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[Other] Do you feel weird in conflict/standing up for yourself?

VILLANELLE

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I guess the two are different things; standing up for yourself doesn't always have to be conflicting. I hate conflict, I hate being assertive and I struggle to do so (might be a confidence thing.) I had a few issues, spoke calmly of them with the person, all was resolved. There was no fight. So why do I still feel weird? Why do I even feel bad?

Does anyone else struggle with this? Is it cognitive functions at play or is it conscience or what?
 

Lord Lavender

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I have the kinda same issue as you do with conflict. I think in general its a 9 thing as nines fear separation from others so they can struggle to stand up to others which is a way to get separated from others. I think it could link to many cognitive functions but a main one is hmmmm id say Fe as Fe wants outer emotional harmony as that would be the main one.
 

Totenkindly

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I have a pretty strong Nine component and yeah, I hate conflict. I'd rather have a mutual discussion, share ideas / be informational, and reach a consensus together.

If you see me getting harsh and taking really strong stances, they are things I have come to believe in ... but inside I'm still kind of cringing and I feel unsettled and out of sorts regardless. It's not my preferred engagement mode to just fight.

However, I've learned in life sometimes scrapping is necessary. And I have definitely had to learn to be direct and make clear-cut decisions and stick to them, simply to get things done that I have responsibility over.
 

Amargith

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Not anymore.
 

Lark

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No, never did, I just wish I had it to do less often, its become extremely wearing.
 

VILLANELLE

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I have the kinda same issue as you do with conflict. I think in general its a 9 thing as nines fear separation from others so they can struggle to stand up to others which is a way to get separated from others. I think it could link to many cognitive functions but a main one is hmmmm id say Fe as Fe wants outer emotional harmony as that would be the main one.

That sounds accurate. I'm all about harmony, I like it when things are calm and everyone is getting along. And even if you need to talk about things, you know.. you don't want to rock the boat. I feel better using my voice, honestly, and I think I need to really get used to that. But it's so weird. :(
 

VILLANELLE

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I have a pretty strong Nine component and yeah, I hate conflict. I'd rather have a mutual discussion, share ideas / be informational, and reach a consensus together.

If you see me getting harsh and taking really strong stances, they are things I have come to believe in ... but inside I'm still kind of cringing and I feel unsettled and out of sorts regardless. It's not my preferred engagement mode to just fight.

However, I've learned in life sometimes scrapping is necessary. And I have definitely had to learn to be direct and make clear-cut decisions and stick to them, simply to get things done that I have responsibility over.

I think I am the same way. And I have a 9 in my enneagram too! I definitely need to get used to speaking my mind, and I don't really go for it unless I feel like I need to, if there's something I strongly believe in. But beyond that, I don't speak up, unless something is really bothering me. Even then it's hard, but I guess I need to get used to that. I was told I wasn't wrong/didn't hurt anyone's feelings (and I made it clear I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, and I would never go out and hurt someone's feelings just because, either.)
 

Virtual ghost

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To be honest life without any conflict is often quite boring to me, from what I gathered I can even get depressed if thing are constantly too nice. Therefore quite often I hear that I should be nicer to people or less opinioned. To some degree I can do that but eventually you have to give me some place to unleash all the energy.
 

Ashtart

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No, I don't.
 

CitizenErased

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I tend to lose my patience really quick.

When there's conflict that doesn't involve me/involves me indirectly, I avoid it. Just stay quiet or go away. When the conflict involves me, I try, first, to give some ideas to solve the problem, if the person/s in question don't back down, I may add a snarky comment. If that doesn't work (which never does), I may try to find allies and find a bigger way to solve the problem (like explaining the problem to someone with more power, always making a sad dog's face). If there are no allies, I'll grab the person who has the problem, sith them on a chair and knock them off the pedestal and work out a solution.

Now, when there's someone insulting/offending me, I set things straight from the beginning: you're not respectful with me, I'm not going to be that way with you. I won't let you talk and make sure you don't ant to keep talking afterwards.

Best example is from a month ago, when this hysterical girl entered the classroom I was in to curse at me because I had never been to a subject (where attendance didn't count) and I had the best grade because the portfolio of the class I presented was really good. According to her I had paid the professors and made other people do my drawings and such. She was mental. I turned back and said: "look, I spent 2 years learning to draw, I practiced everyday, made people who know how to draw correct me until I got good. Even if I was a genius and I hadn't needed any practice, you could have compensated that by sitting your ass on a chair and doing what you had to do; you could have reached for help; idea that never occured to you, because you preferred to come here to humilliate yourself in front of a group of people. Now, as you can see, I'm in another class, professors are correcting our works. If you're done with your hysterical speech, you can leave. The door is behind you." Then I turned back and continued doing my stuff. The girl gave me a death stare and went away.

I try to be pacific and find the most neutral way to solve problems, but if someone insults me, my friends or my opinions, I'm speaking up.
 
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I am Fi-dominant and have 9w1 in my tritype. I've always felt averse towards any conflict, but this is mainly with people I am not close with. It just feels so unsettling and unnatural for me to engage in any sort of argumental exchange, especially publicly. Although among family members I will stand my ground, but I'd still rather keep the peace when possible. On the otherhand, strangers, aquaintances, and even friends are a huge no-no for me unless it's really something that needs to be done. I think this has been more of an issue when I was growing up from being too shy and passive, thus getting walked on as a result, although I'm still not very assertive today either. I admire assertive qualities in other people though. I suppose I see these traits as something to sort of aspire to, since to me they embody strength and durability.

However, I accept that I am naturally not an assertive and outspoken person in general and it's okay to not be if it gives you discomfort, but I think it's something that can always be worked on if it does indeed cause issues in your life. For me though, I'll just stick to lying low from the sidelines when I can. :smoke:
 

Red Memories

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I struggle with it. I used to way more than I do now. Now I sort of feel conflict to a degree is necessary if you're really going to have a value. You don't have to be a jerk about it. and certainly, being a doormat isn't fun.
 

Abcdenfp

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I generally dislike conflict, my preference is for harmony in my relationships and I generally feel uneasy if I know that I am in. Conflict with someone I care about and continue to look for a resolution until I get to the point where I'm like fuck it, but if I feel attacked or challenged on something I feel passionate about I have no problem standing my ground.
 
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I don't thrive on conflict yet unfortunately life is filled with stupid, primitive, and aggressive humans so if you don't confront assholes when necessary they will march over your corpse. I've lived over four decades so I've had to learn to become a SOB at times to avoid a constant procession of dipshits figuratively trying to fuck me. Pick your battles, learn when to fight but don't be a doormat.

I've been sick for the better part of more than a month and it's wearing on me so my comment is definitely reflecting that. I apologize for the extra edge.
 

Obfuscate

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i hate it until i feel the need to do it... when i do stand up for myself i feel energized, competent, focused, intelligent, articulate, and justified... afterwords that can change if my admonishment was recieved well... in that case i can feel cruel, because i have a way of cutting people down with accurate observations of their misdoings and flaws... my language becomes harsh as i pinpoint the chinks in their emotional armor, in order to achieve maximized impact... on the other hand, if they are resolute in their position my resolve and feeling that i have taken appropriate action is strengthened... fuck them for their denial of my logic and self worth... fuck them for refusing to see what is plain as day... at that point i am likely to sever contact and/or become vindictive...

post script:

i am patient to a fault... i think that is why when i am no longer patient, the shift comes on so quickly, and i let loose all at once... i think there is only one person that hasn't shriveled in front of my barrage...
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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I don't feel weird, no. I feel exposed and at risk if I haven't done my homework and have entered the conflict unprepared, but it can actually feel a bit energizing, in the sense of: things are moving. I might be able to make some progress finally. Too often an absence of conflict indicates avoidance of some sort of problem, a problem which usually doesn't improve with age and neglect.
 

Littleclaypot

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I absolutely hate conflict and will do almost anything to avoid it.. I think this is more true with people who I am close to. As far as standing up for myself, I have learned to do that well over the years. I hope you can do the same..
 
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