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  1. #1
    Junior Member ThePoetess's Avatar
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    Default INFJ: Does my ENFP like me?

    Hi,

    I am an INFJ looking for some help/advice from a few ENFPs and maybe from some others who have been in relationships with ENFPs.

    My best friend of 6 months is an ENFP (sounds quick for an INFJ I know, but he has been very determined with helping me to feel safe and supported and to open up) and over time I've developed feelings for him, but I cannot figure out how he feels and how he sees me.

    He doesn't show the classic ENFP characteristics of having feelings like being uncharacteristically shy or relentlessly teasing and I don't think I'm much of a mystery to him anymore. I am rather awkward and socially anxious so we don't have as many interesting intellectual conversations as we could because I don't know how to say things which may make me seem dull. He also will seem to open up to me, but afterwards I realize he didn't actually reveal much. I don't know if its an ENFP thing, if he just has a hard time opening up, or if it's his way of getting me to open up so that he can help me without having to reveal anything about himself to me.

    On the other hand we have a lot of deep conversations together and an equal amount of goofy weird conversations. We support and help each other. Our dreams and goals for the future are very similar. All the time we tell each other how great and wonderful and good a friend the other is (him initiating). We loosely plan future events together (we'll go to such and such country, or one day we'll make this vacation idea come true). And he told me early on in the opening up stage of our friendship when we were talking about personality types: "I'm pretty much a typical ENFP if you ever want to learn more about me you could do some reading, its pretty accurate." so maybe he does want me to understand him at a deeper level and he's just not good with opening up vocally... I don't know.

    He's the most kind, lovely, intersting, goofy, adorable, unbuilding, and deep person I have ever met and it would be really helpful to know if there ever could be a future.

    With your knowledge of ENFP behavior and relationships do you think he could like me? Are there things I could/should be doing differently?

    Thank you all for your time!
    If you need more information or me to re-explain anything please comment so
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  2. #2
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Hi @ThePoetess :hi:

    I think this is my first time seeing you around so “Welcome”!


    Typology IS an excellent tool for getting to know ourselves and others. Regrettably it doesn’t work like a magic 8-ball. I am not saying you think that, what I mean is: there is no substitute for open and direct communication.

    People on the internet can tell you their ‘vibes’ from the information you give them (which is one view of a picture). Even IRL friends can tell you the perceptions they have. But, the only way to KNOW in reality, is to talk to the other party.


    That being said:

    And he told me early on in the opening up stage of our friendship when we were talking about personality types: "I'm pretty much a typical ENFP if you ever want to learn more about me you could do some reading, its pretty accurate." so maybe he does want me to understand him at a deeper level and he's just not good with opening up vocally... I don't know.
    He told you he is a pretty ‘typical ENFP’. The MBTI categorizations are generalizations. Humans are predictable to a certain extent but are not always ‘typical’. As borne out by what you say here:

    He doesn't show the classic ENFP characteristics…

    Do you ask him questions about himself and his views, interests, dreams? Asking questions is the best way to find out about someone whom you desire to open up more.


    I find many INFJ’s fascinating and good companions. You may be better at saying things than this statement reflects:

    I am rather awkward and socially anxious…so we don't have as many interesting intellectual conversations as we could because I don't know how to say things which may make me seem dull
    It sounds like you have a good level of trust. Can you trust in him as a safe space to open yourself up more?


    You said:

    We loosely plan future events together (we'll go to such and such country, or one day we'll make this vacation idea come true).

    NFP’s have bucket loads of ideas, plans and goals. It would literally be impossible to accomplish all that occurs to the mind of an NFP. {This doesn’t mean they can’t be organized or very accomplished!} It DOES mean that - not every future event that is loosely planned - will come to fruition. He may have every intention of following through on those things. Or they may be pipe dreams that are exciting to consider.

    I don’t think it means nothing, but I also wouldn’t read heavily into it.


    It does seem that you have a quality friendship, and that is the very best foundation for a relationship.

    If your feelings are growing deeper, could you talk about it with him? Even if the feelings are not returned, do you think it would ruin the friendship on his part?


    I often have had people misunderstand the level of friendship or connection on my part. BUT, I have also greatly valued those who have broached the topic directly. It CAN even turn into something more based on those kind of conversations…



    I wish you success in your communications with him!
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  3. #3
    Junior Member ThePoetess's Avatar
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    Thank you @Cloudpatrol for reading and replying to the ramble of an over-thinker who miscommunicates most everything she says

    I am new to the forum, but I've been interested in personality types and been discussing them with my friends for years. I understand completely that you cannot get everything from them, they do not take into consideration life experience, and it is mostly a way of better understanding ones thought processes. But I also know that because of that people who share a personality type often have some similar behaviors and experiences which is why I thought I'd ask.

    When I say he doesn't show characteristics often thought of as being typical to an ENFP I mean than in the way of having feelings for a person, his other behaviors are often what are thought of as being typical, which he says himself.

    I ask him all of the time about his dreams, interests and views. Most of the time he does open up and talk about them, but when it comes to deeper ones and struggles and difficulties he often skirts the questions, which it what I meant.

    What I meant to convey with the part about plans for the future, because I know that those probably won't happen, is that it seems like he sees me as a part of his future, he includes me in his dreams of future adventures.

    Finally, I agree completely that talking would be the best thing. I just overthink things and worry that if he doesn't feel the same he might feel awkward about it and we wouldn't have the same strength of friendship. Or he possibly might think that all of what has been on my part of the friendship may have been because I had feelings for him and not because I cared about him as a friend. It might undo all of the work I've done to draw him out to opening up. He says the only thing that gets him through and feel not dead inside is talks like ours and knowing he has friends who care about him. Thus, I am scared to tell him at this point in time.
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  4. #4
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePoetess View Post
    Thank you @Cloudpatrol for reading and replying to the ramble of an over-thinker who miscommunicates most everything she says

    I am new to the forum, but I've been interested in personality types and been discussing them with my friends for years. I understand completely that you cannot get everything from them, they do not take into consideration life experience, and it is mostly a way of better understanding ones thought processes. But I also know that because of that people who share a personality type often have some similar behaviors and experiences which is why I thought I'd ask.

    When I say he doesn't show characteristics often thought of as being typical to an ENFP I mean than in the way of having feelings for a person, his other behaviors are often what are thought of as being typical, which he says himself.

    I ask him all of the time about his dreams, interests and views. Most of the time he does open up and talk about them, but when it comes to deeper ones and struggles and difficulties he often skirts the questions, which it what I meant.

    What I meant to convey with the part about plans for the future, because I know that those probably won't happen, is that it seems like he sees me as a part of his future, he includes me in his dreams of future adventures.

    Finally, I agree completely that talking would be the best thing. I just overthink things and worry that if he doesn't feel the same he might feel awkward about it and we wouldn't have the same strength of friendship. Or he possibly might think that all of what has been on my part of the friendship may have been because I had feelings for him and not because I cared about him as a friend. It might undo all of the work I've done to draw him out to opening up. He says the only thing that gets him through and feel not dead inside is talks like ours and knowing he has friends who care about him. Thus, I am scared to tell him at this point in time.
    I hear you.

    I think you will know best when to do what you need/want.

    Words are really powerful, especially those we tell ourselves. We all have 'mental recordings' we play over to ourselves, that speak to the weaknesses or faults we imagine we possess. I have noticed you express the bold ^ different times on the site.

    I wonder what it would cost you to change the way you speak about yourself?

    I used to get told "you think too much" by people and looked at it as something that made me 'weird' and 'different'. But, a really cool friend of mine told me not to take to heart the sentiments of people who did not think deeply. He said 'thinking to the extent you do is a gift, and until YOU see that, you won't use it to it's full impact'.

    Perhaps your level of thinking is also something to be treasured. That makes you uniquely able to view things in a way that will be helpful or interesting to others. The INFJ mind can be a literal marvel.

    I don't find your communication overly hard to understand I had gotten the sense of the things you clarified from your OP. Is it possible you are better at communicating things than you feel you are (smile)?

    I am addressing this because I personally have found that changing the things I tell 'myself' literally changes the way I view myself. We are self-fulfilling prophecies to a certain extent...
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  5. #5
    Curious... The Cat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePoetess View Post
    Hi,

    I am an INFJ looking for some help/advice from a few ENFPs and maybe from some others who have been in relationships with ENFPs.

    My best friend of 6 months is an ENFP (sounds quick for an INFJ I know, but he has been very determined with helping me to feel safe and supported and to open up) and over time I've developed feelings for him, but I cannot figure out how he feels and how he sees me.

    He doesn't show the classic ENFP characteristics of having feelings like being uncharacteristically shy or relentlessly teasing and I don't think I'm much of a mystery to him anymore. I am rather awkward and socially anxious so we don't have as many interesting intellectual conversations as we could because I don't know how to say things which may make me seem dull. He also will seem to open up to me, but afterwards I realize he didn't actually reveal much. I don't know if its an ENFP thing, if he just has a hard time opening up, or if it's his way of getting me to open up so that he can help me without having to reveal anything about himself to me.

    On the other hand we have a lot of deep conversations together and an equal amount of goofy weird conversations. We support and help each other. Our dreams and goals for the future are very similar. All the time we tell each other how great and wonderful and good a friend the other is (him initiating). We loosely plan future events together (we'll go to such and such country, or one day we'll make this vacation idea come true). And he told me early on in the opening up stage of our friendship when we were talking about personality types: "I'm pretty much a typical ENFP if you ever want to learn more about me you could do some reading, its pretty accurate." so maybe he does want me to understand him at a deeper level and he's just not good with opening up vocally... I don't know.

    He's the most kind, lovely, intersting, goofy, adorable, unbuilding, and deep person I have ever met and it would be really helpful to know if there ever could be a future.

    With your knowledge of ENFP behavior and relationships do you think he could like me? Are there things I could/should be doing differently?

    Thank you all for your time!
    If you need more information or me to re-explain anything please comment so
    Hi the poetess! Firstly It's nice to me you I'm Jack!
    Secondly your story sounds so romantic. a sparkling friendship and the possibility of love...*wistful glee* I'm an ENFP and my S/O is an ISFJ and our relationship began very similarly to yours. we started out as friends, I noticed her because she was just so shy, and withdrawn, and adorable about it. Still waters run deep I guess, though I had to peruse her quite obviously because it took like...days for her to realize how smoldery I felt for her. I'll admit we don't always feel very compatible, she's into being serious, and focused on more concrete things, but I find her still shyness after eight years to still be such a pleasant present to unwrap even if I have to do it in tiny pieces. Your ENFP is so lucky that you are interested in pursuing him. My s/o and I had a conversation where we came to the conclusion that I love her more than she loves me, but sometimes love happens like that. She says I'm in love with being in love, I would love to talk with you more about it. Sometimes I have been so spacey, that I've missed out on what would have been truly treasured romances, because I was surfing rainbows in my head as a sky pirate than paying attention to what was right in front of me, and I always regretted not finding out until later, so you know. Fortune favours the bold. And Cloud Patrol is quite right. friendship is the best foundation for future bliss, because I've been told that passion and beauty fade, though I don't know how I feel about that tbh. also I'm a terrible planner, so much to do so little time, and there's the whole not wanting to mess up anyone's vibes...I think I'm rambling now so, I'll stop. But it's been nice to meet you I hope we can be friends! Welcome!
    Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.


    Oh, we're always all right. You remember that. We happen to other people.

    And I see fire, hollowing souls
    And I see fire, blood in the breeze
    And I hope that you'll remember me...

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  6. #6
    Junior Member ThePoetess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    I hear you.

    I think you will know best when to do what you need/want.

    Words are really powerful, especially those we tell ourselves. We all have 'mental recordings' we play over to ourselves, that speak to the weaknesses or faults we imagine we possess. I have noticed you express the bold ^ different times on the site.

    I wonder what it would cost you to change the way you speak about yourself?

    I used to get told "you think too much" by people and looked at it as something that made me 'weird' and 'different'. But, a really cool friend of mine told me not to take to heart the sentiments of people who did not think deeply. He said 'thinking to the extent you do is a gift, and until YOU see that, you won't use it to it's full impact'.

    Perhaps your level of thinking is also something to be treasured. That makes you uniquely able to view things in a way that will be helpful or interesting to others. The INFJ mind can be a literal marvel.

    I don't find your communication overly hard to understand I had gotten the sense of the things you clarified from your OP. Is it possible you are better at communicating things than you feel you are (smile)?

    I am addressing this because I personally have found that changing the things I tell 'myself' literally changes the way I view myself. We are self-fulfilling prophecies to a certain extent...
    Thank you so much for all that you've said. It means a lot. I have read that the connections our brain makes make it so that the more we think a thought the easier it becomes to think it and harder to think in a way that defies it. And I have noticed that this way of thinking is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is something I need to and will try to work on
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  7. #7
    Junior Member ThePoetess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gentleman Jack View Post
    Hi the poetess! Firstly It's nice to me you I'm Jack!
    Secondly your story sounds so romantic. a sparkling friendship and the possibility of love...*wistful glee* I'm an ENFP and my S/O is an ISFJ and our relationship began very similarly to yours. we started out as friends, I noticed her because she was just so shy, and withdrawn, and adorable about it. Still waters run deep I guess, though I had to peruse her quite obviously because it took like...days for her to realize how smoldery I felt for her. I'll admit we don't always feel very compatible, she's into being serious, and focused on more concrete things, but I find her still shyness after eight years to still be such a pleasant present to unwrap even if I have to do it in tiny pieces. Your ENFP is so lucky that you are interested in pursuing him. My s/o and I had a conversation where we came to the conclusion that I love her more than she loves me, but sometimes love happens like that. She says I'm in love with being in love, I would love to talk with you more about it. Sometimes I have been so spacey, that I've missed out on what would have been truly treasured romances, because I was surfing rainbows in my head as a sky pirate than paying attention to what was right in front of me, and I always regretted not finding out until later, so you know. Fortune favours the bold. And Cloud Patrol is quite right. friendship is the best foundation for future bliss, because I've been told that passion and beauty fade, though I don't know how I feel about that tbh. also I'm a terrible planner, so much to do so little time, and there's the whole not wanting to mess up anyone's vibes...I think I'm rambling now so, I'll stop. But it's been nice to meet you I hope we can be friends! Welcome!

    Thank you so much for your reply @Gentleman Jack! I'm still processing it (takes me a while), but the first thing I want to say right now is: Don't you believe her when she says she loves you less. From my experience and observations with relationships between I's and EF's is that they see how extraverted the EF is about their feelings, their energy, their passion and they think that that the EF must love them a whole lot for being able to be like that, that maybe there is something wrong with themselves because they love differently, feel differently, and express differently. My guess would be that she loves you just as much, but she doubts herself and doesn't know why she cannot be as passionate about it as ENFP's so commonly are.

    And never worry about rambling when your rambling expresses your heart and soul.

    It's nice to meet you too.
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  8. #8
    Curious... The Cat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePoetess View Post
    Thank you so much for your reply @Gentleman Jack! I'm still processing it (takes me a while), but the first thing I want to say right now is: Don't you believe her when she says she loves you less. From my experience and observations with relationships between I's and EF's is that they see how extraverted the EF is about their feelings, their energy, their passion and they think that that the EF must love them a whole lot for being able to be like that, that maybe there is something wrong with themselves because they love differently, feel differently, and express differently. My guess would be that she loves you just as much, but she doubts herself and doesn't know why she cannot be as passionate about it as ENFP's so commonly are.

    And never worry about rambling when your rambling expresses your heart and soul.

    It's nice to meet you too.
    You're so kind to say that @The poetess. I hope you're right. I worry quite often how much I seem to stress her out. maybe its an n vs s thing I'm not certain. it can feel difficult when you arent sure whether the person you love doesnt seem to want to talk...I'll consider your words, but I may need to ask questions Gentleman Jack = Spacey
    Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.


    Oh, we're always all right. You remember that. We happen to other people.

    And I see fire, hollowing souls
    And I see fire, blood in the breeze
    And I hope that you'll remember me...

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  9. #9
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePoetess View Post
    Thank you so much for all that you've said. It means a lot. I have read that the connections our brain makes make it so that the more we think a thought the easier it becomes to think it and harder to think in a way that defies it. And I have noticed that this way of thinking is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Yes! Exactly. I would have loved to have gone into the field of neuroplasticity. Learning about the synapses - and how the pathways they travel can be mindfully altered - feels almost like magic.


    Quote Originally Posted by ThePoetess View Post
    It is something I need to and will try to work on

    I hear ya! I still work on this (and likely always will to some extent). Sometimes I am on the way to a meeting and find myself thinking things like “they probably won’t understand how I think” or “I don’t feel pretty today, and am not going to come across well”.

    I have to literally catch myself doing it, take a deep breath and change what I am telling myself. That “it’s an opportunity to learn to communicate creatively with people I don’t know”. That “I might not feel at my best but I am judging myself by my ‘top occasions’ and these people don’t have those times to compare me to." Things like that...


    It’s not BS’ing ourselves because reality IS perception.

    I promise you that it’s something almost all introspective people have to learn to do. Warm hug.

  10. #10
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    Yes.

    - - - Updated - - -

    And you're not an INFJ by the way.

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