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  1. #1
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    Default Bloody Fi purge! Your inferior cousin needs some dominant and auxiliary guidance.

    To preface:

    I love you XNFPs and unbeknownst to me, always have. For one, it's been edifying and validating to see some of my all-time favorite humans (writers, musicians, actors, thinkers, etc...) being typed as XNFP. Even before learning about typology and gaining a deeper understanding of Jungian cognitive functions, I was actively working on (what I now know to be) Fi development because a lack of it had reaped much unnecessary hardship onto my life. Therefore, I think that conscientious journey led me to people that embodied their Fi with vigor and authenticity and helped me get in touch with my own, for which I am eternally grateful.

    And now on to the issue at hand (this is a long read but I'm trying to give relatively detailed information that might help you to help me):

    For a little under a decade, since high school, I've had an on and off, pseudo-platonic, quasi-romantic, eternal soulmate, occasional f-buddy relationship with this ebullient, effervescent, deeply insightful, dreamy eyed, pixie warrior priestess (INFP) that, in my relatively short life, has always stood a mile apart from the "Gone Girl/Cersei Lannister/Elle Driver/Cookie Lyon/Harley Quinn/Akasha, Queen of the Damned" fare I've usually attracted
    [strike]...and been equally attracted to[/strike].

    Our first interaction was a classroom debate turned bloodstained duel to the death over the ethics of eating animals (I swear on the atom, this is not a utilization of an NFP stereotype lol). Something clicked (energy + angst + lust + social isolation + troubled pasts), and from there, this happened >



    I'd never before intimately known someone who had the chasm of incongruously layered emotionality she possessed--ostensibly she experienced feelings in a plethora of shades from eggshell, hunter green, and cobalt blue to neon yellow and not only that, could verbalize them as such. Meanwhile, I only had ready access to basic black, white, red (all degrees of rage), grey, and at my best, a metallic gold. Though wholly confounding, maddening and taxing to me, I had never felt more woke and unchained and set free. It was intoxicating to experience a wider array, a more diverse palette of feelings. I obviously never reached her depths, patterns and colors, but even experiencing a trifle more than I was previously accustomed to felt like a massive, tectonic plate moving, internal shift.

    She saw me shed an actual, solitary tear once under extreme duress but in better times, just by staring into my eyes and smiling on a whim she could easily make me mist up with soul purifying relief, which was a gargantuan, almost incomprehensible feat for lesser mortals and I truly honestly never before felt so connected to someone on a level that was nigh impossible to articulate in a rational way. And particularly when she was sad and grieving (probably because of me), which often left me feeling inadequate because I was too emotionally dumb and powerless to effectively help--which, in and of itself, beset me with very real, very potent, personal "trigger" landmines. Especially back then, I neither spoke of nor experienced emotions with great affect. I understood them cognitively and intellectually, but to actually engage them with my "heart" felt like a blind man wading neck-deep in cement.

    My take on our biggest, most immediate problem aside from all the other reasons this union was likely to fail? We just spoke completely different cognitive "languages (Ni vs Si? Dom Fi vs Inferior Fi? Dom Te vs. Inferior Te?)" that always created endless communication gaffs, roadblocks and nuclear disasters. For example:

    Pixie: "Did I see you at Starbucks earlier today with Cersei f%#king Lannister when you were supposed to be at a study group?"
    Me: "That was the study group."
    Pixie: *heart imploding with the force of a billion suns* "Why didn't you tell me that?"
    Me: *blistering dispassion with a hint of exasperated bemusement* "Look, our past relationship is just that, in the past. You have nothing to feel insecure about. It was harmless, only work. You know I love you."
    Pixie: "That's not what I asked you! Stop lying and trying to hide and sugarcoat things! You know I hate that brother f%#king bitch! Why didn't you tell me you were going to see her?
    Me: *voice box shredding like the Hulk's Capri pants* "Because that was fucking irrelevant. She was put in a group with me! Her strategy to double-cross Dany and Jon will fall to shit, for Christ sakes. Are you happy now? You always focus on the wrong thing!"

    She always wanted to know the exact details behind what actually happened in a very direct, matter of fact way (perhaps to refine the many possibilities she generated for why I would withhold supposedly important information from her), whereas I always instinctively and immediately went to why I did something or the "why" concerning the underlying problem, because the "why," the deeper meaning (should and theoretically, in my mind) supersedes anything else, and especially when problem solving and coming up with a viable solution imo.


    Ultimately, it just didn't work. Idiotically yet idealistically, we wouldn't let that stop us. We broke up and got back together a few times before deciding that we were better off as this nebulous, ill defined glob of corrupted love and unresolved daddy/mommy abandonment issues that maybe one day might actually not fall apart at the seams just as it's getting good again. The whole idea and its subsequent execution was dysfunctional, unhealthy, ridiculous and plain ol stupid, but I gather this was us trying to be intense, brooding and deep. Dunno exactly. We'd go on to see other people and sometimes, in between relationships, link up again. Usually we couldn't reach a year and a half before we wound up back in the other's arms/bed.

    Moving on. She experienced a tragedy (by her standards) about 3 years ago while I was literally on the opposite side of the planet and whereas I would've normally come flying to her aid with an S on my chest, I made the conscious choice not to. Already enduring my ascent to power (lol) being stifled because of my brokedown Fi usage as it pertains to my burgeoning career, I resented yet another unwieldy force (Pixie) possessing that type of influence over me as well; I defiantly chose self-interest above anyone or anything else (like I'm instinctively wont to do, right or wrong, good or bad). She kept trying to reach me to the point of flooding all of our communication channels with emotional spam (from childish antics to vile, unforgivable diatribes). After a while, I felt bad, decided to reach out to her but was ignored for 2.5 years straight. That had never happened before--it broke our unspoken rule, which devastated me more than I realized. I grieved (rather poorly by over-utilizing Se), but eventually tucked it away, moved on and focused on work. I figured we were never meant to be anyway but that I would still love her (from afar) and wish her the best regardless.

    Lo and behold, she called me last night out of nowhere, drunkenly seeping concentrated pain, spewing regret, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, hatred and then love for me. She says, through tears, that she's still in love with me and wants to know if there's any chance for an "us." I felt terrible and thoroughly confused. I tried to listen and be supportive (my Te is completely inept at properly addressing/handling others' intense feelings)--I just don't naturally "speak" emotions in an unforced, compassionate, empathetic, organic manner. I'm better than I used to be but I was blindsided, taken aback and don't think I did much good.

    Honestly, I don't need or want this in my life right now; I'm so engrossed in my work and achieving my goals and going by what she was saying over the phone, she's still stuck in past patterns of dysfunction. I don't want that anymore. But I truly do care for her and want her to be well and happy--just not with me and not right now, at least. I hate that she is suffering but I don't know what, if anything, I should/could do to remedy this.

    And now, finally, here are my questions to you smart, capable, helpful people*/**:

    1. When you are expressing your feelings (whether "good" or "bad"), what is the best way to respond to this that will make you feel heard, understood and validated?

    2. When overcome with negative feelings that seem too powerful and unrelenting, how do you self-soothe (using safe + legal methods)?

    3. Is there anyway I can speak my truth and tell her honestly where I'm at and what I want at this point in my life without further hurting her? Should I do it regardless or is it better to wait for when she's more stable?

    4. Tangent, now that I have you > How do you know what you value? (Is that a stupid question? lol) I think I know what I value ("money-power-respect," knowledge, meaning/substance, fairness, justice, individuality) but it can be hard to finesse on the spot (when asked) and not come off as crude and unrefined. Do you spend a lot of time going over in your mind what is meaningful and significant to you, or do you just know somehow? (like how I seemingly "know" and intuit stuff via introverted intuition)

    To those who made it all the way to the end, thank you. I would really really really really appreciate some help. I have very few people in my life I trust to give me strong emotions related advice and none of them are XNFPs. Their emotions are just as trash and poorly developed as mine are. lol


    *Obviously, there are a multitude of ways that people respond to these things that exclude type but I'm looking for any and all variations, particularly from XNFPs and anyone else who can provide insight.
    **And I will shamelessly bump this thread until I obtain the breadth of insight I seek.
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  2. #2
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    This was beautifully written. You'd probably charm the pants and armor off of me too. (I'm a lady person)
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Digital Lion View Post
    To preface: [...snipped]
    Forgive the typos, I typed this on the fly and didn't really proof it.

    First-level Fi-Dom:

    In normal "sane" mode, Fi-Dom never expresses to outsiders what's really important to it. Fi-Dom is aloof, kind of uncaring, self-contained. Outsiders don't need to know what Fi-Dom cherishes (dreams, fantasies, wishes, hopes). If you're an outsider, you just make your best case and the Fi-Dom reacts positively or negatively. And you never really know what motivates them; you just trust the fact that Fi is a rational function and that whatever arrangement you reached with them will continue to remain operative on that basis.

    Second-level Fi-Dom:

    When an Fi-Dom is in "distressed" or "bitchy" mode, an outsider may think they're seeing the Fi-Dom's feelings. But they aren't. What they are seeing is the Fi-Dom's shadow functions "leaking out" around the edges or even possibly rearing up in "daemonic" form. That is, Fi-Dom is buried too deep to help in dealing with real-world problems, so real-world problems tend to be dealt with via shadow functions. (See my blog for further explanation of that mechanism.) Hence Fi-Dom bitchiness or domineering mode. A good example would be the Starbucks argument you had with Pixie. That was very probably shadow or daemonic Te rising up.

    Furthermore there's not much you can do about an Fi-Dom in "distressed" or "bitchy" mode. Since it's a shadow function that's operating, the Fi-Dom won't recognize that they are being unreasonable; they'll just put it all on you. So you just have to negotiate some kind of compromise, yield outright, or tell them to fuck off. In other words, deal with it in normal Te mode or some other "adult" mode.

    Third-level Fi-Dom:

    Sometimes an Fi-Dom gets so distressed that they'll actually spill out a big confession of the dreams, fantasies, wishes, hopes that are driving them. But since they are in "distressed" mode (like in second-level Fi-Dom), it will kind of come across as extortion: "Give me all this, or you're a monster." Kind of like your girlfriend last night. Anyway, you deal with Third-level Fi-Dom the same way as Second-level Fi-Dom. Negotiate. Tell them, "I'm willing to give you X, but you have to give me Y in return." IOW, tell her to put on her big-girl pants and deal with it like an adult. Or yield outright, or tell her to fuck off.

    Final note:

    Notice that nowhere in this list did you (as an outsider) ever have access to her Fi-Dom. At no time were you ever in a position to soothe her or manage her or otherwise influence what's driving her Fi-Dom. If you want that kind of power, go date an Fe-Dom. But remember that Fe-Dom is a double-edged sword; you get access to the Fe-Dom's emotions, but they also want access to yours.

    As to how Fi-Doms self-soothe: Same as everyone else. Cry on a friend's shoulder, eat a bucket of ice cream, distract themselves with favorite movies, then move on by starting a new work-out regimen or hobby.
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  4. #4
    Fabula rasa Kas's Avatar
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    1. When you are expressing your feelings (whether "good" or "bad"), what is the best way to respond to this that will make you feel heard, understood and validated?
    To be honest it doesn't really matter. I rarely express what is really important to me because it's part of me and when I do it's simply because I trust them and want them to know. The reaction doesn't matter. Only once I was displeased when someone right a way changed subject because I wasn't sure they've heard me (they did).

    2. When overcome with negative feelings that seem too powerful and unrelenting, how do you self-soothe (using safe + legal methods)?
    I can tell you, but I believe it's individual and won't be any helpful

    3. Is there anyway I can speak my truth and tell her honestly where I'm at and what I want at this point in my life without further hurting her? Should I do it regardless or is it better to wait for when she's more stable?
    I don't know situation as you do. But if you are sure what don't won't this in your life any more, I think you should talk to her. Probably you'll hurt her, but it's better than being dishonest.

    4. Tangent, now that I have you > How do you know what you value? (Is that a stupid question? lol) I think I know what I value ("money-power-respect," knowledge, meaning/substance, fairness, justice, individuality) but it can be hard to finesse on the spot (when asked) and not come off as crude and unrefined. Do you spend a lot of time going over in your mind what is meaningful and significant to you, or do you just know somehow? (like how I seemingly "know" and intuit stuff via introverted intuition)
    I just know.
    But from my experience still answering this question is awkward because a)it's quite private b) listing these matters seems artificial and meaningless, it's different in context when you discuss particular thing/case or when you express your values by actions.
    “The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes." A.C. Doyle

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  5. #5
    ϚᗩᑎᑕTᑌᗩᖇY Luminous's Avatar
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    I agree with Peter Deadpan. Beautifully written.

    One of the first things that pops out to me in answering question #1 is that in order to make her feel heard, understood, and validated is for you to not judge her Fi. That is not what she wants from you, unless she explicitly asks it of you. An example of this is when you said "She experienced a tragedy (by her standards)". While I get that you are providing us more information with your qualification, if she were to read/hear it, it would not make her feel validated. Her Fi is what it is, regardless of what you think or feel about it. You can tell her you don't agree, sure, BUT that will go over better if you add that you understand/appreciate it's important to her because xyz and because you respect her, you will xyz.

    I am not sure how you can lessen the blow of your not wanting a relationship with her right now (important question: does that include friendship?). My own experience in not being responded to in several situations made me feel as if the other person didn't care about me, respect me, or value me enough to even try to be honest with me. That made me hurt that much more... not only did s/he not want whatever it was I was hoping for, but I also lost something I didn't think I'd lose, which is the feeling/idea s/he ever was my friend or ever cared at all.
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  6. #6
    yap yap yap xenaprincess's Avatar
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    Oh...
    I know an ENTJ and so can totally understand (I think?) the dynamic. You are her knight in shining armor. Capable, confident and you're both smart and have great chemistry. Alas. She probably reached out to you because she feels she needs saving.

    1. Best way to respond.. I would say do it gently. The sound of one's voice should carry sincerity. We respond to that.
    2. Self soothing... for me, escapism. Binge watching stuff on tv. Coffee. Isolation.
    3. Hurting her ... there's no way to avoid this. I would say letting her know sooner is better, but not too soon. She should sense your reluctance.
    4. Values... I think it's nebulous for me i.e. I don't define them in my head. But definitely have them!

    I think if she somehow sees that she taps into a special, inner part of you, it will mean a lot to her. Admitting that you don't know exactly what to say is not bad, either, because it shows you are not invulnerable.

    I'm rooting for this turning out okay!
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  7. #7
    yap yap yap xenaprincess's Avatar
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    I have to say, too...that she called you when drunk. So her emotions must have been intensified.
    Also, it makes sense that she's thinking about the past. She's idealizing across distance and time.

    Anyways, this is to say I'd take her phone call with an itty bitty grain of salt. She probably feels these things an a slightly lesser level when sober.

    Lastly, I think the TJ-FP pairing is a great one, and even better when you are both N people, because you are less opposite than if you were an N paired with and S. The only thing about it is that you're very different, and so there is a great distance to span in terms of understanding each other.
    Last edited by xenaprincess; 01-15-2018 at 04:33 AM.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by xenaprincess View Post
    I have to say, too...that she called you when drunk. So her emotions must have been intensified.
    Also, it makes sense that she's thinking about the past. She's idealizing across distance and time.

    Anyways, this is to say I'd take her phone call with an itty bitty grain of salt. She probably feels these things an a slightly lesser level when sober.

    Lastly, I think the TJ-FP pairing is a great one, and even better when you are both N people, because you less opposite than if you were an N paired with and S. The only thing about it is that you're very different, and so there is a great distance to span in terms of understanding each other.


    You were right, the alcohol indeed was an amplifier! We just finished an exhaustive 3 hour phone call but it was, thankfully, overall a very different experience. Historically, when sober minded and relatively balanced, she's rather elusive, laconic and reticent about outwardly revealing deep feelings, which I relate to, of course. But throughout the entirety of our relationship, that falsely led me to believe that we were "the same" emotionally, in the sense that how our emotions manifested or were expressed superficially were an exact replication of what was happening internally (shallow and/or repressed under normal usage, but potentially explosive with the right stimulants). But I now see that was a grossly inaccurate reading.

    In the heat of an emotionally charged discussion or argument for example, we both find it very difficult to articulate precisely what we feel, but for slightly different reasons it seems (correct me if I'm wrong)--it's like the intensity by which she may viscerally experience a particularly feeling (that she can better identify, recognize and name, maybe?) can be too overwhelming and at times, bubble to the surface, whereas I'll usually be feeling something, that may or may not feel intense, but either way, I won't know what the hell that feeling is or what it means in the moment. Did that come out right? Let me try again (I always feel so dumb trying to analyze feelings lol)...her feelings seem intense but powerfully focused, whereas mine can also be intense (or not) > either extremely repressed or completely diffused, volatile and unrefined. I guess all I'm saying is that her introverted feeling is a lot more consistently tidy and better organized and mine, simply a fucking mess or completely tucked away in a locked suitcase, buried deep in the back of some storage facility; and even when her feelings also seem a bit messy, it's more like a concentrated ball of mess, whereas mine is like a mess strewn all over the floor. lol

    But the good thing is, when Pixie chooses to, she can express her feelings in amazingly lucid and articulate ways. And that's what happened tonight. She had been feeling a little melancholic lately (somewhat but not directly related to me), had one too many drinks, and made the near fatal mistake of picking up the phone. But I tried to show her that there was no reason to feel ashamed and that there was certainly no love lost between us because of this. Furthermore, I was able to tell my truth, which she seemed to take well. So, as of now, we're talking again, which honestly gives me a little bit of anxiety but more than that, makes me happy. I didn't like being disconnected for so long but now we're trying to have boundaries and slowly build to a greater mutual understanding of each other, what we want, and what's possible going forth.

    Thanks again to you and everyone else for your insights. Really appreciate it.
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by YUI View Post
    In normal "sane" mode, Fi-Dom never expresses to outsiders what's really important to it. Fi-Dom is aloof, kind of uncaring, self-contained. Outsiders don't need to know what Fi-Dom cherishes (dreams, fantasies, wishes, hopes). If you're an outsider, you just make your best case and the Fi-Dom reacts positively or negatively. And you never really know what motivates them; you just trust the fact that Fi is a rational function and that whatever arrangement you reached with them will continue to remain operative on that basis.
    In my relationship with Pixie, I'd usually call her out on the emboldened as being narcissistic and selfish (and I damn sure knew of which I spoke lol). But from how you describe it, it seems more like being self-absorbed, which is not exactly the same thing as being selfish. With introverted feeling, it seems as if the intensity of one's emotions can cloud out another person's emotions, thereby creating a buffer that may limit one's ability to empathize, if you will. Does that ring true? I'd always be begging her to put herself in my shoes (at the time, I was into a shit ton of self-help where I was actively working on being empathetic) and she'd always respond with "my feelings are my own, your feelings are yours, I can't feel how you feel." And that always struck me as amazingly unempathetic and cold. But is it correct that Fi can only really empathize if it's experienced the same situation/feelings as the person whose emotions they are attempting to take in? Because I very much so relate to that. Cognitive empathy comes very naturally to me but "affective" empathy has always been a challenge.

    Quote Originally Posted by YUI View Post
    Notice that nowhere in this list did you (as an outsider) ever have access to her Fi-Dom. At no time were you ever in a position to soothe her or manage her or otherwise influence what's driving her Fi-Dom.
    So helpful and freeing to know. It's hard though--my immediate instinct is to "fix." And not just to be some bossy busy body, but because I want to solve the problem and help more than anything. Dom Fi just seems to castrate the balls off of my Dom Te. It's quite literally unpleasant and makes my mind hurt.

    I've also been slowly coming to the realization that I'm an HSP and that was always operating underneath the surface, complicating an already ridiculously convoluted situation. I can read faces down to a stray tick, notice subtle shifts in mood and temperaments, etc... and growing up, I was surrounded by unhealthy Fe users that would manipulate the weather if they could. Therefore, people palpably wearing and expressing (consciously or otherwise) their feelings to/towards/around me has always felt like a manipulation (so skewed and fucked up lol).

    I could always tell when Pixie was bothered and upset though she actually did a pretty convincing job of trying to hide it. And usually (based off of regularly occurring patterns), I'd assume that her discomfort was most likely due to "us," which would cause me great anxiety, and then compulsively compel me to fix whatever the issue was. I'd always ask her off the top "what's wrong," "what are you feeling?" and she'd usually hit me with "my feelings are my own, not yours. You can't change how I feel." And that shit always drove me crazy, and not in a spongy empathic way, but more from an insecure place that if she was constantly upset and unhappy, then she might leave me and I really didn't want that to happen. Fortunately/unfortunately, most of my life has been dedicated to fixing things, not excluding people when necessary and if possible. The idea that something can't be fixed is anathema to me, but at the same time, it's not my job to fix everything. Don't get paid enough to do all that.

    And then, when this would happen:

    Quote Originally Posted by YUI View Post
    Sometimes an Fi-Dom gets so distressed that they'll actually spill out a big confession of the dreams, fantasies, wishes, hopes are driving them. But since they are in "distressed" mode (like in second-level Fi-Dom), it will kind of come across as extortion: "Give me all this, or you're a monster." Kind of like your girlfriend last night.
    It would reaffirm my deeply entrenched confirmation bias that people do actually try to manipulate others with feelings and I'd rage against it like a hellion or completely shut all systems down and go numb. Humanity has seemingly endless ways of imparting nihilism, distrust and misery. But cheers, nonetheless!

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Digital Lion View Post
    In my relationship with Pixie, I'd usually call her out on the emboldened as being narcissistic and selfish (and I damn sure knew of which I spoke lol). But from how you describe it, it seems more like being self-absorbed, which is not exactly the same thing as being selfish. With introverted feeling, it seems as if the intensity of one's emotions can cloud out another person's emotions, thereby creating a buffer that may limit one's ability to empathize, if you will. Does that ring true? I'd always be begging her to put herself in my shoes (at the time, I was into a shit ton of self-help where I was actively working on being empathetic) and she'd always respond with "my feelings are my own, your feelings are yours, I can't feel how you feel." And that always struck me as amazingly unempathetic and cold.
    Yes, basically the "starting point" for all introverts is that of a closed circle: Their Dom function focuses inwardly on their inner world, and they pretty much just want to fend off the demands of the outer world, which is done via "leakage" from their shadow functions in the form of irritable, peevish boundaries. As introverts mature, they gain more empathy and learn to use their shadow functions in a more effective and direct manner, accommodating the demands of the outer world in a more mature fashion.

    Quote Originally Posted by Digital Lion View Post
    But is it correct that Fi can only really empathize if it's experienced the same situation/feelings as the person whose emotions they are attempting to take in?
    Introverts like to build internal "complexes" or "constellations" of ideas: Fantasies, daydreams, plans for the future, favorite theories or hypotheses, favorite hobbies, ideas about relationships, people, etc. They invest lots of mental energy ("libido") in the particular "complexes" of ideas that interest them. And when they scan the outside world around them, they look for things that will relate to or reflect their favorite internal "complexes" of ideas.

    If none of the things in the outside world relates to any of her favorite "complexes," then the Introvert takes no interest in the outside world. She's largely immune to the random attractions of the outside world; she only cares about things that relate to pre-existing "complexes" in her head.

    On the other hand, if something in the outside world relates to an internal "complex" of ideas, then the Introvert can become quite excited and animated. She has so much mental energy ("libido") focused on her "complexes," that the energy can explode and spill out when she finds something in the outside world that's related to a "complex."

    From this, you get the stereotype of the empathetic Fi-Dom. As you say, Pixie can suddenly relate to things and people in the outside world if she can relate them to her internal Fi-Dom interests, that is, one of her "complexes" of ideas. Basically, it's a form of transference or projection.

    In extreme cases, this becomes the genesis for the "crusading INFP" stereotype. The INFP runs around from one cause to the next, looking for wounded people to help. The connection gives the INFP a strong burst of mental energy ("libido") in the form of empathy. But since it's largely transference or projection, it can end up with the INFP projecting her own needs onto the recipient of her assistance. The INFP isn't actually hearing the recipient's true needs. In the end, the recipient isn't really helped by the INFP, so the recipient is ungrateful in the end, and the INFP is disillusioned by the ingratitude of the recipient. Over time, the INFP goes from being a social crusader to an embittered cynic, burnt out by what she perceives to be an ungrateful world.

    Probably more than you wanted to know. But that's kind of the nature of Fi-Dom "empathy": There's a lot of projection of the Fi-Dom's own desires and needs involved. Jung talked about all this in his section on Fi-Doms in "Psychological Types."

    Quote Originally Posted by Digital Lion View Post
    So helpful and freeing to know. It's hard though--my immediate instinct is to "fix." And not just to be some bossy busy body, but because I want to solve the problem and help more than anything. Dom Fi just seems to castrate the balls off of my Dom Te. It's quite literally unpleasant and makes my mind hurt.
    As I said, above: As introverts mature, they gain more empathy and learn to use their shadow functions in a more effective and direct manner, accommodating the demands of the outer world in a more mature fashion.

    Of course, the same can be said of extraverts: Maturity equates to better use of one's shadow functions.

    If both you and Pixie want to gain a more mature use of your shadow functions, here's how you do it. There are two stages: Immature use of one's shadow functions (first acquaintance with one's shadow functions), and then mature use of one's shadow functions (later acquaintance with one's shadow functions).

    Immature use of one's shadow functions (first acquaintance with one's shadow functions)

    Jung says that most individuals get their first experience of shadow functions by using them in the same attitude as--and in service to--the Dom function.

    For the introvert, that's kind of like the "crusading INFP" helping out some wounded person. She's extraverting and acting in the world, but it's largely projection of her own ideas in service to her internal Fi-Dom. Basically, she's using her N, T, and S shadow functions more or less in introverted fashion (Ni, Si, and Ti).

    As for the extravert, it's like you running around trying to "fix" the world to bring it into accord with your Te ideas of how it's supposed to work. So you end up using your N, S, and F shadow functions more or less in extraverted fashion (Ne, Se, and Fe).

    Both of these examples allow the introvert and extravert to act in the world and interact with other people. But it's not an optimal mode of interaction, because both examples are using a lot of projection and not so much real empathy.

    Mature use of one's shadow functions (later acquaintance with one's shadow functions)

    Jung says that you can get a more mature interaction with the world (and true empathy) by developing your Auxiliary function and using it as a doorway to your shadow functions. Thus:

    For the INFP, accessing her Ne will help her to actually start understanding how the world truly works. From there she can use Ne as a doorway to her other Extraverted functions: Fe, Se, and Te. As she develops her extraverted side a bit, she'll gain some real empathy for the world instead of just projecting her own needs onto the world.*

    Similarly, in the case of the ENTJ, accessing his Ni will act as a doorway to his other introverted functions. From there, he'll learn how to listen to his own needs, do some self-care, and learn how to operate more effectively in the world instead of being jerked around or being spent down by the needs and demands of others.

    The website at PersonalityPage.com uses this approach of developing one's Auxiliary as a doorway to one's shadow functions. See the following links:

    INFP Personal Growth
    ENTJ Personal Growth

    _____________________
    * This is why I was telling you to *negotiate* with Pixie. It's a way to compel her to use her Ne and recognize your needs instead of just projecting her own needs. If you negotiate and turn things into a quid pro quo, it basically forces Pixie to see that it's not just "all about her." Of course, negotiation isn't a magic wand; Pixie can make a show of negotiating just to go with the flow and then renege later. But a simple quid pro quo arrangement can ensure that at a minimum there is some sort of equity as a starting point rather than one-sided demands or emotional extortion.
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