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[INFJ] How would an unhealthy INFJ behave in a relationship?

thepink-cloakedninja

Marshmallow Heart
Joined
Nov 21, 2016
Messages
760
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
269
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Well, one way I become unhealthier is if I want someone to like me, so I start copying their mannerisms and playing them back to the individual to gauge what kind of person he/she wants me to be.

I've done this so much and then the person didn't like me after awhile. But in general I do this, usually with celebrities or something, I tend to take on their interests (tv show/movie/music) and try and be like them. It doesn't really help but my interests are constantly changing because of that. And I guess it does change me but I just don't really notice it, like it's more subtle. Though, with MBTI, technically I notice myself more aligned with some celebrities who are the same/similiar types as mine. I'm ENFJ but typed as ENFP for awhile and so I really resonate with celebrities who are of that typing. And I didn't notice that until recently and then it's like, yep yep yep, I'm kind of like this too.

That makes sense. And I totally get that about the celebrities. I don't really do that particular one as I am so out of it with celebrities and popular culture. Out of curiosity, did you find your personality changed at all after you started identifying with ENFJ instead of ENFP? I've been mistyped a couple times, and found that I started acting and feeling a little differently whenever that happened, though that might be more due to me acting differently and thus getting mistyped, instead of accidentally behaving like my type descriptions ...
 

VILLANELLE

New member
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Aug 8, 2016
Messages
731
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ESFP
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261
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so/sp
That makes sense. And I totally get that about the celebrities. I don't really do that particular one as I am so out of it with celebrities and popular culture. Out of curiosity, did you find your personality changed at all after you started identifying with ENFJ instead of ENFP? I've been mistyped a couple times, and found that I started acting and feeling a little differently whenever that happened, though that might be more due to me acting differently and thus getting mistyped, instead of accidentally behaving like my type descriptions ...

I find I guess I did, when I typed as ENFJ. I feel like I've seen things more clearly, like, I've realized, "Okay wow, I do act/react like this" even though not every type is the same and not everyone who is that type is the same, you know? But it just helped things make more sense to me, I'm not sure if it makes sense at all... I'll kind of give some examples, I guess. And they're quotes, so maybe it's dumb because everyone can relate/resonate with things like this probably. But, here goes.

So, I first identified as ENFP and regardless, I'm ENFJ now but there's a quote on CelebrityTypes by Jennifer Aniston, who is an ENFP, on her entry of the site and it says she can't close her heart off. And over the years.. I've never realized that until now, but, that's me. I just, I can't close my heart or turn my back on someone. It's rare that I ever really do, and I only have I think because, like, time has passed and things have changed and such. But I have a lot of love to give and everything and I just can't stop being nice to people?

And then here's the ENFJ thing. So, Jennifer Lawrence types as ENFJ, and I discovered I am one as well. On CelebrityTypes she is listed there too. And there's a quote about her by Emma Stone, that was actually in Jennifer's recent cover of Vanity Fair (Holiday Edition, 2016, I have it), and Emma said that Jennifer can see right through a situation, through the bullshit, she can just see through things with a kind of clarity. I feel like that a lot too. I relate this to a quote from Jennifer on her entry of CelebrityTypes, that she can tell when people are lying to her and whatnot. And that resonates to me too, because I can just tell when I'm being lied to and such. I'm not special because I imagine many people can tell this too, but, these two things just kind of click in my head, and things kind of make sense.
 

Sagacious

New member
Joined
Jul 26, 2016
Messages
10
It's interesting to read your replies but not many of these have actually answered my questions.
 

Nico_D

The Lost One
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
136
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Just reading your thread and I can't get a hold of what you mean. A lot depends on what kind of "unhealthy" do you mean. Maybe give some spesific examples?
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I'm assuming you mean that the INFJ in question is emotionally unhealthy and not acting in the way they normally would, not that the relationship itself is unhealthy. Is that correct?
 

Cloudpatrol

Senior(ita) Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2016
Messages
2,163
It's interesting to read your replies but not many of these have actually answered my questions.

It might be more accurate to say that the replies have not answered specifically what is on your mind. They have indeed delved into the questions you posed.


The wider net you cast, the more variety of fish you will catch.


If you narrow the scope of your questions and provide more insight into what you seek, you may find more of what you are pointedly looking for.
 

Norrsken

self murderer
Joined
Nov 27, 2015
Messages
3,633
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Ni's unrealistic expectations and/or projections of what something someone said or did even if it isn't really true is one way of describing it. The Fe manifests, in unhealthy circumstances, are acting as martyrs for their loved ones, staying in bad and abusive relationships for a lot longer than needed. They may engage with their Ti to see if there are any inconsistencies with a partner's actions, and mixed with an unstable Ni, this could end in emotional explosions which they will scream things that they will later regret. Inferior Se will then push them to do very self destructive activities such as cutting themselves, having unsafe sex with the partner, breaking up/door slamming for no reason, etc. I think a good thing to read is the INFJ's shadow functions and how they react under them. (Ne, Fi, Te, Si)
 

Forever

Permabanned
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8,551
MBTI Type
NiFi
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3w4
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sx/so
Ni's unrealistic expectations and/or projections of what something someone said or did even if it isn't really true is one way of describing it. The Fe manifests, in unhealthy circumstances, are acting as martyrs for their loved ones, staying in bad and abusive relationships for a lot longer than needed. They may engage with their Ti to see if there are any inconsistencies with a partner's actions, and mixed with an unstable Ni, this could end in emotional explosions which they will scream things that they will later regret. Inferior Se will then push them to do very self destructive activities such as cutting themselves, having unsafe sex with the partner, breaking up/door slamming for no reason, etc. I think a good thing to read is the INFJ's shadow functions and how they react under them. (Ne, Fi, Te, Si)

I would think Fi would be the martyr in relationships. Not necessarily Fe. But the rest seems fine. Except the blowing up and screaming could be inferior Te or an e9 problem as well.
 

Sagacious

New member
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10
I gave up on trying to explain since nobody was understanding. The questions themselves were simplistic. So, I don't see where the misunderstanding was.

How would an unhealthy INFJ behave in a relationship?
And, how would they personally be affected by the weight of the relationship in an unhealthy state?
If anybody else would like to give it a go, please do. Thank you all to all who gave input.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
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INFJ
Yes, but you never specified whether the INFJ was unhealthy from the get go, or if the dynamics of the relationship (or some other factor after the relationship started) had made the INFJ start acting differently. You also never told us what the relationship dynamics were like in the first place.

I think the problem is that your question is not situation specific, and you are only giving negative feedback about the posts you don't like. It's like you're looking for a certain answer and people are trying to guess what it might be, or else you won't listen. Usually if nobody is understanding, it's not that there are just a ton of stupid people out there. To get quality answers, you may have to change your approach enough that they can be of more help to you.
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
8,883
I gave up on trying to explain since nobody was understanding. The questions themselves were simplistic. So, I don't see where the misunderstanding was.

How would an unhealthy INFJ behave in a relationship?
And, how would they personally be affected by the weight of the relationship in an unhealthy state?
If anybody else would like to give it a go, please do. Thank you all to all who gave input.

You ask a bunch of intuitive feelers a couple of vague questions, and then get disappointed when they answer with abstract examples of how they interpret your questions?

Honestly, I'm not even sure what it is you're looking for. An individual's MB type doesn't dictate their behavior - it provides a framework for patterns of thought, feelings, and information processing. The questions you're asking are very personal to an individual, yet completely non-specific in terms of what you're looking for. I actually like the answers you received and think they paint fairly clear pictures of behavior.
 

complexa46

New member
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Nov 27, 2016
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6
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
sx
Generally, When I had low self esteem and anxiety I would overly Fe to the point where I'd forget about myself and my own needs. Also, I'd ignore my intuition if it went against making others as happy as possible because I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone. Tbh just scared of people not being happy/not liking me so I'd adapt as much as possible to them until I lost my sense of self. This led to an emotional breakdown, me hating everyone and withdrawing from people for a few weeks without any explanation
 

Smeow

New member
Joined
Feb 4, 2018
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
51x
I'll give my example of an unhealthy marriage with an INFJ as an example. Maybe my reflections on our interactions will answer your question. Biases: We're divorced with a child. While I've gotten to a point where I can appreciate our differences and not get angry with her, I still have some resentment from the whole thing. I also have a lot of self-doubt in relationships, lots of emotional baggage, and so does ex-wife. Both of us were abused as children. Unhealthy INFJ ex-wife traits: Make an extraverted-feeling judgement towards me, and when I question the grounds of reason for her judgement, she would become impervious to facts or evidence. Many times I would get to the logical root of her statement and refute the basis of her judgement. To which, she became extremely stubborn and was right because she felt she was right. Feeling seemed to trump reality. She judged me to be an abuser on the grounds of my constant criticism and sometimes belittling language. (To be fair I did criticize her ALOT on the grounds of reason usually. She would say a behavior I did was wrong, and I decided to call her out on the behaviors of hers I felt were in the same category. I don't like hypocrites.) There were a couple times I did not want to talk to her and chose not to. She took this for silent treatment, but I honestly was incredibly angry and felt a sense of powerless when I tried to communicate my concerns with her. Many times during arguments she would say something emotionally charged that usually angered me, then left the conversation before i could reply. Emotional sniping if you will. Also on a daily basis, she didn't talk to me about anything other than necessities. There was no physical intimacy at all. No emotional intimacy. She told me the reason for this was that she didn't feel safe. Fair enough. I went to counseling, read numerous psychology articles on relationships, and felt I was bending over backwards to build trust. I did not feel her giving any effort to do anything other than be resentful. Most of the concerns I told her (critical in nature) she disregarded as wrong even if they were the same concerns she gave to me. In short, she held me up to much, MUCH higher standard than she did her own behavior. When I told her by the same standards she judged me as emotionally abusive she was also an abuser, she didn't want to hear ANY of it. I even tried a less direct approach since I could tell she was extremely defensive and linked this. When Is It Emotional Abuse? | Psychology Today She told me she didn't feel like she was giving me the silent treatment, refusing to accept her part in the dynamic, or withholding affection. She saw the world in black and white. Victim and Oppressor. Any attempt to demonstrate unhealthy behaviors on her end in the relationship/my feelings were immediately disregarded or called into question while I'm supposed to accept her feelings and judgements without question because feeling are always valid. They are either always valid or they are not. Psychology says they are so that's what I go with. Logically that means my concerns should equally matter but it never felt that way. The relationship was the way she saw it and only the way she saw it. She would also let things bottle up. For the last years of marriage, I never felt she was actually communicating her feelings to me, and whenever I would try to make her day a little better by doing extra chores or something of that nature, she decided to focus on how I wasn't doing something else around the house or how what I did wasn't to her standards. It felt impossible to please her. It felt we never really moved on from the past despite numerous therapy sessions including joint ones, a psychotherapist saying I wasn't abusive, and a lot of personal effort. Like in her world, the ideal she constructed her husband to be was tainted and no longer pure. In her view maybe I was corrupted and couldn't be cleansed. I remember feeling extremely depressed, powerless, and frustrated. Most of the time I was so emotionally overwhelmed (without realizing or being able to articulate that- see INTP), that I had a profound sense of brain fog especially during our conflicts. Things got better a couple of months before I left for a deployment. She even said things felt better. While on deployment, she said she realized certain behaviors of mine had only slowed down to the point they were barely noticeable. In my mind, if they slowed down to the point theyre barely noticeable that indicated improvement. So I said lets give counseling ONE more try. She initially agreed, but that didn't last. I received an email titled "FYI" and she told me got a divorce and moved out of the house a week before I was going to return to the states. So ends the tale of a toxic relationship. I hope that personal example gave enough context to actually answer your question.
 
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