User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 12

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    27

    Default this INFJ door slam has really hurt me

    Hi all,

    I am terrified at how my INFJ girlfriend of over 3 years just dumped me. The dreaded door slam - she moved her stuff out subtly before work (she kept a few bits at my place) and then in a tearful but VERY brief phone call, ended it and seems to have cut me off. Only info given is that she felt unloved and uncared for, and had for some time.

    She doesn't much set boundaries/talk about problems. I fear she was internalising much of the pain really, so complaints/warnings signs were there, but not often. She is also compared to many girls of her age (early 30s) incredibly emotionally sensitive, even by INFJ standards, and very sheltered so this made it all harder. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I was no love rat, critical, abusive, etc. - the main issue was not making enough time for her; & not being emotionally expressive and warm back most of the time, by her standards. Also lack of marriage, frequent holidays & getting a place together I suspect was an issue (though I did ask her to move into my place - frustratingly due to work I can't get back home every night).

    I won't lie, she did say last year she was unhappy and had been, but nowhere near enough to justify what just happened - things weren't particularly rocky between us right now I felt and we even had some warm jokey text exchanges this week (although we got little time in-person together in the week).

    In hindsight there were other warning signs recently (her subtly seeing less of my family particularly plus going back to hers more often).

    She obviously left because she thinks the relationship is a dead-end and will only hurt her more. What should I do all? I absolutely love her to bits and I think she actually knows that despite everything.

  2. #2
    Into the Stratosphere Stigmata's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    ESFJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/so
    Posts
    2,501

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lovefool21 View Post
    She obviously left because she thinks the relationship is a dead-end and will only hurt her more. What should I do all? I absolutely love her to bits and I think she actually knows that despite everything.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    27

    Default

    Actually I wonder if I am second-guessing her as to the conclusions she has reached on the relationship. I know she can sometimes act out on emotion as she is a very emotional person. However it is removing the items from our shared bedroom that really cut me like a knife as it makes it less spur of the moment

  4. #4
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,823

    Default

    I dunno. Sounds like there were a lot of ways she was telling you before that there was a problem and you were maybe responding to them more as if they were Ne musings aloud, rather than Ni observations after a long period of time looking for patterns. I'm not suggesting that she didn't play a role in the way things went. INFJs I think have a really hard time knowing what they are looking at if they are too zoomed into a situation, which is part of what makes boundary setting difficult. I think also both of your types tend to work better with one another at older ages, when the INFJ can communicate their needs better and be more vocal about what bothers them before it's reached a dealbreaker level and where the ENFP has honed in on what they really want, and also have developed the patience and willingness to commit to what that sort of relationship would entail.
    Likes Lark, lovefool21 liked this post

  5. #5
    .
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    8w7 sx/sp
    Posts
    9,129

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lovefool21 View Post
    the main issue was not making enough time for her; & not being emotionally expressive and warm back most of the time, by her standards. Also lack of marriage, frequent holidays & getting a place together I suspect was an issue (though I did ask her to move into my place - frustratingly due to work I can't get back home every night).
    Of these issues, particularly the ones she expressed to you, what did you do to address her needs?

  6. #6
    failed poetry slam career chubber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/sx
    Socionics
    ILI Te
    Posts
    4,346

    Default

    I honestly think, that now, after years of reading everything I could find on MBTI. MBTI will NOT tell you how to fix your relationship, it will only tell you about yourself. Socionics will tell you WHY it won't work out. But if you want to change, then I would suggest reading up on attachment style theory. And then get a good book on it. here is one: Avoidant - How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner. It was really insightful because it finally calls out all the BS some super "people orientated" types like to claim they are so good at. For example. seen some people use "boundaries" which is actually an insecure avoidant type person who insists on boundaries. Or a dismissive person that never acknowledges their partner, or anxious avoidant, preoccupied type... so many and the books will actually tell you how to change, and of course, realise when to let go. It takes two to tango, and if they stick to their way and believe only they are right, then well, letting go will be so much easier after reading up on attachment style theory.

    Intimacy in a relationship is not to be confused with codependency and some use autonomy as an excuse to get away with their dismissive behaviour and enabling that leads to codependency.

  7. #7
    take it. Pluvio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    496 so/sx
    Socionics
    IEE Ne
    Posts
    3,324

    Default

    I think you need to let her have her breathing space. She's probably fed up with her feeling so out of place in regards to just how committed you are towards her, and she probably feels that you don't take her or the relationship seriously. Especially when you wrote about not responding to her as warmly or romantically as you should? I think she just needs to be alone for a bit. And what do you mean by a lack of marriage? Does she want to get married but you don't? Please be very honest and up front so as to not accidentally jerk her emotions around or put ideas into her head that will ultimately not come true. If you see her as having all these flaws and you are more focused on your career than your relationship with her, then I suggest you let her go and let her be with someone else who can tend to her needs, just as you should find yourself someone more suited to you.

    If you still find yourself in love and missing her after a couple of weeks of silence, give her a handwritten letter or a text asking if you two should talk and clear the air. Ask her for blunt honesty on what she wants out of this relationship and what she wants for the next 5, 10, 20+ years from now. Ask her if she sees a future between the two of you and how you can improve the communication in order to fix the issues together.

    I hope this helps.
    your mother warned me about you.
    4w5-9w1-6w5

  8. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/sx
    Socionics
    EII Fi
    Posts
    11

    Default

    I feel your pain. Just went through this myself 24 year relationship. Unfortunately I too ignored what's considered a fair warning. When a partner says they're unhappy you need to listen and act on it. Trust me when I say this decision was not made overnight. In my opinion actions are the only thing that will Salvage this. Make the changes that she needs in her relationship with you. Hopefully it is not too late for you or her . Whatever you do do not beg or become clingy you will lose her forever. MHO based on experience.

  9. #9
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    27

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MEB5525 View Post
    I feel your pain. Just went through this myself 24 year relationship. Unfortunately I too ignored what's considered a fair warning. When a partner says they're unhappy you need to listen and act on it. Trust me when I say this decision was not made overnight. In my opinion actions are the only thing that will Salvage this. Make the changes that she needs in her relationship with you. Hopefully it is not too late for you or her . Whatever you do do not beg or become clingy you will lose her forever. MHO based on experience.
    I think this is spot on. Only real change will help. I am trying this. Spending dedicated time together, and really talking openly about how we feel. We are back in touch now as you can guess - I won't lie that those niggling doubts are there for me but things have been better. Perhaps we both need to demand (kindly) the changes we want in each other, and see if we can deliver. And if not then its over, but if we can change those areas that are a problem then it could be an amazing and lifelong thing.

  10. #10
    ⒺⓉⒷ Eric B's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    548 sp/sx
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    3,534

    Default

    This whole "door slam" reallys eems to go along with the temperament correlation I've always been pointing out. INFJ would likely be a combination of these two temperaments:

    Melancholy in Inclusion [INJ—social]
    Temperament:Supine in Control [NF—responsibilities/action]

    This yields a type that is rather passive (both socially and in responsibility), and inclined to not be very responsive to people (called "task-focused") on the social level, but somewhat "dependent" on the few people they do allow into their lives. (Hence, stuff like "not setting boundaries").

    This "Supine" especially, is described as "expects others to know what he/she wants and needs without telling them, expects people to read his/her mind". They have a "servant's heart", but expect acknowledgement in return. Both temperaments will be faithful and non-expressive, but then allow anger to build up, until they have a fiery reaction that is then totally unexpected.

    At this juncture, I want to point out that the whole "Fe=expressing emotions" thing is not totally accurate. Expressiveness is apart of temperament, not functions (beyond the attitude of the function, and which is dominant).
    NFJ's are rather an anomaly, as the only "directive" Feelers, meaning having a low "responsiveness" on the social level. Directive types are inclined to "reject" people or at least uninitiated interaction unless they meet a strong criteria. So it's rather hard to get into their "club", but easy to get kicked out of it. On a deeper level like a long term relationship, the Melancholy will be very loyal and longsuffering, but once you "tear it with them", that's it. (There's a third area of temperament, covering "deep personal relationships", which would obviously be involved as well, and also figure in how this plays out).

    Of the four "social" Melancholy types (IST/INJ), this dynamic sticks out more because of the Feeling and/or Supine blend. They are the softest of the Melancholies, and this will make the toughness of the Melancholy all the more sharp when it finally surfaces.
    Hence, the "door slam" being associated with only this one type out of the others sharing the social or leadership temperaments.

    A true "door slam" is said to be permanent, though I've heard of more chances being given. I'm really not sure on that. All I can say is try to see if she'll give you a chance to acknowledge her unmet needs, and you can keep the temperaments in mind in this; maybe see is she'll look at it that way as well.
    APS Profile: Inclusion: e/w=1/6 (Supine) |Control: e/w=7/3 (Choleric) |Affection: e/w=1/9 (Supine)
    Ti 54.3 | Ne 47.3 | Si 37.8 | Fe 17.7 | Te 22.5 | Ni 13.4 | Se 18.9 | Fi 27.9

    Temperament (APS) from scratch -- MBTI Type from scratch
    Type Ideas

Similar Threads

  1. Video: INFJ Door Slam
    By highlander in forum Typology Videos and RSS Feeds
    Replies: 141
    Last Post: 07-19-2016, 03:03 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ boyfriend door slammed, please help!
    By ntgirl in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 08-01-2010, 02:21 AM
  3. [INFJ] i really do despise this INFJ shit sometimes
    By Quay in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 03-23-2010, 08:13 PM
  4. [INFJ] Does this INFJ girl like me?
    By Cypocalypse in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 02-04-2009, 10:39 PM
  5. [MBTItm] Do you really want to hurt me? (here's your chance!)
    By miss fortune in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 106
    Last Post: 01-02-2008, 09:22 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO