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  1. #11
    AKA Nunki Polaris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lovefool21
    I've heard many say that chemistry often is not a good indicator of what makes for a good relationship.
    How can you have a good relationship with someone you don't click with? Chemistry is essential to a platonic or romantic relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by lovefool21
    if you have been with an INFJ for a few years, is it really plausible that they could cut you out of their lives and move on emotionally very quickly?
    Yes, it's plausible. Why wouldn't it be?

    Quote Originally Posted by lovefool21
    out of wishful thinking
    What is there to be wishful about? If someone has broken up with you, they're not your greatest match. There are better options out there for you.
    [ Ni > Ti > Fe > Fi > Ne > Te > Si > Se ][ 4w5 sp/sx ][ RLOAI ][ IEI-Ni ]

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Polaris View Post
    How can you have a good relationship with someone you don't click with? Chemistry is essential to a platonic or romantic relationship.

    Yes, it's plausible. Why wouldn't it be?

    What is there to be wishful about? If someone has broken up with you, they're not your greatest match. There are better options out there for you.
    Many would say that chemistry can be a BAD thing as it can blind you to incompatability, so I'm not sure I agree with that. E.g. the cliche of falling in love with the bad boy who you have mad chemistry with, but is a complete love rat and you have little in common with.

    Re plausiblity of being emotionally neutral to someone so soon, even after years spent with them: I find that very hard to understand or believe could be realistic given the time and emotional investment over those years?

  3. #13
    Iron Maiden Fidelia's Avatar
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    I can't speak for other people, and I haven't usually been the one initiating a break up, even when I maybe should have. However, I can say that many INFJs, myself included, invest a lot into relationships and take quite a bit of time to process and move on from them.
    Likes Stigmata liked this post

  4. #14
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    Hi. First post so hope I'm doing this properly, especially the "quotes" part.

    Unsure about your ages. Since different ages have different life experiences which leads to different advice... I'm mid-thirties.

    Originally Posted by lovefool21
    I get the impression even with marriage, it's being married and having kids that might otherwise prevent a door slam.
    I agree. INFJs use Fe unlike ENFPs who use Fi. Fe focuses on 'other people' and harmony in our social environment. If children are involved, then each child adds more feelings to consider when making a decision that's best for everyone.

    I'm married to an ESTP and we have kids, who were a major factor in my decision not to divorce my husband a few years ago when we were struggling. In addition to our children, we had been together 14 years (married 9) at that point. That's a lot of history to throw away.

    I probably would have given up if we weren't married and didn't have kids. It took a lot of effort, time and communication for us to work through it. Not everyone wants to put in that level of effort and I think the effort is, in some way, proportional to the time and history involved with the specific relationship.

    Originally Posted by lovefool21
    I just want to understand how an INFJ feels post-doorslam, about a loved one.
    If someone is door slammed, they are no longer considered a 'loved one'.

    Basically, we're putting ourselves first. (This isn't always easy for someone with more dominant Fe.) INFJs often bend over backwards for other people trying to maintain the status quo. So whatever happened, the INFJ felt the door slam was a necessary move to protect themselves from pain. This leads me to something I didn't see mentioned in the thread, or I missed it, but...

    A door slam is not about the other person. It's a self-defense mechanism used to protect ourselves (INFJ) from someone who hurts us with regularity, even if unintentional, and shows no signs of changing.

    It's like getting emotionally hit over and over and over again. If the INFJ is doing everything they can to fix a problem they see and the other party is not changing and still hitting them, there comes a point where enough is enough. We're done getting hit. We're just... done.

    In a sense, the other person is no longer considered and we no longer allow those emotions to exist. It's like turning off a faucet.

    But it's also important to note that whatever that INFJ is doing to try to fix the problem may not be perceived in the same way from the other party, especially if the cognitive functions stack is very different. It took 7 years for my husband to finally understand what I was trying to do to fix our relationship and why I was so hurt. Not because he didn't want to try, but because I wasn't explaining it in a way he understood.

    We had completely different perspectives.

    For me (INFJ - Ni Fe Ti Se), our relationship was similar to a building. It had a strong foundation and was built with love, but it required upkeep. So for me, each year we weren't connecting I saw this building start to crumble, need new paint, foundation work, plumbing, whatever. I tried to alert him to this thing needing work and was brushed aside because he didn't see the same thing.

    For him (ESTP - Se Ti Fe Ni), 10 years had passed and he saw the same building. He couldn't understand how I thought it was different because in his mind, nothing had changed.



    Wow, sorry. Rereading that sounded a bit harsh. I hope the main point I made is that a door slam is less about the individual shut out and more about the person doing the shutting. It's not an easy decision to make and it's not made lightly. I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glitter_Pancakes View Post
    Hi. First post so hope I'm doing this properly, especially the "quotes" part.

    Wow, sorry. Rereading that sounded a bit harsh. I hope the main point I made is that a door slam is less about the individual shut out and more about the person doing the shutting. It's not an easy decision to make and it's not made lightly. I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens.
    Hi and thanks very much. I'm a similar age to you, my INFJ partner I was with for just over 3 years (first relationship ever for her as she was quite a late starter, and by far my longest relationship). I fully relate to the fact that I viewed the relationship as quite solid/established like your ESTP partner, whereas she saw it as something more 'organic' shall we say, and felt I wasn't delivering on that front.

    I also think that marriage (and definitely kids, as I have one from a previous relationship but me and my INFJ ex didn't have any together) would have made her far more reluctant to walk away. And she would have seen those things as a sign of my commitment and love to her, which after 3 years I still hadn't give.

    What gets me is the difference between ending it, and ending it with absolutely ALL communication cut off for good. Which is what she did. It still feels massively harsh to me, if not for MBTI I would probably have struggled even more with it and tried in vain to change things.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glitter_Pancakes View Post

    For him (ESTP - Se Ti Fe Ni), 10 years had passed and he saw the same building. He couldn't understand how I thought it was different because in his mind, nothing had changed.
    Also this makes me feel a little envious: I am not excusing ExxP behaviour but to have a partner who would bear with you for so long without leaving, your husband is a lucky man! Perhaps with marriage by this point, and kids later, that my INFJ other half might have similarly stayed.

    I did also have issues as I loved her, and was strongly attracted to her at times, but also frequently found her behaviour and mannerisms quite eccentric and (to me) unattractive which led to me feeling distanced and different from her - which she must have picked up on. It was an on-going problem, yet I loved so many other things about her (warm and kind, intelligent, good sense of fun, loyal, pretty, loved people and places like me, similar backgrounds) that I fear I won't find this ever again.

  7. #17
    Iron Maiden Fidelia's Avatar
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    Still sounds more like you disliked the prospect of being alone than that you were really into her.

  8. #18
    Junior Member vibella's Avatar
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    Personally, quite neutral. I generally "slam the door" when I feel as though the relationship has expired and we're not doing each other any good, so I move on quickly.

  9. #19
    notte stellata Earl Grey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Hmm. I've never gotten to that point with someone unrelated whom I loved. I don't think infjs give up very easily on people they love, particularly if they haven't tried everything they can think of to salvage the relationship or they still have hope in any way. They also don't do well with lack of explanation/resolution.
    [...]

    I see so much of myself within these words. Everything you said rings true with me, though there might be a commonality that lies within "not because they are doormats who can't see, but they are stubborn idealists who don't give up easily." between fellow INFJ in general.

    At least for me, when I see so much potential in the person it becomes hard to let go, especially when I know I can do something about it, and they're someone within my inner circle. And of course, the more you invest, the more painful it would be to let go. The higher you fly the harder you fall.


    Personally, I've had the misfortune of having to doorslam 2 people in the past.

    Painful? Of course, very painful. But once it's over, it's over. It's like burning a bridge, once everything's gone, there's just no going back. It's not that you cannot go back, but you just don't feel anything about it any longer. The future is more important to me, and if that's gone, then there's nothing. The past does not matter as much, nor does the length of time spent together. After a while everything is just gone, and admittedly, to the other party, that might be even crueler than anger.

    It does shake me a little that such a thing could happen. Being able to untie all strings in such a manner, I mean.


    Editing in a small clarification: Though I mentioned the act being 'cruel', I meant in how it's perceived by others. From myself at least, there is no intent for cruelty. There never is.
    I would liken it to... Putting away the dishes. You don't feel anything about it. You just put them away.
    Once it's done, it's done. I'm clarifying this because it's extremely annoying when people think it's an act of revenge.
    No, I'm just no longer investing any energy or attention in that area / person. That is all.
    ⸻ 空蝉うつせみ 描えがく 夢ゆめ

  10. #20
    The Lost One Nico_D's Avatar
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    Well, bad, obviously, because it shouldn't have come to that. It is the last course of action for me after having tried everything else to fix things.
    "The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd."
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