user does. This doesn't mean we aren't comforting, but our version of comfort is offering our guidance by viewing the scenario through a different lens of thought. When my Ti dom friend is ranting about an annoying coworker, my natural mode is to place myself in the coworker's shoes and explain the contrary opinion so that he can step outside of himself to better understand why that person is behaving the way they do. It doesn't feel genuine to just sit there and say empty words to make another person feel better, even if an Fe user may not view it as empty.

This does leave a lot of room for miscommunication and conflict. Express to him that although you disagree with it, you understand why he reached the conclusion that he did. But that wasn't what you needed to hear in that situation. Hopefully you can then work through it or now you know that he isn't the best friend to go to in these types of situations. I value all the people in my life and will always be there for them, yet I understand there are better people to go to for emotional comfort compared to me. I'm good for talking to when you're no longer sensitive and are interested in reflecting, but not in the midst of things when feelings run high. That is Fe's specialty, not Fi.