[INFJ] this INFJ door slam has really hurt me

[lovefool21]

Hi all,

I am terrified at how my INFJ girlfriend of over 3 years just dumped me. The dreaded door slam - she moved her stuff out subtly before work (she kept a few bits at my place) and then in a tearful but VERY brief phone call, ended it and seems to have cut me off. Only info given is that she felt unloved and uncared for, and had for some time.

She doesn't much set boundaries/talk about problems. I fear she was internalising much of the pain really, so complaints/warnings signs were there, but not often. She is also compared to many girls of her age (early 30s) incredibly emotionally sensitive, even by INFJ standards, and very sheltered so this made it all harder. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I was no love rat, critical, abusive, etc. - the main issue was not making enough time for her; & not being emotionally expressive and warm back most of the time, by her standards. Also lack of marriage, frequent holidays & getting a place together I suspect was an issue (though I did ask her to move into my place - frustratingly due to work I can't get back home every night).

I won't lie, she did say last year she was unhappy and had been, but nowhere near enough to justify what just happened - things weren't particularly rocky between us right now I felt and we even had some warm jokey text exchanges this week (although we got little time in-person together in the week).

In hindsight there were other warning signs recently (her subtly seeing less of my family particularly plus going back to hers more often).

She obviously left because she thinks the relationship is a dead-end and will only hurt her more. What should I do all? I absolutely love her to bits and I think she actually knows that despite everything.

 

[Stigmata]

She obviously left because she thinks the relationship is a dead-end and will only hurt her more. What should I do all? I absolutely love her to bits and I think she actually knows that despite everything.

 

[lovefool21]

Actually I wonder if I am second-guessing her as to the conclusions she has reached on the relationship. I know she can sometimes act out on emotion as she is a very emotional person. However it is removing the items from our shared bedroom that really cut me like a knife as it makes it less spur of the moment

 

[Fidelia]

I dunno. Sounds like there were a lot of ways she was telling you before that there was a problem and you were maybe responding to them more as if they were Ne musings aloud, rather than Ni observations after a long period of time looking for patterns. I'm not suggesting that she didn't play a role in the way things went. INFJs I think have a really hard time knowing what they are looking at if they are too zoomed into a situation, which is part of what makes boundary setting difficult. I think also both of your types tend to work better with one another at older ages, when the INFJ can communicate their needs better and be more vocal about what bothers them before it's reached a dealbreaker level and where the ENFP has honed in on what they really want, and also have developed the patience and willingness to commit to what that sort of relationship would entail.

 

[rav3n]

the main issue was not making enough time for her; & not being emotionally expressive and warm back most of the time, by her standards. Also lack of marriage, frequent holidays & getting a place together I suspect was an issue (though I did ask her to move into my place - frustratingly due to work I can't get back home every night).

Of these issues, particularly the ones she expressed to you, what did you do to address her needs?

 

[chubber]

I honestly think, that now, after years of reading everything I could find on MBTI. MBTI will NOT tell you how to fix your relationship, it will only tell you about yourself. Socionics will tell you WHY it won't work out. But if you want to change, then I would suggest reading up on attachment style theory. And then get a good book on it. here is one: Avoidant - How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner. It was really insightful because it finally calls out all the BS some super "people orientated" types like to claim they are so good at. For example. seen some people use "boundaries" which is actually an insecure avoidant type person who insists on boundaries. Or a dismissive person that never acknowledges their partner, or anxious avoidant, preoccupied type... so many and the books will actually tell you how to change, and of course, realise when to let go. It takes two to tango, and if they stick to their way and believe only they are right, then well, letting go will be so much easier after reading up on attachment style theory.

Intimacy in a relationship is not to be confused with codependency and some use autonomy as an excuse to get away with their dismissive behaviour and enabling that leads to codependency.

 

[Norrsken]

I think you need to let her have her breathing space. She's probably fed up with her feeling so out of place in regards to just how committed you are towards her, and she probably feels that you don't take her or the relationship seriously. Especially when you wrote about not responding to her as warmly or romantically as you should? I think she just needs to be alone for a bit. And what do you mean by a lack of marriage? Does she want to get married but you don't? Please be very honest and up front so as to not accidentally jerk her emotions around or put ideas into her head that will ultimately not come true. If you see her as having all these flaws and you are more focused on your career than your relationship with her, then I suggest you let her go and let her be with someone else who can tend to her needs, just as you should find yourself someone more suited to you.

If you still find yourself in love and missing her after a couple of weeks of silence, give her a handwritten letter or a text asking if you two should talk and clear the air. Ask her for blunt honesty on what she wants out of this relationship and what she wants for the next 5, 10, 20+ years from now. Ask her if she sees a future between the two of you and how you can improve the communication in order to fix the issues together.

I hope this helps.

 

[MEB5525]

I feel your pain. Just went through this myself 24 year relationship. Unfortunately I too ignored what's considered a fair warning. When a partner says they're unhappy you need to listen and act on it. Trust me when I say this decision was not made overnight. In my opinion actions are the only thing that will Salvage this. Make the changes that she needs in her relationship with you. Hopefully it is not too late for you or her . Whatever you do do not beg or become clingy you will lose her forever. MHO based on experience.

 

[lovefool21]

I feel your pain. Just went through this myself 24 year relationship. Unfortunately I too ignored what's considered a fair warning. When a partner says they're unhappy you need to listen and act on it. Trust me when I say this decision was not made overnight. In my opinion actions are the only thing that will Salvage this. Make the changes that she needs in her relationship with you. Hopefully it is not too late for you or her . Whatever you do do not beg or become clingy you will lose her forever. MHO based on experience.

I think this is spot on. Only real change will help. I am trying this. Spending dedicated time together, and really talking openly about how we feel. We are back in touch now as you can guess - I won't lie that those niggling doubts are there for me but things have been better. Perhaps we both need to demand (kindly) the changes we want in each other, and see if we can deliver. And if not then its over, but if we can change those areas that are a problem then it could be an amazing and lifelong thing.

 

[Eric B]

This whole "door slam" reallys eems to go along with the temperament correlation I've always been pointing out. INFJ would likely be a combination of these two temperaments:

Melancholy in Inclusion [INJ—social]
Temperament:Supine in Control [NF—responsibilities/action]

This yields a type that is rather passive (both socially and in responsibility), and inclined to not be very responsive to people (called "task-focused") on the social level, but somewhat "dependent" on the few people they do allow into their lives. (Hence, stuff like "not setting boundaries").

This "Supine" especially, is described as "expects others to know what he/she wants and needs without telling them, expects people to read his/her mind". They have a "servant's heart", but expect acknowledgement in return. Both temperaments will be faithful and non-expressive, but then allow anger to build up, until they have a fiery reaction that is then totally unexpected.

At this juncture, I want to point out that the whole "Fe=expressing emotions" thing is not totally accurate. Expressiveness is apart of temperament, not functions (beyond the attitude of the function, and which is dominant).
NFJ's are rather an anomaly, as the only "directive" Feelers, meaning having a low "responsiveness" on the social level. Directive types are inclined to "reject" people or at least uninitiated interaction unless they meet a strong criteria. So it's rather hard to get into their "club", but easy to get kicked out of it. On a deeper level like a long term relationship, the Melancholy will be very loyal and longsuffering, but once you "tear it with them", that's it. (There's a third area of temperament, covering "deep personal relationships", which would obviously be involved as well, and also figure in how this plays out).

Of the four "social" Melancholy types (IST/INJ), this dynamic sticks out more because of the Feeling and/or Supine blend. They are the softest of the Melancholies, and this will make the toughness of the Melancholy all the more sharp when it finally surfaces.
Hence, the "door slam" being associated with only this one type out of the others sharing the social or leadership temperaments.

A true "door slam" is said to be permanent, though I've heard of more chances being given. I'm really not sure on that. All I can say is try to see if she'll give you a chance to acknowledge her unmet needs, and you can keep the temperaments in mind in this; maybe see is she'll look at it that way as well.

 

[MEB5525]

Good to hear. Relationship problems are like the trash under the sink if they're not taken out every so often they begin to stink. If I could do it all over again I would make an appointment once a week to discuss the issues of the week. I would also make sure they are resolved not just discussed. Hope it works out it sounds like you are committed and care for deeply.

 

[lovefool21]

As an update, it's over. I tried to change for her and saw her a little bit after the first door slam, but now she has well and truly cut me off for good, as of today. I am very sad (and also hurt that she could she cut me off completely). But I see that as final, I think she has reached a final conclusion that we are out of each others lives forever. The finality of it is hard to take but I also agree it may well be the right thing.