[NF] Lonely & Depressed

[Blacksheep2017]

I have the hardest time making friends. I've maintained ONE meaningful friendship over the years with my INFJ best friend. We're obviously close to the same person. We met in high school and were inseparable after only meeting 3 or 4 days prior to our first sleepover. We've been best friends for 14 years but have spent the last 9 years living states apart. We talk everyday and visit one another a few times a year but I crave that strong connection and daily in-person interaction.

Maybe I'm lucky, I don't know, but I seem to meet other self proclaimed INFJs naturally and frequently. I've recently met a local mom friend who was INFJ and now types herself as INTJ (which I have a lot of INTJ qualities too) and we seem to have a lot of similarities even our past experiences with family sorta mirror one another. I think we get along fine but it's not the strongest connection either. Her son is already showing signs of being extroverted and so I don't really know how to interact with him and my daughter is already showing signs of being introverted like me. So the play dates are already a little off. Her kid is all over the place, constantly climbing on me and interacting with everyone around us and my daughter sits on the blanket in the park picking grass and making a pile by herself.

I met one woman who was a self described INFJ but after we met and talked, I don't believe she is an INFJ. Maybe more of an ENFP (maaaaaybe INFP) but I'm still new to typing. We just had very different approaches to life and decision making and so I didn't feel like we clicked at all.

My husband is an ISTJ and pretty much my only week to week interaction with another human. I believe our relationship has potentially effected my personality making me float somewhere between INFJ and INTJ (though I feel like INFJ qualities come more natural to me). My husband neglects friendships and so he has no friends. I've tried to make friends in the past with other couples but he has sabotaged many of those attempts. He says all he needs is me. Which is true. He seems content to not have friends or spend energy on others. This has made me very depressed because I feel like I lack the proper outlet to feel understood and connected to someone besides my husband. Also, I feel responsible for his feelings and maintaining his one person relationship with me. He wants to do EVERYTHING TOGETHER and leaves me feeling guilty for wanting to do things on my own or with a friend.

I don't know what to do to get out of this rut.

 

[Agent Washington]

I've tried to make friends in the past with other couples but he has sabotaged many of those attempts.

This sounds like a warning sign to me.

 

[Tennessee Jed]

[...]My husband is an ISTJ and pretty much my only week to week interaction with another human. I believe our relationship has potentially effected my personality making me float somewhere between INFJ and INTJ (though I feel like INFJ qualities come more natural to me). My husband neglects friendships and so he has no friends. I've tried to make friends in the past with other couples but he has sabotaged many of those attempts. He says all he needs is me. Which is true. He seems content to not have friends or spend energy on others. This has made me very depressed because I feel like I lack the proper outlet to feel understood and connected to someone besides my husband. Also, I feel responsible for his feelings and maintaining his one person relationship with me. He wants to do EVERYTHING TOGETHER and leaves me feeling guilty for wanting to do things on my own or with a friend.

It's fine if your husband doesn't want friends of his own. And it's fine if he doesn't want to have joint friendships with other couples. Some people are just super-introverts, and there's nothing you can do to make them social. But in the meantime, it's important that *you* be allowed to have friends and activities of your own apart from your husband. A healthy relationship should allow space for privacy and self-actualization for each of the couple separately, apart from their partner. In other words, it's healthy to spend time WITH a spouse, but it's also healthy to spend time SEPARATELY as well.

The danger with a couple becoming too close is something called "enmeshment." It's when two people are connected so closely that one or both lose their separate personality. That's unhealthy. There have actually been psychological studies showing that couples who revolve solely around each other are less mentally healthy than single people with friends. (Link to study: The Fragile Spouse and the Resilient Single Person | Psychology Today)

In other words, let your husband do what he wants with his own life, but put your foot down and insist that *you* get to have some time to yourself for your *own* friends and your *own* activities. And if he fights you on that, get down to a marriage counselor fast. That would be kind of control freak-ish on his part and it smacks of trying to isolate you from the community. That's usually a bad sign.

 

[Blacksheep2017]

It's fine if your husband doesn't want friends of his own. And it's fine if he doesn't want to have joint friendships with other couples. Some people are just super-introverts, and there's nothing you can do to make them social. But in the meantime, it's important that *you* be allowed to have friends and activities of your own apart from your husband. A healthy relationship should allow space for privacy and self-actualization for each of the couple separately, apart from their partner. In other words, it's healthy to spend time WITH a spouse, but it's also healthy to spend time SEPARATELY as well.

The danger with a couple becoming too close is something called "enmeshment." It's when two people are connected so closely that one or both lose their separate personality. That's unhealthy. There have actually been psychological studies showing that couples who revolve solely around each other are less mentally healthy than single people with friends. (Link to study: The Fragile Spouse and the Resilient Single Person | Psychology Today)

In other words, let your husband do what he wants with his own life, but put your foot down and insist that *you* get to have some time to yourself for your *own* friends and your *own* activities. And if he fights you on that, get down to a marriage counselor fast. That would be kind of control freak-ish on his part and it smacks of trying to isolate you from the community. That's usually a bad sign.

Thank you! I'm going to read that study right after this post. I've told him before that I believe we spend too much time isolated with one another. I don't think he minds that I have friends but the way he seems to pout when I do things without him makes me feel guilty. We've had issues in our relationship with me sacrificing a lot of my interests for his. Things have changed a lot because I finally told him if we were to stay together, I would no longer sacrifice things for his selfishness. All in all, he's a loving husband. I've harbored resentments but I'm trying to let them go. Part of the identity issues I've had (and prompted me to join this site) was because I believe enmeshment was already happening. Just trying to get back on the straight and narrow and figure out how to get back to my most authentic self. I haven't been that in the 10 years we've been married.

 

[Tennessee Jed]

Thank you! I'm going to read that study right after this post. I've told him before that I believe we spend too much time isolated with one another. I don't think he minds that I have friends but the way he seems to pout when I do things without him makes me feel guilty. We've had issues in our relationship with me sacrificing a lot of my interests for his. Things have changed a lot because I finally told him if we were to stay together, I would no longer sacrifice things for his selfishness. All in all, he's a loving husband. I've harbored resentments but I'm trying to let them go. Part of the identity issues I've had (and prompted me to join this site) was because I believe enmeshment was already happening. Just trying to get back on the straight and narrow and figure out how to get back to my most authentic self. I haven't been that in the 10 years we've been married.

Sounds good! I endorse this outlook 100%!

 

[Mole]

I don't know what to do to get out of this rut.

For we introverts a most important thing is to learn to relax, not in the normal way of relaxing but learning to systematically relax.

A good place to start is Relief Without Drugs by Ainslie Mears click on Books by Ainslie Meares (Author of Relief Without Drugs)

 

[anticlimatic]

I've heard that 80% of all divorces end in happiness.