[ENFJ] Enfj men, please help

[moondancer]

i have self sabotaged grand style,

My enfj is everything I never knew I needed in a man, unfortunately I have hurt him badly. he was so kind to me, he gave me his heart and made clear how rarely he falls and never so fast.

2 days before the upset he was telling all that I was a model girlfriend and the love of his life, I am an infp and have done a spectacular job of healing myself and removing my obstacles to love...Christmas however is a shaky time for me emotionally, due to losing my dad on Christmas Day as a 6 year old.

it was Christmas Eve and I was bothered by something and thought I should tell him, rather than simmer on it as is my old method of dealing, this did not go well at all, he immediately shut me down, accused me of over reacting and went cold, he was supposed to come That evening but did not, he messaged me a jokey text the next afternoon saying, "obviously I need relationship guidance at this time of year", I was still hurting and responded with, "yes I probably do, was that guidance you offered?"

He never responded or turned up to my familiy's Christmas dinner, so at 8pm, in a flurry of emotional and wine induced upset, I sent a text saying we were done and not to contact me again. I blocked his number and sat back expecting him to realise the error of his ways and ride in in his white horse.

This did not happen, although after 9 days he dropped a gift wrapped iPhone off for my son at my front door.

as the weeks past it was me who realised I was also in the wrong, yes he should have listened to me but I acted out in a most unloving of ways when he didn't.

after a few weeks i made contact due to a warranty issue and apologised for my bad behaviour and for hurting him, specifying exactly what mistakes I felt i had made.
he accepted it and told me he was gutted at the time but is now safe but lonely in his rebuilt fortress.

i told him how sad that made me to picture him like that and that I wasn't going to play it safe, that I was going to be vulnerable and told him...
i love you, I want you, if you want me I'm yours...I asked him not to respond immediately but to think it over and if The thought swells his heart to please consider making a leap of faith.

It has been a few days and he has not answered on that matter, he has resumed texting but only on issues related to the warranty, which he has taken it upon himself to deal with.

i would be eternally grateful for any advice on how to proceed from here, I love him and I am wary of hurting him any more. Yes I know how immature I have been, but please be gentle, I'm a good person trying my best to sort this colossal mess I created.

 

[moondancer]

Or am I a ridiculous infp pushover, filled with faith in my romantic notions of true love conquering all...ugh.

Either way, I'm sticking to my moon dust and fairytales, it's who I am and I like me.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

It's hard for me to give you advice because I don't know what the rest of the relationship has been like. What I will say is that neither of you dealt with the situation very maturely or respectfully. I'm sorry to say it, but since he's not responding warmly to your offer, I think it is best to walk away. Do you really want to give your heart to a man who doesn't even choose you? I know that is much easier said than done, but you should never have to convince someone to love you. That's not love.

Sorry you're going through this and I hope you're able to take some time for yourself and heal.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am a ENFJ married to my ISFP wife for 22 years so I might be able to assist.

ENFJ often harbor deep old pains and anguish, often which they ignore and repress. New relationship issues will hit at those old issues, but because they are mostly kept at a subconscious level, ENFJs, especially ENFJ males, struggle to deal with them. They get locked into a pit of negativity and depression and can't deal with it well.

In other words, I suspect he is really really hurting.

ENFJs are pulled to FPs. For me, Fi sings out. So, he was not exaggerating about his feelings towards you.

ENFJs tend not to do well with rejection. The disconnection is painful. In my case, I only dated FPs before my wife and I never dealt with ex girlfriends....once gone, they were out.

Trust once lost is very hard to reestablish. ENFJs tend not to open up and be vulnerable with many, so, when it backfires, they really struggle to reopen.

As you are aware, Fi doms like yourself tend to struggle to express things. The problem is that ENFJs need you to express things.

I can't help much more without more details.

However, if you really want to fix things, I would recommend driving to his place immediately and trying to show him how much you love him with lots of physical affection and verbal affirmation. ENFJs really need a lot of that, but struggle to show that need. Open your heart to him and give him your love.

 

[moondancer]

Thanks for your replies.

Yes Rarebird, I must also be chosen and I will certainly not be doing any convincing, I know my worth; finally.

Searching, that is very true, I definitely do need to work on expressing myself in a way that gets heard, I was intrigued by your suggestion of going to him and showering him with love...he is very much the masculine and I the feminine in our relationship, so I decided that may not suit our dynamic, I had made clear that i was open and receptive to his advances and made a decision to sit still and do nothing and give him some space to think and some space to come to me. I never called or messaged first, just responded, I mirrored his manner of being 'all business' in our communications and not once mentioned or pushed for a response to my love offer.

It's not a ploy, it is me learning how to stay in my feminine energy, focus on me and not get all impatient, forceful or controlling, which are masculine traits and a complete turn off to him.
I really nailed it and actually accepted that whatever happened would be exactly as it should be and let go

Lo and behold, 4 days after this epiphany and subsequent energy change, he is back chasing and trying to win me over.

All these years I spent stressing over men and the secret is to let them go...then they come back.