[Other] Do you feel weird in conflict/standing up for yourself?

[Zhaylin]

I despise conflict (CHAOS!), so I avoid it at all costs unless absolutely necessary.
When I was a kid, I stepped in front of a bully and took the knife he was threatening my little brother with. Another time, I stood in between a bully and my best friend and I told the bully off lol. When my kids were teens, I jumped between my eldest son and one of my daughters when they were scrapping, and he spat on me (intended for her).

As for *myself* though... I've gotten into 2 fist fights my entire life. I was pummeled by one (when I was a kid), and I defended myself from the other (adult). I've vocally defended myself, enraged, only 3 times my entire life (my child molesting Uncle, my obnoxious brother-in-law, a friend of my ex-husband).
I've calmly defended myself a number of times. I tend to be accommodating or just brush things off.

 

[Jaguar]

Conflict is merely part of life. Shit happens.

 

[Mind Maverick]

I guess the two are different things; standing up for yourself doesn't always have to be conflicting. I hate conflict, I hate being assertive and I struggle to do so (might be a confidence thing.) I had a few issues, spoke calmly of them with the person, all was resolved. There was no fight. So why do I still feel weird? Why do I even feel bad?

Does anyone else struggle with this? Is it cognitive functions at play or is it conscience or what?

Enneagram: E9
Big 5: Low Assertiveness (an Extroversion Facet), High Agreeableness (especially its Cooperation Facet)

You're probably just afraid of it causing friction between you and the other person.

 

[Earl Grey]

If I am in a situation I cannot bring up conflict or stand up for myself, that would feel way weirder and icky down to the core.

 

[Mind Maverick]

I was editing and then my PC died for a minute, I'll just make another post

I was going to say that SOMETIMES confronting things in a calm, cool, collected, and rational manner does not bother me personally. It bothers me not to, and confronting (fixing, resolving, etc.) returns me to a state of equilibrium. I don't enjoy feeling states, so for me "fix the problem = 'fix' the feeling" (I want it gone).

 

[Maou]

It all depends for me. I am way too self aware of my flaws, so if I am being attacked because of them I tend to buckle and apologise. If I know it is not true, I get aggressive and defensive. I grew up in an environment where "peaceful negotiations" didn't exist, so my first reaction to anyone challenging me is defensive rage. Which I have had to learn to control as I got older. I've also become more humble and open to negotiation over the years. But sometimes I regress if someone gets under my skin or disrespects me. Even though I am withdrawn triad, my upbringing made this behavior essential for survival. So emotionally its pretty stormy for me. I cry when I get angry and confrontational as a result, because two sides of me are in conflict when I am in conflict.

 

[Lark]

Conflict is merely part of life. Shit happens.

I agree with the first part, not the second.

Conflict isnt necessarily even a bad thing, provided its managed, operates within limits.

I'd prefer it to an echo chamber.

Although that view's not held by everyone. Not even everyone on this forum.

Its not hard to find more than one thread that goes something like this:-

"Isnt it awful..."

"I know right?!"

/End Thread.

And, you know, there's a lot of people like it that way.

Ironically they're also the people who'd set out their stall as being courageously open minded, critical, thinking types. Whose opinions havent changed in twenty years or more. You got to be good at avoiding any fresh information to be able to say that now. I've seen as much of it as there ever was, lurking on the forum, though you get to the point its pretty tedious bothering to point it out to anyone. Its not like its going to give anyone a pause for thought.

 

[Jaguar]

I agree with the first part, not the second.

Conflict isnt necessarily even a bad thing, provided its managed, operates within limits.

I'd prefer it to an echo chamber.

Although that view's not held by everyone. Not even everyone on this forum.

Its not hard to find more than one thread that goes something like this:-

"Isnt it awful..."

"I know right?!"

/End Thread.

And, you know, there's a lot of people like it that way.

Ironically they're also the people who'd set out their stall as being courageously open minded, critical, thinking types. Whose opinions havent changed in twenty years or more. You got to be good at avoiding any fresh information to be able to say that now. I've seen as much of it as there ever was, lurking on the forum, though you get to the point its pretty tedious bothering to point it out to anyone. Its not like its going to give anyone a pause for thought.

Shit happens, Lark. It's merely an expression.

 

[Lark]

Shit happens, Lark. It's merely an expression.

Oh right.

I see.

Keep it short then.

 

[Jaguar]

Oh right.

I see.

Keep it short then.

Seriously, what the fuck has gotten into you? Chill out.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

It depends on the occasion. Sometimes I enjoy conflict, moreso after they're done, because it can be thrilling and energizing to actually get angry and riled up. Outside of that, I often find myself uncomfortable because I'm not a great speaker and tend to get plowed over verbally for not speaking fast enough/being too polite or spewing out nonsense, making defending myself particularly difficult (or near impossible). Also my self esteem is pretty bad, so typically if I'm forced to defend myself, I buckle at the knees and apologize for being in the wrong even if I'm far from it. Back when I had a "hero complex", bullies would use this knowledge to get me to shut up when I was trying to defend friends. Defending others is a lot easier/less mechanical for some reason though in terms of conflict.

 

[I Tonya]

Sometimes I don't know how to. The more I analysis the situation, the better I feel and lose the "obligation" to just take it. Just walk away bro, just walk away. It's kinda funny, I remember this toxic individual, I said, "I'm done with you," and began to walk away... she literally grabbed me by my shirt, swang me down to the fucking chair and screamed, "YOU DO NOT WALK AWY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU." LMFAO. I swear the nerve of some ppl, they're godamn demanding.
I learn to not take responsibility for other people's problems, matured enough to deal with mine and so should they...especially when I have plenty to worry about my own problems. It's crazy how many ppl think you owe them shit, you don't.

Don't believe anyone who say that you have to put up with it. Speak up, tell the world. They may start to watch what they say around you if they know you're telling others. Be a bad guy for once in your life.

 

[Kanra Jest]

I grew up around conflict so it was also necessary for survival and became more instinctual. But outside of family bickering I honestly never have fought anyone that I recall now that I think of it. Like not really. I'm easy going and if someone is yelling at me I've been quiet because I rather not make it devolve into an actual fight since I'm not normally violent. Unless I'm really really unhealthy, which I've read in 9w8 and even if it isn't so common it's probably more common unhealthy way when they're sx dom like me. I have actually been a lot better lately, though. I'm normally not a violent person, just grown up learning that I had to be defensive. But if someone has something wrong with me I'll press them to tell me what it is, or if they're upset. Even if it upsets them. Because why keep your feelings hidden away if there's something wrong? Tell me so we can grow together as I'll be aware of it.

 

[anticlimatic]

If you get emotional standing up for yourself you’re doing it wrong and need more practice. Same goes with conflict.

The less emotional you are, the less violent it tends to end up.

 

[Kanra Jest]

If you get emotional standing up for yourself you’re doing it wrong and need more practice. Same goes with conflict.

The less emotional you are, the less violent it tends to end up.

Sometimes the person starting to fight with you gets emotional and yells at you. Sometimes it's hard to just remain calm when you've endured it all your life and are sensitive to their angry energies. Assholes abound. And it annoys you that they're so ridiculous and illogical. People freak out over the stupidest shit sometimes.

But I do otherwise prefer a detached approach. But a detached approach isn't always possible. Sometimes that pisses them off more too. can't win

 

[wildmoon]

I used to be very averse to conflict, but I care less and less about it with time and practice.

 

[wildmoon]

she literally grabbed me by my shirt, swang me down to the fucking chair and screamed, "YOU DO NOT WALK AWY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU." LMFAO.

Whoa OnO that’s messed up!

 

[Red Memories]

I actually tend to struggle to stand up for myself. I will get intense anxiety over it and question myself. However if someone I care about is being bullied, pushed around, etc. I have absolutely no second thoughts into telling someone to fuck off. It gets me into trouble often. XD I am not honestly the best at communicating in emotional states at all though, so overall if something upsets me I cause unnecessary or unintentional dramas.

 

[anticlimatic]

Sometimes the person starting to fight with you gets emotional and yells at you. Sometimes it's hard to just remain calm when you've endured it all your life and are sensitive to their angry energies. Assholes abound. And it annoys you that they're so ridiculous and illogical. People freak out over the stupidest shit sometimes.

But I do otherwise prefer a detached approach. But a detached approach isn't always possible. Sometimes that pisses them off more too. can't win

Not detached, just not emotional. It might be hard, but it’s not as hard as you think.

 

[Kanra Jest]

Not detached, just not emotional. It might be hard, but it's not as hard as you think.

What's the difference between being detached and unemotional