[INFJ] How would an unhealthy INFJ behave in a relationship?

[Sagacious]

And, how would they personally be affected by the weight of the relationship in an unhealthy state?

 

[StrawberryBoots]

Have you searched the forum? There may already be a lot helpful threads on the subject.

 

[Sagacious]

Have you searched the forum? There may already be a lot helpful threads on the subject.

Yes. There are threads about unhealthy INFJs but I haven't found one on this subject in particular.

 

[StrawberryBoots]

Yes. There are threads about unhealthy INFJs but I haven't found one on this subject in particular.

I recall one about door slamming.

 

[StrawberryBoots]

Is this link helpful?
http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...-breaks-contact.html?highlight=infj+door+slam

 

[StrawberryBoots]

Also, in your thread, consider tagging the INFJs that responded to the thread I linked to.

 

[Sagacious]

Is this link helpful?
http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...-breaks-contact.html?highlight=infj+door+slam

I'll look through it but I wasn't quite meaning the doorslam.

 

[Obfuscate]

can you share what type of unhealthy relationship you are picturing? i know an infj in a codependent relationship...

 

[Sagacious]

"How would an unhealthy INFJ behave in a relationship?
And, how would they personally be affected by the weight of the relationship in an unhealthy state?"

 

[Amargith]

That is a very *very* wide net you're casting, dude.

Gonna have to provide some context if you want answers

 

[VILLANELLE]

Not an INFJ, so, might not be the answer you're looking for. This is more anxiety-based, but you did say unhealthy. I tend to worry a lot if people really like me and/or appreciate me, because nobody really shows it. Not unless it's suddenly around the holidays and then it's "I know I never tell you this, but I really do appreciate you!" I don't understand why people choose the holidays to do this, why not any other day? It would mean more. It means something, of course, but I'm just like... okay.

When I did have social media, I'd mainly post vague tweets, but nobody really responds. I no longer have social media, but that's because I'm sick of it and I'm taking a break.

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

Not an INFJ, so, might not be the answer you're looking for. This is more anxiety-based, but you did say unhealthy. I tend to worry a lot if people really like me and/or appreciate me, because nobody really shows it. Not unless it's suddenly around the holidays and then it's "I know I never tell you this, but I really do appreciate you!" I don't understand why people choose the holidays to do this, why not any other day? It would mean more. It means something, of course, but I'm just like... okay.

When I did have social media, I'd mainly post vague tweets, but nobody really responds. I no longer have social media, but that's because I'm sick of it and I'm taking a break.

This is super relatable. And I also wish the niceties could extend to beyond the holidays! Making the holidays special is important, but it would be ideal to strive for kindness year round!

I've never been in a romantic relationship if that's what you're looking for but ...

Case 1: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a neglective friend: "You just don't value our friendship, do you??? I'm done with you."

Case 2: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a hurt person: "You are now my new project. I will fix you." *takes on person's hurt as own and becomes codependent*

Case 3: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a clingy person: alternates between caring for them and running away because of exhaustion.

Case 4: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with an emotionally abusive person: *bottles hurt inside until it becomes too much and then explodes and accidentally destroys said person* *feels /really/ bad about it later*

 

[Fidelia]

I don't think any infj does well when they are at odds or estranged from someone they care about. Unhealthy versions of behaviour include jumping to wild Ni conclusions, paranoia, seeing patterns that aren't there, becoming very indulgent or austere regarding SE related areas like sleeping, spending, sex, eating, etc. Most of all infjs that are unhealthy will become overly avoidant and stuck in one way of thinking.

Is that useful?

 

[VILLANELLE]

This is super relatable. And I also wish the niceties could extend to beyond the holidays! Making the holidays special is important, but it would be ideal to strive for kindness year round!

I've never been in a romantic relationship if that's what you're looking for but ...

Case 1: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a neglective friend: "You just don't value our friendship, do you??? I'm done with you."

Case 2: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a hurt person: "You are now my new project. I will fix you." *takes on person's hurt as own and becomes codependent*

Case 3: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a clingy person: alternates between caring for them and running away because of exhaustion.

Case 4: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with an emotionally abusive person: *bottles hurt inside until it becomes too much and then explodes and accidentally destroys said person* *feels /really/ bad about it later*

I think you've hit the nail on the head better than I could describe. In my case, I tend to be clingy (for attention) but also hot and cold. Not sure if this is normal ENFJ behaviour, but seeing as I do get validation externally, if I don't recieve it, it's then that I kind of shut down and go quiet. And typically I'm pretty talkative.

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

I think you've hit the nail on the head better than I could describe. In my case, I tend to be clingy (for attention) but also hot and cold. Not sure if this is normal ENFJ behaviour, but seeing as I do get validation externally, if I don't recieve it, it's then that I kind of shut down and go quiet. And typically I'm pretty talkative.

That makes sense! Sounds very Fe. I can be the same way, sometimes.

 

[VILLANELLE]

That makes sense! Sounds very Fe. I can be the same way, sometimes.

This validates my being ENFJ, so thank you. I worry I'm not "ENFJ enough".

 

[Sagacious]

That is a very *very* wide net you're casting, dude.

Gonna have to provide some context if you want answers

The net was meant to be wide. Everybody is different, even if they have the same functions. So, I'm curious to see how each individual has experienced this or witnessed it.

This is super relatable. And I also wish the niceties could extend to beyond the holidays! Making the holidays special is important, but it would be ideal to strive for kindness year round!

I've never been in a romantic relationship if that's what you're looking for but ...

Case 1: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a neglective friend: "You just don't value our friendship, do you??? I'm done with you."

Case 2: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a hurt person: "You are now my new project. I will fix you." *takes on person's hurt as own and becomes codependent*

Case 3: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with a clingy person: alternates between caring for them and running away because of exhaustion.

Case 4: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with an emotionally abusive person: *bottles hurt inside until it becomes too much and then explodes and accidentally destroys said person* *feels /really/ bad about it later*

I don't think any infj does well when they are at odds or estranged from someone they care about. Unhealthy versions of behaviour include jumping to wild Ni conclusions, paranoia, seeing patterns that aren't there, becoming very indulgent or austere regarding SE related areas like sleeping, spending, sex, eating, etc. Most of all infjs that are unhealthy will become overly avoidant and stuck in one way of thinking.

Is that useful?

These last two descriptions you guys gave are pretty spot on with my own experiences. Especially, the paranoia and desire to be appreciated. That's why I asked these questions entirely because I've noticed a general pattern of relationships actually leading to INFJs becoming unhealthy. Not to say, that it is the only source. But, they seem to have a horrible impact on us.

Does anybody else think that there is some connection? And, have any of you had this struggle?
I'd also like to add self-harm to list of ways some INXJs turn to Se. Generally, extremes of Se - Too much or too little of something. No in-between.

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

This validates my being ENFJ, so thank you. I worry I'm not "ENFJ enough".

Glad to help! And I don't think you need to worry about not being like your type. Just be yourself and let the rest flow.

The net was meant to be wide. Everybody is different, even if they have the same functions. So, I'm curious to see how each individual has experienced this or witnessed it.





These last two descriptions you guys gave are pretty spot on with my own experiences. Especially, the paranoia and desire to be appreciated. That's why I asked these questions entirely because I've noticed a general pattern of relationships actually leading to INFJs becoming unhealthy. Not to say, that it is the only source. But, they seem to have a horrible impact on us.

Does anybody else think that there is some connection? And, have any of you had this struggle?
I'd also like to add self-harm to list of ways some INXJs turn to Se. Generally, extremes of Se - Too much or too little of something. No in-between.

Well, one way I become unhealthier is if I want someone to like me, so I start copying their mannerisms and playing them back to the individual to gauge what kind of person he/she wants me to be. I only do this if I'm in an unhealthy state, but it definitely messes me up even more. I once had this friend who was extremely negative and judgmental (I'm basically the opposite) but I wanted her to like me so I started making snide remarks about others in front of her to make her laugh and relate to me more. I hated doing this, but it was hard to help because I just so easily absorb peoples' personalities and take them on as my own if I spend lots of time around them unless I'm in a very healthy state and can put up a "barrier."

Another relationship norm that can put me in an unhealthy state is if it seems like a person really needs me, and I become so focused on helping them that I forget myself until I wake up one day to realize I'm exhausted and hate my life.

As for Se, definitely! A couple of my go-to coping mechanisms is either skipping food to sort of gain control of my external environment like "haha you can't own me entirely" or overindulging in exercise. Oh, also binge watching Studio C but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with Se ... xD

 

[VILLANELLE]

Glad to help! And I don't think you need to worry about not being like your type. Just be yourself and let the rest flow.




Well, one way I become unhealthier is if I want someone to like me, so I start copying their mannerisms and playing them back to the individual to gauge what kind of person he/she wants me to be. I only do this if I'm in an unhealthy state, but it definitely messes me up even more. I once had this friend who was extremely negative and judgmental (I'm basically the opposite) but I wanted her to like me so I started making snide remarks about others in front of her to make her laugh and relate to me more. I hated doing this, but it was hard to help because I just so easily absorb peoples' personalities and take them on as my own if I spend lots of time around them unless I'm in a very healthy state and can put up a "barrier."

Another relationship norm that can put me in an unhealthy state is if it seems like a person really needs me, and I become so focused on helping them that I forget myself until I wake up one day to realize I'm exhausted and hate my life.

As for Se, definitely! A couple of my go-to coping mechanisms is either skipping food to sort of gain control of my external environment like "haha you can't own me entirely" or overindulging in exercise. Oh, also binge watching Studio C but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with Se ... xD

Well, one way I become unhealthier is if I want someone to like me, so I start copying their mannerisms and playing them back to the individual to gauge what kind of person he/she wants me to be.

I've done this so much and then the person didn't like me after awhile. But in general I do this, usually with celebrities or something, I tend to take on their interests (tv show/movie/music) and try and be like them. It doesn't really help but my interests are constantly changing because of that. And I guess it does change me but I just don't really notice it, like it's more subtle. Though, with MBTI, technically I notice myself more aligned with some celebrities who are the same/similiar types as mine. I'm ENFJ but typed as ENFP for awhile and so I really resonate with celebrities who are of that typing. And I didn't notice that until recently and then it's like, yep yep yep, I'm kind of like this too.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Case 4: stressed and depressed INFJ dealing with an emotionally abusive person: *bottles hurt inside until it becomes too much and then explodes and accidentally destroys said person* *feels /really/ bad about it later*

I did this. First, I did a major "door slam" and abruptly ended the relationship to his face. Then, I regretted my reactivity after the fact (I shouldn't have because my reaction was actually quite healthy), and I wanted to work things out. He decided he didn't want to work things out, but kept taking care of me by talking to me, making me meals, etc. I was so confused (we still lived together). Anytime I tried to talk about it with him, I couldn't get anything out of him more than "I don't want to end up here again in 3 months" and "this isn't healthy." An odd thing to say considering he was the one who had broken up with me a couple times throughout our relationship. So, my confusion turned into a sense of rejection as I realized that he was dragging me along because he was too cowardly to communicate openly with me (cowardly is mean... he probably just wasn't able to talk about feelings and fears and such yet). That sense of rejection turned into a deep sorrow (I had never been broken up with before and also never loved anyone the way I did him). That sorrow turned into RAGE. I said the most awful things I have ever said to anyone, and the worst part is I did it on purpose. I completely shocked myself because it was so out of character for me, and I felt like a monster. I did some soul-searching and realized two things; that I was deeply hurt that he wasn't showing any sadness over losing me and our future, and that I was trying to get some sort of reaction out of him. More introspection led me to the conclusion that he just has a very hard time with emotions and he WAS just as hurt as me but didn't show it the same way that I did. I regret everything I said to him and apologized several times and tried to explain why I did it, but the truth is that I probably gave him a whole bunch of emotional baggage that he didn't deserve and I can never take back what I said. This, btw, is why I am such an advocate for men's emotional health. I have seen firsthand a man that I adored struggle with depression, anger, and an inability to express emotions in a healthy way, and it completely broke my heart.

Sorry if I have hijacked this thread with my personal story - I try to be really candid about my darker moments in the hopes that other people who have had similar experiences feel less alienated or perhaps see things from a new angle in a different light.

As for the question by the OP, I suppose it would depend on the individuals and the specific fears at hand. I actually think enneagrams might give you more insight than MBTI. Speaking of general tendencies, I sometimes experience a "push and pull" dynamic, and I often question the intensity/quality/authenticity of love. This can be a rather fleeting thought, or a pervasive Ni-Ti loop that I obsess over if I'm not in a good place. I can get inexplicably moody or irritable at times and just want my space, but I'm never mean (save for the example above). Sometimes I get a tad huffy and might just walk away or go through a short silent-treatment. I don't ever do it on purpose to "punish" my partner, and when I realize what I'm doing which is usually sooner than later, I apologize and communicate my thoughts and feelings. It's cliche for a reason: Communication is crucial to healthy relationships.