[MBTI General] Common Ground in Conflict? (INFJ x INTJ)

[Heironymous]

*Looking for input on creating a communication bridge between our Auxiliary Functions when we're in conflict or trying to create goals*... I'm an INFJ male in a long-term relationship with an INTJ female.

My main frustration is looking at our life course together and seeing very little progress toward long-term goals or even just setting those goals in the first place.

We have arguments where I'll delineate how I see our current life patterns extrapolating into the future and how some of these are extremely negative and will result in net losses and bummer emotions for both of us; then I will point to alterations in the present moment that would lead to better outcomes down the road. A lot of this has to do with struggling with mood disorders and operating at less than optimal levels of functionality. So, I'll go about creating a game plan which centers around creating a better neuro-biological foundation from which better outcomes will naturally flow (IMHO very objectively and logically). ie "these things should take priority in the relationship":

1. Get better sleep (reduce myriad negative results of sleep deprivation and dysregulated circadian rhythm on mood)
2. Improve diet (better brain fuel, less inflammation, better health into the future)
3. Meditate (destress, improve neurology at a structural level)
4. Exercise or do Yoga (destress, improve physiology, enhance mood and energy)
5. Reduce Vices (stop smoking, greatly diminish alcohol and sugar consumption)

All of these things create synergistic feedback that improve mood and cognition and ultimately inform how we relate to each other (there's my Fe end game). What is bizarre to me is that I (who has a Bachelors in Psychology and some valid knowledge in the subject area) will lay these things out (in flow charts, in diagrams, with extensive scientific research cited and backing them) and my partner, who is supposedly presenting to the world through her Te auxiliary function, will not alter her behavior at all.

I feel like as our relationship has developed over the past 4 years I've moved farther and farther away from the empathy outrage of things like "HOW DO YOU THINK THIS MAKES ME FEEL AS A PARTNER?!" and just started objectively laying out research and facts and how this will impact our end game (Te)... but what the hell? All to no avail.

Can someone take a stab at this? Preferably with some discussion of the cognitive stack dimensions which we don't share in common? INTJ input would be especially appreciated.

 

[notmyapples]

It is possible that you are speaking two different languages to each other. Ni dominants can be quite singular in their ways and need to make special effort to understand where the opposing partner is coming from. For example, in a Te perspective, it may be that the INTJ does not see the use of your answers to the problems you face because they are not directly applicable solutions. Te can be very 'I want an answer to this problem quickly and efficiently' and getting better sleep doesn't make objective sense when you're working to improve your relationship with your partner. It may to you, but it might not to them.

And it does not help that Fe can occasionally expect others to fulfill certain expectations that they don't make clear. Perhaps it is a no brainer to you that making the effort to do these small things are important, but the INTJ may not realize because you have not spoken to them in a way their Te can grasp. Try sitting down with them and having a blunt conversation. Not laying out a rubric or schedule of exercise and diet, but a one-on-one discussion of what you wish for the relationship to improve on and exactly why you think these things are important while asking for their input on the same.

 

[Madboot]

It is possible that you are speaking two different languages to each other. Ni dominants can be quite singular in their ways and need to take special effort to understand where the opposing partner is coming from. For example, in a Te perspective, it may be that the INTJ does not see the use of your answers to the problems you face because they are not directly applicable solutions. Te can be very 'I want an answer to this problem quickly and efficiently' and getting better sleep doesn't make objective sense when you're working to improve your relationship with your partner. It may to you, but it might not to them.

And it does not help that Fe can occasionally expect others to fulfill certain expectations that they don't make clear. Perhaps it is a no brainer to you that making the effort to do these small things are important, but the INTJ may not realize because you have not spoken to them in a way their Te can grasp. Try sitting down with them and having a blunt conversation. Not laying out a rubric or schedule of exercise and diet, but a one-on-way discussion of what you wish for the relationship to improve on and exactly why you think these things are important while asking for their input on the same.

This. Also, try one thing at a time. As an INTJ, I do not like being harried by multiple gripes at once. I know you are trying to gripe, but it can come across that way. Sleep more, eat less, stop drinking, work out more. All of these make sense, but all at once just sounds like nagging. Pick one and lay out a plan to make it happen, and work. Suggest getting membership to a gym maybe, in order to improve physical fitness. That makes sense, and is an immediately actionable idea.