Half a year ago I had to door-slam three girls (let’s call them A, B and C) because they really got on my nerves… I felt under-appreciated at times in their presence because I kept getting talked over. Also they didn’t understand why I was so”weird” (their words, not mine). Every time I say something, they laugh about it or dismiss it like it was a joke, but it’s not. Time after time I excused their behavior, but when the negative energy started piling up, I knew that I had to go back. To the part of my life before them. Back when everything made sense in my view. But a subconscious part of me didn’t want to let go, so I stayed. Even when A told my secrets to other classmates and teamed up with some jerky boys in my class to lie to me about something close to my heart. Even when B laughed at me for utterly failing in winning a guy’s heart. Even when C showed inauthenticity (even though, for the most part, she’d been nicer than the other two).
The last straw that broke the camel was when I was writing a poem in my classroom just before an exam. I don’t know what came over me. I just had to get that poem out, even though I didn’t know what I wanted to write about. I just let my heart guide me through the darkness. After finishing the poem I read it. And reread it. And you know what? Every word in there was a way of saying, I’m done with the friendship. Done with hiding in the shadows. Done with being judged for who I truly am. None of you understand what‘s in my soul and no one bothered trying. I want out.
It was like Hannah Baker’s monologue: “Some of you cared. None of you cared enough.” Sure, there were some beautiful memories shared with them. When the entire grade was clapping in the hallways, they were there, too. When I sang to them they listened in rapture. But the majority of this friendship had been me trying to fit in, to adjust to their pace of speech, to agree with their opinions though my heart sang a different song. For the record I did try. I even told them a few personal things about myself hoping to connect with them better. But it was like building a sandcastle where the waves would tear it apart. Useless.
So I cut the strings, took another path and never turned back.
At first it felt lonely, because I was so used to eating lunch and dinner with them in the cafeteria that it broke my heart to be alone. To listen to my heartbeat when everyone around me was chattering. To wander through the crowd without a hand to hold. But soon the silence became more bearable and I made new friends who quickly replaced them. But this time I was wiser in choosing friends who accepted me for myself.
Later on I learned that A had been talking about me behind my back while we’d been chummy. It’s awful that all this time I never saw it coming, that I ever thought she could be trusted. I can’t believe I misjudged someone’s character to this extent. Now I forgive her, I guess. Because that’s how she is, and there must be a reason for the way she acted. Maybe she was unhappy at home or she was insecure and jealous, I’m not sure. All I know is I don’t want to get involved in her craziness again.
Overall, I guess I felt bad for the door-slam at first, but after a while I was okay with it. Sometimes in life you need to cut out the toxic people who are constantly feeding off bad energy.
