[ENFP] Oversensitive ENFPs

[indie]

A short while ago I introduced a friend to the MBTI, pointed her to a few tests online, and lo and behold learned that she is ENFP.

This morning, we'd planned to ride together to a meeting which started at 11:30 AM. She was running late . . . fussing with her appearance, doing her hair and makeup and such in the rearview mirror on the way there (and yes, she was the driver). Gah!

We arrived at the meeting late but miraculously in one piece. On the ride over, I'd mentioned something about how being late is a pet peeve of mine. I like to arrive early so as not to make a scene. All I said was something simple like. . . well, maybe next time if you're running late let me know, so I can leave on time (by myself) and make sure I'm not late.

Well, she took this the wrong way, had hurt feelings, and apparently stewed about it the whole duration of the meeting. When the meeting was over, she curtly told me something to the effect of "let's just not ride to church together any more" with the expectation that I'd be offended or something. I was not offended, and told her so.

My not being offended bothered her, and she took off early (so I had to walk home). To me, the whole thing was STUPID because what's done is done; water off a duck's back. But I have to deal with this person on a regular basis (like tomorrow), and would like some tips on how to appeal to her "feelyness" and to be the apologetic party, if just to make things between us OK.

Any ideas? How do I apologize for something that is not my fault? Just apologize for "hurting her feelings" ? Good grief.

 

[Sniffles]

In my experiences, it's usually the INFPs who get that sensitive. Then again it could be a NFP thing I guess.

 

[kiddykat]

Sometimes, it's not what's said that offends us, it's how it's said that can rub us off the wrong way.

I'm sure she's aware of the situation. If she can't quite understand that you don't want to be late/can't respect that, then there's not much that can be done. She has to meet you half way on that.

Perhaps she doesn't really want to share the ride, either. Maybe she's more comfortable that way. In that case, just keep it cool. Let the whole situation subside a bit. No biggie. We tend to get over things like that, so long as the other party continues to be respectful, vice versa.

 

[Angry Ayrab]

SNIP

Man... from hearing only your side of the story, my perspective would be that your friend is a bit immature. Since you are friends though and kinda stuck with her, I would just apologize to her for hurting her feelings and explaining how it played out in your mind and why you said what you said etc...

Then follow it up with a quick how much you value your friendship. We can sometimes be drama queens, but we are also very guillible infront of apologies and usually melt when they are offered, and then pretend we were never really offended in the first place etc... Or maybe thats just me.

Anyway, goodluck with it, but since you researched this, it shows that you care.

 

[Jeffster]

My ex-wife.

Oh, sorry, we aren't just supposed to list them?

 

[Into It]

Any ideas? How do I apologize for something that is not my fault? Just apologize for "hurting her feelings" ? Good grief.

Yes. You seem sorry that she is hurt (I'm not using the word 'guilty' for good reason), even if you are not sorry for your actions (which in this case seem neutral at worst.) Also, how is this not your fault? Your words are directly responsible for her reaction, so it is your fault. What is not your fault is her sensitivity. What is also not your fault is your inherent coldness in communication.

By the way though, you do not come off cold in this post- I am only making a generalization based on type.

The "tell me if you are going to be late" comment hurt. Her good intentions displeased you, the incongruence caused her shame, so she tried to cope with her situation. She chose the comment "Maybe we shouldn't ride together" not because it is how she truly felt, but rather as an attempt on reverse psychology to acquire external validation of her worth from you. She failed, and this is where the damage was truly done.

So, the problem that needs to be fixed is the way she feels. It doesn't matter how you do it, you don't even need to use Fe. But logical justification for your actions is not the answer. Express that you wish she was not hurt, and that you would have handled the situation differently if you would have known the outcome. Isn't this true? Wouldn't you prefer to have kept your mouth shut if you could have avoided this trouble by doing so? If you explain that you would still prefer to ride together, she will have the validation she initially wanted. At this point, she will understand your concern for being on time without you having to reiterate, and as an accommodating NF, she will probably start combing her hair early from now on. That's it.

So
1)You would have handled it differently
2)You actually DO appreciate her, which I would recommend expressing indirectly because if you try to use Fe then critical arteries may burst.

The preservation of the relationship is more important than the preservation of your ego because you are bigger than her irrationality. Aren't you?

 

[Into It]

In my experiences, it's usually the INFPs who get that sensitive. Then again it could be a NFP thing I guess.

if an ENFP has an oversensitive reaction, the dependency on external validation that their feelings are understood and justified will often not come, and that can throw them through a realloop. An INFP doesn't have to deal with this, but if their emotions are not rational they do have to deal with fixing their own state, which would ideally be done with Te- so I could understand that being difficult to do and an amount of frustration mounting in an INFP. I would think though, that an INFP by virtue of their dominant Fi would have more justifiable emotions than an ENFP, whose Fi is considerably weaker and more difficult to develop. I have the same ridiculous need for the external remedy. A brilliant INTP psych professor blew me off about the cognitive functions the other day, claiming that even considering a person to be introverted or extraverted is boxing them in and is incorrect, even though I explained that a person may behave however they wish, choosing the amount of people to socialize with etc., but that their psychic energy is predominately directed either more inwardly or more outwardly a majority of the time, and that this is a factor of what shapes them. He merely said "it sounds to me like you have a religion" in a psychoanalytic tone, "and I'm not against you having your religion, but you need to check it against reality." His negativity was directed toward the theory, not me. But because of the way he phrased it, I was directly involved. This happened two days ago and I am having a difficult time getting over this one small comment, because I cannot dismiss him as being ignorant of personality theories (which is the course), but I do not think he is correct. I feel I can only rectify this by getting him to come around to my viewpoint to some degree. I am reliant on the external, too. Yesterday, I edited Bluewing's Intro to Typology heavily and sent it to him along with information about INTJ's and their functions- I knew it was a longshot. In retrospect, I think he is probably an INTP, not a "cold" INTJ, which is what I suspected. Impulsive. This error only gives more credence to his argument. This mistake is the one I regret most, as I feel now my credibility on this issue is shot, and I cannot fix the original problem. My gut will be swimming as I sit in the front row tomorrow in his class, as I always do. I hate looking foolish about something I am passionate about.

Edit: and INTP's are incredibly adept about making me look foolish, or at least merely pointing out that I am a fool. Which is why I fear the conversation that we will soon have during his office hours.

 

[phoenix13]

ENFPs need to feel accepted for who they are. Your buddy is indeed overreacting, so I wouldn't appologize. Nevertheless, I would take steps to make her feel accepted despite the inperfection.

I'd suggest that you reassure her that you still "like her", know she "means well," and [insert compliment], BUT, you have needs. And you need to get to church on time. Also add that even if she doesn't think she can ride to church with you, you hope it won't hurt your friendship. ...or some bs like that. Good luck.

 

[Sinister Scribe]

Any ideas? How do I apologize for something that is not my fault? Just apologize for "hurting her feelings" ? Good grief.

In the experience I've had dealing with my INFP sister (the INTJ-INFP relationship is very... erm... interesting), I've noticed a couple of things.

1. NFPs do tend to be quite sensitive. The ones I know will cry or laugh over almost anything at all. Though it does prove to be irksome at times, it brings the NTs down to earth with our feelings.

2. On that note, NTs (quite possibly more INTs as opposed to ENTs) tend to be less sensitive. To deal with an NFP, we must tap into our feelingness and use that to our advantage. Some don't like to listen to reason, especially when upset.

As a "cold INTJ" I would first apologize for hurting her feelings. Second of all, I would make sure to mention the whole pet peeve about lateness quite a bit more in advance. Most Ps (especially FPs) don't mind being late and often don't see it as a big deal.

INTP's are incredibly adept about making me look foolish, or at least merely pointing out that I am a fool.

NTs are incredibly good at doing that to people in general. It's part of our personality... and some have developed that into a very effective weapon. My physics professor (I'm pretty sure he's an ENTP or maybe an ENTJ) can do that to anyone. Scary. The main difference is that INTPs tend to be a little bit nicer about pointing out stupidity in other people (or they just ignore it). INTJs (and ENTJs too) would likely rub it in the face of the other person... and other people if they are present. *smirks*

 

[GZA]

Five bucks says she doesn't even care tommorow. I'm dead serious, too. I used to do that all the time -get mad at someone for like a day or whatever and sleep it off. Kind of silly and maybe immature, but it happens.

 

[VanillaCat]

Yeah, ENFPs won't really stay mad at you... I'm really sensitive and I probably would have done the same thing. Then I would think, maybe it was my fault, and feel guilty and sad. I might not forgive or forget what you did, but almost guaranteed that within a month, we'd be fine. Just call her as soon as you can and say that you didn't mean to hurt my feelings and end it there. And also, don't say anything like, "But you really should not have been late." or whatever. That would just negate the fact that you didn't want to hurt her feelings. Maybe you can make a nice joke and or talk about something that happened at the place you went to. Like, what she thought about it and stuff. You could invite her somewhere after you talk

If you don't think you should apologize or anything, it is totally fine too. She will probably get over it within a month if not a week. Just a matter of how you want to go about it. I'd do the first, but whatever floats your boat!

 

[INTJMom]

@ indie

If being late is really a pet peeve of yours, an ENFP generally would not make a good carpool mate for you.

I suggest, as some others did, that you apologize for hurting her feelings, but to reduce frustration,
you should ride with someone else, or learn to be comfortable with being late.

 

[indie]

We are cool with each other now. Apparently what had happened was that (unbeknown to me) she'd made it some personal improvement project to be better about being on time, esp. to church. My mention of our lateness was like pointing out her failure.

Of course, she said she realized I didn't know this and apologized herself.

I must say: It's *so* very nice that ENFPs don't hold grudges! Continually rehashing some old misunderstanding is such a waste of time.

 

[PinkIceTD]

ENFPs need to feel accepted for who they are. Your buddy is indeed overreacting, so I wouldn't appologize. Nevertheless, I would take steps to make her feel accepted despite the inperfection.

I'd suggest that you reassure her that you still "like her", know she "means well," and [insert compliment], BUT, you have needs. And you need to get to church on time. Also add that even if she doesn't think she can ride to church with you, you hope it won't hurt your friendship. ...or some bs like that. Good luck.

Best advice yet.

 

[PinkIceTD]

Five bucks says she doesn't even care tommorow. I'm dead serious, too. I used to do that all the time -get mad at someone for like a day or whatever and sleep it off. Kind of silly and maybe immature, but it happens.

also true

 

[Maabus1999]

Yeah, ENFPs won't really stay mad at you... I'm really sensitive and I probably would have done the same thing. Then I would think, maybe it was my fault, and feel guilty and sad. I might not forgive or forget what you did, but almost guaranteed that within a month, we'd be fine. Just call her as soon as you can and say that you didn't mean to hurt my feelings and end it there. And also, don't say anything like, "But you really should not have been late." or whatever. That would just negate the fact that you didn't want to hurt her feelings. Maybe you can make a nice joke and or talk about something that happened at the place you went to. Like, what she thought about it and stuff. You could invite her somewhere after you talk

If you don't think you should apologize or anything, it is totally fine too. She will probably get over it within a month if not a week. Just a matter of how you want to go about it. I'd do the first, but whatever floats your boat!

One month eh? Fascinating, I should do a social experiment over the mean time for ENFP's to get over something done unintentional.

Joke's aside, I have been in (may still be in) a similiar experience with an ENFP over the past month. You all are very intriguing how you go about some of your emotional spurts, but unfortunately my bad habit of patience and a "will" that can't be beat seems to win out over time (at least with my family member ENFP's).

 

[BlownAway]

ENFP:s are hard to understand sometimes. Especially those who hasn't learned to control and develop their introverted feeling (Fi).

I could burst out in flames and tears in the most strange situations when I was younger. Now I know what my inner values are and what happens if someone crosses them. I think "acceptance" is a strong value for most ENFP:s (maybe your friend was afraid that she wasn't accepted for some reason?). For me it's also "freedom from rules and control" and "fairness". When someone or something stepped on these things I used to overreact and become totally oversensitive. Now at least I know what is going on and can be more calm about it. Maybe you can help your friend to learn more about introverted feeling and sit down and define inner values?