[ENFP] ENFP feelings (how we deal with our own AND yours)

[enfpe]

Hi there!

This is my first thread (though I think I accidentally started it in the wrong section before, so here it is here), so I might be a new face, but I hope you all don't mind me sharing something I have recently figured out how to articulate. I hope this helps people's understanding of how ENFP tend to handle feelings. Both their own, and other people's. And why sometimes they may appear to be shutting you out (I promise, they're not actually meaning to convey this).

I've observed a lot of different assertions about ENFP being open books, but sometimes closed, but sometimes open. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for what is and isn't off limits. This can be very frustrating for both the person trying to help and the ENFP themselves. And I know it can seem scattered, but that tends to just be the translation. Our internal reality is quite structured, in one sense.

Imagine this. You're in your room at home. There's probably a lot going on in there, and you're sorting through it all every day as you do, mostly without issue. But then your friend shows up. And you're okay with them watching and maybe helping you move some things around, but then there are things you really don't want touched or want help with. It's that pervasive "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch" feeling that tends to comprise ENFP's general anxiety about feelings and eventually leads to overwhelm. When overwhelm happens, or something is touched or uncovered that shouldn't have been, the other person is simply put back outside for a while. This allows the ENFP to deal with whatever it is and emerge completely okay after.

Now imagine you are the ENFP, and you have this awareness. You've been invited to your friend's house, into their room, and you're watching and helping them sort. There's still that horrible feeling of "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch", but it's a thousand times worse because it's *you* who might be violating *their* privacy. If you ever wonder why an ENFP doesn't ask as many questions as a typical Fe user might, I'd bet you a good amount of money that they're not at all trying to be dismissive, and it's usually very much not that they don't notice. It's that they want to give you the same berth they would want when dealing with feelings. If they feel they're being intrusive, whether or not this is actually the case, they might want to step outside for a while. In fact, most ENFP, though excited to meet you, are most comfortable meeting you somewhere out and about. You can both have a good time and feel close and do something together without necessarily coming into their home, much less their room. I think this is where a lot of people feel like the ENFP is being open with them, but getting to know an ENFP is a very gradual process, and you shouldn't expect to be invited over regularly within a short period of time, though at times they might call you to come over for fifteen minutes with some chocolate and a shoulder to cry on so they can talk it out. This, however, cannot be confused with them giving you the keys to their apartment, or allowing you full access at all times.

My advice to anyone looking to *really* get to know an ENFP is simply to be patient. It won't be your active persistence that gets them to invite you in, but rather your passive persistence in just waiting outside the door with some cookies. Trust me, ENFP love cookies. It's a scientific fact. And similarly, trust that you will be given the same patience, and the same space to deal with how you're feeling when you need that space. However, if you are expecting the ENFP to keep knocking, please tell them. They're more than happy to keep knocking, and apply active persistence, but they need to know that you are eventually going to open the door. They're very polite in that way. So come on over, bring some cookies, or invite us over and we'll bring some cookies. But only come by if you're planning on sticking around. Otherwise, we'd be happy to meet you at the coffee shop

 

[Dreamer]

Hi there!

This is my first thread (though I think I accidentally started it in the wrong section before, so here it is here), so I might be a new face, but I hope you all don't mind me sharing something I have recently figured out how to articulate. I hope this helps people's understanding of how ENFP tend to handle feelings. Both their own, and other people's. And why sometimes they may appear to be shutting you out (I promise, they're not actually meaning to convey this).

I've observed a lot of different assertions about ENFP being open books, but sometimes closed, but sometimes open. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for what is and isn't off limits. This can be very frustrating for both the person trying to help and the ENFP themselves. And I know it can seem scattered, but that tends to just be the translation. Our internal reality is quite structured, in one sense.

Imagine this. You're in your room at home. There's probably a lot going on in there, and you're sorting through it all every day as you do, mostly without issue. But then your friend shows up. And you're okay with them watching and maybe helping you move some things around, but then there are things you really don't want touched or want help with. It's that pervasive "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch" feeling that tends to comprise ENFP's general anxiety about feelings and eventually leads to overwhelm. When overwhelm happens, or something is touched or uncovered that shouldn't have been, the other person is simply put back outside for a while. This allows the ENFP to deal with whatever it is and emerge completely okay after.

Now imagine you are the ENFP, and you have this awareness. You've been invited to your friend's house, into their room, and you're watching and helping them sort. There's still that horrible feeling of "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch", but it's a thousand times worse because it's you who might be violating their privacy. If you ever wonder why an ENFP doesn't ask as many questions as a typical Fe user might, I'd bet you a good amount of money that they're not at all trying to be dismissive, and it's usually very much not that they don't notice. It's that they want to give you the same berth they would want when dealing with feelings. If they feel they're being intrusive, whether or not this is actually the case, they might want to step outside for a while. In fact, most ENFP, though excited to meet you, are most comfortable meeting you somewhere out and about. You can both have a good time and feel close and do something together without necessarily coming into their home, much less their room. I think this is where a lot of people feel like the ENFP is being open with them, but getting to know an ENFP is a very gradual process, and you shouldn't expect to be invited over regularly within a short period of time, though at times they might call you to come over for fifteen minutes with some chocolate and a shoulder to cry on so they can talk it out. This, however, cannot be confused with them giving you the keys to their apartment, or allowing you full access at all times.

My advice to anyone looking to really get to know an ENFP is simply to be patient. It won't be your active persistence that gets them to invite you in, but rather your passive persistence in just waiting outside the door with some cookies. Trust me, ENFP love cookies. It's a scientific fact. And similarly, trust that you will be given the same patience, and the same space to deal with how you're feeling when you need that space. However, if you are expecting the ENFP to keep knocking, please tell them. They're more than happy to keep knocking, and apply active persistence, but they need to know that you are eventually going to open the door. They're very polite in that way. So come on over, bring some cookies, or invite us over and we'll bring some cookies. But only come by if you're planning on sticking around. Otherwise, we'd be happy to meet you at the coffee shop

Though I will admit to liking cookies, what I really love is ice cream I had “I like ice cream” as my user title on this site for a very long time before changing it.

Joking aside, and now that we are both on the front porch rather than the sidewalk, I like what you have written here and communicated. It’s not always easy to explain to people that whole emotionally open/closed sort of fish-out-of-water flip flop it may appear like to others. It is true though, that I may express some deeeper feelings and thoughts to someone, and I’m being completely genuine when I do, but it doesn’t always equate to my level of attraction or fondness towards them. I don’t know...ya, you explained it all very well, that’s all I can say

Oh, and before I forget, what you said about entering an ENFP’s heart (ok, I’m paraphrasing here) is through passive persistence, yes. That is exactly how one can find their way to my heart at least.

 

[enfpe]

Though I will admit to liking cookies, what I really love is ice cream I had “I like ice cream” as my user title on this site for a very long time before changing it.

Joking aside, and now that we are both on the front porch rather than the sidewalk, I like what you have written here and communicated. It’s not always easy to explain to people that whole emotionally open/closed sort of fish-out-of-water flip flop it may appear like to others. It is true though, that I may express some deeeper feelings and thoughts to someone, and I’m being completely genuine when I do, but it doesn’t always equate to my level of attraction or fondness towards them. I don’t know...ya, you explained it all very well, that’s all I can say

Oh, and before I forget, what you said about entering an ENFP’s heart (ok, I’m paraphrasing here) is through passive persistence, yes. That is exactly how one can find their way to my heart at least.

Dude yes. I would agree that ice cream is way better, but I was trying to continue using a metaphor that would perhaps make sense to the masses haha. I don’t believe I’ve ever witnessed someone show up to my door with ice cream, though they certainly wouldn’t be unwelcome.

I appreciate the kind words. I’d agree that it is very tough to explain the process, as you’ve kind of outlined here. ENFP can come off very inconsistent sometimes, even when that’s not necessarily the case. But it’s good to at least know how they’re being perceived, and adjust when possible. I also appreciate getting as far as the porch here! Shoot me a friend request, I’d love to get to know you

As for the passive persistence working, I think this is a common theme amongst ENFP, at least the ones I’ve met. I think in general they quite dislike pushy and controlling people. It has to be a natural sharing for them, and very much in the absence of drama, or they simply won’t share.

 

[Fluffywolf]

This is great information!




*grabs bag of cookies and waits outside of ENFP's door*

....

*Eats a cookie while waiting*

...

..

*Eats another*


...

...

...

*Takes last cookie and ponders wether to eat it while looking at the closed door.*





I don't think it is working for me.

 

[Luminous]

This was so beautifully put, enfpe. Thank you for sharing it. Honestly it made me tear up because it touches on something going on in my life right now.

*brings several bags of cookies and gallons of ice cream to share with Fluffywolf, Dreamer, and enfpe*

 

[Fluffywolf]

This was so beautifully put, enfpe. Thank you for sharing it. Honestly it made me tear up because it touches on something going on in my life right now.

*brings several bags of cookies and gallons of ice cream to share with Fluffywolf, Dreamer, and enfpe*

Cookies?

*rolls over, barks and gives paw*

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I gotta be honest: I initially had a "here we go again..." reaction to this post, suspecting it would be cliche, erroneous, and just overall cringey. I was pleasantly surprised. The only thing I would say though is that I DO sometimes intentionally shut people out, but I think I'm the odder duck in the flock of odd ducks in that I'm not really anywhere near a stereotypical ENFP. I imagine that when my number was drawn, I was the last one and therefore got the short end of the enneagram tritype stick (I feel that The Scholar tritype is somehow both the best and worst tritype simultaneously).

Also, when I said "odder duck", did you picture an otter duck? Because I did.

 

[Dreamer]

This is great information!




*grabs bag of cookies and waits outside of ENFP's door*

....

*Eats a cookie while waiting*

...

..

*Eats another*


...

...

...

*Takes last cookie and ponders wether to eat it while looking at the closed door.*





I don't think it is working for me.

Answer me these questions if you will, 1) Are you a girl scout? (You may not get the reference) but trust me, this is critical if you want doors to slam open with an imprint left behind in the wall by the brute force of the doorknob, and 2) Were you by any chance waiting outside my door? If yes, I only accept freshly baked, warm and chewy cookies, or ice cream.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Answer me these questions if you will, 1) Are you a girl scout? (You may not get the reference) but trust me, this is critical if you want doors to slam open with an imprint left behind in the wall by the brute force of the doorknob, and 2) Were you by any chance waiting outside my door? If yes, I only accept freshly baked, warm and chewy cookies, or ice cream.

I could pretend to be a girl scout? I brought ice cream, but it melted and now I'm all sticky and covered in it! *wink*

*trap set*

 

[Snow as White]

Hi there!

This is my first thread (though I think I accidentally started it in the wrong section before, so here it is here), so I might be a new face, but I hope you all don't mind me sharing something I have recently figured out how to articulate. I hope this helps people's understanding of how ENFP tend to handle feelings. Both their own, and other people's. And why sometimes they may appear to be shutting you out (I promise, they're not actually meaning to convey this).

I've observed a lot of different assertions about ENFP being open books, but sometimes closed, but sometimes open. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for what is and isn't off limits. This can be very frustrating for both the person trying to help and the ENFP themselves. And I know it can seem scattered, but that tends to just be the translation. Our internal reality is quite structured, in one sense.

Imagine this. You're in your room at home. There's probably a lot going on in there, and you're sorting through it all every day as you do, mostly without issue. But then your friend shows up. And you're okay with them watching and maybe helping you move some things around, but then there are things you really don't want touched or want help with. It's that pervasive "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch" feeling that tends to comprise ENFP's general anxiety about feelings and eventually leads to overwhelm. When overwhelm happens, or something is touched or uncovered that shouldn't have been, the other person is simply put back outside for a while. This allows the ENFP to deal with whatever it is and emerge completely okay after.

Now imagine you are the ENFP, and you have this awareness. You've been invited to your friend's house, into their room, and you're watching and helping them sort. There's still that horrible feeling of "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch", but it's a thousand times worse because it's *you* who might be violating *their* privacy. If you ever wonder why an ENFP doesn't ask as many questions as a typical Fe user might, I'd bet you a good amount of money that they're not at all trying to be dismissive, and it's usually very much not that they don't notice. It's that they want to give you the same berth they would want when dealing with feelings. If they feel they're being intrusive, whether or not this is actually the case, they might want to step outside for a while. In fact, most ENFP, though excited to meet you, are most comfortable meeting you somewhere out and about. You can both have a good time and feel close and do something together without necessarily coming into their home, much less their room. I think this is where a lot of people feel like the ENFP is being open with them, but getting to know an ENFP is a very gradual process, and you shouldn't expect to be invited over regularly within a short period of time, though at times they might call you to come over for fifteen minutes with some chocolate and a shoulder to cry on so they can talk it out. This, however, cannot be confused with them giving you the keys to their apartment, or allowing you full access at all times.

My advice to anyone looking to *really* get to know an ENFP is simply to be patient. It won't be your active persistence that gets them to invite you in, but rather your passive persistence in just waiting outside the door with some cookies. Trust me, ENFP love cookies. It's a scientific fact. And similarly, trust that you will be given the same patience, and the same space to deal with how you're feeling when you need that space. However, if you are expecting the ENFP to keep knocking, please tell them. They're more than happy to keep knocking, and apply active persistence, but they need to know that you are eventually going to open the door. They're very polite in that way. So come on over, bring some cookies, or invite us over and we'll bring some cookies. But only come by if you're planning on sticking around. Otherwise, we'd be happy to meet you at the coffee shop

Definitely resonate with that quivering want to be a good friend and listener but don’t want to intrude yet how do I convey I am here for person if I feel stating obviously I am here for them may be too much or that I want them to talk for me instead of themselves.

Also resonate with people misconstruing my general friendfulness with agreeing to be there bff with matching tattoos and we just met. I once pretended to not be home for an hour. Sitting ever so quietly inside. Because this girl I met latched onto me so fiercely and suddenly it scared the jelly out of me.

To get close close close to me you have to sneak up downwind. Throw out some treats. And come pet my fur when I’m distracted by candy. To where I’m like. How the hell did you get here.... munch munch. Well this doesn’t seem to be toooooo bad.

 

[Dreamer]

I gotta be honest: I initially had a "here we go again..." reaction to this post, suspecting it would be cliche, erroneous, and just overall cringey. I was pleasantly surprised. The only thing I would say though is that I DO sometimes intentionally shut people out, but I think I'm the odder duck in the flock of odd ducks in that I'm not really anywhere near a stereotypical ENFP. I imagine that when my number was drawn, I was the last one and therefore got the short end of the enneagram tritype stick (I feel that The Scholar tritype is somehow both the best and worst tritype simultaneously).

Also, when I said "odder duck", did you picture an otter duck? Because I did.

Oh, trust me. I intentionally shut people out too, and when I do, it’s almost as though there is no turning back and I’ve written them out of existence forever. I have a feeling our Enneagram typings may alter our approaches to this though, as I shut people out much more passively (I assume you meant you will directly tell someone to “fuck off”?) as in straight up avoid the person like the plague and I’ll just make my presence absent. I will say though, it honestly takes A LOT for me to want to stick someone in the “pathogen-carrying chimp” category.

 

[Luminous]

*takes freshly baked chocolate chip cookies out of oven*
*prepares ice cream sundaes with warm cookies and candy*
*hands them out*
*gently and quietly pets the soft fluffy fur of Fluffywolf and the gleaming white fur of Snow as White*

This reminds me of my experience as a child of getting to pet a wild rabbit. I spent many summer days outside, near the rabbit, chasing off any cat or dog that might come near and threaten our tranquility. Finally one day, Rabbit wanted to go to a neighbor's yard. She came up and nosed my leg (quite hard, which surprised me). So I followed her and got to pet her a bit. I was so very excited, and my dad had come outside. I hoped he would look over and notice because I couldn't say anything more than a whisper or I'd scare Rabbit. I have previously had the thought that some people are like that rabbit. Approach with quiet care, respect, and consideration. And with a rabbit, an apple or dandelion. (Rabbits don't seem to like cookies )

 

[Dreamer]

Dude yes. I would agree that ice cream is way better, but I was trying to continue using a metaphor that would perhaps make sense to the masses haha. I don’t believe I’ve ever witnessed someone show up to my door with ice cream, though they certainly wouldn’t be unwelcome.

I appreciate the kind words. I’d agree that it is very tough to explain the process, as you’ve kind of outlined here. ENFP can come off very inconsistent sometimes, even when that’s not necessarily the case. But it’s good to at least know how they’re being perceived, and adjust when possible. I also appreciate getting as far as the porch here! Shoot me a friend request, I’d love to get to know you

As for the passive persistence working, I think this is a common theme amongst ENFP, at least the ones I’ve met. I think in general they quite dislike pushy and controlling people. It has to be a natural sharing for them, and very much in the absence of drama, or they simply won’t share.

Hmm...two people that appreciate passive persistence have met face to face and want to be friends, yet don’t like pushy people, or don’t want to be pushy themselves...what to do?? I know! We can just stand together in each other’s company, pretending like we aren’t hovering, while secretly, not so secretly, signaling the other of our intentions...then just like magic, we have somehow friended one another. Well, this is a cute story now isn’t it?

Hi enfpe, I’m Dreamer, pleased to make your acquaintance

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Oh, trust me. I intentionally shut people out too, and when I do, it’s almost as though there is no turning back and I’ve written them out of existence forever. I have a feeling our Enneagram typings may alter our approaches to this though, as I shut people out much more passively (I assume you meant you will directly tell someone to “fuck off”?) as in straight up avoid the person like the plague and I’ll just make my presence absent. I will say though, it honestly takes A LOT for me to want to stick someone in the “pathogen-carrying chimp” category.

I actually don't generally get that aggressive with people (I think I've only said that to one person whom I was once close with). It's more that I'm extremely hard to get truly close too. I tend to appear a bit cold and hard on the outside, but it's a quiet (for the most part) facade. That's just in passing or for those I don't really want to open up to. Once the draw bridge is lowered, it's really not that scary in here (besides general moodiness - what can I say?). You guys get instant access into my warmer, livelier side because there isn't any need for an Sp barrier on the internet. If I feel invaded, I can just shut it off and set you down.

I'm kind of like the classic theater masks, without the pained look. Actually, the cover of the book "Confessions of a Sociopath" comes to mind. I dunno how I feel about comparing myself to a sociopath... but that exact image can be how I come across at baseline, only because I am turned "off". It doesn't take much to turn me "on" though.
Kinky.

 

[Abcdenfp]

Answer me these questions if you will, 1) Are you a girl scout? (You may not get the reference) but trust me, this is critical if you want doors to slam open with an imprint left behind in the wall by the brute force of the doorknob, and 2) Were you by any chance waiting outside my door? If yes, I only accept freshly baked, warm and chewy cookies, or ice cream.

warm and chewy .. critical.. there should be rain . i also accept boom boxes .. nothing like music and someone bearing their soul to make me open my door.
mutual vulnerabiltiy thats what we require and persistence. be fucking consistent.
i am editing this because on a serious note, this thread was excellent. and the room door is a great example of boundaries that are important to us.
the boom box is okay because its outside not in the room ... and i can observe from a safe distance then decide how i feel .
i will also totally agree with the meeting outside and doing out and about things vs having people in my space . there are very few people i enjoy having full access to my space ive carved out for myself.

 

[Seeker33]

This is pretty interesting to me. Some people think ENFPs are just always happy and gushing but there is way more to me than that. When I'm feeling emotionally centered, I am very outgoing, enthusiastic, excitable, and thats the surface level emotions i tend to share. But i wouldnt describe myself as "emotional" especially with most people, because when I have a lot of emotional stuff i'm trying to sort through, I tend to withdraw and become very introverted/introspective while i try to figure it all out. I guess this is why it's Fi and not Fe. I do not readily share those layers with people, i keep it pretty locked up and it takes me a long time to trust people enough to share it. As OP said, persistent patience is the key for me. However, I would say im strongly empathic and can usually read/feel others emotions around me pretty easily.

 

[Dreamer]

Ah! @Seeker33 and [MENTION=33711]Abcdenfp[/MENTION], BOTH your posts just spurred a new thread topic Thank you both!!

Stay tuned, I’ll post it up later tonight. ...if I remember haha kidding not kidding

 

[Dreamer]

This is pretty interesting to me. Some people think ENFPs are just always happy and gushing but there is way more to me than that. When I'm feeling emotionally centered, I am very outgoing, enthusiastic, excitable, and thats the surface level emotions i tend to share. But i wouldnt describe myself as "emotional" especially with most people, because when I have a lot of emotional stuff i'm trying to sort through, I tend to withdraw and become very introverted/introspective while i try to figure it all out. I guess this is why it's Fi and not Fe. I do not readily share those layers with people, i keep it pretty locked up and it takes me a long time to trust people enough to share it. As OP said, persistent patience is the key for me. However, I would say im strongly empathic and can usually read/feel others emotions around me pretty easily.

I wholeheartedly agree with this post, 100%. It can be slightly frustrating at times when people assume you’re nothing but this happy and cheery person, and the MBTI communities all have their own stereotypes packaged with the ENFP label in a similar vein, but the thing that I realized a while back, is a lot of that has to do with my own actions around people when I’m feeling different things. Just like yourself, I withdraw and become recluse until I feel my feelings have been properly sorted out and more or less understood, so it only makes sense that people would assume all I am, IS happy and cheery, since that’s all I allow them to see. It’s only if you know me well enough that I start to reveal these more hidden parts of myself, and sure enough, that person begins to understand the positive that comes with Dreamer, does not completely describe the entirety of my emotional experience. Far from it.

Great post btw! Very well said

 

[Abcdenfp]

I wholeheartedly agree with this post, 100%. It can be slightly frustrating at times when people assume you're nothing but this happy and cheery person, and the MBTI communities all have their own stereotypes packaged with the ENFP label in a similar vein, but the thing that I realized a while back, is a lot of that has to do with my own actions around people when I'm feeling different things. Just like yourself, I withdraw and become recluse until I feel my feelings have been properly sorted out and more or less understood, so it only makes sense that people would assume all I am, IS happy and cheery, since that's all I allow them to see. It's only if you know me well enough that I start to reveal these more hidden parts of myself, and sure enough, that person begins to understand the positive that comes with Dreamer, does not completely describe the entirety of my emotional experience. Far from it. Great post btw! Very well said

This ^^ only a select few see the other aspects of who i am. the non "sunshine". i remember being in my sophmore year and going through a dark period and a girl in. the grade abovee coming up to me and tellimg me "stop being sad, i cant take it, if your not smiling , then something is wrong with the world, your smile lights up the room" but this didnt make me feel good it made me feel an enormous amount of pressure to always be "on" for the sake of other people.

 

[Dreamer]

This ^^ only a select few see the other aspects of who i am. the non "sunshine". i remember being in my sophmore year and going through a dark period and a girl in. the grade abovee coming up to me and tellimg me "stop being sad, i cant take it, if your not smiling , then something is wrong with the world, your smile lights up the room" but this didnt make me feel good it made me feel an enormous amount of pressure to always be "on" for the sake of other people.

OMG...like WHAT! I really do relate to what you mention of feeling a sort of pressure to always be "on" for the sake of other people. Why do we DO this??

Oh crap...mind blown...is THIS why people see me as a 2?? Is THIS how I "give" to others? Because I feel selfish if anything so I always ask, how can I be a 2 if I'm not giving in any way?? Well...maybe I am, in this regard.

Ok, scratch the above comment, that was a misfire haha, didn't mean to take my post there

But ya, it is a bit strange isn't it? And the thing is, no one ever actively tells me to stay happy or that I need to be this ray of sunshine, I feel like I sort of just put that on myself. Though, I have gotten similar comments before, to the one you shared, and by close friends too. Perhaps because there were close people to me, my way to show I cared for them was to prop them up and to be that energizer bunny that I observed they benefited from. It really is exhausting though to always have this front up, even if I'm not always aware of it or actively trying to maintain this positivity. Maybe it's because I've picked up these cues from other people so long ago, and may have incorporated these habits long enough ago, that it all seems like second nature at this point, thereby remaining hidden?

Hmm, now I'm interested in this direction! Not me specifically, but generally speaking, of this sort of self-imposed pressure one can feel.