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  1. #21
    Member Krys's Avatar
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    I do get unpleasant bodily sensations from conflict actually, so i tend to avoid it. Even just listening to other people argue makes me kind of tense. For example, if I'm watching CNN and they start arguing with raised voices and the like, i have to mute it and put on the subtitles. I don't know why but it's really unpleasant for me.

    I struggle to deal with it because I tend to give the other person the benefit of the doubt more often than I don't. I'm more likely to lay the blame on myself than others, and I only bring up problems if they are recurring, I have evidence, and I think that the conflict makes "sense", by which I mean I think that I'm not just being sensitive. I also only tend to bring up conflict with people that I care about or --because I must -- people that I work with. I don't really care to bring up problems with other people because an acquaintance hurting my feelings doesn't really matter to me.

  2. #22
    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
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    I'm rarely in conflict with someone. If the latter seems to be a nuisance, I just cut the person off.
    I don't see it as a conflict really, for I act the same around them anyway. Water and oil can't mix, but they still can co-exist in the same recipient.


    The moments of conflicts that do not directly include me though are when I'm standing up for someone in time of need.

  3. #23
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    I never get the balance right.

    Either I'm overcompensating with niceties because of the damage my outbursts can cause or I'm engaging in the aforementioned outbursts and causing damage, often out of proportion. I don't exactly have any issues standing up for myself, unless I happen to be in a low state of mind.

    If emotional intelligence were real (spoiler: evidence suggests it's not) then I would have the lowest scoring for someone who is so emotionally expressive.

    There's a rigidity there that I'm curious about understanding.

    But, to be honest, it's contextual as always. Some people I refrain from engaging with on subjects because I value the friendship (in my case any friends I have are valuable due to their rarity) & others I can't seem to restrain an eventual conflict.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  4. #24
    and back again There's Avatar
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    I rarely do, or at least not directly. I usually find a way around problems or compromises.
    Conflict makes me feel sick if I don't have arguments prepared or I have any insecurities concerning the topic which is almost every time because my opinion on most things is "depends".
    I don't want to give up as fast as I do most of the time but that's hard if you can clearly see where the other one is coming from.
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  5. #25
    Robos Husband đź’śđź‘‘đź’‹ Lord Lavender's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thirteenly View Post
    That sounds accurate. I'm all about harmony, I like it when things are calm and everyone is getting along. And even if you need to talk about things, you know.. you don't want to rock the boat. I feel better using my voice, honestly, and I think I need to really get used to that. But it's so weird.
    I relate a lot to what your saying. I think its aslo as we are both positive outlook heavy that we dont want to face the scary negativity out there which like threatens our core psyche in many ways. Its like hmm we are lifeforms adapted to a tropical existence but it gets occasional cold snaps which what negativity is to positive outlooks a scary thing that will destroy them. Instead of braving the cold you will like try to retrert which protects the positive outlooks PoV but also prevents any toughening up from happening so to speak.
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  6. #26
    don't ask me Flâneuse's Avatar
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    Yes. It took me a long time to fully admit this to myself, but I have a strong people-pleasing streak and don't want to be disliked. I'm fairly go-with-the-flow and low-maintenance naturally, which is definitely a good trait to a degree -- but unfortunately I sometimes think it's the main thing people like about me. In situations where I'm not comfortable just going with the flow and I need to assert my needs, I'm sometimes afraid to speak up because I'm afraid it will ruin others' image of me of being super-easy to get along with, therefore making me less likable and potentially complicating what I want to remain a pleasant and simple connection with the other/s.

    Type-wise,feeling uneasy about conflict definitely correlates most to e9 and I believe (to a lesser extent) e2. When push comes to shove, both of these types can be very assertive, but from what I've seen e2s have less trouble reaching that point. Also, both Feeling functions (Fe more than Fi) tend to correlate with a greater desire for harmony with others and therefore a greater fear of conflict, but obviously there are tons of exceptions to that general rule.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Melodrama's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cat Brainz View Post
    I relate a lot to what your saying. I think its aslo as we are both positive outlook heavy that we dont want to face the scary negativity out there which like threatens our core psyche in many ways. Its like hmm we are lifeforms adapted to a tropical existence but it gets occasional cold snaps which what negativity is to positive outlooks a scary thing that will destroy them. Instead of braving the cold you will like try to retrert which protects the positive outlooks PoV but also prevents any toughening up from happening so to speak.
    Yup, that's exactly it. You don't want to face the potential of negativity, even if the outcome could be good.

  8. #28
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Obfuscate View Post
    i hate it until i feel the need to do it... when i do stand up for myself i feel energized, competent, focused, intelligent, articulate, and justified... afterwords that can change if my admonishment was recieved well... in that case i can feel cruel, because i have a way of cutting people down with accurate observations of their misdoings and flaws... my language becomes harsh as i pinpoint the chinks in their emotional armor, in order to achieve maximized impact... on the other hand, if they are resolute in their position my resolve and feeling that i have taken appropriate action is strengthened... fuck them for their denial of my logic and self worth... fuck them for refusing to see what is plain as day... at that point i am likely to sever contact and/or become vindictive...

    post script:

    i am patient to a fault... i think that is why when i am no longer patient, the shift comes on so quickly, and i let loose all at once... i think there is only one person that hasn't shriveled in front of my barrage...
    Yeah, basically you endure so much and already know exactly what the issue is, so when you finally open your mouth -- BAM.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #29
    Senior Member Frosty's Avatar
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    Yes and no.

    If I let myself stand up for myself ehen Im legitimately angry- I dont really have a super huge problem doing it. I just- reflect back what Im feeling in that moment.

    But I dont like doing that. I dont like... it makes me feel like Im out of control. Or that Im being cruel or unfair or nasty or entitled. All sorts of negative connotations. But if Im annoyed enough in the moment- I can and WILL show it.

    I dont really get super annoyed very often. Lately the people Ive been 'standing up to' have been my parents and pharmacists. My parents... well theres no point in standing up to them because theyll just crush me- but I cant NOT. I cant agree to some of the things they say to me- HAVE to stand up.

    And pharmacists. I dunno why I get so openly irritated with them. I think because I know that whenever I have a problem at the pharmacy its usually at least half my own fault. So Im more annoyed with myself AND them- but I only have time to react to being annoyed at one person in the moment and its just- quicker I guess to be mad at them. Always feel bad after that though because I mean- I DO know its usually my fault to a big enough extent and i feel like such a bully getting mad at them.

    But- I CANT stand up for myself in a lot of situations. I mean I probably COULD- but I dont. If Im not- really mad or annoyed or if thats worn off a bit or Ive let it settle- then its hard for me to... well... ignite something that isnt there any more.

    I probably do need to work on standing up for myself when its needed- when there is a time delay. I just feel so uncomfortable doing it because... the feeling isnt strong enough I guess. I dont feel its worth it if I dont feel it.

    Plus I super hate conflict. So yeah.

  10. #30
    courage, dear heart ♥ DulcetRefrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krys View Post
    I struggle to deal with it because I tend to give the other person the benefit of the doubt more often than I don't. I'm more likely to lay the blame on myself than others, and I only bring up problems if they are recurring, I have evidence, and I think that the conflict makes "sense", by which I mean I think that I'm not just being sensitive. I also only tend to bring up conflict with people that I care about or --because I must -- people that I work with. I don't really care to bring up problems with other people because an acquaintance hurting my feelings doesn't really matter to me.
    ^ This is completely true for me. I never liked conflict even as a child, so much so that I'd start to feel scared or cry if people were even a little stern towards me, granted that didn't happen often. Luckily I've not been approached with too much conflict, and obviously I got better at dealing with this lol. I'm more prone to defend myself now than I used to be, but it's still a struggle. When I am approached with conflict & I have to stand up for myself, it feels very uncomfortable & weird, especially when the other person is not responsive, or too aggressive. If I feel something needs to be said or I feel really attacked, my brain goes abuzz with the things I am about to let out, but after letting it out a part of me always feels really guilty for it.

    I am admittedly patient to a fault; I tolerate a lot & I let things slide if it's just once or twice. Because I blame myself for being too sensitive to things, or I worry I'll hurt others by talking about what they did. So when I do let things out, it's only when the issue is recurring and I'm sure that I'm not just complaining/being too sensitive. I bring up conflicts with people I care about because I want to find a solution together, not to argue or attack with insults. When I am wronged or insulted, I call people out with my observations or their own words. I don't resort to name calling or harsh words, I just say the truth so they know I'm not just being a crybaby. Unfortunately I never say exactly what I wanted to say, so that's also why I feel uncomfortable after conflicts/standing up for myself. I fear I give people the wrong impression of me, because things don't always get explained since it's such a flood of thoughts in my head. I also cry when overly frustrated/angry. It's easier in writing lol.
    I am no bird, and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will.

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    I would always rather be happy than dignified.

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