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  1. #31
    Iron Maiden The Great Pumpkin's Avatar
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    I don't mind conflict that I am prepared for, even though I wouldn't go out of my way to seek it out. I do like to please people, but am understanding that it can't be at the expense of my own health or because I don't want to deal with the unknown reaction of the other person to my preferences or opinion. If I am absolutely sure of myself, I can be pretty assertive and immoveable. It's when I I can see things from many perspectives and don't completely trust my own perceptions anymore or when if I do respond appropriately, others looking on will not have context and it will have bad consequences for methat I feel sick over conflict.

  2. #32
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    If it comes out of the blue, then I feel ambushed and my instinct is to withdraw. If I can't physically leave, then I do mentally. Growing up, my sister said you could see a wall going up in my face whenever someone in the family confronted me over something. This is part of what led to them labelling me as cold and being accused of not caring about anything.

    My initial reaction is actually an emotional response to feeling ambushed, and so it's hard for me to process and respond to the actual issue in a rational way. I do much better if I have an idea of what will be discussed beforehand or if someone lets me get back to them later and doesn't demand a response immediately. I just don't process conflict well in the middle of a conversation.

    As an adult, I put on an unconcerned, reasonable mask where I sort of "yes" people but don't take them seriously, and I try to come across as not taking it seriously, but not outright dismissing it. This is my way of lowering their impact on me and making sure they know they didn't make much impact, that way they don't think they can control me with intimidation. I suppose that's passive aggressive... I can be aggressive-aggressive too, but that's usually when I am the one confronting. I also do the INFP thing where I will write them a very long letter in which I detail my side because it's easier for me to express myself that way.

    Conflict is uncomfortable for me mainly because I fear getting emotional and losing all credibility because of it. Unfortunately, people tend to see displays of emotion as meaning you can't handle something, that you are unstable, that you don't have valid reasons for your standpoint, etc. To me, display of emotion is just what value something holds for you (which is why going blank is how I signal I am not highly valuing someone's viewpoint) or it can simply be a response to being overwhelmed by the surprise of someone else's confrontation; it has no bearing on whether your viewpoint in the conflict is rational or not. To many people, the one who doesn't get emotional is automatically the correct and reasonable one; I find that fallacious.

    To clarify, I rather like differing opinions, even some debate, etc. I don't experience many things as conflict that others experience as conflict, which is why some people can find me "difficult" or "challenging" whereas I'm experiencing it as a stimulating exchange. However, I can weirdly experience asking for my needs as bringing conflict; it's like I anticipate resistance from others. I prefer the freedom to do what I want and fill my own needs so I don't have to ask anyone for anything.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe
    Likes Peter Deadpan, xenaprincess liked this post

  3. #33
    darkened dreams Ravenetta's Avatar
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    Conflict is a complex issue for me. I feel like I relate to the world more like a wild animal does than a domesticated animal. If you look at the way domesticated dogs interact with the world, they are almost continually subjected to conflict. It is how they are trained to obey and function. They can become bored without it, and so they bark wildly with any passers-by and then their owner commands, 'no!', and they obey. They have just experienced two levels of conflict as part of their engagement with reality. A coyote will tend to avoid the passersby and would not respond to the command, so in a way they are conflict avoidant. However, when they do engage in actual conflict it is serious with 'no holds barred'. This is why conflict is stressful for me because if it is for real, not some social diversion or power game, but actual conflict, it could cost everything. I instinctually experience it like this.

    My first feeling if someone comes to me with conflict is 'what are they demanding from me'? I'm typically not intruding on their life, or I at least try to minimize any intrusion I cause other people, so if they are angry or in conflict with me, it seems like it is because I'm not giving them something they have decided they deserve from me. I certainly don't like that. If I have made a mistake, intruded, taken something, etc. from someone then it would be helpful to know so I won't do that because it is my ideal not to.

    I wish sometimes that I could see the world more ideal with 'everyone meaning well' and such things like others do. I think the best people in the world do see others that way very often. Instead I find people threatening and capable of every bad thing humans have been recorded as doing. I don't see why the person I accidentally bump shoulders with is intrinsically kind simply because they entered my concrete world. Anyone is capable of anything, and so if I don't know them well, conflict is a state of undefined boundaries. If you throw a stick towards a dog, they will be ready for the game. If you throw it towards a coyote they won't be.
    bunny omi


  4. #34
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    Nope. It is easy for me.

  5. #35
    AKA Nunki Polaris's Avatar
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    I am, and have always been, a strange mix of conflict-avoidant and confrontational. It is very important to me, in most cases, to be regarded positively by other people, and arguing with them is obviously not the way for that to happen. I also have a strong desire to be a good person, and getting into arguments with people doesn't make me feel benevolent. At the same time, I have a bad temper and a strong drive to stick up for myself when I feel that it's warranted. That means that I can sometimes get into conflicts. When that happens, I usually feel that the other person was asking for trouble, which means that I don't especially regret or feel weird about what I've done.
    [ Ni > Ti > Fe > Fi > Ne > Te > Si > Se ][ 4w5 sp/sx ][ RLOAI ][ IEI-Ni ]

  6. #36
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    I don't need to stand up for myself, I am already standing as myself
    Im out, its been fun

  7. #37
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    I prefer to avoid conflict, but also not to be "doormat"ed by avoiding it. Who there may be conflict with dictates how I broach the subject.
    When it comes to friends or partners, I'll thoroughly try to flesh out and resolve large conflicts when I reach a certain point of frustration. I don't enjoy it simply because I've found what I've vulnerably expressed tends to get overlooked and disregarded, so if I'm to that point it has often spelled an end for the friendship/relationship.
    In professional situations, I try to set a boundaries early and stick to them. I also prefer to not deal with that face-to-face because I'm liable to make exceptions and let an inch be made into a mile.
    Small conflicts I usually don't have any issue with discussing or standing my ground with. It's just the really big things that affect me a lot that I hold off from. It just hasn't been proven to go in my favor just yet.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.



    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  8. #38
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    Any time I tried to stand up for myself as a child, I was told I was selfish and disobedient. It's taking a very long time for me to accept that taking care of myself isn't selfish, and I still struggle to be able to tell the difference sometimes.

  9. #39
    Moderator Yuurei's Avatar
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    No, not when it’s nessecery. However that is rare as most things that people bicker and insult over just seem so insignificant and pointless that I just can’t be bothered to care at all.

    It will be the ine thing to finally cause me to put a bullet in my damned brain.

    Everyone will shocked and suprised that I was “ hurting so much” but no, that wasn’t it. Rather I saw how petty humanity has become and decided “ Okay. This is where I get iff. Later guys!”

  10. #40
    Senior Member Froody Blue Gem's Avatar
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    I definitely do feel weird in conflict/confrontation. I don't know what to say and freeze up. It makes me look like a bigger jerk when I just get quiet in situations like that, like I'm trying to ignore them. I usually end up thinking what I could have said after it's over but I am not good with words, especially when something triggers my anxiety. Conflict is one thing that does that.

    It's one thing I love thing, finding common ground with people and I don't like upsetting or disappointing people, or when drama gets stirred up. The common ground as well as the rapport get broken down. Maybe because of the social anxiety I have. I am not too good with rocking the boat and I heavily don't want to disappoint others. Some of this stems from my fe.
    9w1 5w4 2w3 sp/so

    Whit Burnett did not coddle Salinger. He did not discover a literary genius sitting in the back row of his Monday class and deliver him to instant fame. Rather, he forced Jerry to work for his own success. As a mentor, Burnett may well have had every intention to publish his pupil, but as a teacher, he first demanded that his student exhaust other options

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